| Auto-eroticism is alive and kicking in the conservative, middle-minded and anal-retentive Dallas-Fort Worth area. People don�t allow themselves to fart here, but they experiment with hanging themselves in the search for a good orgasm. Sometimes they miscalculate and, during the grand mal cum-quest, really pull a boner. If there is no partner, there is generally no audience for the wangle-dangle-strangle and thus the victims are found with 18- to 20-inch necks by horrified family members. It seems if they hang themselves long enough, the neck bone breaks and the skin around stretches like rubber. I think I see a new Saturday morning cartoon show brewing! Part of the fun of doing the cops beat for the local newspaper is the interesting tidbits your police source buddy shares with you off the record. Our DFW Suburban Newspapers office is abuzz with tabloid topics that we would not print, but that frankly make our day. My friend Sarge (not his real nickname) introduced me to the zany world of autoerotics, and the highly inventive ways one-handed wonders die. �We call �em longnecks,� Sarge said, and went on to describe to me the ins and outs of sex performed while hooked up to all sorts of ingenious noose systems. �It is said to make the orgasm more intense because you hallucinate when your brain is starved for oxygen. Excuse me, but I thought that�s what illegal drugs were for, I thought to myself. My husband later added that he would more likely try animals before he would attempt a hang-bang. But I digress. The most recent auto-erotic death occurred in December in Arlington. This case received area acclaim because the choked bloke had run for Arlington City Council several times, was prominent in GOP goings-on and known for his teeth-gnashing conservative orations. This fine, God-and-country gentleman was found dead, nude and with towel cushioning the rope around his two-foot-long neck while suspended from his second floor banister. There was plenty of viscous evidence to the fact that he enjoyed himself to death as he spasmodically tipped the chair he had been standing on. The photo accompanying his obit showed a purposeful, dignified-looking man in a business suit with a steel-eyed, self-righteous expression. To bad he didn�t decide to try every item in the Adam & Eve catalog first. A few years ago in another Mid-City, a high school coach stretched his luck and was found a few days after he died jerking off hooked to a pulley attached to his automobile. The fail-safe release on the elaborate mechanical device didn�t and wasn�t. But my introduction to this fantastic, final faux fuck-feat should go down in the auto-erotic hall of shame. A couple of middle-aged parents came home from a weekend vacation and could not locate their 31-year-old son. Mom and Dad found Junior hanging in his closet from a high clothes bar dressed in women�s clothing. The closet walls were sprayed with enjoyment, but this man, too, had tap danced a little too hard on his platform of choice. The rousing yarn does not stop there. The cop who answered the call was known for his John Waters sense of humor, Sarge said. After gently ushering the parents from the room, he opened a duffel bag, donned a hat with fishing lures and put together a casting rod. Standing by the stretched-out stiff in drag, he posed beside his �catch� as a fellow officer took photos of him and the one that didn�t get away. |
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| Metroplex masturbation mayhem! |
| True tales from a nameless Dallas/Fort Worth area reporter* (*As featured on Cruel Site of the Day) |