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| MYTHS Tomorrow is Halloween. Every year people start resurrecting cat myths to put the scare into little kids and older adults alike. We cats have tolerated this proliferation of 'myth-information' for many years and we don't like it. I risk 'letting the cat out of the bag,' but I must dispel some illusions. MYTH: Cats eyes shine at night because they are casting out the light they gather during the day. FACT: Baloney. How can we gather daylight when our eyes are closed sleeping all day? MYTH: When a cat's whiskers droop, rain is coming. FACT: When a cat's whiskers droop, rain is here. The whiskers are wet. MYTH: If you want to keep a cat from straying, put butter on its paws. FACT: I won't stray because you won't be here to open the door. You will be in the hospital as a result of your attempt to butter my paws. MYTH: If a cat sneezes near a bride on her wedding day she will have a happy marriage. FACT: 4-in-5 marriages end in divorce. Not a lot of sneezing going on, huh? Maybe they ought to rewrite that one and make it 'coughs hairballs,' there's plenty of that going on. MYTH: Stepping over a cat brings bad luck. FACT: Actually, worse luck. It exposes your most vulnerable areas just in case you miss and step on us. MYTH: Cats suck the breath from babies. FACT: We don't 'suck the breath.' Cats enjoy baby breath as much as humans. If you had a choice between a baby's breath and the Big Owner's breath, which would you choose? MYTH: A cat sleeping with all four paws tucked under means cold weather ahead. FACT: Don't be stupid. It means cold weather is already here! MYTH: Cats always land on their feet. FACT: So explain the bumps on my head. MYTH: When moving to a new home, always put the cat through the window instead of the door, so that it will not leave. FACT: Don't be dim. We'll just use the window for ingress and egress. (See Royal Pane in CD4) MYTH: To see a white cat on the road is lucky... FACT: ...because you didn't hit it with your car. MYTH: A cat has nine lives. FACT: Well, okay, that one is true. I happen to have a can of it sitting right in front of me. Now, if I could only get someone to open it for me. It was a good day. (FROM CAT DIARY 1-2-3) ******************************************************* AN ALMOST PURR-FECT PET Not only am I adjusting to the fact that my 50th birthday has just waved in passing, but I am rapidly learning what it is like to have a cat around the house. Having spent my entire life in the company of dogs, this is a period of adjustment that has come easier than I expected. If one just takes the time to delve into the feline mind, it's basically a very simple transition. For example, cats are very vain creatures -- you don't own them, they own you. They set the rules and you follow them. Cats come and go as they please. There is none of this prancing at the door and running around in circles to catch your attention. They have their own bathroom, complete with full vanity and separate make-up mirror. Naturally, they don't use toilet paper but have you noticed how they've cornered the market on the packaging? When's the last time you saw a picture of a dog placed adoringly next to an angelic, wide-eyed 6 year old girl on the toilet paper wrapping? Even pet food commercials are prejudiced if you ask me. Note, the poor canine eating food out of a plastic Cool Whip container on the kitchen floor while the feline gets served from a crystal goblet atop an elegant dining table adorned with centerpiece, bone china and solid gold napkin rings. One could easily be convinced that perhaps a cat has more brains than a dog, and maybe they do. A dog will stand by the door like a statue when you leave in the morning and still be in the same position when you return home at night. A cat, on the other hand, will take your absence as a slap to the face and get its revenge by stalking you upon your arrival and wait until you fall asleep to suck the breath out of your body as punishment. If you leave the house for 30 seconds and come back because you've forgotten your car keys, a dog will react as though you've been gone for 5 years -- the full-blown tail wagging and tongue hanging scenario. A cat will shoot you a look that says, "Hey, dork! Have you ever taken the time to fully absorb just how big of an idiot you really are?" And when cats aren't giving themselves a bath, they're strutting around the house as if THEY make the payments! Dogs don't care whether they bathe or not -- they are much too busy worrying about how much you love them. So much in fact, that a matted hairball the size of a lemon hanging from one ear fails to phase them. Dogs aren't choosy about TV programs, either. They are most content watching reruns of My Mother The Car or The Real McCoys, while cats will only perk an ear to the ballet or 60 Minutes. Dogs don't care if they have bad breath, but a cat wouldn't be caught dead without a roll of Certs. Cats only shop at Nieman-Marcus while a dog will settle for K-Mart. Jewel studded collars are a must for cats. Dogs make do with a simple choke-chain held together by a bread twister. And you'll never convince me that it's the cat who catches the mouse. Ten bucks says it's the dog who catches it, skins it and then de-bones it before the feline will even go near it. So, there you have it -- my views on the difference between cats and dogs, now that I've lived among both. Cats may have more class, but the dog gets a few extra points for at least making an effort. Any way you look at it, the dog gets the short end of the stick. But, then again, the dog is the one foolish enough to go and fetch it! ************************************************ The best advice I have ever given puppy owners is to get a newspaper and roll it up very tight... Secure it with a rubber band and leave it on the coffee table... Then, when the puppy piddles in the house, chews up a slipper or does anything he's not supposed to do, simply take the newspaper and bang it on the top of YOUR head very hard while repeating... "I should have been watching my puppy!" "I should have been watching my puppy!" "I should have been watching my puppy!" *********************************************** QUOTATIONS If animals could speak the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow, but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much. A home without a cat, and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove its title? One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. "If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." - Will Rogers "Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate." - Sigmund Freud "The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." - Anonymous "Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." - Dave Barry "Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." - Franklin P. Jones "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." - Unknown "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley "No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." - Fran Lebowitz "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." - Rita Rudner "My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." - Ben Williams "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." - Josh Billings "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andrew A. Rooney "Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx "Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul --chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." - James Thurber "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein Douglas Adams: One of the problems of taking things apart and seeing how they work - supposing you're trying to find out how a cat works--you take that cat apart to see how it works, what you've got in your hands is a non-working cat. The cat wasn't a sort of clunky mechanism that was susceptible to our available tools of analysis. Don Addis: Never play cat and mouse games if you're a mouse. Bill Adler: A cat is there when you call her - if she doesn't have anything better to do. Lloyd Alexander: Two cats can live as cheaply as one, and their owner has twice as much fun. Roseanne Ambrose-Brown Places to look: behind the books in the bookshelf, any cupboard with a gap too small for any cat to squeeze through, the top of anything sheer, under anything too low for a cat to squash under and inside the piano. Cleveland Amory: Cats talk with their tails. As anyone who has ever been around a cat for any length of time well knows, cats have enormous patience with the limitations of the human kind. ...one of the ways in which cats show happiness is by sleeping. Roseanne Anderson: In the middle of a world that has always been a bit mad, the cat walks with confidence. Paul Annixter: Passion for place - there is no greater urge in feline nature. Michelle Argabrite: I think my favorite thing in the house has to be the cat...mainly because she's just like a big piece of noisy Velcro when you toss her at the sofa. Alan Ayckbourn: Cats names are more for human benefit. They give one a certain degree more confidence that the animal belongs to you. Peggy Bacon: I cannot exist without a cat...Life would not be worth living without a cat. **************************************************** HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. How To Give A Dog A Pill 1. Wrap it in bacon. 2. Toss it in the air. ***************************************************** |
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