on the Austin Music Network
Toadies
Tyler
Some dudes playing guitars in a house. Uh oh, here comes a Ninja guy dancing around. Cool glasses. A bunch of steam gets sucked out the window. This must somehow symbolize man's inhumanity to man. Warning--Ninja guy has a chainsaw! These guys look bored. Ninja guy broke down the door and ran through the steam. I don't blame him. These guys need to be slapped around. Spin, Ninja guy, spin down the road. Is this the road of life? Ninja guy is hugging a dress. Now he's wearing it and a cute blonde wig. Somebody give Ninja guy his ritalin.
Plum
Forty Eight Cards
More dudes playing instruments in a house. Do I note a trend? Now a guy in a strait jacket playing solitaire with his tongue. And a toy boat in a gutter. Wow, this is serious shit. Oh, they mention shuffling the deck in the song. That makes sense. But why is he playing cards with his tongue? Crazy. This sounds like 80s music. Only the boat is in color, just like in Schindler's List. Oh, I get it. This is about World War II.
Lisa Loeb
Do You Sleep
Here's that nerdy chick with the glasses pouring a bucket of water over dry ice. Must be a Halloween thing. She's singing about sheep. Maybe she's washing her sheep costume for the big party. Did she borrow those glasses from Sally Jesse Rapheal? She is hot in that underage librarian way. And she has a bunch of stars sparkling behind her. I like a woman who does her laundry by moonlight. Something's wrong with her hands. Now she's looking at her short skirt. This chick needs to work on her ego. I think her boyfriend dumped her. Now she's standing in water. Good thing that guitar's not electric. Maybe she'll get wet. Hey, what did happen to wet t-shirt contests? I'll go out on a limb right here and say we should bring them back. Maybe put a few in music videos. She's still singing. And washing her laundry. I wonder if she'd do mine?
Charlie Sexton Sextet
Sunday Clothes
A bunch of guys playing instruments in a field of wheat. Well, at least they got out of the house. Time to go to church, Little Charlie. Grandma's laid out your sky blue leisure suit. Time for some preaching. Charlie looks upset. Maybe he's still pissed at Doyle Bramhall Jr. for checking into heroin rehab and breaking up the Arc Angels. Grandma's got a birthday cake. Wonder why Will Sexton didn't get invited to this party? Now Little Charlie's going to visit Dad in prison. I think this symbolizes Charlie's mid-80s attempt at being an emaciated teen idol. Now he's running through the wheat. Children of the Wheat? Isn't that a Stephen King movie? That kid has one cool leisure suit. Church is out and Little Charlie's on the run. Now he's in his dainty underthings and the leisure suit is on a scarecrow. I think this is a warning to Will that if they team up, younger brother better not get too uppity.
The Librarians
Nancy
Some little kid is on a cell phone and he borrowed Ninja guy's blonde wig. A cowboy in a convertible with a Chihuahua. Here comes the kid in the wig. Cool song. Sort of a country David Lynch thing. The kid stripped the Chihuahua's shirt off. This could get kinky. Now the cowboy is wearing the wig. Oops, he set it on fire! This also symbolizes man's inhumanity to man, or at least to his hair. He's stomping in the flaming hair with his cowboy boots. Wait, the dude is suddenly a chick. The dog's the same, though. Now the kid is back in the wig and cutting himself on cactus. Nice western theme. The chick gets on a horse and the kid throws the wig at her butt. I think this is one of David Lynch's home movies. Where's the deformed Marilyn Monroe dancer? Or that baby goat? Wow, hacky sack. And a train.
Timbuk 3
Just Wanna Funk With Your Mind
A band playing in a warehouse. Shiny silver gloves. The future's so bright. . . Sorry, wrong video. Barbara's wearing a magician's tuxedo. Now, here's somebody's tattooed back. Nice serpent. Wooooo! That tattoo is on a topless chick. And they showed the side of her boob, just like on NYPD Blue. I bet fans of this band are--gross, she just pulled a brain out of her hat--pretty sad about the breakup. Pat and Barbara got divorced. I think they got concerned that they were starting to look too much alike. And that's not a pretty sight. Looks like they're having eggs for dinner. Nice strobe light. Barbara's driving a cool old car and there's an ugly mask on the stick shift. This is definitely Freudian. Pat is playing harmonica in the street. Barbara's performing brain surgery. I think we've found the next Mrs. Bobbitt. Nice to know they did have a few other good songs before the band collapsed.
Ed Hall
Weirdo Song
Another dead band. This is the video the Butthole Surfers wish they'd made. It's all footage of some prepubescent beauty contest. Ma Petit Fleur, it says on the wall. I think that's code for child pornography, but I could be wrong. Fire! Nevermind, just a close-up of a redhead's hair. The little chicks are spinning in circles in their party dresses. This is a great song. I think the singer must've had throat surgery the day before they recorded it. Mom is blowing a kiss to her daughter. The announcer looks like a dj in a tit bar. Uh oh, here's Ninja chick. And the pink power ranger. Finally, the teen models. She won the crown. I think it's made out of aluminum foil. This is disgusting. A little girl demonstrating the Kamasutra. Sick.
Crust
Chlamydia Is Not A Flower
A flower blooming. That goes with the title. Some kid peeing on a flower pot in a urinal. Some sleazy chick in leather takes a condom out of a dude's pocket and looks disgusted. She's tossing him on the bed. Hotdogs in one of those rotating things that keep them warm in the movie theater lobby. Can't imagine what that means. She's on to another guy, and another, and another What a slut. And her bra is hanging on the wall. He's calling the nurse, a dude who's wearing that same blonde wig! These video makers must share props. Now some guy is on the toilet and it must hurt, because he's screaming. The doctor is sticking a needle in his Ouch! Now he's seeing the doctor's face in the toilet. I think this is some sort of editorial comment on universal health care. Cool punk song.