RETROHISTORY: I wrote this during bouts of insomnia in my room at a convention in Chicago, and bear in mind I was still drinking at the time. Mostly harmless fluff. Mostly.
Nebula, Queen of Sumeria and Scourge of the Aegean, looked across the table at half of that pathetic excuse for a welcoming committee Xena had provided, folded her arms across her chest, and snorted.
"I said Xena will be here in the morning," Gabrielle repeated with slightly less deference than she had used the first four times she had said it. "She asked for us to come on ahead and wait here with you. Specifically."
"So Xena can't be bothered to show up on time, but her flunkies can?"
Gabrielle took a deep enough breath to stop herself saying what she wanted to say, and said once again, "Xena is sorry she couldn't make it tonight and she'll be here in the morning." Nebula smiled nastily, and Gabrielle made a mental note to get Xena for this.
The din in the common-room was immense. Even the finest inns in port towns tended to be a little dirtier and a little sleazier than Gabrielle preferred, and this was far from one of the finest inns. As for the town itself, anything famous only for some half-whispered story about a donkey was hardly worth bothering with in the first place. Nebula's travelling companion, an Eire woman, was okay, and Xena would after all be along in the morning, which was tolerable--but in the meantime the din, and the dirt, and the tall tales, and most of all Nebula herself, were not. Ruminating on this almost made Gabrielle lose her temper. "And I'm not a flunky."
"Of course, I remember now." Nebula grinned, which gave her an alarming resemblance to a happy wolf. "You're Iolaus' little friend."
"'Little friend'?" Gabrielle repeated in what she thought was a dangerous tone.
"Oh, yes, he told me all about you."
"Did he now?" Gabrielle's smile became rather fixed. She shifted her weight on the bench and unconsciously drummed her fingers on the tabletop.
"Yeah. Hey, where'd the studmuffin go?"
"'Studmuffin'?"
"The one you came in with."
"Do you speak any Greek at all?" Gabrielle asked.
"Do you?"
"Nebula, leave the poor lass alone." Morrigan returned to the table, carrying a platter of food. She set it on the table and sat down. "Hercules said she's just been dead and all, I'm sure she's in no mood f'r your silliness. Gabrielle, I must be apologizing for my friend."
"That's quite all right," Gabrielle lied. She rather liked Morrigan.
"So where is studmuffin, then?"
Or maybe not.
"What a darling lad. Is he not just the sweetest thing, Nebula? ...What's that noise?"
Gabrielle smiled. She clamped her jaws together so hard she felt like she was driving her molars into her skull, and she smiled. Not now, she thought. Please.
Nebula looked back over her shoulder curiously. "There's a fight going on back there." She watched it for a minute more, and pronounced a royal judgement. "Cool." She turned back to the food.
Gabrielle looked at the table. Morrigan half-stood, looking in the direction of the commotion. "Isn't that y'r friend over there? He could be in trouble."
"He isn't in the trouble," Gabrielle said patiently, not looking up and continuing to smile. "He's just causing the trouble."
"What, that nice boy? I can't believe it. What's he doing?"
"Existing." At times like these Gabrielle felt this fact indicated a major fundamental flaw with the universe.
"Oh, there he is." Morrigan waved. "Over here, dear."
Gabrielle finally dared to look. Joxer was stepping carefully around the altercation, while staring at it in some fascination, and walked straight into a table. "Joxer," Gabrielle called, a little loudly, "over here. Now."
Hearing her voice seemed to clear his head somewhat. He made his way over without further incident. "I can't find Xena anywhere," he said.
Speaking slowly and clearly, Gabrielle said, "That's because she's not going to be here until tomorrow morning, remember?"
"Oh, well, that would explain it." Joxer sat down, satisfied that the mystery was solved, and pulled off a hunk of bread.
Bread and olives. Why Nebula couldn't travel in the style befitting her position, Gabrielle had no idea. When Xena had asked them to go on ahead and meet a queen, Gabrielle had imagined fine horses and luxurious tents and a retinue of cooks and hairdressers and servants. Instead the Queen of Sumeria was travelling, and dressing--and, as it turned out, behaving--like an unemployed sailor. All they needed was to pick up some sleazy stray dog of a drinking companion, and the ambiance would be complete.
"Excuse me." A handsome man, dressed far too well for the environment, shouldered Gabrielle aside and sat down. "Your Highness! Fancy meeting you here again! Do you remember me?"
Nebula looked at the new arrival as if he was something unpleasant she had just found on the bottom of her shoe. "Vaguely. You're somebody who starts with an M."
"Menander. You remember, you let me buy you lunch this morning. What a coincidence finding you here. I was really hoping to run into you again. Why, I was just saying to my friend Timarchus here, you remember Timarchus-- " He pulled a small, silent blonde man into view from behind him, this apparently being Timarchus. "I said 'Timarchus,' I said, 'I'd really like to see the Queen again, and pay my respects, and perhaps ask her to join us for--'"
"Go away."
"Yes, your Highness." Bowing, both Menander and Timarchus backed into the crowd.
Morrigan cranked an eyebrow. "Y'let him buy you lunch?"
Nebula sniffed. "Royalty groupies. They were following me around all damn morning. I let them buy me food and then chased them off. Persistent little buggers. Now, where was I? Oh yes, blondie was going to explain why Xena isn't capable of keeping a simple appointment."
"She was held up a little," Gabrielle said.
"She can't travel fast 'cause she's pregnant," Joxer added helpfully.
Nebula looked interested at this. "Do tell."
"Yeah, she's like out to here already. And she doesn't even know who the father is, can you believe that? Who's kicking me? One night she and Gabrielle were going over this huge list of people who it might be and it took like hours, d'you remember, Gabrielle? And ow, whoever's doing that quit it. And..."
"Xena can explain everything," Gabrielle said rather loudly. "I'm sure she has a perfectly good reason for coming in the morning instead. All we have to do is wait for her to show up and..."
"Exactly how many people were on this list?" Nebula asked.
Joxer frowned and started counting on his fingers. "I like you," Nebula said, poking him in the chest and almost knocking him backwards off the bench. "You take orders well, don't you?" she said and grinned the wolf grin again. He eyed her closely.
Far too closely for Gabrielle's liking. She poked him in the ribs. "Leave that alone," she hissed under her breath, "you don't know where it's been."
Morrigan picked up an olive and studied it thoughtfully. "So, no Xena until the morning. F'r some reason I seem to remember Hercules saying we were to do something if we met you two by yourselves and Xena not around."
"Yes," said Nebula, "he said we should turn and run as fast as possible in the opposite direction."
"You know," said Gabrielle with a brittle smile, "I haven't spoken to Hercules in such a long time, I really should talk to him. Where did you say he is? ...Joxer, whatever you're thinking of doing, don't."
"I wasn't thinking," Joxer protested. In fact, he was not doing much of anything except watching Nebula.
"That goes without saying."
"Cranky tonight, aren't we, blondie?" Nebula said cheerfully.
"No," Gabrielle spat.
Menander came wavering back up, holding two tankards of ale. "Here, Your Highness," he said to Nebula. "I bought you a drink."
"Very nice." Nebula took both the drinks. "Now go away."
Defeated, Menander disappeared into the crowd again. Nebula kept one drink and shoved the other across to Morrigan. "Twenty-three," Joxer announced suddenly. "I think. Did you want gods counted?"
Morrigan laughed. "You are an odd lad. Are you a Pict?"
"Picked for what?"
"Picts are these wee pale blue people that live on an island. Strange folk. No... you're not one of them, I am mistaken. They're much darker than you are."
Nebula sipped at her drink. "Twenty-three," she mused, and her grin grew wider and distinctly unpleasant.
"Well," said Gabrielle brightly. "Well." She slapped her open hands upon the table. "It's been a nice night, I suppose we all should turn in now."
"Turn in?" Nebula laughed. "The night hasn't even started yet. Come on, I'll show you the town. There's this place here famous for this show they do with a donkey and-- "
"I don't think so." Gabrielle smiled politely. "I'll see you in the morning. When Xena will be here," she added for good measure. She stood up and started to leave, but a few steps from the table realized something was missing and stopped. "Joxer, come on."
Joxer was still sitting at the table. "Xena said we were supposed to stay with Nebula," he said, far too innocently. "We should do what Xena said."
Not that kind of stay and not that kind of with, Gabrielle thought, but all she did was smile and say, "Now."
Obediently Joxer started to get up, and Morrigan tugged at his arm. "Oh, don't go, we are having such fun." He wavered for a moment, irresolute.
"No good," Nebula said to her in an undertone. "That boy is whipped."
"Do stay."
"I'm telling you."
Gabrielle put her hands on her hips and glared. "Joxer -- heel."
He followed her away.
"Whipped," Nebula confirmed. "Definitely."
"Oh, aye."
They both looked appraisingly across the room to where Gabrielle and Joxer had stopped to have a discussion, or perhaps more properly a chewing-out. Gabrielle was raving about something, and Joxer was watching her with a fascinated expression on his face. If he'd had a tail it would have been wagging.
"D'you think the lad needs rescuing, then?"
Nebula looked at Morrigan, the wolf grin showing. "It could be our good deed for the day." She got up and sauntered over to them, Morrigan following. "Listen up," she said. "How about we compromise? He can come with us so Xena'll be happy, and you can stay here so you can be happy."
"It's got nothing to do with happy." Gabrielle made small shooing motions at Joxer, who wavered for a moment but finally backed off a few steps. "You don't want to do that. Trust me."
"Oh, it's okay," Morrigan said. "We won't hurt him."
"Much," added Nebula.
"It's not him I'm worried about, it's you."
Nebula snorted. "Making threats, blondie?"
"I'm just telling you the facts. I'm used to dealing with him. You're not. Things will happen to you."
"Oh, well then, come with us, lass," Morrigan said.
"Lots of things. Bad things. Weird things. Believe me, I've seen it happen. Your friends will turn on you, your boats will sink, your hair will get split ends."
"And he's going to do all this?"
"He doesn't have to do anything, he just has to be around. Please, I'm just trying to protect you. Xena said we were to make sure nothing happened to you."
Nebula considered. "This is really upsetting you, isn't it?"
"Yes."
"Then I'll do it." Grinning the wolf grin, she took Joxer's arm. "Come on. I'll take you to the donkey." She dragged him off towards the door, but not before he gave Gabrielle a wild and rather indecipherable look over his shoulder.
Morrigan took Gabrielle aside. "You're right t'try and stop her, lass. You'd best go after them, or she'll eat him alive."
"That's not the point," Gabrielle said quite firmly. "The point is Xena said we should wait with Nebula, and keep an eye on her, and if Joxer doesn't hold very still and stay very quiet, things ...happen. And Xena said specifically that we were to make sure nothing happened to Nebula."
Morrigan put her hands on her hips for a moment, and the expression that crossed her face reminded Gabrielle for some reason of Xena at her most insufferable. "Y'know, Hercules said that it was not Joxer at all, and certainly not you..."
"Well, thanks," Gabrielle said acidly.
"...but something about the combination of the two of you that makes it happen with the sinking ships and the splitting ends and all. So maybe you are right an' you should stay behind."
Gabrielle stood in the middle of the trap, and put Hercules right behind Xena on the list of people who were going to pay for this. No, on second thought, she'd move him to the top. "Nothing is going to happen if I go."
"O'course not."
"That would be why I'm going, to prevent anything from happening."
"So you are coming, then?"
"We're supposed to keep an eye out for Nebula."
"Surely." Morrigan slapped her good-naturedly on the shoulder, and the two of them started threading through the crowd after Nebula and Joxer.
"We're just waiting for Xena."
"Right."
"Nothing's going to happen until Xena gets here anyway."
"O'course."
There was a crashing noise from just outside in the street. Gabrielle squared her shoulders and marched resolutely ahead and ignored it.
-----
Nebula led the way unerringly, or at least with a confidence that implied the same, through a twisty maze of increasingly darker and smellier streets, until they came to a small building producing a very large noise. "Quiet tonight," said Nebula, pushing aside the tattered cloth that served for a doorway and going inside.
The interior was dim and smoky from badly-maintained lamps and burning herbs. Morrigan started to say something, but whatever it was disappeared in a coughing fit. "What a great place," Nebula said happily.
"I'm sure I would agree if I could see it." Gabrielle rubbed at her eyes.
"It grows on you after a while. Come on." She swaggered up to the bar. "Hey, Marcus, long time no see."
"Shove off, Nebula," said the bartender and turned away.
"Gimme a drink and give my friends drinks, too."
"Screw you."
"This is Marcus," Nebula said. "Old buddy of mine. See that wooden leg of his? I got that for him."
"Yeah, after you cut off my real one," the bartender said.
"Good ole Marcus. What're you guys having?"
"They ain't having shit from me."
"Charming guy," Gabrielle said to Morrigan in an undertone.
"Have y'noticed we're the only women in here?"
"Have you noticed we're the only people in here that have taken baths in the past year?"
"This," Nebula announced, gathering four mugs together, "is a great drink. It's called an Egyptian Sling. Marcus makes the best Egyptian Slings in the entire Aegean, don't you, Marcus?"
"I hope you choke on 'em and die."
Nebula distributed the mugs and climbed onto a barstool, Gabrielle and Morrigan to one side of her, Joxer to the other. Gabrielle noticed this and scowled into her drink, then looked more closely at it and momentarily forgot about everything else. Morrigan was looking into her own mug with equally appalled fascination. "Is it that I am imagining things," she asked hesitantly, "or is it moving?"
"I'm not sure. Why don't you try it?"
"I'm not going t'try it. You try it."
"I'm not going to try it. Let's get Joxer. He'll try anything."
"Considering how close he's sticking t'Nebula, that's pretty obvious."
"Excuse me," Nebula said with an unpromising smile, "did I hear my name? You're not drinking, blondie. Drink up."
Gabrielle looked at Joxer, who was regarding his own mug rather dubiously. "Is it any good?" she asked him.
"I think it's moving."
"Drink it. Don't be a wuss."
"I can't drink it, it's not dead yet."
Gabrielle started to say something, then stopped and turned back to Morrigan. "What do you mean, 'sticking to Nebula'?"
"Well, all I'm saying, dear, is..."
"Xena told us to make sure nothing happens to Nebula, we're just doing our job. Which is why I came along in the first place, remember?"
"Oh," Morrigan said innocently, "I thought you came along to keep an eye on studmuffin."
"Look." Gabrielle slammed her mug on the counter. "I told you before that has nothing to do with it."
"O'course not."
"Just because he was practically sitting in her lap back at the inn..."
"If you say so, dear."
"Well," Nebula said, "we're a little touchy on the subject, aren't we? Hey, studmuffin." She elbowed Joxer, who was still unable to tear his eyes away from his drink. "Wake up, we're talking about you."
"Well, hello," said a familiar voice, and Menander walked up to them. Timarchus peered out from behind him, saying nothing. "Fancy meeting you here. Your Highness, if I may be so bold as to offer to pay for your refreshment there..."
"I got it free," Nebula said. "Marcus gave it to me 'cause we're old buddies, didn't you, Marcus?"
"Bite me," said Marcus.
"I insist," said Menander. He elbowed his way in between Gabrielle and Nebula, dropping a handful of coins on the counter. "So, Your Highness, do you have any plans for tonight? Because if not..."
"Excuse me." Gabrielle straightened up. "We're having a conversation here." Menander ignored her, and Gabrielle said a little more sharply, "A private conversation."
"Ah, let 'im alone as long as he's buying." Nebula drained her tankard in one pull and motioned to Marcus. "Another one over here, and make it strong this time, okay?"
"Sod off," said Marcus.
"I believe you have been supplanted," said Menander to Gabrielle in a somewhat less pleasant tone than he had been using with Nebula.
"I believe you're poking in where you're not wanted," Gabrielle said.
"No," said Morrigan, still looking at her drink, "it is definitely moving... Hush, lass, leave him be. Maybe Nebula will take an interest and leave y'r friend alone."
"It's NOT LIKE THAT."
"Will you be quiet, you silly bitch," Menander growled. Nebula was paying no attention to anything except her next Egyptian Sling. Joxer, on the other hand, was now sitting up straight and watching Menander closely.
"Look," said Gabrielle. She got off the barstool, which unfortunately put her at a definite height disadvantage, and walked up to Menander. "Nobody--" she poked him in the chest for emphasis--"asked you," poke, "over here," poke, "so show a little respect," finishing with a very hard poke.
Menander looked as though he would now get down as well, but Nebula tapped him on the shoulder. "Buy me another one," she commanded and he turned away from Gabrielle, fishing out another few dinars and tossing them over to Marcus. Joxer quietly walked over to stand behind Menander, his back stiff with what on any other man might have been seen as aggression.
Marcus shoved another tankard at Nebula, which distracted her long enough for Menander to turn and say to Gabrielle in a very unpleasant tone, "Listen, blondie, go peddle it down at the other end of the bar, okay? I've got more important things to do than argue with some two-obol tramp about..."
What exactly he thought he was arguing about would remain unclear, because before he could finish the sentence Joxer pulled him off the barstool, flung him into a nearby table, and dove right after him.
"Joxer," said Gabrielle, very annoyed, "stop that."
"Oh, dear," said Morrigan. The men sitting at the table had taken great offense at finding Menander in their drinks and a full-fledged brawl was starting.
"Stupid macho posturing," Gabrielle said. "I can't take him anywhere."
Someone overturned the table and sent it crashing into a neighboring one, which encouraged its residents to join in the fight as well. Nebula took a drink.
"Oh, don't be so hard on the lad, it was kind of sweet."
"Yeah, but now I have to go dig him out of there."
"I'll help you." Morrigan picked up a barstool and flipped it into the center of the melee, taking out a large bald man who had shown poor sportsmanship in drawing his sword. "I will be saying this for Nebula," Morrigan said cheerfully, "she does know how t'have a good time." The subject of the sentence remained at the bar, finishing her drink, while Gabrielle and Morrigan joined the fray.
Within minutes four spoilsport guardsmen kicked their way into the tavern, cursing and laying about with the butt-ends of their spears, knocking combatants to one side and the other as they advanced. The room simmered down. Gabrielle sheathed her sais, and Morrigan put down the man she had been intending to throw over the bar. Joxer crawled undamaged from under a knot of inert bodies, shaking himself like a wet dog. Menander and Timarchus had disappeared somewhere in the wreckage. Nebula sat on her barstool, delicately sipping another Egyptian Sling.
"Who the hell started this?" bellowed one of the guardsmen.
Marcus pointed to Nebula. "She did."
The guardsmen picked up the bemused Queen of Sumeria, and her drink, and dragged them out of the ruins of the tavern.
-----
The conversation went like this. Gabrielle would say, "You idiot. You moron. What was going through that fogged brain of yours? What makes you think I can't take care of myself?" Joxer would start to say, "But..." and Morrigan would interrupt and say, "Leave the lad alone, he was only trying t'protect y'r honor. It was really kind o' sweet." Joxer would start to say, "But..." and Gabrielle would interrupt and say, "Well, I'm only trying to protect his stupid skull from getting caved in. He's no good in a fight and he knows it." Joxer would start to say, "But..." and Morrigan would interrupt and say, "Men canna help it. They are all stupid like that." Joxer would start to say, "But..." and Gabrielle would interrupt and say, "You idiot. You moron. What was going through that fogged brain of yours?...." and it all would repeat.
This went on for quite some time. Marcus had given them directions to the jail ("If you ask me, you should just leave her there and let her rot"), which was a good long hike down along the waterfront, leaving lots of time for recrimination. It might not have become so repetitive had Joxer not originally tried to fight back and pointed out that Gabrielle should not have allowed the argument with Menander to get out of hand in the first place. Because this was true, she became infuriated and continued to snipe at him long past the point he surrendered. Morrigan walked along behind them, tactfully silent most of the time and making no more noise than the steady sloshing that rose from the wineskin she carried at her hip.
The jail was a large, dark building right on to the water, with its own pier extending a good ways out into the filthy harbor. "I hear sometimes they just tie the boats up right here an' send the crews directly inside," Morrigan said. "Saves 'em time in the long run." They pushed the front door open carefully and peered inside. There was a small, dingy anteroom lit with a handful of sputtering lamps, in which half-a-dozen members of the guard sat in a circle, playing dice. One man looked up at their approach. "We're full up tonight," he said, "go away."
"We've come to get a friend of ours out of here," Gabrielle said.
The man looked her over. "You're too clean to have any friends here," he said dismissively and picked up the dice.
Morrigan motioned for silence and took over. "There was a fight a little while ago at Marcus' place, an' they took away my friend Nebula by accident. Not knowing, I am sure, that she's the Queen of Sumeria."
"Yeah, and I'm Zeus, King of the Gods." The man rolled the dice, studied the results, and cursed. "Because I'm obviously not Hermes."
"So we are thinking, this being an accident and all, we could somehow get her out."
"You could pay her fine."
"How much is it?"
"How much you got?" He picked up the dice, rolled again, and cursed again.
Joxer was peering over Gabrielle's shoulder at the guardsmen's game, fascinated. "Tell you what," he said unexpectedly. "I'll roll you for it."
Morrigan looked at the rough faces of the guardsmen, who were now all looking at Joxer like dogs eyeing a fresh bone. "I am thinking this is not such a good idea, love," she said.
He wasn't listening. Instead he stepped into the circle. "Come on, one roll. I win, Nebula comes with us."
The head guardsman looked him, and then Gabrielle and Morrigan, over appraisingly. "What'll you give me if I win?"
"Oh, we'll figure that out later," Joxer said cheerfully, kneeling down and picking up the dice.
Morrigan, alarmed, thought she actually saw the head guardsman lick his lips. "This is not such a good idea," she said, more loudly this time, and reached to pull Joxer back to his feet.
Gabrielle caught her arm and pulled her back away from the circle. "No," she said softly. "Let him try."
Morrigan frowned and looked at her. "Are y'mad?" she said in an undertone. "Even if the damn dice weren't loaded, as they no doubt are..."
Gabrielle shook her head. "It's okay. Watch."
Joxer rolled. Morrigan looked at the results and hissed under her breath. The head guardsman looked and smiled. He picked up the dice, rolled, and looked at the results. He stopped smiling. He said, "Okay. How about two out of three?"
It actually took five out of seven to win Nebula's freedom (and eighteen dinars, and a brass armlet, and a dagger with a slightly nicked edge). "He's usually pretty good at stuff like this," Gabrielle said to Morrigan. "No idea why. I keep telling him he should sock away a little cash and replace that darn thing of his, but he always winds up giving it away or something first."
The head guardsman took his defeat with as much grace as might be expected under the circumstances, which was to say none at all. He had Joxer, Gabrielle, and Morrigan put outside in the street where they watched the closed door of the jail, and waited. After a brief period of time the head guardsman opened the door, pushed Nebula out of it, and closed it very loudly and firmly behind her.
Nebula, Queen of Sumeria, Scourge of the Aegean, and a woman who liked a good joke all right just so long as it was not on her, stared at her erstwhile companions. "I was just in jail," she said.
"Um, you all right?" Joxer asked hesitantly, whereupon Gabrielle stomped on his foot. "Ow."
"I was in jail."
"We're sorry we ow. I. I got you in trouble and everything."
"I haven't been in jail for years. This is great." Nebula laughed. "I'm having me a fine old time. What a night!" She clapped her hands together and looked around. "So now what?"
"I dinna know," Morrigan said cheerfully. "It's a great big town, I'm sure we can find something."
"Or something will find us," Gabrielle said under her breath.
"I need a drink," Nebula decided. "Who wants to come with me? Let's all get another drink and then go see the donkey."
"I think we've all had quite enough," Gabrielle said seriously, swaying a little.
"Don't be silly." Nebula gave her a friendly thump on the back that knocked the smaller woman half-over. "Everybody can use 'nother drink. Where's the inn gone?"
Joxer raised his hands defensively. "Don't look at me. It was okay when I left it."
"It was a rhetorical question, love," Morrigan told him.
"Rhet--"
"She means she didn't mean it," Gabrielle translated as she righted herself. "She meant which way to the inn?"
"Back over there some place." He gestured vaguely at everything that was not water.
"Oh good, we might be able to find it by Tuesday."
Everyone looked around for landmarks, except for Morrigan who looked up at the sky and frowned. "What time is it?" she asked.
"Night," said Joxer helpfully.
"It looks close on t'midnight. I really should pick my daughter up from the sitter."
"Go ahead," said Nebula. "We'll be looking for the inn."
"No, come with me. She's staying at a Hestian temple down here on the waterfront. We'll ask them for directions." Morrigan looked left and right and made a decision. "This way," she said and started walking.
The others followed. "A temple?" Nebula looked dubious. "Is it open this time of night? I thought only fun places were open this time of night."
"It's a Hestian temple. The doors are never closed."
"Hestia's one of those weirdo gods, isn't he?"
"She," Gabrielle corrected automatically. "She's goddess of the home. She has these virgin priestesses."
"Oh, man," said Nebula, genuinely disgusted. "That's sick."
The road ran down closer to the water, following the docks. The stench would have choked a goat. "Low tide," Morrigan observed.
Joxer sniffed and made a face. "What is that?"
"It's the smell of the sea," Nebula said cheerfully.
Joxer sniffed again, and his entire face screwed up in disgust. "I didn't know the sea smelled like-- "
"Your Highness! Queen Nebula! Wait up!" Menander came running up behind them, panting. He stopped and caught his breath, wheezing, choking out between gasps, "Oh, there... you are. What... a surprise." Timarchus also ran up and panted silently beside him. "You shouldn't be walking out here alone," Menander said.
Nebula put her hands on her hips and gave him a cold, regal glare. "I'm hardly alone."
"I mean without a man to protect you, Your Highness."
"Hey," Joxer protested.
"Women shouldn't be out alone at night in a neighborhood like this."
Now Morrigan and Gabrielle were glaring too. "Go away," Nebula said.
"Yes, Your Highness." Bowing, Menander and Timarchus backed away, disappearing into an alley.
"The nerve," said Morrigan. "'Poor wee women, out all alone, with no man'."
"Hey," Joxer protested again, louder.
"Oh, simmer down," Gabrielle said. "He just meant we didn't have a real man with us, that's all."
"An' if we did, we couldn't get in t'get my daughter, so it's a good thing," Morrigan said. "Here we are."
The Hestian temple was a tall, graceful building sitting regally among a variety of ramshackle warehouses almost at the water's edge. They passed through the huge main doors, left open as always to symbolize the welcome of the home, and Morrigan led them through to the inner chamber. She spoke briefly with the High Priestess and the two of them disappeared through a curtained doorway. Gabrielle and Nebula wandered over to the altar. Joxer, who associated Hestian temples with severe emotional trauma, hung back unhappily and stayed quiet.
Nebula regarded the tall gilt statue of Hestia behind the altar and leaned over enough to rub her fingertips against its foot. "I wonder how thick this gold leaf is," she mused.
"Leave it alone," said Gabrielle, appalled.
"Because if it's not that thick you could just chip off the outer surface and melt it down and separate the gold later." She saw the look Gabrielle was giving her and grinned the wolf grin back. "Theoretically, of course."
"Don't mess with gods. They're all crazy." Gabrielle fished out her share of the take from the dice game and put it in the offering bowl, just to be safe. As soon as her back was turned Nebula scooped it out again.
"Here we go," Morrigan said cheerfully. She pushed the curtain aside and came back into the room, holding the hand of a beautiful little girl with a cherubic face. The little angel pulled her hand away from her mother, said, "Look. I'm a harpy," and started racing around the room, holding her arms out to the sides and making dive-bombing harpy noises that ran down everyone's spines like fingernails across slate.
"Did we have a nice time with the Hestian priestesses, dear?" Morrigan asked.
"We all enjoyed having her here," the High Priestess said. She accepted the small leather purse Morrigan handed to her and said in a much better approximation of sincerity, "Such a sweet child."
"Gabrielle, I'd like you t'meet my daughter, Brigid. Brigid. Brigid, dear." Morrigan tried to follow the child's progress around the room, twisting in a half-circle. The child pulled to a stop in front of them, flapping her arms as she came in for a landing. "Brigid, come here an' meet Gabrielle. She's Aunt Xena's, uh... friend."
"Hello." The child studied Gabrielle for a moment. "Are you a goddess?"
"No, honey."
"My mother is half-a-goddess. I'm going to be a goddess too," Brigid announced. "When I grow up. I'm going to have powers and everything. I want cool powers like if you point your finger at someone and make them go BOOM. I try to make my tutor go boom. So far it hasn't worked yet," she admitted, "but I've been practicing and one day BOOM. And then no more twelve-times tables. I hate twelve-times tables." She flapped her arms and took off again.
"The poor thing," said Morrigan, "she was just exhausted."
Gabrielle eyed Brigid, who was climbing onto the altar with the apparent intent of proceeding directly up onto the statue of Hestia. "This is 'exhausted'?"
"Not her, the sitter."
The High Priestess started to speak, then frowned. "You brought a man in here."
"It's okay," said Gabrielle. "He's not a real man. We just had this discussion." Confirmed in his belief about the nature of things that happened to him in Hestian temples, Joxer slumped against the wall and hid his face in his hands.
"Look at me." Brigid had climbed all the way up the statue of Hestia and now stood on the goddess' shoulders, holding her arms out. "Look at me!"
The Priestess said, "Oh, dear," and Gabrielle said, "Oh, no," and Nebula said, "Hey, kid, take a look for Auntie Nebula and tell me if those are real diamonds in her eyes, okay?" Morrigan said, "Brigid, sweetheart, come down from there."
"Look at me, I'm a harpy," said Brigid, flapping her arms, and jumped. She sailed over the women's heads in a perfect swan dive. Joxer darted forward and caught her in midair, teetered dangerously for a moment, and fell over into the altar. Everything on it, including Joxer and Brigid, went crashing straight to the floor. The statue of Hestia wobbled ominously but did not follow, much to Nebula's disappointment.
"Whee," said Brigid.
Within minutes they found themselves standing in a huddle on the darkened street, staring at the now firmly closed doors of the temple. "Thrown out of a temple," Nebula mused. "And I didn't even steal anything this time. How the mighty have fallen."
"Well, at least we got directions," Morrigan said. "We can all go back to the inn now. The priestess said we follow this road up to the top of the hill and then turn right for about half a mile."
"I wanna see the donkey," said Brigid.
"It's past your bedtime, sweetheart."
"I don't wanna go to bed," Brigid said. "I wanna stay up and see the donkey."
"You're too young for the donkey," Morrigan said rather firmly.
"Aunt Nebula said the donkey is really cool. She says that last time she was here-- "
"Your mother is right," Nebula said in a loud voice, "yes she is, you need to go to bed and we all need to go back to the inn. Besides, we can get more drinks. Come on." She led the way up the hill, and they passed one cross street, and two, and when they passed the third one Menander and Timarchus caught up to them.
"Good evening, Your Highness," said Menander. "What a surprise meeting you here!"
"Shut up."
"Yes, Your Highness."
"We're going to see the donkey," Brigid said to him. "And make it go BOOM. Are you coming with us?"
"No," Gabrielle said firmly, glaring at Menander.
Nebula looked back over her shoulder at Gabrielle and grinned evilly at her discomfiture. "Oh, come on. What's another couple of flunkies?"
The Queen of Sumeria and her retinue trudged up the hill.
-----
By the time they reached the inn Nebula had an arm slung around Joxer's shoulders and was explaining to him, in great detail, all of the various entertainments she had invented to while away long dull nights at sea. Every now and then Menander tried to join the one-sided conversation and was ignored. Timarchus followed at his heels, saying nothing. Morrigan and Brigid walked with Gabrielle, who was having repeated and almost overwhelming urges to start another fight. With whom she did not care at this point.
"The gall of that woman," she snarled to Morrigan.
"Calm down."
"She has so much gall she oughta be divided into three parts." Her hand twitched on the hilt of her sai.
"That'd be one f'r each o' them, then."
"Whose side are you on, anyway?"
"I am not taking sides." Morrigan held her hands up, palms out, appeasingly. "I am on no one's side. I am going to put Brigid to bed and then I am going to bed myself, but if you want my advice you will go an' fetch studmuffin before she divides him into threes."
"It's not like that," Gabrielle said once again, so loudly that Timarchus blinked and looked back at her. "It is so not like that, what it is-- "
Morrigan shoved her gently in the direction of the table where Queen Nebula was now holding court. "Go on, lass. I'll be down in a minute an' give you some moral support."
The common-room was deserted, even the bar staff having apparently long since given up for the night and gone to bed. "Would you like a drink, Your Highness?" asked Menander and before there was an answer he was on his feet and heading for the bar. "I'll get it for you."
Joxer, to his credit, was trying to put at least a few inches between himself and Nebula. There wasn't enough room for Gabrielle to fit in between them, so she settled for throwing herself down next to him on the other side. "So, Nebula. About this donkey..."
Brigid came back into the room. "I want a drink of water," she said. Morrigan came trotting up behind her, took her arm, said, "Sorry," and led her away again.
"Forget the donkey, blondie. You can't handle the donkey."
"I don't know about that. I've spent all night handling you."
Nebula glared at Gabrielle, Gabrielle glared at Nebula, and Joxer tried his best to become invisible. Brigid came back into the room. "I want a story. Can someone tell me a story?"
Nebula looked at Gabrielle and smiled. "Aunt Gabrielle can tell you a story."
Gabrielle looked at Nebula and smiled. "I'm sorry, sweetheart, I don't know any stories."
Nebula grinned the wolf grin. "Oh, that's not true. Aunt Gabrielle knows lots of stories. Think of all the ones she made up about Uncle Iolaus."
Gabrielle stopped smiling and Joxer struggled with her for a moment to keep her in her chair and away from Nebula; then she smiled again, more tightly, and said, "Come on, Brigid, I'll tell you a story." She got down off the barstool and took the child's hand and led her out of the room, saying, "Okay. Once upon a time there was this evil nasty pirate queen who got a well-deserved comeuppance at the hands of..."
Menander, who had been rummaging behind the bar, finally came out with a single tankard. He presented it to Nebula with a flourish. Timarchus got up silently and left the room. Joxer leaned on the bar and waited for something interesting to happen.
Nebula looked at the drink, sniffed it suspiciously, shrugged, and took a pull. "That's the trouble with this town," she said. "Except for Marcus, they all serve wussy drinks," and she collapsed forward onto the bar and started snoring.
Timarchus came back into the room, a silken cord looped loosely around one hand. He walked up behind Joxer and looked at Nebula. "One too many, I guess," Joxer said, taking advantage of the opportunity to escape. As soon as his back was turned, Timarchus struck him across a fatal pressure point at the base of the skull. Joxer dropped like a stone and did not get up.
Timarchus looked at him, shrugged, and turned away. "I've taken care of most of the staff," he said. "There's still a chambermaid sleeping upstairs, but I'll take care of her later. Might be seen now. She out?"
Menander lifted Nebula's head and dropped it experimentally. It fell back against her folded arms, and she continued to snore. "Oh, yes," he said.
"We'd better take her down to the harbor first. We don't want to be carrying a dead body all the way down there, but an unconscious one we can explain away." Timarchus thrust the cord into a hidden pocket and moved to the bar. "Why the hell they couldn't have held still long enough for us to grab her down there in the first place..." He was interrupted by a godsawful clattering racket, as if a tinker's cart had been upended, and turned around just in time to duck under the chair Joxer was swinging at him. The chair knocked Menander aside, and Joxer stumbled, off-balance. Before he could recover Timarchus hit him with a good, solid punch and he went over.
He scrambled quickly to his feet again, graceless but determined, and lunged for Timarchus. "My brother used to try to kill me like that," he gasped, "for practice. All the time." Somebody's foot caught in something and the two of them more or less fell over together, and now Joxer had the advantage. He was used to falling. He got to his feet first, grabbed Timarchus by the collar of his shirt, and slammed him up against the wall. "You can't fool me. You're assassins. You're after Nebula." He slammed him again. It was supposed to knock Timarchus senseless, but didn't. It would have worked for Xena. He tried again. It would have worked for Gabby, or for Amarice, or for practically anyone, but it wasn't working for him. He tried it again, rather desperately.
"Finally figured it out, did you?" Timarchus shifted his weight slightly, then struck hard, sharp, and too fast to see at another fatal pressure point along Joxer's spine. Except the pressure point wasn't there when the strike landed, because Joxer had squirmed aside desperately and taken nothing more than a painful thump in the ribs instead. He wheezed but held his grip. Annoyed, Timarchus pushed off from the wall and drove forward like a bull, smashing Joxer into a table and allowing the momentum to flip them back and over to the ground. "Menander!" he yelled. "Get her the hell out of here and finish the job!"
Menander obediently slung Nebula's inert form over his shoulder, ignoring the two men grappling with each other almost under his feet. He turned for the door and found Brigid in his way. "You leave Aunt Nebula alone," she said. "I'm telling."
Menander advanced menacingly. "You're not telling anybody."
"You're not the boss of me. I'm gonna make you go BOOM."
"C'mere, kid," Menander snarled. He made a grab for Brigid, who danced out of range, pointing her finger. "Boom. Boom. Boom."
Cursing, Menander put Nebula down on the bar, where she flopped onto her side and snored happily. Brigid, seeing he was now freed of his burden and able to move much faster, changed tactics. "I'm TELLING," she shrieked and ran out the door, Menander following close on her heels. Joxer squawked in protest at this and started to go after Menander, forgetting he was still involved in the fight with Timarchus. Timarchus grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and slammed him up against the wall.
As the haze cleared Joxer thought dully Oh, so that's how you do it, and then he was on the floor and Timarchus was looping the garrote around his neck. "Son of a bacchae," Timarchus snarled, pulling the cord tight slowly and firmly, "you and those screeching harpies wasting my time all night, leading me all over town, I'm going to kill the lot of you for free and then I'm going to take you to the donkey and--" The rest of the sentence was cut short by a thunk like the sound of the hilt end of a sai meeting firmly with someone's temple, and Timarchus collapsed on top of him.
Gabrielle fell to her knees beside them, shoving Timarchus away. "Bad guy," Joxer gasped as she frantically pulled the cord loose from around his neck. "'Sassins..." He slumped against her, so agitated he forgot to take advantage of the situation. "Brigid-- "
"Mama got the nasty man," Brigid said, running into the room ahead of Morrigan. "Mama got him. She's half-a-goddess and she can do stuff like that. It was cool. Not as cool as if he went BOOM, but pretty cool anyways. What's wrong with Auntie Nebula?" She swarmed up a barstool and leaned close to Nebula's face, took a sniff, and backed off rather quickly.
"Auntie Nebula is... sick, dear." Morrigan plucked Brigid off the bar stool and put her on the floor.
"And she has to sleep," Gabrielle added.
"Oh. I thought she was just drunk." Brigid looked around the room for more entertainment and found none. "I wanna go to bed now," she said.
"Go on with you, then." Morrigan gave her a pat. "I'll be up t'tuck you in shortly. I've got t'clean up down here."
"That's good, cause it's a mess." Brigid yawned and left.
Morrigan made her way across the wreckage and picked up Timarchus by the scruff of his neck. "Did y'kill him?"
"Not yet," Gabrielle said grimly.
"Good. I sent the chambermaid t'fetch the guard, but first Nebula will want t'know who hired him." She flopped the assassin over onto his back, and he groaned. "Talk, love," Morrigan said, placing a foot directly under his breastbone and bearing her weight down on it just a tad. "Then y'can go stay in the nice jail until Nebula decides what she wants t'do with you." Timarchus looked up at her and spat.
"He... won't talk." Joxer sprawled across Gabrielle's lap, slowly catching his breath. "Assassin thing... bad for business."
"Do your worst, bitch," Timarchus said.
Morrigan didn't bat an eyelid. "I shall indeed." She unfastened the wineskin from her hip and hefted it consideringly, listening to it slosh. She held it still, and it continued sloshing. "D'you know what's in here? This is the rest o' the Egyptian Slings we didn't get t'finish back at Marcus'."
Timarchus blanched, but said nothing.
Morrigan shrugged. "Y'can talk or y'can drink, it's all the same to me." She tilted the wineskin threateningly, and Timarchus suddenly twitched and turned his head aside.
"No!" he said in a panic. "No, I'll talk. Just take that damn stuff away from me."
In fact, Timarchus talked so much that everyone quickly grew tired of him. Sumerian politics were very intricate and very complex and very dull. When the guard finally arrived and carted him away the room grew peaceful and still, quiet save for the steady rumble of Nebula's blissful snores.
Gabrielle sighed. She still sat with her back against the wall and Joxer still lay with his head pillowed in her lap. For some reason neither of them had bothered getting up yet. "So, now what do you want to do?"
Morrigan looked into the wineskin. "I don't know. I suppose we should start by finishing this stuff, and see what happens after that."
-----
In the early morning the town was almost presentable. A fresh salt breeze blew in from the bay, bringing with it the tang of sea and none of the pong of harbor that would be omnipresent once the sun rose a little more and the tide went out. There was no way Xena had been going to put up with that stink with her stomach still acting up and all. It had been well worth waiting until the morning so that she could ride into town without the smell knocking her right off Argo.
She rode up to the inn and noted it was still standing. Good sign. A cherubic little girl sat in the dirt outside, carefully arranging marbles on the ground in front of her. "Hello, Brigid," Xena said.
"Hello, Xena," Brigid said politely. She looked up at the warrior and squinted. "You're going to have a baby."
"Yes, I am." Xena dismounted and tied Argo to the hitching-post.
"I like babies. I wouldn't make a baby go BOOM. I might my tutor, though." She placed one marble a finger's-width apart from the others and looked satisfied. "Mama's upstairs with the silly people."
Xena went inside and up the stairs. At the end of the hall was an open door. Morrigan lay in the doorway, holding a dagger. She appeared to be asleep, but as Xena approached she opened one green eye, and then two, and smiled. "Good morning, Xena. Nice t'see you again."
"Same here." Xena looked over her into the room with some trepidation. "Earthquake?"
"In a sense, you could say. In a sense. I've been tryin' t'keep folk out. Or them in. Not sure which." Morrigan sat up against the doorframe and allowed Xena to pass.
The Queen of Sumeria lay fully dressed in regal repose upon the bed, a peaceable smile on her royal face and a noble snore issuing from her royal throat. Around the bed chaos reigned. A table lay on its side with the remains of an ewer scattered about it. A chest had been upended and its contents strewn across the floor in place of the rugs, one of which was draped halfway out the window and had what looked like donkey tracks on it. A huge shapeless heap of blankets lay on the floor at the foot of the bed. Joxer lay asleep on the floor next to it, his head pillowed on one of the pieces of that thing he usually insisted on wearing, although he was not wearing it -- or, truth be told, much of anything -- at this point.
"Have you sent for someone to take the bodies away yet?" Xena asked dryly.
"I was waiting for you. I think some of them are yours, if I am not mistaken."
Xena nudged Joxer with her foot. "This one's mine. I think. I had two."
"Over there." Morrigan gestured to the lump of bedding. "Go through it an' keep what you want. I'm going to fetch Brigid before she starts trying t'blow up y'r horse."
"Thanks." Xena pulled the blankets away and glared at what lay underneath them. "Gabrielle," she said, not softly.
"Mnh rpm."
"Gabrielle, wake up."
Joxer yawned and pushed himself up on his elbows, shaking his head. "Xena."
"Is your name Gabrielle? Be quiet."
Gabrielle opened one eye, saw Xena watching her, and too late shut it again and feigned sleep.
"Gabrielle, answers."
She now pretended to wake, stretching with an exaggerated yawn. "Oh... Xena. We were waiting for you."
"Did I say not to get into trouble?"
"We didn't."
"Then why are you still asleep, what happened to this room, and whose underwear is that on your head?"
Miraculously suddenly wide awake, Gabrielle snatched the offending garment away and shoved it under the blanket in a single quick motion. "Honestly, Xena, nothing is going on. We just overslept, that's all."
"Yeah," Joxer said helpfully, "'cause we were too tired to get up after-- "
"Joxer, why didn't you keep her out of trouble like I asked you?"
Gabrielle sat up straight. "Excuse me? Keep me out of trouble?"
"We didn't get into trouble," Joxer said. "We had a nice time. Morrigan's daughter taught us the twelve-times tables, and we took kind of a tour of the waterfront, and went to this one place that had really awful drinks that moved."
"What, Egyptian Slings? Gods above, no wonder Nebula's still sleeping. Some people never learn."
"Except that we never did get to see the donkey. Oh, and these assassins tried to kill Nebula after we got her out of jail," Joxer added while Gabrielle gesticulated wildly for silence, "but we stopped them."
Xena stared at Gabrielle. Gabrielle pointed at Joxer. "His fault." This usually worked.
Not this time. Xena continued to stare. Gabrielle stumbled to her feet, wrapping a blanket and what was left of her dignity about herself. "Everything was under control," she said, "everything was perfectly fine and all we did was wait for you like you asked, and nothing, absolutely nothing hap-- " She looked down under the blanket and screamed.
Joxer scrambled to his feet. Nebula yawned and sat up. Gabrielle continued to stare down under the blanket in horrified fascination. Xena moved forward and cautiously pulled it aside just enough so they could all see what had startled her. There was silence for a few moments.
Finally Nebula spoke. "Well, that's life," she said. "You're cruising along, everything is fine, and then one day you wake up with another goddamn tattoo." The Queen of Sumeria shrugged philosophically, flopped over on her side, and went back to sleep.
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