DOGS IN CLOVER
"Barring Complications"
Show #2
TEASER
FADE IN:
INT. INN ROOM - EVENING
Continuous from previous episode. It is the evening of that
same day. XENA is sitting in a chair, cradling EVE.
GABRIELLE is lying on her back on one of the beds, hands
behind her head, staring at the ceiling. Except for Xena's
rocking Eve slightly, nothing happens for at least thirty
seconds before Xena speaks.
XENA
Well. You were right. This certainly
is a change from the usual.
Gabrielle doesn't move.
XENA (CONT'D)
I don't know if I would call it a
"good" change, but hey, you know
best.
No response from Gabrielle.
XENA (CONT'D)
Yes, it's nothing like camping out
in the woods. The woods are so quiet.
Still no response.
XENA (CONT'D)
And dull. Nothing ever happens in
the woods. Not like here.
Still no response.
XENA (CONT'D)
I don't really think I can take all
this big-city excitement. I'm not
as young as I used to be.
GABRIELLE
(looking at the ceiling)
Do you ever think about life?
XENA
When there's some around to remind
me of it, yes.
GABRIELLE
And how it really, really sucks?
Again nothing happens for about twenty seconds or so.
XENA
Look, Gabrielle, I appreciate the
thought, but this was obviously a
bad idea. Let's just go back outside
of town and be on our way tomorrow,
like we planned.
GABRIELLE
(without moving)
No, no. We're going to stay here
tonight and have a nice change,
remember? Like... like a little
vacation. It'll be fun.
XENA
Yes, it's been a thrill a minute so
far.
Gabrielle sits up.
GABRIELLE
Well, then, we should go... do
something.
XENA
What's here to do?
GABRIELLE
Oh... this is a harbor town. I bet
they have all kinds of fun tourist
stuff to do. We could think of
something. There's the waterfront.
The agora.
(casually)
Joxer's here.
XENA
(snorts)
Joxer is halfway to Crete by now at
the rate he was going.
GABRIELLE
Oh, no.
XENA
Oh, yes. You scared him good this
time, I think.
GABRIELLE
(almost to herself)
This isn't good.
XENA
I wouldn't worry about it. He'll
come back sooner or later. He always
does.
(jiggles Eve)
Whether you want him to or not.
GABRIELLE
Yes, but something might happen to
him.
XENA
Oh, nothing ever happens to Joxer.
Nothing permanent, anyway.
GABRIELLE
He could...he could get beaten up by
Furies.
XENA
The only way to get beaten up by
Furies is to have a god sic them on
you, or if you cheat on your wife.
Gods don't notice Joxer. And he's
not married
(pause)
because if he was, the Furies would
have gotten him long before this.
GABRIELLE
Um. Tell you what.
She stands up.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
I'm going to go see if I can find
him, and then...and then we can all
have dinner together, or something.
Wouldn't that be nice?
XENA
Yes, it would be. In fact, it would
be exactly what we would be doing if
we had stayed in the woods in the
first place.
GABRIELLE
We'll be right back. You can... you
can go down and talk to people in
the common-room. The innkeeper said
they have all kinds of activities
here. They have a pool. There's a
bridge club...
She backs towards the door.
XENA
(frowns)
You seem awful anxious to find Joxer
all of a sudden.
GABRIELLE
Oh. No. No, I'm not. I just want
to, y'know, find him.
(backs some more)
No reason.
(hurried)
So I'll go find him and we'll be
back soon and you can wait for us,
okay?
She leaves the room before Xena can say anything else.
XENA
(partly to Eve, partly
to herself)
You know, I can remember when people
used to listen to me around here.
Eve laughs. Xena gives her a (although not The) look.
FADE OUT
ACT ONE
EXT. WATERFRONT -- EVENING
It is near to sunset down on the waterfront. The buildings
along the wharves and the roads are lit from the inside, and
their doors are open to the street. An incredible noise
level...talk, laughter, music. The area is crowded with
people, whose demeanor ranges from scruffy to downright weird.
A couple of the latter brush by Gabrielle as she wanders
down the street, gaping at the spectacle, and she jumps back
and brushes herself off. She stands still, puts her hands
on her hips, and looks around.
GABRIELLE
I don't care who's chasing him. No
way would he leave a place like this.
Resolved, she plows off through the crowd, shouldering aside
various knots of people of various sexes. She ducks neatly
aside to avoid being bowled over by the crowd, and in doing
so bumps into a man who is backing very quickly out of a
doorway.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
Oh! Excuse me!
The man turns around. It is AUTOLYCUS.
AUTOLYCUS
No, my fault, I--Gabrielle!
He straightens up and assumes as cool a demeanor as possible.
AUTOLYCUS (CONT'D)
How nice to... bump into you.
GABRIELLE
Um. It's good to see you, too.
They look at each other somewhat nervously.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
So, um, what are you doing out here?
AUTOLYCUS
Oh. Nothing, really. Just sort
of... hanging around.
GABRIELLE
Yeah. Me too. Just thought I'd
come out tonight...you know
(gestures)
no reason.
AUTOLYCUS
Me either.
They nod at each other, this settled, and fidget a little.
GABRIELLE
Uh...you haven't seen Joxer around
here anywhere, have you?
AUTOLYCUS
No, can't say that I have. Any
particular reason you're looking for
him?
GABRIELLE
Oh...oh, no. No reason.
AUTOLYCUS
(nods)
Oh. Okay.
(diffident)
Uh...you haven't seen Iolaus around,
have you?
GABRIELLE
No, not for a while. Why do you
ask?
AUTOLYCUS
No reason.
GABRIELLE
Ah.
They fidget a little more.
AUTOLYCUS
Well, nice seeing you.
GABRIELLE
(almost simultaneously)
Yes, you too. See you later.
AUTOLYCUS
Yes, bye.
GABRIELLE
Bye.
Auto backs away and disappears into the crowd as if he is in
somewhat of a hurry, and Gabrielle moves on from the spot in
the same fashion. She moves quickly and purposefully along
the street, stopping at each doorway and peering inside,
then moving efficiently along to the next.
INT. INN COMMON ROOM -- LATER
Several women are sitting at tables in the common room,
gossiping noisily. Most of the women are holding babies,
and several toddlers and smaller children are roaming
around the room. Xena enters the room, carrying Eve,
looking as cautious and considerably more uncomfortable
than if she were entering a dungeon. She finds a fairly empty
table near the back and sits down. Almost immediately a woman
holding a baby sits down next to her.
NIKOS' MOTHER
Oh, hello! I haven't seen you before.
What a beautiful little girl! Are
you new around here?
XENA
(brisk)
Just staying the night. I'm waiting
for some friends.
NIKOS' MOTHER
Well, you picked a good night to do
it. This is mothers' night. We all
come here for the evening once a
week and gossip and sit by the pool.
It's really great.
XENA
(unenthusiastic)
How nice.
NIKOS' MOTHER
(nods at Eve)
Is that your first? I know how it
is. You want to spend all your time
alone
XENA
(rather firmly)
Yes.
NIKOS' MOTHER
(without pausing)
with her. But really, it's so much
fun to be out with other women, doing
fun girl stuff. Ooh, what a precious.
She is SUCH a darling.
(to Eve)
Coochie coochie coo.
XENA
(obliged to say it)
Yours is cute too.
NIKOS' MOTHER
Oh, yes. This is Nikos!
She holds NIKOS up, almost in Xena's face.
NIKOS' MOTHER (CONT'D)
Say hello to the nice lady, Nikos.
Nikos burps.
NIKOS' MOTHER (CONT'D)
Isn't he just a darling?
XENA
Precious.
NIKOS' MOTHER
Isn't he though? He's just the apple
of his daddy's eye, isn't he?
She puts him on her shoulder and pats him, whereupon he burps
some more.
NIKOS' MOTHER (CONT'D)
I bet your husband is so proud of
that little darling too. Coochie
coochie.
XENA
I don't have a husband.
NIKOS' MOTHER
(pulls back a little;
somewhat cooler)
Oh?
XENA
He's... not around any more.
NIKOS' MOTHER
(instantly sympathetic)
Oh dear. What a shame, I'm so sorry.
You mean he's
(conspiratorial whisper)
on the other side?
XENA
Yeah. You could say that.
EXT. END OF WATERFRONT -- NIGHT
It is considerably later, and fully dark. Although there
are still quite a few people in the street, there are only a
few buildings here just before the wharves and harbor begin.
Gabrielle is working through the last of them but no longer
with any efficiency or even energy. She looks in the
doorways, moves to the next building, dismisses that one,
drags herself across the street to the last TAVERN on the
waterfront, looks inside--and sags.
GABRIELLE
(rolls eyes)
It would be the last one, wouldn't
it?
She enters the TAVERN.
INT. TAVERN -- CONTINUOUS
A fairly generic single-room waterfront tavern, with an
assorted populace of the same kind of odd, scruffy people we
have seen outside, making the same kind of racket. Some
people are sitting at tables, some are standing around
talking, some are standing at the actual bar itself. Among
the latter we see JOXER and IOLAUS. Gabrielle pushes her
way across the room to them.
GABRIELLE
There you are.
They both turn around at the sound of her voice. Iolaus
looks pleased and surprised. Joxer, on the other hand, makes
a great show of turning his back to her.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
I've been looking all over for y--
Oh, Iolaus. Hi!
IOLAUS
Hi! Great to see you!
GABRIELLE
Oh, it's good to see you too.
JOXER
(theatrically sulking)
I'm not talking to you.
IOLAUS
So, how've you been?
GABRIELLE
Oh, fine, fine. What's up?
IOLAUS
Oh, Furies are after me and Herc
because of that Zeus thing. The
usual.
JOXER
I wouldn't talk to you if you begged
me.
GABRIELLE
Gods, I know how that is. Can't
even stand still for like a day, it
seems lately.
IOLAUS
Yeah, it's a lot of stress. We're
thinking of going to Eire for a while
and kick back.
GABRIELLE
Sounds like a good idea.
JOXER
Not if you begged me on your knees.
On your knees and wearing nothing
but a, a begging thing.
(considers)
And some goat cheese.
GABRIELLE
Oh, Joxer, stop sulking and come on.
We have to go back to the inn.
IOLAUS
(to Jox)
Ooh. She gives orders.
JOXER
Tell me about it.
IOLAUS
It's kind of cute.
GABRIELLE
Joxer...NOW.
JOXER
(to Iolaus; indicates
the bruise on his
jaw)
Did I show you this? She gave this
to me.
IOLAUS
Tsk tsk.
GABRIELLE
Oh, for pity's sake.
She shoves herself onto a barstool next to Joxer and slaps
her hand, the one wearing the RING, on the countertop for
emphasis.
JOXER
So help me, I'm not going to--
(catches sight of the
ring)
Oooh.
IOLAUS
What?
JOXER
(takes Gabrielle's
hand and looks closer
at the ring)
Pretty.
IOLAUS
(impressed)
Some rock.
Gabrielle pulls her hand away.
JOXER
(still staring,
fascinated)
Shiny.
IOLAUS
(to Jox)
Yours? Looks like one of Aphrodite's--
GABRIELLE
(loudly)
Iolaus, didn't you say you had
somewhere to go?
IOLAUS
No.
GABRIELLE
Eire or something?
IOLAUS
Not right this minute.
GABRIELLE
Or someone to meet? What about
Autolycus?
Iolaus jumps.
IOLAUS
What about him?
GABRIELLE
I saw him earlier. He said he was
looking for you.
IOLAUS
Oh. He was?
(a beat)
Did he say where he was going?
GABRIELLE
No. He was just wandering around
the street
(waves vaguely)
up there.
JOXER
(following the motion
of the ring)
Ooh.
IOLAUS
I'd...better go find him.
He slides off the barstool.
IOLAUS (CONT'D)
Uh...no reason.
He shrugs, elaborately indifferent, before leaving. Joxer,
too fascinated by the ring to notice, grabs for Gab's hand
again, but she's too quick for him.
GABRIELLE
Stop that. We have to go.
JOXER
(remembering all of a
sudden)
I'm not talking to you.
He folds his arms on the bar and assumes a wounded air.
GABRIELLE
You are talking to me.
JOXER
I'm talking to you, but I'm not
TALKING to you.
GABRIELLE
No, I mean we have something important
to discuss, and we are going back to
the inn, and we are going to discuss
it, NOW.
JOXER
I can't hear you.
GABRIELLE
Oh, for...
JOXER
It's too noisy in here and I can't
hear you.
The volume of their conversation starts to increase
noticeably.
GABRIELLE
You are impossible, you know that?
You are absolutely impossible.
JOXER
I'm impossible? I'm not the one who
goes around hitting people after
they save people's lives after they
almost drown to death, practically.
GABRIELLE
I'm not the one who goes around
copping feels on the dock afterwards,
either.
JOXER
Copping f-- You were the one who...
GABRIELLE
(quickly)
I did NOT. Whatever it was you were
going to say, I did NOT do it, and I
don't CARE whether you thought I
did.
JOXER
I'm not going anywhere with you and
that's final.
GABRIELLE
(loud)
Joxer. Off the chair, outside, NOW.
JOXER
(loud)
Don't give me orders.
GABRIELLE
(very loud)
I'll give all the orders I want.
JOXER
(very loud)
You're not my mother.
GABRIELLE
(extremely loud, just
as everyone else in
the tavern falls
silent)
I'm your WIFE.
There is a beat, during which Gabrielle slowly realizes
everyone is staring at her. Joxer blinks. She turns back
to him, chastened, and speaks in a normal tone.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
Something happened with one of
Aphrodite's spells during that fight
on the dock, and we accidentally
wound up married.
JOXER
(shell-shocked)
Married.
GABRIELLE
I can not BELIEVE my life lately.
Joxer's expression softens. If he were not Joxer we might
almost think it thoughtful. Gabrielle doesn't notice this.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
Everything SUCKS. Dying and coming
back and angels and miracle babies
and dead gods and twilights and...
Joxer's expression is now definitely in the "sappy" range.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
and now THIS. What a stupid MESS.
The expression disappears.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
I mean, this is the WORST of all. I
mean, it can't GET any worse.
He turns to look at her.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
So I want you to come with me so we
can go back to the inn and figure
out how to get out of it, because
it's the biggest, stupidest mess
I've ever seen in my entire life.
Joxer stands up, still looking at her, and for some reason
she flinches. He repeats himself, but very quietly this
time.
JOXER
I'm not going anywhere with you.
He turns around and walks away, leaving her sitting on the
barstool.
FADE OUT
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
EXT. INN POOL -- NIGHT
The pool area is lit with torches, and the women, babies,
and small children who were earlier inside are now out here.
The women are sitting in deck chairs in small groups. Some
small children run across the scene, shrieking loudly, as
Xena and Nikos' mother place Nikos and Eve into a playpen.
The camera follows them as they go sit down nearby, the
playpen winding up just off-screen.
NIKOS' MOTHER
See? Isn't this fun?
XENA
(unwillingly)
Yeah. Kinda. It's a change in the
routine, anyway.
NIKOS' MOTHER
Oh, I know. All day in the house,
watching children, baking bread,
dusting...it takes a lot out of you.
XENA
Uh-huh.
NIKOS' MOTHER
But it's all worth it in the end,
isn't it?
She gazes fondly o.s. at Nikos.
NIKOS' MOTHER (CONT'D)
I can't get over Eve. Such a little
angel. I just love babies. Don't
you just love babies?
Xena looks o.s. at Nikos and Eve as well, and her expression
softens.
XENA
(goofy grin)
Yeah.
Too late she realizes she's smiling and stops abruptly,
glancing around quickly to see if anyone noticed. Nikos'
mother has not.
NIKOS' MOTHER
They're so wonderful. And so sweet,
and so adorable, and their little
round faces, sometimes I could swear
they're positively glowing...
(voice trails off)
Uh... is she supposed to be glowing
like that?
XENA
Yeah. Pay it no mind.
NIKOS' MOTHER
Oh.
XENA
There's nothing wrong with her, if
that's what you mean.
NIKOS' MOTHER
Oh, no, no, it's just that...
(pause)
When I said she was a little angel,
I just didn't think I meant it quite
so literally.
INT. ANOTHER TAVERN -- LATER
Another one of the sleazy waterfront taverns, another group
of sleazy waterfront people, another bar. Joxer is leaning
on the bar, nursing a drink. Iolaus is on one side of him,
and Autolycus the other. They look cheerful. Joxer's
expression, on the other hand, is reminiscent of nothing so
much as one of Xena's.
IOLAUS
Women.
AUTOLYCUS
Yeah. Women.
IOLAUS
What are you going to do?
AUTOLYCUS
Can't live with 'em, can't live
without 'em.
IOLAUS
Plenty of other fish in the sea.
AUTOLYCUS
Someone for everyone.
IOLAUS
Everything happens for the best.
AUTOLYCUS
When the gods close a door, they
open a window.
JOXER
Go away.
IOLAUS
(to Autolycus)
Yeah, and you crawl right through
it.
AUTOLYCUS
Well, at least I have a profession.
IOLAUS
You know what we ought to do? Let's
all go out and do some guy stuff.
AUTOLYCUS
Like what?
IOLAUS
We could go out drinking.
AUTOLYCUS
We are drinking.
IOLAUS
Oh. Yeah.
AUTOLYCUS
Here we are, doing fun guy stuff,
together.
JOXER
Go away.
IOLAUS
Who needs women, anyhow?
AUTOLYCUS
Women.
IOLAUS
Yeah. Women.
AUTOLYCUS
What are you gonna do?
IOLAUS
Can't live with 'em, can't live
without them.
JOXER
(studies his drink)
You know what they should do? They
should make up little flasks with
drinks in them, and tie them together
in a bunch, like six or something
all together, so that you could take
them away some place and drink them,
and NOT have anyone bothering you.
AUTOLYCUS
Like women.
He and Iolaus nod sagely.
JOXER
(slumps; resigned)
Go away.
Auto and Iolaus make themselves comfortable.
ANGLE ON DOORWAY
An extremely tired and bedraggled Gabrielle appears in the
doorway. She stares into the room, then throws her hands in
the air and addresses the ceiling.
GABRIELLE
It's the last one AGAIN.
She heads across the room towards the guys.
ANGLE ON BAR
They see her coming. Joxer turns away as before, except
this time nervously. Auto and Iolaus watch her approach
with mild interest.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
Hi, guys. Joxer--
She reaches for his shoulder but he flinches away.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
Joxer, come on. We have to talk.
IOLAUS
Uh-oh. "We have to talk."
AUTOLYCUS
Not a good sign.
IOLAUS
Yeah. You never want to hear "We
have to talk."
GABRIELLE
(to Iolaus)
Don't you have some place to go?
IOLAUS
No.
AUTOLYCUS
Not at all.
GABRIELLE
What are you two doing here anyway?
They look nervous all of a sudden.
IOLAUS
Um...nothing.
AUTOLYCUS
Yeah. Nothing.
IOLAUS
Total coincidence we're here together.
AUTOLYCUS
But we're not here, together, of
course.
IOLAUS
No, not at all.
Joxer still isn't paying any attention to the conversation,
but Gab starts to frown, as if she's beginning to suspect
something.
AUTOLYCUS
Well. Well, we really should be
going.
IOLAUS
Separately. Not together.
AUTOLYCUS
Yes. Certainly.
IOLAUS
(backing away)
See you later.
AUTOLYCUS
(backing away as well)
Night.
(to Joxer)
Hope the woman thing clears up.
Gabrielle gives him a look, and he scuttles off with Iolaus.
Both she and Joxer watch them go for a moment. Gab then turns
to him, and he twists his head aside and looks away.
GABRIELLE
Joxer...
She moves around to face him. He twists his head to the
other side petulantly, and she moves again.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
Joxer...
He moves a third time.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
(annoyed)
Stop it. Stop it, you're making me
dizzy. Would you...
She grabs his chin to turn his head to face her, sees the
bruise, and stops in mid-sentence. She bites her lip, then
fishes out a handkerchief from somewhere (a good trick,
considering that outfit of hers isn't larger than one to any
appreciable degree) and dabs at it, clucking. They fuss for
a minute before she lets him go. Then she sighs, and sits
down. They both lean back against the bar, staring at the
floor instead of each other.
JOXER
(bitterly)
"Big mess".
GABRIELLE
I didn't mean it like that.
JOXER
Yes you did.
GABRIELLE
Well...well, what would you call it?
He doesn't answer.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
I mean, it's a totally impossible
situation.
(makes a face)
He flinches and turns away.
JOXER
It's just that--
GABRIELLE
Joxer...
JOXER
(turns to face her,
suddenly upset)
Gabrielle, why do you have to keep
calling it a mess and why do you
have to make a face like that--
She realizes she is making the face and stops quickly.
JOXER (CONT'D)
I mean, I know I'm not...I don't
mind the little things, like the
kissing and the punching and stuff
like that, but this--You come in
here and you tell me something,
something I want more than anything
else in the world, something I can't
even think about half the time because
it hurts too much, and you know that.
You know all of that, and yet you
come in here and first of all, you
tell me, and then you say how it's a
"mess" to you and "impossible" and
the faces and everything. And, and...
He runs out of steam all at once and slumps.
GABRIELLE
(sighs)
I'm sorry.
JOXER
(mumbling)
S'okay.
GABRIELLE
No, you're right. I guess I wasn't
very tactful about it.
JOXER
You didn't even need to say anything,
you know. I mean, if it was such a
mess and everything.
GABRIELLE
No. Aphrodite said if you didn't
know about the spell, you might get
into trouble. I wouldn't want that.
JOXER
(perking a little)
Really?
GABRIELLE
Of course not. Don't be silly. You
really think I would want you to get
beaten up by Furies or something?
JOXER
I don't know. You kind of confuse
me sometimes. I'm not sure what you
want.
GABRIELLE
(fingers the ring
absently)
Yeah. That's what Aphrodite said,
too.
She looks at her hand.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
She said until I make up my mind
about... some stuff, she can't lift
the spell. And until then
(sighs)
we have to be married.
Joxer looks much more perky at this.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
(not bothering to
look at him)
Joxer, don't even think about it.
He deflates. There is a moment's silence, during which they
both appear lost in their own thoughts.
JOXER
(sighs)
Well, I bet Xena will figure something
out real soon.
Gabrielle says nothing.
JOXER (CONT'D)
Cause she's always good at figuring
things like this out, and I bet she's
like got an idea already.
Gabrielle says nothing. Joxer glances at her.
JOXER (CONT'D)
Cause like when you told her I bet
she thought of something right away
Gabrielle says nothing.
JOXER (CONT'D)
(louder)
when you told her.
Gabrielle says nothing.
JOXER (CONT'D)
When you--
GABRIELLE
I'm not STUPID.
JOXER
Oh, my god.
GABRIELLE
She's all grouchy anyway because I
made her stay here tonight while I
tried to get everything straightened
out with Aphrodite.
JOXER
Oh, my god.
GABRIELLE
Don't look at me like that. I'll
tell her...when the time is right,
is all.
JOXER
Oh, my GOD.
GABRIELLE
Actually, we probably should tell
her together. That "married" rule
again.
JOXER
What "we"? She's not going to take
a chakram and cut off your--
Iolaus and Autolycus reappear. They look frazzled.
IOLAUS
Xena's coming.
AUTOLYCUS
She's in a mood.
IOLAUS
You didn't see us.
AUTOLYCUS
You didn't.
(pause)
No reason.
They leave again, very fast. Gab and Jox barely have time
to regroup before Xena comes up to them, carrying Eve and
looking as cranky as hell.
XENA
There you are.
GABRIELLE
Um.
JOXER
Um.
XENA
What in Zeus' ex-name are you doing
in here? I thought you were coming
right back.
GABRIELLE
Uh...nothing.
JOXER
Nothing.
They fidget. Xena doesn't notice.
XENA
I've been stuck for the past three
hours in housewife hell, and you're
hanging around doing "nothing".
Both of you. Outside. NOW.
They look at each other.
XENA (CONT'D)
(coldly)
Is there anything I should know?
GABRIELLE
(fast)
No.
JOXER
(faster)
No.
XENA
Then is there any reason we are not
moving?
GABRIELLE
No.
JOXER
No reason.
It is obvious this is not going to be a good time for long
explanations. They look at each other once more then,
defeated, scurry o.s. towards the door. Xena glares after
them for a minute.
XENA
(to Eve)
Never any Furies around when you
need them.
She follows them o.s. as we
FADE OUT:
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