Veni, Vidi, Bitchy.
Listen and respect other people's opinions - they are probably not right - but what the hell, let 'em talk.
Keep talking, I've found new places to bury the bodies.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
It's brilliant, being depressed. You can behave as badly as you like.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
I don't care if people hate my guts; I assume most of them do. The important question is whether they are in a position to do anything about it.
80% of all questions that begin with the word `why' can be answered with the simple sentence `people are stupid.'
A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
His philosophy was a mixture of three famous schools -- the Cynics, the Stoics and the Epicureans -- and summed up all three of them in his famous phrase, You can't trust any bugger further than you can throw him, and there's nothing you can do about it, so let's have a drink.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.
If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a damn fool about it.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, probably because of something you did.
Screw the planet, save yourself.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Definition of Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's desire to beat or choke the living daylights out of someone who desperately needs it.
An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger. (I've actaually tested this, and it's true).
I will endure all this subhuman drivelling crap with a smile.
You don't have to agree with me, but it's quicker.
You spend your whole life believing that you're on the right track, only to discover that you're on the wrong train.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
Kill them all! ... Let God sort them out.
Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.
Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
A man always has two reasons for doing anything - a good reason and the real reason.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue; consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.
My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.
If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.
They say, �Money can�t buy happiness.� But nothing else can buy happiness, either. So forget about happiness. Get some money.
Even if I get past all my problems I'm just going to go out and get new ones.
We're women. We have double standards to live up to.
Personal questions don't bother me. I just lie.
Intuition - enhanced right-left brain co-operative information processing.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean everyone's not out to get you.
Keep digging that hole. We'll be nose to nose in just a second.
I want total sensory deprivation and back-up hard drugs.
I'm not twisting your words. I'm using them for good.
If you like it, do it. If you don't like it, do it. You might like it.
Stop the world, I want to get off.
Heaven won't have me, and hell's afraid I'll take over.
He was not going to be found wanting when duty called. He did not intend to be found at all.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said. But I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.
I told the man to go forth and multiply, though not exactly in those words.
It isn't always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you happen to be an exceptionally good liar.
The object of war is not to die for your country, it's to make the other guy die for his.
Some people, you have to hit with a brick. Some you have to hit with a big brick.
Sometimes in life, horrible and unexplainable things happen. They are a test of character. And I have character.
I'll tell you what I want. I want to find a man who isn't the spawn of Satan.
Why serve in heaven when you can rule in hell?
Do it to them before they can do it to you.
I used to think I was weird, now I know I'm interesting.
If a man talks in a forest with no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
You step on my toes, I step on your head.
I will defend my right to my opinion to your death.
If a guy asks what my sign is, I tell him it's 'danger of death'.
A man said to the universe, 'I exist'. And the universe replied 'and yet the fact has not created in me the least sense of obligation'.
I used to be an optimist, but my prescription ran out.
You should hate people. It makes life more fun.
You could appeal to my better nature, if I had one.
Men - can't live with them, can't kill them except under a ridiculously narrow set of circumstances.
You think that's a perfect relationship? That's a murder-suicide waiting to happen.
No problem is so big or complicated it can't be run away from.
There is nothing I can't kick, kiss or cry my way out of.
I didn't think it was fair to talk to anyone, because I've lost my former personality and become a manic depressive.
I have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them.
I had a blonde moment.