Anyway, this site is mostly to keep anyone who cares about me up-to-date with what I'm doing. I don't really have many friends, but I know a lot of really nice people, like the girls who were in Calculus with me. All really nice, and they put up with my insanity and behavior. They're good people. Anyway, I always felt more mature than my peers, and mostly bonded with my teachers. (I just wanna say thanks to all the great teachers I've had. Any of them reading this are the best of the best of course.)
I've been kind of a loner for most of my life. I failed Kindergarten for poor motor skills (I couldn't skip, sheesh, you see why Florida is in the bottom four states for education?), and so I learned to read. By the time I started Middle School, I was reading at an adult level and sighing as my peers stumbled over sentences. I do, too, of course. But at least I always knew what the words were and never changed them because I was trying to read too fast. I stayed mostly to myself and developed extremely poor motor skills. By the time puberty really started in, I made a terrible discovery: I was a social leper.
I simply can't handle social situations. I don't know how to act around over people, and though most don't know it, I'm extremely shy. I think I asked two girls out in my entire life, they were both girls I knew well, and I asked when IMing them. Both times I was rejected. I'm not surprised. I'm an ugly person, and not just physically. My realization that I, myself, have destroyed all chances of a happy, social life or of probably ever having a girlfriend or finding love has driven my to a land of self-bitterness that mostly comes through a short temper and sarcastic mocking of everyone, and states of depression. I know what's wrong with me,...and it's ME.
Of course, I have no clue how to solve this. So mostly I pity myself and pine over what I can't have. Which isn't that bad, I guess, since I tend to base my attraction on personality more than looks and I never really get to know anyone. Of course, this further adds to my belief that I will never get a date. Oh well. I don't really go to that many social things, especially parties. I went to one, and TOTALLY made an ass out of myself. Dear God in Heaven, am I ever stupid. Makes me wish I could go back and just mope about the beach. At least then maybe people wouldn't be able to remember me acting like a complete jackass.
I didn't go to Prom. Didn't have to: never got myself a date, and if I didn't have a date, I could suffer less by staying at home. Of course, I seem to recall someone telling me that they'd drag me to Prom, because it was a once-in-the-lifetime opportunity. It's not that I feel it's not, it's just that I never enjoy myself being alone while everyone else isn't. They have dates, or are there with a group of friends. What would I be? Alone, afraid to talk to any of the girls, afraid to dance, and wanting to just die. I am a wallflower, and I admit it. Not that I begrudge them for not dragging me along, since I'm sure they weren't serious and had better things to do with their time, but no one even cared whether I went or not when it came around.
Of course, that's the price of being antisocial: No one cares about you, because you don't care about them. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I don't know how to show it. Hell, I don't know how to do anything social. *sighs* Oh well, my fault, I guess I'll survive. I'm not saying this to get anyone's pity, but to describe myself and my life.
My older brother, my father, my grandfather, and my great-grandfather all joined the Navy and then became electricians. I finally got the Navy Recruiter off my back by telling him how fat I am. Howard Electric has been sold off, though. Unless my great-uncle Gene still owns some of it. I was named after my grandfather, who died before I was born. His EXACT name. I have three half-brothers, and two half-sisters, being the only child of my parent's marriage. They both had previous marriages. My mother brought one of my half-brothers in, my father the rest. The only one not married is my half-brother from my mother's side. I have,...nine nephews and nieces, maybe. I don't think we hit ten,...yet.
So, I'm 18, antisocial, fat, stupid, and I've never been on a date. Don't you all feel lucky with me. Every time I hear someone complain about being dumped, I want to jump down their throats that at least they can get into relationships. Obviously people like them and are attracted to them. Me? I'm just strange.
My Freshman year in High School, rumor was I was going to go on a rampage. Sophmore year, rumor said I committed suicide over Spring Break. I could never do either of those things. I just don't have the stomach for it, or the will to do it. I don't really care what other people think of me. Well, that not true. I don't care about any of their negative thoughts. If they think something positive about me, I care. I want friends, I want a place where I can fit in. I just,...don't have one.
I'm Ralph, and I'm a Loser.
