Pam and Friends... a safe place for all

I never got to meet this lady, but I know people who called her their friend. Some even called her their angel. I would've liked hanging out with Pam, exchanging e-mail, telling her stories about family and work, hearing about hers. We shared a love of animals, too.
But I will never meet Pam, at least not in this lifetime.

My friend Sher is a member of several Yahoo clubs I also belong to, and we tried to schedule chats as well as keep the message boards active. One day in February, 2000, Sher posted the unusual message that a beloved friend of hers was dead.

Pam did not die of breast cancer. She did not forget to buckle her seat belt, get distracted in traffic by her cell phone, have a heart attack, or overdose on drugs. She was not killed by a drunken driver who will be tried for murder. She died after her husband shot her in the back of her head.

Clubs that share our membership began to post facts and opions about domestic abuse. Men and women alike shared their anger and their sorrow over senseless loss of life and liberty.

Cindy, another friend, shared this information, published in the Survival Handbook for Victims of Domestic Violence, prepared by the Victim/Witness Assistance Program in Tallahassee, Florida:

1. Six million American women are beaten each year by their husbands or boyfriends. 4000 of them are killed.

2. In 50% of battered women cases, the children are beaten as well.

3. 95% of all spousal assaults are committed by men.

4. Based on F.B.I. statistics, in the U.S. alone, a wife is beaten every 15 seconds.

5. 50-60% of all couples experience some form of violence ... which is severe enough to cause hospitalization in 10% of couples.

6. Battering is the single major cause of injury to women ... more frequent than auto accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.

7. 50% of all women who are murdered today die at the hands of their husbands or boyfriends.

8. 1 in 4 female suicides were victims of family violence.

9. 90% of prison inmates were abused or witnessed family violence as children.

10. Under 10% of batterers are mentally ill ... they are driven instead by an intense need to be in control.

11. 1 in 4 women being treated in an emergency room is being treated for beatings by a husband or boyfriend.

12. 15-25% of pregnantwomen are battered.

13. 50% of all homeless women and children are fleeing domestic violence.

Before you skip out of this page saying, oh, man, one of those public service things! Boring!
-- stop and read! This could be you, your sister, your mother, your best friend. They could be on the news tomorrow.

My children had a first cousin on their dad's side. They adored the little boy. He had a precious smile. I hardly saw him. I was already divorced from his uncle before Phillip was born. When he was nearly six years old, he went to live with his mother and her boyfriend in another city.

One day, my children's father called me with the grim news that Phillip was dead. The boyfriend was baby-sitting while the child's mother was at work. An autopsy revealed on-going sexual abuse in addition to the skull fracture that had ended the boy's life at this man's hands.

Although technically Phillip was not my nephew, I felt moved by his loss. I went to the funeral with my own children. It was one of the darkest days I can remember, although the weather was beautiful. At the cemetery, we watched as colorful balloons were released into the September sky, a tribute to his innocent spirit. Eve wrote a poem that was later engraved on Phillip's headstone.

I got flowers today. It wasn't my birthday or any
other special day.
We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of
cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn't mean the
things he said. Because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today.
It wasn't our aniversary or any other
special day. Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke
me. It seemed like a nightmare. I couldn't believe it was real. I woke
up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today,and it wasn't Mother's Day or any other
special day. Last night, he beat me up again. And it was much worse than
all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take
care of my kids? What about money? I'm afraid of him and scared to
leave. But I know he must be sorry. Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was
the day of my funeral. Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had
gathered enough courage and
strength to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers... today.

The following link will take you to yet another post,
a free-form poem that is like a dramatic enactment.
It is not appropriate for everyone.
Many people may find the words offensive.
Others will be upset by the tone of the poem.
It is not a poem of bittersweet remembrance.
It is a warning.