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The 12 computerized days of Xmas

On the Twelfth day of Christmas ,
my computer gave to me

Twelve blown-out circuits
Eleven damaged diskettes
Ten disk-drive lockouts
Nine burnt-out fuses
Eight worthless printouts
Seven system resets
Six I/O spasms
Five Blank Cassettes
Four garbled SAVEs
Three loose plugs
Two keyboard bounces
And a glitch on the video screen

The Computer's Twelve Days of Christmas

My true love gave to me
Twelve plotters plotting,
Eleven printers grinding,
Ten punches jamming,
Nine nixies blinking,
Eight drums a-spinning,
Seven screens a-scrolling,
Six mice a-clicking,
Five write rings,
Four coding sheets,
Three punch cards,
Two paper tapes,
And a cartridge in a P.C.

The Programmer's Blues

There's trouble in the data now, I can feel it in my bones,
I had a premonition that I shouldn't code alone,
I had the new dos loaded but I didn't think it'd fry,
Then everything exploded and 2 weeks work blew sky-high!

So baby here's a printout and a keyboard for your hand,
And here's a little floppy, now do it just the way we planned,
You debug for 20 days and I'll pay you 20 grand!

I'm sorry it went down like this, but some chip had to fuse,
It's the typing of the language, It's the Programmer's Blues...

Programmer's Blues...

Coder's and the Analyst's, Hackers and Sysops,
Bad comments and strange bomb offs, and the bugs nobody copped,
No matter if it's Pascal, Basic or Cobol,
You've got to carry manuals, there's no online help at all!

It's lots of rotten coffee, and lot's of lousy food,
Every variable name is dangerous, it might have been pre-used,
It's the lure of relaxed typing, it's so easy to be crude!

Perhaps you'll understand it better, when you see my tools,
It's the ultimate enhancement, it's the Programmer's Blues!

Programmer's Blues...

You see it in their memos, you read them every day,
They say you have to fix those bugs, but they just don't go away,
No matter how hard you work, it just won't run OK,
You bury them in subroutines, but you know they're here to stay!

You hope that none'll notice them, but they always seem to do,
You beg for Beta testing, maybe one will give a clue,
Down from the office of your manager, you learn the heat's on you..

Heat's on you..

It's a losing proposition, but one you can't refuse,
It's policies of debugging, it's the Programmer's Blues...

Programmer's Blues!

Comp Sci Serenade

My program lies under the backlog,
My card deck's all over the floor,
The plotter is using a crayon,
And I just can't take any more.

Bring out, bring out,
Oh, bring out my printout today, today!
Bring out, bring out,
The one you ripped off yesterday.

The card reader chewed up my job card,
And someone erased all my files,
The system has been down for hours,
While people collapse in the aisles.

Flunk out, flunk out,
I worked like a dog each and every day!
Flunk out, flunk out,
Twelve projects were due yesterday!

Security holes I've discovered,
The records of grades are now mine.
What once was a one point five average,
Is now a three point nine nine!

Send out, send out,
Oh, send out those grades to big companies!
Send out, send out,
They'll all want a scholar like me!

You Can't Rush the Net

I need Netscape...To surf the web
I need to find, find...Some software on line
The F-A-Q said

You can't rush the net...No, you just have to wait
It said GIFS don't come quickly...Even with 56K
You can't rush the net...No you just have to wait
It takes a lot of time...To download from Ohio State

But how many searches...Must I do
To get the software...that I can use
But every single time...That I try to call
I get a busy sign...Coming from the phone
But the F-A-Q said

You can't rush the net...No you just have to wait
It said GIFS don't come quickly...even with 56K
How long must I wait...How much RAM will this take
Before a core dump...will cause my-y
Disk to break.

No, I don't know...What is going wrong
It's a world wide wait...And it takes so long
But when the download...Is almost done
That A-O-L...Keeps on hangin' up

You can't rush the net...No, you just have to wait
It said GIFS don't come quickly...Even with 56K
You can't rush the net...No you just have to wait
It takes a lot of time...To download from Ohio State

Four-oh-four...Site is not found
But I keep on booing...And keep on hissing
At the programmer...To relink the site
For the support team...To set it all right

I keep on pointing...I keep on clicking
But it keeps stalling...It keeps stalling
But the F-A-Q said

You can't rush the net...No you just have to wait
It takes a lot of time...To download from Ohio State
You can't rush the net...No, you just have to wait
It said GIFS don't come quickly...Even with 56K

Windows Post

System went down
Fileserver too
I don't know why I let windows make me a fool
It took all my memory
Crashed my new box
Now its down and my programs won't run,
this has been so much fun.
Sometimes I feel like crying in a Usenet post
Good Lord I lost all my files.
Tech Support tells me
I've been such a fool
Running more than one program at once
Now my computer's FU.
I'll reinstall tomorrow.
Bill Gates what have you done?
Nothing seems to change.
The errors are the same.
My programs won't run.
Sometimes I feel like crying in a Usenet post
Good Lord I lost all my files.

Wired Lullaby

Hush little baby don't you fret
Papa can't use a computer yet
How it hurts me to confess
Mama don't have no email address

Hush little baby don't be glum
Papa's gonna buy you a Pentium
And if that Pentium should crash
Mama's gonna buy you a Macintosh

Don't you worry, don't be alarmed
We'll get you online before you're harmed
We'll place a mouse in your wee hand
Before you can walk, or even stand

We'll put a screen in your bassinette
Ain't raisin' no computer illiterate