| When vacuums attack! and other tales of wanking woe |
| It�s clear that some of Dallas-Fort Worth�s horny went too far in the search for the categorical cum, but let�s hear from those folks who aren�t into bungee jumping but do like a naked plunge off the high board. Take the bloke who entered M.J. Designs in North Richland Hills wearing nothing but a white t-shirt and a pair of Tasmanian Devil boxer shorts on a fair day in May. The manager noticed the guy, sans pants and shoes, but simply labeled him an unemployed macram� addict seeking a large plastic loop fix. With free license to roam the store, it�s not surprising he sneaked a bottle of tropical kiwi body lotion out of the store and set about to rub kiwi on his own hairy little wonders by the store�s four-door entrance. A smoking employee observed the stroking and quickly reported it to the manager. But not before the stroker spun away in an older-model car. Then there was the case of canine sodomy in where else but Grand Prairie. Paramedics were dispatched to aid a teen-aged boy who had his pecker pushed to the hilt in the throat of the neighbor�s dog. Seemed the boy had enticed the dog over to the fence with his own bratwurst but the dog had refused to let go. If lacerations weren�t enough, charges (I forget what ordinance he broke) were brought against the youngster by the offended dog owner. But the best local yank yarn has to be the case of the turned-on vacuum cleaner. A police buddy even faxed me a copy of the actual police report with wording that can scarcely be improved upon. Hurst police were �dispatched to the Whispering Run Apartments (so help me, God) in reference to a disturbance call. Dispatch advised that a white male was outside Building K making a lot of noise. The male apparently ran out of a unit screaming.� The report went on to say that the 25-year-old man had run into the apartment complex office raising a rust, sputtering that he had severed his penis and needed help. �Upon arrival at approximately 1306 hours, I met with ---- in the office, who had been holding a towel between his legs and screaming, �It hurts, it hurts.� As I attempted to render first aid, ---- kept hiding behind the bathroom door.� When the man was asked, �OK, son, what happened to your pee pee (not really),� he said the John may have been removed from the Thomas. �When I asked ----to explain exactly how the injury was sustained, he reluctantly responded, �The vacuum did it.� � according to the police report. The special masturbation SWAT team officer then asked how the vacuum was able to penetrate the man�s jeans, and was told that the victim had been in the nude. �I was just sitting on the couch trying to change the belt when all of a sudden it just went on,� he said in a high, petulant voice. �---- stated the vacuum had been turned off while he was holding it in his lap to service it,� the report read. �---- stated that he may have accidentally turned it on while he was trying to fix the belt.� The man with the sanguine schlong was transported to the hospital by ambulance at approximately 1320 hours. The vacuum lay prostrate and depressed on the living room floor after being questioned by police. It reportedly pulled the plug on itself in despair later in the day. |
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