NARRATOR
From small-town girl to world conqueror, from deadly warrior to loving mom, from alive to dead to back again--and again--and again. This is the story of how one woman's bravery and courage changed the world. Join us now as we go behind the music with Xena, Warrior Princess.
[OPENING CREDITS]
NARRATOR
Welcome to a very special Behind the Music with Xena, Warrior Princess. Missing and presumed dead for the past two or two thousand years, Xena agreed to speak to us in order to set the record straight about her life, her career, and her impact upon the nonhistorical world.
[shot of beachfront area of small village on Naxos]
We caught up with Xena, living a quiet life in semiretirement on Naxos, raising her daughter and making a living as a consultant to some of the brightest up-and-coming warlords of the Mediterranean. Little did she ever dream, as a innkeeper's daughter in Amphipolis, where her life would take her.
XENA
I was a little dubious about this at first, but I decided it was best that the truth got out, because I want to lay all these wild rumors to rest once and for all.
NARRATOR
Xena lived a quiet and pleasant life as a child. Her mother owned an inn that saw some of the best and brightest warlords of the time pass through. Early on little Xena was struck with the notion of fame, dreaming that some day her name would be spoken with the same fear and dread.
XENA
I would play at being a warlord with my brothers and the town children. I would be practicing my swordplay all night, and my mother would yell up at me, "Put those weapons away and go to bed!" But I had a dream.
NARRATOR
Xena's big break would come the day the yogurt curdled and the lunch menu had to be scratched at the last minute. The visiting warlord band, deprived of food, destroyed the inn and murdered several dozen people, including Xena's youngest brother. Within this tragedy lay the seed of her greatness.
XENA
The warlords seemed rather hostile.
NARRATOR
With nothing left to hold her to her homestead, and no yogurt left for lunch, that very day Xena strapped a sword on her back and set out from home, never to return.
XENA
Mother seemed rather hostile.
CYRENE
She doesn't write. I mean, I know she's a big star and everything, but she could write once in a while.
XENA
I suppose she started in with that not-writing thing again when you talked to her?
CYRENE
And I want to see my granddaughter.
XENA
Every time I go there, which is at least once a month no matter what she tells you, she's always telling me how I should raise Eve, or how I should dress, or how I should wear my hair. She drives me up the fucking wall.
CYRENE
I only want what's best for her.
XENA
I love her and everything, but I just can't take her for more than a day or so.
CYRENE
It's not like I ask for anything from her.
[shot of Cyrene's tavern, with large sign over the front door: BIRTHPLACE OF XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS/ COME SEE XENA'S ROOM/ XENA'S DOLLS/ XENA'S FIRST SWORD/ XENA SOUVENIRS/ XENA SCROLLS/ XENABURGERS/ TALK WITH XENA'S VERY OWN MOTHER/ BRING THE WHOLE FAMILY/ ADMISSION 5 DINARS]
NARRATOR
But Xena went out alone in the world, with nothing but a sword and a dream. She was determined to get her foot in the door somehow. Xena's first manager, Centurion Tomparchus.
TOMPARCHUS
I remember it like it was yesterday. This girl comes up to me in front of my whole band, this little girl with these really big...boots. And she says she wants to join my warband, and take it over, and she'd let me stay on as her advisor. I remember how I laughed. It all turned out okay, though. She was a really good warleader, and I figured out how to get by without that arm.
NARRATOR
Xena rose quickly through the competitive ranks of warlorddom, soon catching the eye of the man at the top--the God of War, Ares.
ARES
That's "Ares, God of War," mortal dolt.
NARRATOR
Over the millennia, Ares had seen them come and seen them go, and hadn't been impressed. But for the first time in centuries, Ares had found a warrior with star potential in Xena.
XENA
Ares seemed rather hostile.
ARES
It had been centuries since I'd seen anybody with such a pair of...talents as Xena. I took her under my wing. I taught her all she knows. I made her.
XENA
Well, he tried. Anyway, the horny little bastard did do one thing for me. He gave me the chakram.
ARES
When we're going on about "Xena invented this" and "Xena invented that", just remember--I'm the one who invented the Frisbee. So you tell me who made the most lasting contribution here.
XENA
The chakram seemed rather hostile.
NARRATOR
With Ares' backing Xena seemed destined for the top. But in one small village her life would be changed forever, when she met aspiring bard Gabrielle.
XENA
It changed my life forever.
GABRIELLE
Mine too.
XENA
I'd never had a partner before. I'd always been a solo act, but Gabrielle wouldn't take no for an answer.
GABRIELLE
I knew an opportunity when I saw one.
ARES
Yeah. Gabrielle.
[mimes finger down throat]
NARRATOR
Gabrielle and Xena very quickly developed a very special relationship.
GABRIELLE
Xena and I have a very special relationship.
XENA
We know that there are all kinds of rumors.
GABRIELLE
A very special and private relationship.
XENA
Very special.
GABRIELLE
Very.
NARRATOR
With her new partner, Xena left Ares' tutelage and struck out on her own. The conventional wisdom was that it would prove to be a very bad move.
ARES
With me, she was feared and loathed throughout southern Europe. With her, she became a symbol for tree-huggers and smut writers everywhere. She made the wrong choice, and I'm sure she knows it.
XENA
Ares seemed rather hostile.
NARRATOR
Many of Xena's old fans were unable to accept this change in her. To this day some of her most dangerous enemies trace their entanglement with her back to the start of her partnership with Gabrielle.
CALLISTO
Bitch.
NARRATOR
Aspiring warlord Callisto, known for her style as much as for her numerous psychoses, was the first and the most deadly of Xena's new enemies. In this exclusive interview footage, for the first time Callisto elaborates on her issues with the Warrior Princess.
CALLISTO
Slut.
XENA
Callisto seemed rather hostile.
CALLISTO
Cunt.
XENA
I really don't know what that woman's problem is.
CALLISTO
Skank bitch cocksucking ho.
XENA
I really think she should get some help. I've offered to pay, but she just doesn't want to listen.
CALLISTO
Doody-head.
NARRATOR
Callisto's attempt to break up the fledgling partnership failed, due mostly to her reliance on incompetent second-string help to accomplish a crucial element in the plan--the murder of Gabrielle.
CALLISTO
Dork.
ARES
Dolt.
XENA
Clod.
GABRIELLE
Joxer and I have a very special relationship.
NARRATOR
One of Callisto's utterly forgettable useless hangers-on switched sides at the last minute, throwing in with Xena instead of with the blonde beserker. This had no effect at all on anything.
JOXER
I remember the first time I ever saw Xena. She beat me up and left me for dead. It was so cool.
GABRIELLE
He exaggerates. She didn't try to kill him.
XENA
My mistake.
GABRIELLE
I remember because that was the first time I ever saw Joxer.
XENA
Joxer grows on you.
JOXER
I'd never met anybody like her.
XENA
Like a fungus.
JOXER
The incredible thing about Xena is, she's this really caring person. Like she would all the time go out of her way to beat me up and leave me for dead. Nobody ever paid that much attention to me before.
NARRATOR
But if it would take a while for Xena to fully accept Joxer into her clique, for her partner the decision took no more than a moment.
GABRIELLE
It was like this instant electricity thing, y'know? Sometimes you just meet someone and it's just pow, like that. You just know you were made for each other.
JOXER
I was just like, "That's her. I'm gonna marry that girl, or at least do her until she screams."
GABRIELLE
But we found out it was more than just that because we had so many things in common. Like we both would always get tied up, or hit on the head, or beat on, or kidnapped. Stuff like that. It was like kismet.
JOXER
We were just so right for each other. It was like we were soulmates, although I guess technically we weren't according to some Indian god, but close enough.
GABRIELLE
Also he fucks like a horse.
XENA
I wouldn't say like a horse exactly, I...Ah, I didn't know anything about it at first.
GABRIELLE
We kept it secret at the beginning.
JOXER
Nobody had a clue.
ARES
Zeus almighty, they were going at it like rabbits.
CALLISTO
I was surprised she could fucking walk half the time.
CAESAR
I couldn't leave my goddamn windows open at night because the noise kept me awake all the hell the way from Greece.
XENA
I had no idea.
GABRIELLE
We did have a lot of problems at the beginning, working out our schedules.
JOXER
It was a timing thing.
GABRIELLE
I'd be dead, then Xena'd be dead, then he'd be dead, then I'd be dead...It was really hard to get any time together.
JOXER
We had to like schedule it around funerals finally. And trying to keep away from Xena, well, that was the hardest part. Cause she was in like everything. "What are you guys doing? Do you want to go out for a drink? Do you want to go visit Hercules? Do you want to go take over a country?" I mean, she was in our faces all the time.
XENA
Joxer seemed to have a lot of hostility.
JOXER
I'd get up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water and when I got back the woman would be in my bed. I mean, I love Xena and everything, but it was just time she got her own life. I mean, during the parts she was alive. I was kind of worried how Gabrielle would take it though, because she and Xena have a very special relationship.
GABRIELLE
I was like "Wow, it's about fucking time." So we figured I had to tell her, because Xena and I have a very special relationship.
JOXER
I really wanted to be there with Gabrielle when she was going to talk to Xena, but we were like out of star anise so I had to, y'know, go to Chin and get some. And I needed to get the horse washed and some other stuff. So I couldn't be there. Although I really wanted to be. Really.
ARES
We all had bets in the pool. How many pieces Joxer would wind up in, which pieces would go first, how small certain ones would be chopped...
NARRATOR
Despite Gabrielle's best efforts, the situation got quickly out of hand.
[shot of Xena dragging Gabrielle through the Amazon camp]
GABRIELLE
I thought she took it rather well, considering everything.
XENA
I explained to Gabrielle that I accepted her entirely as she was without reservation and had no qualms just as long as she kept her sick perversions from interfering with business.
GABRIELLE
She still thinks I did that whole Dahok thing on purpose.
XENA
Dahok seemed rather hostile.
GABRIELLE
Xena thought we should go away for a while, and whenever Xena says that it's always a mistake. My mistake was going along with it.
XENA
Gabrielle has this delusion that I cause trouble for her whenever we do a road tour.
GABRIELLE
[counting off on fingers]
Let's see: Delphi: Callisto, Amazon village: Velasca, Britannia: Dahok, Chin: Lao Ma, Rome: Caesar...
NARRATOR
The differences between Xena and Gabrielle quickly came to a head, with the sudden appearance and even more sudden maturity of Gabrielle's daughter Hope.
XENA
Hope seemed rather hostile.
NARRATOR
This would lead to the worst moment of Xena's life--when Gabrielle, in an effort to keep Hope from destroying the world, threw herself and her demon daughter into a fiery bottomless pit.
ARES
I was like, bummer.
XENA
Gabrielle was always prone to theatrics.
ARES
No, really, I was pretty bummed.
CALLISTO
I was dead at the time, I think. Otherwise I would have sent a card or something.
NARRATOR
Believing her soulmate dead, Xena took a vacation to another plane of existence, leaving this sorrowful vale of tears behind her.
XENA
I was not on vacation. I was working, all right?
JOXER
Xena disappeared right after Gab did, and I couldn't believe some of the rumors that were going around. Like that she'd taken the insurance money and gone out on a spree. People are so mean. I couldn't believe it.
XENA
All those rumors were patently untrue. And the money I spent on cow blood and arrowheads and really good drugs, that was necessary for me to go to the other side and look for Gabrielle.
JOXER
I'd really like to know who started that bullshit.
ARES
[shrugs]
Beats me.
JOXER
And I was left to take care of the funerals, and Argo, and everything. I could have used a little help.
XENA
I'll say this again for the last time: I...was...working. Okay?
NARRATOR
Whatever the truth or falsehood of the many rumors at the time, two things are clear. One is that Xena wasn't dead. The other, as it turned out, was that neither was Gabrielle.
JOXER
Not to complain or anything, but I was having a really hard time during that period. People could, y'know, warn a guy.
CALLISTO
The resulting confusion was an inevitable byproduct of the process. By disturbing the barrier between different planes of existence, Xena warped the space-time continuum and disrupted the efficient functioning of cause and effect. The fucking cunt.
JOXER
So they just show up one day, lalala, like nothing ever happened. So okay, everybody's alive again and on the right plane of existence and we can all be happy now, right? Bzzzt, wrong.
NARRATOR
Soon after her return from the land of the not-quite-dead, Gabrielle fell under the influence of Eli, a cult leader known for sleight-of-hand tricks and tiresome lectures. For Gabrielle, who also was fond of lecturing, the attraction was irresistible.
XENA
Eli seemed to have a lot of hostility.
JOXER
So Gabrielle says to me, "I've been dead, I need some space," like being dead was any kind of excuse, and the next thing I know she's taken up with this guy with a beard.
XENA
Also a lot of hair.
JOXER
I was so pissed off at her. I spent like weeks sitting by that damn pit in a draft and bringing her flowers and shit, and she climbs out somewhere else and doesn't even tell me, and then this beard thing. I didn't even talk to her for like a year.
XENA
Joxer seemed to have a lot of hostility.
NARRATOR
Joxer went off to try and put his life back together. Xena and Gabrielle went to India, where they, along with Eli's other disciples--Matthew, Mark, John, Paul, George, and Ringo--studied at his feet for several months.
XENA
I wasn't studying. I was sleeping. Good gods, that man was boring.
ARES
He had a whole new approach to worshipping gods. What he did was act so dull and self-righteous that none of us would listen to him. Finally there was only one god that would bother with him anymore because he was so insignificant no one could even remember his name. I think he was the god of shoelaces, or something. Anyway, everybody just calls him "Eli's god" now, which serves him right.
GABRIELLE
Eli and I had a very special relationship.
NARRATOR
Under the tutelage of Eli, Gabrielle's skill at criticizing grew to genius proportions. She looks back on those days as the height of her creative power.
GABRIELLE
I could just say, "Nice weather today," and Xena would start in with the eye-rolling and the talking to the horse.
XENA
At that point Argo was better company than Gabrielle was.
GABRIELLE
That horse hates me. I don't want to be mean or anything, but really--Argo has been jealous of me since Day One.
NARRATOR
Xena had had enough of Eli and his preaching and his beard. She delivered an ultimatum. She and Argo were going back to Greece, with or without Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
Easy choice.
[shot of Gabrielle kicking off sandals and walking up the steps of temple with Eli]
NARRATOR
After some discussion
[shot of Xena going up steps and into temple. After a moment she comes out dragging Gabrielle by one ear, hustles her down steps and out of frame]
NARRATOR
it was decided that Gabrielle would return with Xena to Greece, and bid farewell to the boring bearded preacher of peace.
So for a time all was well for Xena and her friends. Life was good and the living easy.
[shot of Xena fighting off army]
But there was a cloud on the horizon. The Roman Empire had stretched itself across time and space and impeded upon Xena's happy little world.
XENA
The Roman Empire seemed to have a lot of hostility.
NARRATOR
An old "friend" of Xena's, who was born at least 500 years after she died, came into town bearing a grudge, and an army.
XENA
Caesar seemed to have a lot of hostility.
JOXER
It was the salad dressing thing.
XENA
He had this line of salad dressings he was marketing and when they didn't sell, he got very hostile.
JOXER
Gouda cheese. Can you believe it? I said, "No way. Use Parmesan," but nobody ever listens to me.
NARRATOR
The frustrated entrepreneur turned his ambitions instead to world conquest. And the only thing standing in his way was Xena.
ARES
And the Greeks, and the Gauls, and the Celts, and the Sumerians, and the Huns, and me, but hey! Go ahead. Give all the credit to Xena. I'm so sure she deserves it.
XENA
Not that I want to cast any blame or anything, but it was all Gabrielle's fault. Also Joxer's, because if he'd been hanging around like he should have been the Romans would have gotten annoyed with him and killed him, and it would have been a sign something was wrong. And it was Gabrielle's fault Joxer wasn't around, because not that I want to cast any blame or anything, but she was treating him like ground-in dirt. Also me.
GABRIELLE
Xena and I have a very special relationship, so believe me when I tell you that I love Xena, she is everything to me, and she is full of shit. It was her fault entirely. She has a vision we're going to be crucified on a mountain in Italy, so does she turn around and spend the winter on a beach in Sumeria until the time is past? Noooooooo.
XENA
It was entirely Gabrielle's fault. She was supposed to be reading the map, and anyway it was also Ares' fault, and Callisto's.
CALLISTO
Dyke.
JOXER
Nobody even told me, for pet's sake. You'd think a little thing like, "Oh, we're going to Rome and get killed next month" might be worth bringing up in the conversation some time, but noooo.
XENA
Everyone seemed rather hostile.
NARRATOR
In the end, Xena would bring Caesar down--but in doing so would pay the ultimate price. In the middle of that long, cold winter, she and Gabrielle were crucified, and died.
XENA
I was like, "Oh shit, here we go again."
GABRIELLE
Let me tell you one thing. Being crucified really sucks. I am totally opposed to capital punishment now.
JOXER
"Oh, Joxer, come and meet us in Italy, and make sure you bring a ladder." You'd think they could warn a guy.
NARRATOR
Once again relegated to cleaning-up duty, Joxer retrieved Xena and Gabrielle's bodies from the crosses. In the meantime, Xena and Gabrielle were having their own problems.
GABRIELLE
By this time Xena had pissed so many people off they didn't know what to do with us on the other side.
XENA
Basically nobody wanted to take us.
NARRATOR
Returned to life by default, Xena set out to rebuild her career when something unexpected happened.
XENA
That's one word for it.
NARRATOR
That day was a day Xena would remember always, when she realized she had reached a turning point in her life, when she realized she was--
ARES
Knocked up.
GABRIELLE
I couldn't believe it. Well, I could. What I couldn't believe was how much she used to lecture me about being careful, and there she goes [snaps fingers] like that.
XENA
I had no idea how it happened.
JOXER
Um, I did but I didn't want to explain it to her.
XENA
I didn't mean it like that. I mean I had no idea how I had become impregnated.
CALLISTO
I did.
XENA
All I knew was that there was a god involved. That always makes things complicated.
NARRATOR
Her friends say that at this time Xena seemed somewhat hostile.
JOXER
Wow, was she pissed off.
GABRIELLE
We were scared to even look at her because she'd just jump down our throats.
ARES
That woman is scary sometimes.
CALLISTO
You were scared. I was in her womb, for Zeus' sake.
XENA
I admit I was in a bit of a foul mood at the time. I'd been crippled, crucified, killed, impregnated, and resurrected, and it was only Thursday. So it was a bad week. But when I thought it over I realized I was starting to get a little tired of the rat race. I mean, people change. I wasn't as young as I used to be, I didn't bounce back from fighting or dying like I used to. And now I was going to have a baby to worry about.
GABRIELLE
Xena and Eve have a very special relationship.
XENA
It always complicates things when you have a god's baby. Ask Alcemene.
GABRIELLE
Yeah. You don't even want to know about the terrible twos with a baby Savior.
XENA
I talked it over with Gabrielle, and we decided: we'd have to give up our careers and relocate somewhere, where we could raise the baby and not be hassled by armies and whatnot all the time.
NARRATOR
So at the height of her career, at the pinnacle of her fame and fortune, Xena gave it all up for love.
XENA
I gave it all up because it was a pain in the ass.
NARRATOR
Xena needed a way to disappear.
XENA
The problem was most of the stories we could think of were things like kidnapped by Ares, fell into a bottomless pit, became Queen of Egypt, stuff like that. Too believable.
GABRIELLE
If everyone thought it was just some run-of-the-mill dimensional portal thing, they'd all come trooping after us to find us and bring us back.
XENA
What we needed was a story that was so utterly unbelievable that it had to be true, because there would be no way anyone could make anything like that up.
GABRIELLE
In other words, something really dumb.
XENA
Really, really, dumb.
GABRIELLE
Really, really, really dumb. The dumbest thing anybody could ever come up with, ever.
XENA
So we asked Joxer.
JOXER
I said, "Hey! I know! How about if you get frozen for like twenty-five years and wake up in the future? Then people can't go after you because you're like, y'know, frozen." It was a really great idea, and it was all mine.
GABRIELLE
It was the dumbest thing we'd ever heard.
XENA
It was perfect.
NARRATOR
And so Xena, Warrior Princess, hero of thousands, fighter for the common people, enemy of tyranny...disappeared, leaving behind only the legend, and unanswered questions.
ARES
One of which is: What the fuck does any of this have to do with music?
GABRIELLE
Yeah. You must have totally run out of guitarists on drugs to interview.
JOXER
I can sing. Do you want me to sing? I wrote this really great song. It has a hundred verses except I always forget the forty-first, and it starts out, "One hundred amphorae of wine on the wall..."
[very quick cut]
GABRIELLE
You know, I bet after we went to all this trouble to explain the truth about everything, no one will even listen.
XENA
I'm really not surprised. The producers seemed rather hostile.
[END CREDITS]
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