DOGS IN CLOVER
"After the Deluge"
Show #1
TEASER
FADE IN:
EXT. DOCK -- DAY
It is directly after the fadeout of "Married With Fishsticks".
GABRIELLE, still wet from her dunking, is sitting on a piling
at the edge of the dock. She wrings out her hair, her clothes,
her hair again. She is not happy. XENA stands next to her,
holding EVE.
XENA
How do you feel?
GABRIELLE
Wet.
She takes off one boot and upends it. A considerable amount
of water falls out of it. It splashes on Xena, who steps
back.
XENA
Well, you needed a bath anyway.
GABRIELLE
Don't start with me.
Xena jiggles Eve and coos to her.
XENA
Ooh. Auntie Gabrielle is all cranky.
She turns and starts walking away. Gabrielle jumps up and
follows.
XENA (CONT'D)
(still to Eve)
Did nasty cranky Auntie get poor
little Evie all wet?
GABRIELLE
It's usually poor little Evie who
gets Auntie all wet.
XENA
(to Eve)
Yes, Auntie is definitely cranky.
GABRIELLE
Indulge me, all right? I'm the one
who just almost drowned.
She starts counting off points on her fingers.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
I'm the one who just got knocked in
the head. I'm the one who just almost
got killed by the two most worthless
goddesses on the face of the planet.
I'm the one who just had the weirdest,
if not the sickest, dream you could
ever--
She trails off, staring at the hand she was just gesturing
with.
CLOSE UP:
on Gabrielle's hand. We see that she is wearing a RING. It
looks familiar. It is, in fact, the same ring that Hagar
gave her in "Fishsticks".
XENA
Oh? What was it about?
Gabrielle hides her hand behind her back, very quickly.
GABRIELLE
Nothing. Nothing at all.
FADE OUT:
ACT ONE
EXT. WATERFRONT -- DAY
Xena and Gabrielle are making their way through the crowds
along the waterfront. Xena is walking well out in front,
holding Eve. Gabrielle is trailing along in the rear, fussing
with the ring, trying to take it off. It's stuck.
XENA
Not that I really care, but what in
the world were those two doing here
anyway? Don't they have to go twilight
or something?
GABRIELLE
Some stupid argument about some stupid
pirate that Aphrodite zapped with
some stupid--
(pulls on ring)
--love spell or something.
The crowd parts, and Xena stops dead in her tracks. So, after
a moment, does Gabrielle. They find themselves standing face
to face with a huge, scarred, dangerous-looking PIRATE. He
is scowling ferociously, and carrying a bouquet of FLOWERS.
PIRATE
(big silly grin)
Oh! What a cute baby!
He makes cooing noises at Eve.
PIRATE (CONT'D)
What a nice day! Isn't it a nice
day? Here, have a flower.
He gives a flower to Xena and walks off, sniffing the bouquet.
Xena and Gab stare after him, bemused.
XENA
Maybe that was him.
GABRIELLE
Maybe.
They continue walking.
XENA
I'll be glad when we get back out of
town. It's always safest to be as
far away from Aphrodite as possible.
GABRIELLE
(back to hauling on
the ring)
Tell me about it.
XENA
I've never seen anybody spend more
time interfering with people's lives.
GABRIELLE
She seems to think it's awfully funny.
XENA
I think she means well. She just
doesn't have the brainpower to
understand.
GABRIELLE
I think you're being too nice to
her.
The ring still won't budge.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
I think she does this kind of thing
on purpose.
XENA
Well, it is her job. Technically.
GABRIELLE
I think she enjoys it way too much.
What do we need with a Goddess of
Bimbo, anyway?
XENA
Now, now. Be nice.
The ring is stuck good. Gabrielle is getting really pissed.
GABRIELLE
I'll be nice when The Olympic
Flotation Device deserves it. Not
before. Her and her stupid jokes--
(catches herself)
Look, you go on ahead, okay? I'm
going to stop and... buy a towel.
XENA
Well, if you really think--
She looks back over her shoulder, but Gab has already taken
off. Xena is left standing there in the street, among the
crowds and near a pile of waterfront debris...old boards and
BARRELS. After a moment, she turns back around and starts to
leave.
BARREL
Is she gone?
She stops and looks back over her shoulder again, this time
at the barrel.
XENA
Yeah, she's gone.
BARREL
(suspiciously)
Are you sure?
Xena glares at the barrel. After a second JOXER peers up
cautiously from behind it, looking to make sure Gabrielle is
no longer around before he finally stands up. He looks rather
more ragged than usual. He has various bits of barrel debris
stuck to him, his hair is still wet, and he is showing the
beginnings of a spectacular bruise along his jaw, which he
rubs absentmindedly before he speaks again.
JOXER
Man. What is she all mad at anyway?
XENA
That you're following us?
JOXER
I'm just trying to stay out of hitting
range, is all.
XENA
That you attacked her?
JOXER
(outraged)
I never.
XENA
That's what these women who were
standing there told me. Said they
were from some ezine, whatever the
hell that is.
JOXER
I did NOT attack her. I only saved
her life, is all. I ought to get a
little credit.
(looks around again)
You said she's gone, right?
XENA
(amused)
You know, you really ought to make
up your mind.
JOXER
Me make up my mind. It's not me.
It's her. She's the one with the
come here and the go away and the
kissing and the hitting and the...
(looks around, nervous)
You're sure she's gone?
XENA
Gabrielle's just confused.
JOXER
She's a crazy woman.
XENA
Joxer, give her some space. She's
under a lot of pressure.
JOXER
She's under pressure. What about me?
I'm in love with a crazy woman. Who
hits.
(looks around)
Are you sure she's gone?
XENA
For now.
(mean)
She may be coming back, though.
JOXER
Yeah. Well, let her. She's the one
who's wrong this time. Not me.
(looks around, very
nervous)
Is she still mad?
XENA
Oh, yeah.
JOXER
I'm going for...a walk. I'll catch
up with you guys later.
He walks off in the opposite direction from the one Gabrielle
left in with studied casualness, then after a few steps breaks
into a trot which becomes an out-and-out panicked run until
he is out of sight.
XENA
(to Eve)
Poor little Evie. Aside from Mommy,
your whole family's--
(fishes for word)
EVE
(gurgles)
XENA
Yeah.
She shakes her head and walks off.
EXT. ALLEY -- LATER
Gabrielle ducks into an alley, looking around to make sure
no one can see her.
GABRIELLE
(hisses)
Aphrodite!
She walks further into the alley.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
(louder)
Aphrodite!
APHRODITE silently materializes behind Gabrielle and watches
her for a moment.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
Okay! Joke's over! Aphrodite!
APHRODITE
Don't shout. I heard you the first
time.
Gabrielle whirls around. Aphrodite is standing behind her
wearing her very annoying, characteristic messing-with-the-
mortals smirk.
APHRODITE (CONT'D)
You look a little damp, girlfriend.
GABRIELLE
No thanks to you.
APHRODITE
"Oh, yes, hello, Aphrodite. It's
nice to see you." "Well, it's nice
to see you too"...
GABRIELLE
Stop it.
She holds her hand up so that Aphrodite can see the ring.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
What do I have to do to get you to
get rid of this?
APHRODITE
Ooh. Nice rock. Where'd you get it?
GABRIELLE
You know perfectly well where I got
it.
APHRODITE
Heck, no. If I had one that cool I
would have kept if for myself.
GABRIELLE
You caused this. You caused the whole
thing, the ring, the dream, Hagar...
APHRODITE
Don't blame me for your sick
fantasies. Whatever goes on in your
head is your own idea. And who's
Hagar, anyway?
GABRIELLE
Don't play dumb with me. You did the
whole thing. You knocked me into the
water, you gave me that dream with
that merman in it, you had him give
me this ring, and you kept the ring
on my finger when I woke up just to
drive me crazy. Now I want...the
ring...off.
Aphrodite looks more closely at the ring.
APHRODITE
You're right. That's one of my wedding
rings. Must have been all my extra-
special zaps flying around created
it.
GABRIELLE
Engagement ring. I never actually
got...
APHRODITE
Wedding ring. I ought to know.
So...who's the lucky guy?
GABRIELLE
Hagar. That guy in my dream. Who
doesn't exist, so I'm not married,
okay?
APHRODITE
Ooh. Isn't that sweet. You got married
to a figment of your imagination.
Nice one.
GABRIELLE
Okay. Yeah. Very funny. Take the
spell off, okay?
APHRODITE
No no no. Tell me all about this guy
first. Maybe I can find one like him
for you.
GABRIELLE
I don't want...
APHRODITE
What was he like? I bet he was a
nerdy type. You go for those.
GABRIELLE
I'm not going to go into it.
APHRODITE
Come on, you're a writer. I bet you
have a great imagination. Tell all.
GABRIELLE
Can we get back to the subject?
APHRODITE
Was he cute?
GABRIELLE
No, he wasn't cute. As a matter of
fact, he looked exactly like Joxer.
APHRODITE
(face falls)
Oh.
There is a pause. It gets long.
GABRIELLE
"Oh"?
APHRODITE
Oh.
There is another one.
GABRIELLE
(just about out of
patience)
What do you mean, "oh"?
APHRODITE
I mean if it was someone you totally
made up, okay, it wouldn't count,
but it's someone you know, so you're
married now.
GABRIELLE
I'm married to Hagar?
APHRODITE
No, you're married to Joxer.
Congratulations
(dubious)
I guess.
GABRIELLE
(having a really bad
day)
First of all, I am not married to,
to...
She can't bring herself to say it.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
Second of all, it's your stupid spell,
so take it off.
APHRODITE
My stupid spell? Hey, it might be
my magic but it's your sick fantasy.
GABRIELLE
It is NOT my fantasy, and can you
please do something useful for once
in your existence and get rid of
it?!
Aphrodite seems not to be doing anything at all. It takes
Gab rather a long time to catch on.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
(somewhat more subdued)
Uh...please?
APHRODITE
Oh, so now you want a favor.
GABRIELLE
Uh...yeah...
APHRODITE
From the Goddess of Bimbo.
GABRIELLE
Yes, I mean NO.
APHRODITE
As if. You think I don't hear
anything? I am all-powerful, y'know.
GABRIELLE
(much much more nicely)
Oh, come on. I'm sorry about what I
said, I didn't mean it, really, I...
APHRODITE
Tell you what. I'll think about it,
okay? No, on second thought...
Her outline starts to shimmer.
APHRODITE (CONT'D)
...I won't.
She vanishes.
APHRODITE (CONT'D)
(v.o.)
See ya!
GABRIELLE
(way too late)
No! Wait! Stop!
(realizing it)
Shit!
FADE OUT
ACT TWO
INT. INN ROOM -- LATER
This is a standard issue inn room. It has two beds, a
fireplace, a small writing-table with a red-figure EWER on
it, and a cheap-looking landscape painting hanging on the
wall. The door opens. Gabrielle enters, carrying their PACKS.
Xena follows with Eve, unenthusiastically.
XENA
Are you sure this is a good idea?
GABRIELLE
Oh, yes. I thought it would be nice
to stay inside for a change. Don't
you?
XENA
You always say it's safer to camp
outside of town. Why the change of
heart?
GABRIELLE
(tries to shrug, but
packs weigh too much)
No reason. I just thought it would
be...um, a nice change, y'know?
Xena sits down on the bed nearest to the door, while Gab is
still schlepping her burden slowly across the room.
XENA
Is this the same place Joxer is
staying?
The packs go crashing to the ground. Gabrielle looks
flustered, maybe because of dropping them, maybe because of
something else.
GABRIELLE
I, I, have no idea.
She starts picking up the spilled contents of the packs and
piling them on the other bed.
XENA
The other thing is if we stay in
town we might run into Aphrodite
again. And I've had more than enough
of that silly bitch for one day,
thank you.
GABRIELLE
Oh...I don't think she's all that
bad.
XENA
No, you were right all along. That
woman's bad news. Like you always
say--Goddess of Bimbo.
GABRIELLE
That's just like a nickname. You
know--an affectionate nickname.
XENA
What's that other thing you call
her? The Olympic Flotation Device?
GABRIELLE
No, no, I never...
XENA
Mounts Olympus?
GABRIELLE
No, no, no, that must have
been...somebody else I was talking
about. Aphrodite is wonderful. Yes,
(rather louder, as if
speaking for someone
to overhear)
she's a really, really wonderful
person. Goddess. Whatever. I've always
thought so
(louder still)
Really.
XENA
Nah. You hate her.
GABRIELLE
I like her. I've always liked her.
Xena gives her a look.
XENA
You know, you have a hell of a hard
time making up your mind.
GABRIELLE
I do not.
XENA
You don't want to stay at an inn,
you want to stay at an inn. You don't
want a horse, you want a horse. You
hate Aphrodite, you love Aphrodite.
You hate J--
GABRIELLE
(very quickly)
I...I think I'll go for a nice walk.
I'd like a walk.
XENA
We walked two miles to get here. You
were complaining about how tired you
were the whole way.
GABRIELLE
(brightly)
Well, the only way to get over that
is...is to walk it off.
She straightens up and heads for the door. She doesn't quite
look Xena in the eye at any point, though Xena continues to
watch her the whole time.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
I'll be back in a little while. See
ya.
She leaves, smiling a lot. Xena stares at the closed door
dubiously.
EXT. WATERFRONT -- DAY
Gabrielle is threading her way through the crowds, ducking
around people, standing on her toes to look over their heads.
She appears to be looking for somebody.
GABRIELLE
(sotto voce)
Psst! Hello?
People stare at her disapprovingly as she passes them, trying
to speak loudly enough to be heard and softly enough not to
attract attention from the crowd. It isn't working.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
Hey! It's me! Listen, I'm sorry!
The crowd gets thick and she has to push her way between
people.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
(normal voice)
Oh. I'm sorry. Excuse me. Pardon
me. My fault.
(under her breath
again)
I'm really, really sorry! Hello!
Aphrodite!
The crowd thins out, and she comes to a halt, looking around
and almost quivering with frustration. Coming to some kind
of decision, she abruptly turns to head in a new
direction...and literally bumps into the pirate.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't mean...
PIRATE
No, no, my fault.
He sets her back on her feet and brushes her off.
PIRATE (CONT'D)
I hope I didn't ruin your day. It's
such a nice day. What a pretty ring!
Too late, Gabrielle hides her hand behind her back.
GABRIELLE
Oh...this old thing. It's nothing,
really.
The pirate takes her arm and gently brings her hand back out
into the open.
PIRATE
It's one of Aphrodite's rings. I
have one too. See?
He holds out his hand, and sure enough, he is wearing the
same kind of ring.
PIRATE (CONT'D)
That's wonderful! Congratulations!
GABRIELLE
Uh...it's not really a wedding ring,
I mean...
(flustered)
It's, um, we're not really married
yet. It's more like an engagement
ring.
She visibly makes a why-the-hell-did-I-say-that? face.
PIRATE
Well, congratulations in advance
then.
He pats her hand in a fatherly way, which would probably be
affecting and sweet if he was not so very large and dirty.
PIRATE (CONT'D)
I've never been as happy as I am
now, and everything I had to give
up...the freedom, the mobility, the
looting and pillaging...it's nothing
compared to what I have with my wife.
I hope you and your husband will be
just as happy as we are.
GABRIELLE
(taken aback)
...Thank you.
The pirate goes off, waving good-bye, leaving Gabrielle alone
on what, we realize, is the same dock she was on earlier in
the day.
EXT. DOCK -- CONTINUOUS
She looks around, starts to go in one direction, changes her
mind, changes her mind again -- and all at once gives up.
She sits down heavily on the same piling she was sitting on
earlier in the day and SIGHS.
After a moment or two Aphrodite materializes.
APHRODITE
Aww. Cheer up, honey.
GABRIELLE
(defeated)
Look, I'm sorry. Okay? I'm totally
sorry. I give up. Just...take the
spell off, please?
Aphrodite materializes a pink satin HASSOCK next to Gab's
piling, and sits down herself. She fiddles nervously.
APHRODITE
I'm sorry. I mean, I'm really, really
sorry...but I can't.
GABRIELLE
You mean won't.
APHRODITE
No, I mean can't. See, it was my
magic but it was your mind that shaped
it into the spell.
She nods at the ring.
APHRODITE (CONT'D)
Like my nice pirate boy? I put a
spell on him to make him calm down
and stop doing icky pirate things,
but if he hadn't truly wanted to
settle down with his girlfriend the
ring never would have stuck.
Gabrielle looks up, alarmed.
GABRIELLE
(incredulous)
What are you trying to tell me, that
I really want...
APHRODITE
I think you don't know what you really
want. If you did, I'd be able to
break the spell. But until then
(indicating the ring)
you're going to have to live with
it.
Gabrielle SIGHS again, and slumps even more.
APHRODITE (CONT'D)
Aw, come on. It's not so bad. Being
married. I mean, you're married in
my name, not anyone boring like Hera
or something. You don't have to run
around having kids and baking bread.
You don't even have to, like...you
know. Or anything.
(pause)
Of course, it'd be more fun that
way.
GABRIELLE
Hey!
APHRODITE
All right, all right, all right.
Just trying to help.
She stands up.
APHRODITE (CONT'D)
You may want to tell him, you know.
Gabrielle GROANS, and hides her face in her hands.
APHRODITE (CONT'D)
It's only fair. I mean, he really
oughta know, if for no other reason
than he might go off and get married
to somebody else, and then he'd be
married twice and I'd have to send
the Furies after him or something,
and...
Gabrielle GROANS louder.
APHRODITE (CONT'D)
(pause)
Look. You're going to have to find
out what you really want, and when
you do, you'll know it. And when
that happens, you call me, and I'll
set everything straight. Okay?
Gabrielle looks at her, and after a moment, nods.
APHRODITE (CONT'D)
'Kay, then.
The hassock dissolves.
APHRODITE (CONT'D)
Ciao.
She shimmers and is gone.
Gabrielle sits on the piling for another few moments. She
frowns, as if thinking of something, then tugs on the ring.
It doesn't budge. She scrunches up her face, thinking really
hard for a moment, then looks at her hand again--but the
ring is still there. She closes her eyes and thinks really
hard one more time. It may look as if she's about to have an
aneurysm. After a moment she opens her eyes, looks at her
hand expectantly--and is crushed to see the ring is still
there. She sighs heavily, then gets up and starts trudging
back up the dock.
INT. INN ROOM -- LATER
Xena is sitting with Eve in front of the writing-table,
studying the scene on the side of the ewer. After a few
moments, she reaches out and turns the ewer so she sees a
different scene on another side. There is a beat, and she
does it again.
XENA
(to Eve)
There's nothing on.
She reaches for the ewer to turn it again, and the door opens
and Gabrielle enters.
XENA (CONT'D)
Did you have a nice walk?
GABRIELLE
Walk?
XENA
The walk you went for?
GABRIELLE
What?...Oh. That walk.
She crosses the room and sits on her bed.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
Yeah. It was a nice walk.
Xena is staring.
GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
Walk.
XENA
I'm really starting to worry about
you. You're acting more and more
like Joxer every day.
Gabrielle blanches.
GABRIELLE
Is he here?
XENA
No, he took off. You spooked him
pretty good. I think he's still
running.
GABRIELLE
(face falls)
Oh.
There is a pause. It gets long.
XENA
"Oh"?
GABRIELLE
Oh.
There is another one.
XENA
What do you mean, "oh"?
GABRIELLE
Nothing.
Xena turns away and shakes her head.
XENA
This has been a very odd day.
Gabrielle twists the ring on her finger.
GABRIELLE
(darkly)
You have no idea.
FADE OUT:
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