DOGS IN CLOVER

                             "Barring Complications"

                                     Show #2

                                          TEASER

               FADE IN:

               INT. INN ROOM - EVENING

               Continuous from previous episode.  It is the evening of that 
               same day.  XENA is sitting in a chair, cradling EVE.  
               GABRIELLE is lying on her back on one of the beds, hands 
               behind her head, staring at the ceiling.  Except for Xena's 
               rocking Eve slightly, nothing happens for at least thirty 
               seconds before Xena speaks.

                                     XENA
                         Well.  You were right.  This certainly 
                         is a change from the usual.

               Gabrielle doesn't move.

                                     XENA (CONT'D)
                         I don't know if I would call it a 
                         "good" change, but hey, you know 
                         best.

               No response from Gabrielle.

                                     XENA (CONT'D)
                         Yes, it's nothing like camping out 
                         in the woods.  The woods are so quiet.

               Still no response.

                                     XENA (CONT'D)
                         And dull.  Nothing ever happens in 
                         the woods.  Not like here.

               Still no response.

                                     XENA (CONT'D)
                         I don't really think I can take all 
                         this big-city excitement.  I'm not 
                         as young as I used to be.

                                     GABRIELLE
                              (looking at the ceiling)
                         Do you ever think about life?

                                     XENA
                         When there's some around to remind 
                         me of it, yes.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         And how it really, really sucks?

               Again nothing happens for about twenty seconds or so.

                                     XENA
                         Look, Gabrielle, I appreciate the 
                         thought, but this was obviously a 
                         bad idea.  Let's just go back outside 
                         of town and be on our way tomorrow, 
                         like we planned.

                                     GABRIELLE
                              (without moving)
                         No, no.  We're going to stay here 
                         tonight and have a nice change, 
                         remember?  Like... like a little 
                         vacation.  It'll be fun.

                                     XENA
                         Yes, it's been a thrill a minute so 
                         far.

               Gabrielle sits up.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Well, then, we should go... do 
                         something.

                                     XENA
                         What's here to do?

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Oh... this is a harbor town.  I bet 
                         they have all kinds of fun tourist 
                         stuff to do.  We could think of 
                         something.  There's the waterfront.  
                         The agora.
                              (casually)
                         Joxer's here. 

                                     XENA
                              (snorts)
                         Joxer is halfway to Crete by now at 
                         the rate he was going.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Oh, no.

                                     XENA
                         Oh, yes.  You scared him good this 
                         time, I think.

                                     GABRIELLE
                              (almost to herself)
                         This isn't good.

                                     XENA
                         I wouldn't worry about it.  He'll 
                         come back sooner or later.  He always 
                         does.
                              (jiggles Eve)
                         Whether you want him to or not.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Yes, but something might happen to 
                         him.

                                     XENA
                         Oh, nothing ever happens to Joxer.  
                         Nothing permanent, anyway.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         He could...he could get beaten up by 
                         Furies.

                                     XENA
                         The only way to get beaten up by 
                         Furies is to have a god sic them on 
                         you, or if you cheat on your wife.  
                         Gods don't notice Joxer.  And he's 
                         not married
                              (pause)
                         because if he was, the Furies would 
                         have gotten him long before this.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Um.  Tell you what.

               She stands up.

                                     GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
                         I'm going to go see if I can find 
                         him, and then...and then we can all 
                         have dinner together, or something.  
                         Wouldn't that be nice?

                                     XENA
                         Yes, it would be.  In fact, it would 
                         be exactly what we would be doing if 
                         we had stayed in the woods in the 
                         first place.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         We'll be right back.  You can... you 
                         can go down and talk to people in 
                         the common-room.  The innkeeper said 
                         they have all kinds of activities 
                         here.  They have a pool.  There's a 
                         bridge club...

               She backs towards the door.

                                     XENA
                              (frowns)
                         You seem awful anxious to find Joxer 
                         all of a sudden.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Oh.  No.  No, I'm not.  I just want 
                         to, y'know, find him.
                              (backs some more)
                         No reason.
                              (hurried)
                         So I'll go find him and we'll be 
                         back soon and you can wait for us, 
                         okay?

               She leaves the room before Xena can say anything else.

                                     XENA
                              (partly to Eve, partly 
                              to herself)
                         You know, I can remember when people 
                         used to listen to me around here.

               Eve laughs.  Xena gives her a (although not The) look.

                                                                   FADE OUT


ACT ONE EXT. WATERFRONT -- EVENING It is near to sunset down on the waterfront. The buildings along the wharves and the roads are lit from the inside, and their doors are open to the street. An incredible noise level...talk, laughter, music. The area is crowded with people, whose demeanor ranges from scruffy to downright weird. A couple of the latter brush by Gabrielle as she wanders down the street, gaping at the spectacle, and she jumps back and brushes herself off. She stands still, puts her hands on her hips, and looks around. GABRIELLE I don't care who's chasing him. No way would he leave a place like this. Resolved, she plows off through the crowd, shouldering aside various knots of people of various sexes. She ducks neatly aside to avoid being bowled over by the crowd, and in doing so bumps into a man who is backing very quickly out of a doorway. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) Oh! Excuse me! The man turns around. It is AUTOLYCUS. AUTOLYCUS No, my fault, I--Gabrielle! He straightens up and assumes as cool a demeanor as possible. AUTOLYCUS (CONT'D) How nice to... bump into you. GABRIELLE Um. It's good to see you, too. They look at each other somewhat nervously. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) So, um, what are you doing out here? AUTOLYCUS Oh. Nothing, really. Just sort of... hanging around. GABRIELLE Yeah. Me too. Just thought I'd come out tonight...you know (gestures) no reason. AUTOLYCUS Me either. They nod at each other, this settled, and fidget a little. GABRIELLE Uh...you haven't seen Joxer around here anywhere, have you? AUTOLYCUS No, can't say that I have. Any particular reason you're looking for him? GABRIELLE Oh...oh, no. No reason. AUTOLYCUS (nods) Oh. Okay. (diffident) Uh...you haven't seen Iolaus around, have you? GABRIELLE No, not for a while. Why do you ask? AUTOLYCUS No reason. GABRIELLE Ah. They fidget a little more. AUTOLYCUS Well, nice seeing you. GABRIELLE (almost simultaneously) Yes, you too. See you later. AUTOLYCUS Yes, bye. GABRIELLE Bye. Auto backs away and disappears into the crowd as if he is in somewhat of a hurry, and Gabrielle moves on from the spot in the same fashion. She moves quickly and purposefully along the street, stopping at each doorway and peering inside, then moving efficiently along to the next. INT. INN COMMON ROOM -- LATER Several women are sitting at tables in the common room, gossiping noisily. Most of the women are holding babies, and several toddlers and smaller children are roaming around the room. Xena enters the room, carrying Eve, looking as cautious and considerably more uncomfortable than if she were entering a dungeon. She finds a fairly empty table near the back and sits down. Almost immediately a woman holding a baby sits down next to her. NIKOS' MOTHER Oh, hello! I haven't seen you before. What a beautiful little girl! Are you new around here? XENA (brisk) Just staying the night. I'm waiting for some friends. NIKOS' MOTHER Well, you picked a good night to do it. This is mothers' night. We all come here for the evening once a week and gossip and sit by the pool. It's really great. XENA (unenthusiastic) How nice. NIKOS' MOTHER (nods at Eve) Is that your first? I know how it is. You want to spend all your time alone XENA (rather firmly) Yes. NIKOS' MOTHER (without pausing) with her. But really, it's so much fun to be out with other women, doing fun girl stuff. Ooh, what a precious. She is SUCH a darling. (to Eve) Coochie coochie coo. XENA (obliged to say it) Yours is cute too. NIKOS' MOTHER Oh, yes. This is Nikos! She holds NIKOS up, almost in Xena's face. NIKOS' MOTHER (CONT'D) Say hello to the nice lady, Nikos. Nikos burps. NIKOS' MOTHER (CONT'D) Isn't he just a darling? XENA Precious. NIKOS' MOTHER Isn't he though? He's just the apple of his daddy's eye, isn't he? She puts him on her shoulder and pats him, whereupon he burps some more. NIKOS' MOTHER (CONT'D) I bet your husband is so proud of that little darling too. Coochie coochie. XENA I don't have a husband. NIKOS' MOTHER (pulls back a little; somewhat cooler) Oh? XENA He's... not around any more. NIKOS' MOTHER (instantly sympathetic) Oh dear. What a shame, I'm so sorry. You mean he's (conspiratorial whisper) on the other side? XENA Yeah. You could say that. EXT. END OF WATERFRONT -- NIGHT It is considerably later, and fully dark. Although there are still quite a few people in the street, there are only a few buildings here just before the wharves and harbor begin. Gabrielle is working through the last of them but no longer with any efficiency or even energy. She looks in the doorways, moves to the next building, dismisses that one, drags herself across the street to the last TAVERN on the waterfront, looks inside--and sags. GABRIELLE (rolls eyes) It would be the last one, wouldn't it? She enters the TAVERN. INT. TAVERN -- CONTINUOUS A fairly generic single-room waterfront tavern, with an assorted populace of the same kind of odd, scruffy people we have seen outside, making the same kind of racket. Some people are sitting at tables, some are standing around talking, some are standing at the actual bar itself. Among the latter we see JOXER and IOLAUS. Gabrielle pushes her way across the room to them. GABRIELLE There you are. They both turn around at the sound of her voice. Iolaus looks pleased and surprised. Joxer, on the other hand, makes a great show of turning his back to her. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) I've been looking all over for y-- Oh, Iolaus. Hi! IOLAUS Hi! Great to see you! GABRIELLE Oh, it's good to see you too. JOXER (theatrically sulking) I'm not talking to you. IOLAUS So, how've you been? GABRIELLE Oh, fine, fine. What's up? IOLAUS Oh, Furies are after me and Herc because of that Zeus thing. The usual. JOXER I wouldn't talk to you if you begged me. GABRIELLE Gods, I know how that is. Can't even stand still for like a day, it seems lately. IOLAUS Yeah, it's a lot of stress. We're thinking of going to Eire for a while and kick back. GABRIELLE Sounds like a good idea. JOXER Not if you begged me on your knees. On your knees and wearing nothing but a, a begging thing. (considers) And some goat cheese. GABRIELLE Oh, Joxer, stop sulking and come on. We have to go back to the inn. IOLAUS (to Jox) Ooh. She gives orders. JOXER Tell me about it. IOLAUS It's kind of cute. GABRIELLE Joxer...NOW. JOXER (to Iolaus; indicates the bruise on his jaw) Did I show you this? She gave this to me. IOLAUS Tsk tsk. GABRIELLE Oh, for pity's sake. She shoves herself onto a barstool next to Joxer and slaps her hand, the one wearing the RING, on the countertop for emphasis. JOXER So help me, I'm not going to-- (catches sight of the ring) Oooh. IOLAUS What? JOXER (takes Gabrielle's hand and looks closer at the ring) Pretty. IOLAUS (impressed) Some rock. Gabrielle pulls her hand away. JOXER (still staring, fascinated) Shiny. IOLAUS (to Jox) Yours? Looks like one of Aphrodite's-- GABRIELLE (loudly) Iolaus, didn't you say you had somewhere to go? IOLAUS No. GABRIELLE Eire or something? IOLAUS Not right this minute. GABRIELLE Or someone to meet? What about Autolycus? Iolaus jumps. IOLAUS What about him? GABRIELLE I saw him earlier. He said he was looking for you. IOLAUS Oh. He was? (a beat) Did he say where he was going? GABRIELLE No. He was just wandering around the street (waves vaguely) up there. JOXER (following the motion of the ring) Ooh. IOLAUS I'd...better go find him. He slides off the barstool. IOLAUS (CONT'D) Uh...no reason. He shrugs, elaborately indifferent, before leaving. Joxer, too fascinated by the ring to notice, grabs for Gab's hand again, but she's too quick for him. GABRIELLE Stop that. We have to go. JOXER (remembering all of a sudden) I'm not talking to you. He folds his arms on the bar and assumes a wounded air. GABRIELLE You are talking to me. JOXER I'm talking to you, but I'm not TALKING to you. GABRIELLE No, I mean we have something important to discuss, and we are going back to the inn, and we are going to discuss it, NOW. JOXER I can't hear you. GABRIELLE Oh, for... JOXER It's too noisy in here and I can't hear you. The volume of their conversation starts to increase noticeably. GABRIELLE You are impossible, you know that? You are absolutely impossible. JOXER I'm impossible? I'm not the one who goes around hitting people after they save people's lives after they almost drown to death, practically. GABRIELLE I'm not the one who goes around copping feels on the dock afterwards, either. JOXER Copping f-- You were the one who... GABRIELLE (quickly) I did NOT. Whatever it was you were going to say, I did NOT do it, and I don't CARE whether you thought I did. JOXER I'm not going anywhere with you and that's final. GABRIELLE (loud) Joxer. Off the chair, outside, NOW. JOXER (loud) Don't give me orders. GABRIELLE (very loud) I'll give all the orders I want. JOXER (very loud) You're not my mother. GABRIELLE (extremely loud, just as everyone else in the tavern falls silent) I'm your WIFE. There is a beat, during which Gabrielle slowly realizes everyone is staring at her. Joxer blinks. She turns back to him, chastened, and speaks in a normal tone. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) Something happened with one of Aphrodite's spells during that fight on the dock, and we accidentally wound up married. JOXER (shell-shocked) Married. GABRIELLE I can not BELIEVE my life lately. Joxer's expression softens. If he were not Joxer we might almost think it thoughtful. Gabrielle doesn't notice this. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) Everything SUCKS. Dying and coming back and angels and miracle babies and dead gods and twilights and... Joxer's expression is now definitely in the "sappy" range. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) and now THIS. What a stupid MESS. The expression disappears. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) I mean, this is the WORST of all. I mean, it can't GET any worse. He turns to look at her. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) So I want you to come with me so we can go back to the inn and figure out how to get out of it, because it's the biggest, stupidest mess I've ever seen in my entire life. Joxer stands up, still looking at her, and for some reason she flinches. He repeats himself, but very quietly this time. JOXER I'm not going anywhere with you. He turns around and walks away, leaving her sitting on the barstool. FADE OUT
ACT TWO FADE IN: EXT. INN POOL -- NIGHT The pool area is lit with torches, and the women, babies, and small children who were earlier inside are now out here. The women are sitting in deck chairs in small groups. Some small children run across the scene, shrieking loudly, as Xena and Nikos' mother place Nikos and Eve into a playpen. The camera follows them as they go sit down nearby, the playpen winding up just off-screen. NIKOS' MOTHER See? Isn't this fun? XENA (unwillingly) Yeah. Kinda. It's a change in the routine, anyway. NIKOS' MOTHER Oh, I know. All day in the house, watching children, baking bread, dusting...it takes a lot out of you. XENA Uh-huh. NIKOS' MOTHER But it's all worth it in the end, isn't it? She gazes fondly o.s. at Nikos. NIKOS' MOTHER (CONT'D) I can't get over Eve. Such a little angel. I just love babies. Don't you just love babies? Xena looks o.s. at Nikos and Eve as well, and her expression softens. XENA (goofy grin) Yeah. Too late she realizes she's smiling and stops abruptly, glancing around quickly to see if anyone noticed. Nikos' mother has not. NIKOS' MOTHER They're so wonderful. And so sweet, and so adorable, and their little round faces, sometimes I could swear they're positively glowing... (voice trails off) Uh... is she supposed to be glowing like that? XENA Yeah. Pay it no mind. NIKOS' MOTHER Oh. XENA There's nothing wrong with her, if that's what you mean. NIKOS' MOTHER Oh, no, no, it's just that... (pause) When I said she was a little angel, I just didn't think I meant it quite so literally. INT. ANOTHER TAVERN -- LATER Another one of the sleazy waterfront taverns, another group of sleazy waterfront people, another bar. Joxer is leaning on the bar, nursing a drink. Iolaus is on one side of him, and Autolycus the other. They look cheerful. Joxer's expression, on the other hand, is reminiscent of nothing so much as one of Xena's. IOLAUS Women. AUTOLYCUS Yeah. Women. IOLAUS What are you going to do? AUTOLYCUS Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. IOLAUS Plenty of other fish in the sea. AUTOLYCUS Someone for everyone. IOLAUS Everything happens for the best. AUTOLYCUS When the gods close a door, they open a window. JOXER Go away. IOLAUS (to Autolycus) Yeah, and you crawl right through it. AUTOLYCUS Well, at least I have a profession. IOLAUS You know what we ought to do? Let's all go out and do some guy stuff. AUTOLYCUS Like what? IOLAUS We could go out drinking. AUTOLYCUS We are drinking. IOLAUS Oh. Yeah. AUTOLYCUS Here we are, doing fun guy stuff, together. JOXER Go away. IOLAUS Who needs women, anyhow? AUTOLYCUS Women. IOLAUS Yeah. Women. AUTOLYCUS What are you gonna do? IOLAUS Can't live with 'em, can't live without them. JOXER (studies his drink) You know what they should do? They should make up little flasks with drinks in them, and tie them together in a bunch, like six or something all together, so that you could take them away some place and drink them, and NOT have anyone bothering you. AUTOLYCUS Like women. He and Iolaus nod sagely. JOXER (slumps; resigned) Go away. Auto and Iolaus make themselves comfortable. ANGLE ON DOORWAY An extremely tired and bedraggled Gabrielle appears in the doorway. She stares into the room, then throws her hands in the air and addresses the ceiling. GABRIELLE It's the last one AGAIN. She heads across the room towards the guys. ANGLE ON BAR They see her coming. Joxer turns away as before, except this time nervously. Auto and Iolaus watch her approach with mild interest. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) Hi, guys. Joxer-- She reaches for his shoulder but he flinches away. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) Joxer, come on. We have to talk. IOLAUS Uh-oh. "We have to talk." AUTOLYCUS Not a good sign. IOLAUS Yeah. You never want to hear "We have to talk." GABRIELLE (to Iolaus) Don't you have some place to go? IOLAUS No. AUTOLYCUS Not at all. GABRIELLE What are you two doing here anyway? They look nervous all of a sudden. IOLAUS Um...nothing. AUTOLYCUS Yeah. Nothing. IOLAUS Total coincidence we're here together. AUTOLYCUS But we're not here, together, of course. IOLAUS No, not at all. Joxer still isn't paying any attention to the conversation, but Gab starts to frown, as if she's beginning to suspect something. AUTOLYCUS Well. Well, we really should be going. IOLAUS Separately. Not together. AUTOLYCUS Yes. Certainly. IOLAUS (backing away) See you later. AUTOLYCUS (backing away as well) Night. (to Joxer) Hope the woman thing clears up. Gabrielle gives him a look, and he scuttles off with Iolaus. Both she and Joxer watch them go for a moment. Gab then turns to him, and he twists his head aside and looks away. GABRIELLE Joxer... She moves around to face him. He twists his head to the other side petulantly, and she moves again. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) Joxer... He moves a third time. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) (annoyed) Stop it. Stop it, you're making me dizzy. Would you... She grabs his chin to turn his head to face her, sees the bruise, and stops in mid-sentence. She bites her lip, then fishes out a handkerchief from somewhere (a good trick, considering that outfit of hers isn't larger than one to any appreciable degree) and dabs at it, clucking. They fuss for a minute before she lets him go. Then she sighs, and sits down. They both lean back against the bar, staring at the floor instead of each other. JOXER (bitterly) "Big mess". GABRIELLE I didn't mean it like that. JOXER Yes you did. GABRIELLE Well...well, what would you call it? He doesn't answer. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) I mean, it's a totally impossible situation. (makes a face) He flinches and turns away. JOXER It's just that-- GABRIELLE Joxer... JOXER (turns to face her, suddenly upset) Gabrielle, why do you have to keep calling it a mess and why do you have to make a face like that-- She realizes she is making the face and stops quickly. JOXER (CONT'D) I mean, I know I'm not...I don't mind the little things, like the kissing and the punching and stuff like that, but this--You come in here and you tell me something, something I want more than anything else in the world, something I can't even think about half the time because it hurts too much, and you know that. You know all of that, and yet you come in here and first of all, you tell me, and then you say how it's a "mess" to you and "impossible" and the faces and everything. And, and... He runs out of steam all at once and slumps. GABRIELLE (sighs) I'm sorry. JOXER (mumbling) S'okay. GABRIELLE No, you're right. I guess I wasn't very tactful about it. JOXER You didn't even need to say anything, you know. I mean, if it was such a mess and everything. GABRIELLE No. Aphrodite said if you didn't know about the spell, you might get into trouble. I wouldn't want that. JOXER (perking a little) Really? GABRIELLE Of course not. Don't be silly. You really think I would want you to get beaten up by Furies or something? JOXER I don't know. You kind of confuse me sometimes. I'm not sure what you want. GABRIELLE (fingers the ring absently) Yeah. That's what Aphrodite said, too. She looks at her hand. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) She said until I make up my mind about... some stuff, she can't lift the spell. And until then (sighs) we have to be married. Joxer looks much more perky at this. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) (not bothering to look at him) Joxer, don't even think about it. He deflates. There is a moment's silence, during which they both appear lost in their own thoughts. JOXER (sighs) Well, I bet Xena will figure something out real soon. Gabrielle says nothing. JOXER (CONT'D) Cause she's always good at figuring things like this out, and I bet she's like got an idea already. Gabrielle says nothing. Joxer glances at her. JOXER (CONT'D) Cause like when you told her I bet she thought of something right away Gabrielle says nothing. JOXER (CONT'D) (louder) when you told her. Gabrielle says nothing. JOXER (CONT'D) When you-- GABRIELLE I'm not STUPID. JOXER Oh, my god. GABRIELLE She's all grouchy anyway because I made her stay here tonight while I tried to get everything straightened out with Aphrodite. JOXER Oh, my god. GABRIELLE Don't look at me like that. I'll tell her...when the time is right, is all. JOXER Oh, my GOD. GABRIELLE Actually, we probably should tell her together. That "married" rule again. JOXER What "we"? She's not going to take a chakram and cut off your-- Iolaus and Autolycus reappear. They look frazzled. IOLAUS Xena's coming. AUTOLYCUS She's in a mood. IOLAUS You didn't see us. AUTOLYCUS You didn't. (pause) No reason. They leave again, very fast. Gab and Jox barely have time to regroup before Xena comes up to them, carrying Eve and looking as cranky as hell. XENA There you are. GABRIELLE Um. JOXER Um. XENA What in Zeus' ex-name are you doing in here? I thought you were coming right back. GABRIELLE Uh...nothing. JOXER Nothing. They fidget. Xena doesn't notice. XENA I've been stuck for the past three hours in housewife hell, and you're hanging around doing "nothing". Both of you. Outside. NOW. They look at each other. XENA (CONT'D) (coldly) Is there anything I should know? GABRIELLE (fast) No. JOXER (faster) No. XENA Then is there any reason we are not moving? GABRIELLE No. JOXER No reason. It is obvious this is not going to be a good time for long explanations. They look at each other once more then, defeated, scurry o.s. towards the door. Xena glares after them for a minute. XENA (to Eve) Never any Furies around when you need them. She follows them o.s. as we FADE OUT:
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