SCAdian Insults
If insults you need, take a peek at this Ode Inspired, once more, by His Kiltness MacFrode. As sure as a tavern-keep waters his beer, I know that there's something for everyone here.As numb as a cod piece two sizes too small. As dense as a first-day siege Mongol shield wall. About as much use as a corset sans strings. About as much sense as the Tooth Fairy brings. As piercing a wit as a chalk tipp'ed arrow. As swift in his thought as a nectar-drunk sparrow. As deep as a Mead horn from a yearling calf's head. As pure as your seventh dear daughters' own bed. As bright as a Knight on a 12-hour leave. As smart as a "Kick Me Here" sign on your greave. As dumb as his horse, not as sharp as his plow. ........and that is all that today's Muse will allow! :*)
(Stately, slow) Mine eyes have seen the glory of the Bards at the events! They will sleep beneath the stars tonight - their harps sleep in the tents. And at Court, before the Royals, they will feign subservience! The Bards will do their thing!Mine ears have heard the punning, singing, playing of the Bards. Whilst pretending to be period, they cheerfully discard All the rules, but then the Laurel finds them hoist by their petard. Now let's go see the King!
Things are not so hunky-dory - King sends Bard off to the quarry. Bardic stay is transitory But he'll go Barding on!
(faster, march) Now Bards, they come in many forms, they sing and dance and spin. All the entiertainment's fabulous at village or the Inn. As the night progresses, there's mark'ed lack of discipline As food and drink flow on!
We call for songs and tales all night traditional and lewd, And amazed we are at Bardic brain and Bardic fortitude For we've lost count of the goblets and we've long run out of food And yet that Bard goes on!
Ribald songs, and puns, and story Tales of sex and war and glory. Insults hurled in allegory So keenly couched in rhyme!
The Bards and entertainers one by one do take the floor - They are dragging out the tales and jokes that we have heard before. When the audience hears a fav'rite, they will scream and yell for more! The Bards go Barding on!
O see the poor Bard falter as he messes up a word. See her turn unto the Heckler and quickly flash the bird. From the Laurel, "That's not period!" immediately heard. The Bard goes babbling on.
Songs and stories not medieval Leave the Laurels in upheval. You'll live in quarters most primeval If you should piss them off!
Learning other languages is difficult, it's true. Singing songs in French and Gaelic sounds awfully good to you, And since you do not speak the tongue, then any sound will do! The Bards go singing on!
A song from here, a joke from there, a borrowed tale or two Won't get anyone in trouble, won't make any whoop-de-doo If you proplerly give credit, if you give the Bard her due You'll not be spoofed in song!
Filking, stealing from each other, Read a poem to your lover - Swipe lines from your Bardic Brother, But give the Bards their due!
(slower) The Bards go Barding tent to tent as evening does fall. They arrive with songs, with cup in hand, with stories short and tall. When they leave, it's often with a tilt, and sometimes with a crawl. The Bards go *hic* *burp* on!
(slower still) At dawn, my ears are list'ning to the croaking of the Bards. They have entertained us valiantly and done their drinking hard. They have thrown up in the bushes, gone unconscious in the Yard. The Bards go crawling home!
Limping, crawling go the Harpers. Stumbling, falling go the Drummers. Weaving, stalling go the Singers. It's dawn and court's at nine!
Bardic life is migratory, Oft defies a category. Better, sure, than Purgatory - The Bardic life is fine!
Harpers, drummers, dancers, singers, Period studiers and wingers -- Bet you're waiting for a zinger. Nope, sorry. The Bards Go Barding ON!
� JMA 9:14 12-25-00
(Written for the Phoenix Consort) (sung to "Dona Nobis Pachem")
(It has been sev'ral hours.) So nice to see you. Tell me all your stories. (Where's the doggone food?)� JMA 1:00pm 12/18/00Give me that buttered roll, Where is the entree? I'm slowly starving, Where's the entree??
I may fade off to death Before it gets here. If you see my family, Say I love them dear.
Hallucinations Plague my poor mind now. I don't care if it's still too rare, Cut up that damned cow.
Forget the wooden bowl, Forget the napkin. Never mind the manners, I am digging in!
Oh dear God, I'm so full, Get that plate from me. How can you ask if I want more? Let me go to sleep.
Stop that Bard's foolish tonge, Stop that harp playing. It is for the invention Of Rolaids I'm praying!
Never let me forget This night's disaster. Another feast next week? Bet I'll get there faster Than you ("amen")
The Ballad of Shamus the Shameless
Shamus the Shameless, the great Scottish smith A powerful man, full of laughter and pith (you know, vigor... vinegar...) He's so tall and so strong, like a meat monolith, And always a great deal of fun.Someone made threats to his kin, land, and kith So Shamus took arms like hero from myth. With a yell, folded shields and broke sword-blades forthwith - The man was an army of one!
Oh Shamus the Shameless, Goes unto war and the enemy wails. Shamus the Shameless, Gets his drinks free with his in'tresting tales.
Shamus went drinkin' and singin' one night - The people received him with greatest delight. Then flat on his back did he fall for the night A victim to some lass's yen.
Now Shamus does live in great fear for his life, Not from a foe, but his darling own wife Who's threatened his kilt-length with her own good knife If he e'er comes home drunken again.
Oh Shamus the Shameless, Goes drinkin' and singin' from dusk until dawn. Shamus the Shameless, Finds a blue ribbon that someone tied on.
Shamus goes off to his forge every day To build things and beat things and make them his way. He's making his armor up there on the brae - With iron and fire, beware!
Oh Shamus, he knows how to handle his rods, His hammer and fire are never at odds, His wife keeps above him the fear of the gods If ever he burns off his hair.
Oh Shamus the Shameless, Built like a bear if a bear wore a kilt. Shamus the Shameless, To kiss him, his wee poor wife must use a stilt.
Now Nola, she tries to keep Shamus in check, From pleading and threat'ning, to giving him heck. She swings like a sparrow from his giant neck When he calls her his cute concubine.
When sometimes they clash like a ringing of gongs, Then Shamus, he tries hard to right all the wrongs, She gets her revenge then by writing rude songs, So together they get on just fine.
Shamus the Shameless, Give him an inch, he will nab the whole yard. Shamus the Shameless, Married his wife cuz he wants his own Bard.
� JMA 2000
Song of the Rogue
(Dedicated to Billy Bardo)
ROGUE: (to audience) The life of a Rogue is the one that's for me now! The dancing and singing, the drink and the fun. A kiss and a promise and gone in the morning - I'm all that you want til the rise of the sun.� JMA 9:27, 11-7-00ROGUE: Handfast to me in the Spring, bonnie Lassie, Me darlin, me wonder, the love of my life. I need you beside me, I'll love you forever, I'd fain have you being my darlin old wife.
LASS: Ah now, you're a rogue and I canna believe you, I've heard it before and I know how it ends - Another young lass will catch hold of your eye, then By time of the Autumn we will only be friends.
ROGUE: Oh such a cruel tale I have never encountered, It hurts to the bone, lass, it cuts to the quick. I promise I'll not even view other lassies, If ever I stray, then you cut off me neck. (to audience: What'd you think I was going to say?)
LASS: I'm sorry me words gave you heartache and trouble, I'm willing to give you a chance to behave. If you can but last through a year and a day I will marry the man who was one time a knave. (swoons)
ROGUE: (aside) The life of a Rogue is the one that I'm leaving - The dancing and singing, the drink and the fun. A kiss and a promise to her I am keeping - She's all that I want, yes for me she's the one.
(interlude)
ROGUE: (aside) It's been seven months now, I'm near doubled over I can't stand this longer, I'm ready to die! She's pure as the water and won't let me touch her. Oh Goddess have mercy! You must hear my cry!
LASS: (aside) I've got him wrapped up, and it's not he who wanders, I'm having the time of my life this whole year! From lover to lover I flit like a birdie - I'm everyone's darling but this Rogue right here!
ROGUE: (aside) I toil and I work and she sits by the fire, From morning til nightfall I'm slaving away.
LASS: (aside) He's keeping me fair but the bloom's wearing thinly - Tis only mere hours before he shall stray!
ROGUE: Come give me a kiss now, me wee bonnie lassie, A kiss for your lover -
LASS: - There'll be none of that! I'm having a bairn and tis you are the father!
ROGUE: Tis not child but love for a meal makes ye fat. (she concedes)
ROGUE: (aside) She thought she could catch me so easy, so smartly. I'll never be tied, I shall ever more roam.
LASS: (aside) Well now that he'll go I'll have room on my mattress - I fin'ly can bring my new lovers to home!
ROGUE: I love ye me dear, but me homeland's a-callin, It's breakin me heart now to leave you this way.
LASS: I'm sure you'll return to my side by tomorrow -
BOTH: (aside) He's/I'm leaving! Now who should I bed down today?
BOTH: The life of a Rogue is the one that's for me now! The dancing and singing, the drink and the fun. A kiss and a promise and gone in the morning - I'm all that you want til the rise of the sun.
SCADIAN STORY
(with great apologies to Leonard Bernstein who wrote "West Side Story")
The Fighter's Lament (and Their Ladies') sung to "I'm So Pretty"
I am smelly, oh so smelly. I am stinky and whiffy and ripe! But that's period, so those accuracy snobs can't gripe.
I have duct tape on my new cape - I got caught between two Samauri, And I'm lucky that I still have use of both my eyes.
See that handsome man in that armor there! Who could that attractive man be? No one really knows, We can just suppose, He can't work the buckles, he cannot get free.
I am laid up, cuz I stayed up Singing Bardic until morning came And then fighting with my body and my brain both lame.
My rattan broke, and the squire spoke: Saying, "Gregor has done it again! "Find that Chuirgeon - "He's no surgeon, but he'll fix this man."
See that idiot in the Chuirgeon's tent - Look at all the bruises and blood. Did he hit a truck? Did he run amock? No, he just got stuck in Malagentia mud!
How my head aches, so for gods' sakes, Hand me aspirin so I can go play, For I love this whole S-C-A-dian way!
Tonight
MEN: Tonight, tonight, let's get into a fight! Let's parry, thrust, and dodge til we're flagged!
WOMEN: Tonight, tonight, we'll thank our Gods tonight For back then they would be body-bagged.
ALL: Today, the market broke my purse strings - Why did I buy all those things From that cute Israelite?
Oh Moon, shine bright, I dropped my new flashlight In the john tonight.
Cara
(sung by the men to the tune of "Maria")There's someone in this room - you cannot blame me. There's someone, oh someone, yes someone, there's someone. There's a girl in this room, yes it's you, and we sing to thee. It's not our fault, she made us all do it, Not our fault, don't tell us we blew it.
Oh Cara! I just met a Maiden called Cara. I could not see her face, Her hair was in its place - ah me! Oh Cara! Her songs are a little bizzarre-a But that is well and good - It suits the neighborhood to a T. Dear Cara! Say it loud and Yitzhak's complaining! Say it soft and it's "S and M" raining. Our Cara, we'll never stop teasing our Cara.
I Like to be in the SCA
Sung to "I Like to Be in America"I like to be in the SCA! Gives me a chance to get out and play Even though I always dress this way. I like to be in the SCA!
MEN: I will suit up and go to War! WOMEN: We'll sit and knit and we'll keep score. MEN: What will you give to the Champeen? WOMEN: Big bar of soap - he'll go get clean. *phew*
I like to be in the SCA! Better than real life any day. And when it rains, we're out anyway Making up pies in the mud and hay.
WOMEN: Artists and Science and Merchants! MEN: Hey, wha'd you buy? Give hints! WOMEN: Just keep your mitts off off this linen! MEN: How can we understand women?
(women) I like to be in the SCA! Sewing up garb, colours bright and gay! Tokens and heralds in applique So we can spot those who've gone astray. (nab men, call kids)
MEN: Thank God for showers and my car. (drive) WOMEN: Do you at all know where we are? MEN: Read the directions - aren't they here? WOMEN: You ran them through with your rapier.
(MEN) I like to be in the SCA! Without directions it's here we'll stay. Shucky darn, seem to have lost our way Home, so we'll be here another day.
(ALL) I like to be in the SCA! All modern life we can disobey. Pass the Bactine and a tourniquet... How will this look on a resume?
I like to be in the SCA! Singing old songs that are quite risque. Ancient personas we shall display No matter what those darned Heralds say! I like to be in the SCA!
� JMA 2001
You picked a fine time to leave me, MacFrode - Ale need's a-brewin and we've run out of woad. Now you've sung some bad tunes, And made mead that eats spoons, But this time you're shirking your load. You picked a fine time to leave me, MacFrode.
� JMA 2001
SCAdian Man
(with apologies to They Might Be Giants)SCAdian Man, SCAdian Man, doin the things a Medieval Man can. Trying to cook without a frying pan, SCAdian man....
SCAdian Girl, SCAdian Girl, havin some fun in the Medieval world. New houpilande, she gives it a twirl, SCAdian Girl.
Valiant Knight, Valiant Knight, chival�ry followed to do what�s right. Stuck in his armor cuz the metal�s tight, Valiant Knight.
Beautiful Maid, Beautiful Maid, waits for her Knight while the battle�s played. Use his own sword on him if he�s strayed, Beautiful Maid.
Glorious King, Glorious King, it is of our King that we do sing. Nothing but praises to him we bring, Glorious King.
Wonderful Queen, Wonderful Queen, prettiest noble we�ve ever seen. Now to the Bard please do not be mean, Wonderful Queen.
Strong Metalsmith, Strong Metalsmith, making up swords for my kin and kith. Nobody makes fun of that man�s lithp, Strong Metalsmith.
Science and Arts, Science and Arts, dancing and brewing and sewing starts. Doing the work now with all their hearts, Science and Arts.
Merchants and Wares, Merchants and Wares, everyone�s items beyond compare. Seller is cute then we�ll spend more there, Merchants and Wares.
Medieval Tent, Medieval Tent, try to put you up my patience�s spent. Gonna go sleep in the truck I rent. Medieval tent.
Medieval Food, Medieval Food, some of it�s crunchy and some is stewed. Fingers and knives cuz a fork�s pooh-poohed. Medieval Food.
Medieval Clothes, Medieval Clothes, how does this go on - well no one knows. Laurels would not like polyester hose, Medieval Clothes.
Strong Rhino Hide, Strong Rhino Hide, wades in to fight - half the field has died. Easier methods of suicide, Strong Rhino Hide.
SCAdian Feast, SCAdian Feast, four in the morning got to spit that beast. Cook it for days but left on the fleece, SCAdian Feast.
Buying a Sword, Buying a Sword, tin or damascus or real cardboard. Haggle the price cuz Period�s ignored, Buying a Sword.
And more to be added, I am sure!
� JMA 2001
Sit on My Helm!
(with no apologies whatsoever)(men) Sit on my helm and tell me that you love me! Buckle my greaves and send me off to war! I�m off to fight Whether it�s day or night, I�m going to use all my might Then crawl home to you! If I lose an appendage, will you still love me? An arm, a leg, a hand, or even a ball... of my heel? All�s fair in love and war, Look at all the blood and gore! So sit on my helm and give me more!
(women) Sit in my tent and tell me that you love me. I�ll sit on your lap before you go to war! I�ll tantalize As I sit on your thighs. You armor is cold as ice, My buttocks are numb! Sing unto me of love that�s everlasting While I adjust my bodice til your eyes bleed - You�re praying, �Dear God, There�s no room inside my cod!� Then I will send you off to war!
(men) Hacking away as enemies surround me, Getting it up all day - I mean my sword! Petrified, Oh no, I mean Glorified! Where is the rest of my side? I�m running away! Parry and thrust and dodge until I�m weary, Nigh unto death but fighting for my King! (VIVAT!) Life would be just fine If the crown were only mine! So sit on my helm and pray for me!
(women) Sit on my bed and let me tend your hurts dear. Here is deep one - dear me that must sting. Don�t you cry, It only burns like lye. Just hold still - Oh my! He�s passed out on me! Poor little thing, he�s really so worn out now. Fighting all day for glory and his freedom. Now I�m free to go And be with my lover, Joe. Yes, now that�s he�s fought, I�m off to play!
� JMA 3-15-2001
Malagentia
(sung to "Constantinople" by They might Be Giants, with apologies)It rains a lot here in Malagentia. No parking spots here in Malagentia. You might get caught here in Malagentia, If the mud won't let you go on home, You might be here til the fall of Rome! (the NEXT one)
The rain is cold here in Malagentia. The Crown is gold here in Malagentia. The Knights are bold here in Malagentia. If cold bold Knights are what you please All covered in mud up to their knees.
We give what-for here in Malagentia. When we go to war here in Malagentia. We find Gregor here in Malagentia. He heals us of all our aches and pains So we can go out and fight again!
Our Herald�s great here in Malagentia. Lets us sleep late here in Malagentia. And Mead�s the bait here in Malagentia. A dead-drunk Herald can�t move on To waken us all at the crack of dawn.
The King doth rule here in Malagentia. He is no fool here in Malagentia. We think he�s cool here in Malagentia. He�s kind to his commons and his royals And after wars he lets us share the spoils!
The mud is deep here in Malagentia. The sky doth weep here in Malagentia. Then we die of heat here in Malagentia. We soak, mud, and bake all through the day And turn out looking like we�re folk of clay.
We Filk all day here in Malagentia. We hafta stay here in Malagentia. Now go away now from Malagentia. We�re done singing this here silly song. Now go on back home where you belong!
� JMA 3-16-2001
Green Sheets
Yes, my housemate and I are aliens. Begun 9 months ago, last night we finally gave "birth" to... well, to THIS. It will be recorded soon and available for your listening... um... pleasure? Personally, I'm headed for the hills, y'all have been warned.
Lorelei Greenwood & Daniel Singer 2003-04-08 @ 20:00 Without apology or recourse given or received to Henry, who surely spins rapidly in his grave every time we sing it.
Notes: to the tune of "Greensleeves" (duh) Vocalist: (op)erratic style Instruments: Electric piano, strings
--- Prelude: Piano plays in lovely fashion, strings sing above, ditto, lulling the audience into a false sense of serenity (muahahahaaa)
Perverse 1
At last, my love, your cock is long And fills me up, deliciously And I have lov�d you, and your dong Delighting when you enter me
(Don't Refrain)
Green sheets on the bed tonight Between these sheets we won't be cold Between my knees place your hard-on, boy And together we'll rumple these green sheets
Music fills for a moment while vocalist breathes
Perverse 2 (too perverse!)
I've been made ready by your hand I'll grant whatever thou wouldst crave I've got the condoms, K-Y Jelly and Toys if we're feeling deprav�d
(Don't refrain, too)
Green sheets on the bed tonight I hope these sheets will firmly hold I hope that when I claw with joy That my nails won't tear through these new green sheets
Music fills for a moment while vocalist breathes, again
Perverse 3 (too perverse, but one more)
I hope this boy can go all night We'll need a break or two -- or three The bed will be an aweful sight When I'm done with him and he with me
(Don't refrain, at all)
Green sheets on the bed tonight I'm ready now and I'm feeling bold I'm ready for him and I won't be coy When we're bouncing like bunnies on green sheets
Vocalist turns blue... purple... wow, plaid! (no breath)
(Don't stop now)
Green sheets on the bed tonight When we're all done, we'll wash and fold When we're all done, we'll clean each toy So they're ready next time we're on green sheets.
(Now you can stop) ***
Who is this Lorelei person anyway?Joined by the Gods: A Book of Pagan Marriage
