Pagan Humour
| Age Old Question | Showering Together | Karma Sutra | Religion and Toys | What Would... |
| A Clash of Groups | Ideas for Pagan Olympic Events | The Eve of Midwinter | Ritual Bloopers | Pagan Report Cards |
That Age-Old Question -- Magic or Magick?
If we're a-gonna get into the interesting and unique spellings of such a word, let's put the ole noggin to work in the Ham On Wry department.....
Magic - stage sleight-of-hand, and Pagan workings of will and spellcraft
Magick - alternate spelling of above, also used to differentiate between stage and "real" magics and/or sex magics.
Mahjique - for those who perform magic workings with Mahjong tiles.
Marge-ic - Simpson spell-workings.
MA-gic - those whose spell workings are often interrupted by the calls of children.
Magicaboom - either magic workings with pizzaz, or workings with incendiaries... ain't figured this one out yet....
Magchic - Gucci robes and a wine more European than your tradition required.
MagICK! - when a slug slides into your sandal during the casting of a woodland Circle after a rain.
ma-GI-c - military or martial-art-clad workings.
Mmmmmmmmmmagic - spellwork involving chocolate (or other favorite nummy)
You know you are getting old when taking a shower with your mate goes from romantic to ridiculous. Now I KNOW I'm old beacuse whoever thought that showering together was a good idea is a finer form of sado-masochist as I have ever witnessed. Sure, when you're 20, all the slippery squiggling and such are all in good fun, but when you've hit your mid-30's or beyond, it's a life-and-death struggle to reach the soap. Shower snuggles and sliding past each other to reach the stream has become the ye-gods-there's-soap-in-my-eyes dance and the Stoned Walrus Wiggle. This is particularly perilous when your mate and you have a 12-inch height difference. I'm not even going into girth. As far as passing one another in the tub, what used to present a romantic opportunity now results in more shower-curtain replacement expenses than I wish to recall. And there's nothing graceful about attempting to exit the shower cleanly when your mate is still sudsy. Washing each other's hair was cute and sexy until your employer begins random drug testing due to your red rimmed Irish Spring eyes. Maybe you've installed a room-sized bathtub, or perhaps you're one of those lucky people who are "in shape," but I'll wrest my sanity back from the jaws of the tub drain and leave the shared showers for the under-20's.
�JMA 2001
Now onto another favorite topic from the Ham On Wry Department... Sex.
And just for fun, let's mix in that ole favorite topic of Karma.
Kama Sutra is "the joy of sex" but my warped brain came up with the following.
The Laws of KARMA SUTRA
If Karma is a reward-and-punishment system, and Sutra is sex......
-- The sex you give will come back to you threefold
-- If you send forth intentional harm during sex, you will be celibate for three years
-- What you get in sex you deserve
-- If you lie during sex, she will tell all her friends the truth about your penis
-- If you fake it during sex, he will tell all his buddies he's getting TONS of sex and that report will get back to your mother
-- If you lie about the sex you're getting (when you're not getting any) you will not have a date for as many weeks as three times the number of guys to whom you bragged
-- If you practise safe sex, you will live as many extra years as three times the number of condoms you used
-- What goes around comes around, especially if you're not using a condom
�JMA 1999
Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ Scientist - We are the toys.
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you are in big
trouble if we catch you selling yours.
Baha'i - All toys came from the same toy maker.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.
Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Southern Baptist - If your toy is a Disney product, you have a one-way
ticket to Hell.
Jehovah's Witness - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostal - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Non-Denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from; let's just
play with them.
Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of
difference.
Unitarian Universalism - We still haven't decided if the toys exist.
Eclectic Paganism - Mix up all the toys, play with them all, and choose
your favorites.
Solitarianism - Which toy do I play with first? I want someone to share
my toys, but just for a while.
Satanism - Tie the toys upside-down and burn black candles in front of them. Chant Old MacDonald's E I E I O backwards. Watch the toys melt.
Odinism - He who dies while playing with war-toys, wins.
Feminist Wiccism - The Doll came before tonka trucks, but they are equal; myn deserve toys too.
Gothism - This toy isn't sharp enough to go through.
Libertarianism - You can't make me collect toys, nor can you regulate Parker Brothers.
Spud Wiccism - Mr. Potato-head is the coolest toy.
Born Again Christians: There is only ONE true toy, and all other toys are against the Word of the Toymaker.
Celtic Reconstrustionism - Approximate replicas of the toy are not good enough.
Alexandrianism - My grandmother taught me how to play with this toy when I was eight, so I won't ask you to show me again.
Gnostic Paganism - Whatever toy works for you.
Egyptianism - You only win if you take enough toys with you.
Pantheism - The universe is a great ineffable toy, which we can only begin to see by playing with small toys that we can understand.
Feng Shuism- Don't move that toy!!!
Witta - Switch the stickers on an existing toy, and sell books about the
'new' toy.
As we all know, WWJD? is "What Would Jesus Do?" Now we have...
WWAD? A= Artemis- Turn him into a stag to be torn apart by his barking poodle.
WWAD? A= Athena- Stare him down (Then beat the crap out of them... in a logical manner.)
WWAD? A= Adonis- Take them boar hunting.
WWAD? A= Anubis- Give them a fine funeral.
WWAD? A= Apollo- Test their musical skills... in a fair contest.
WWAD? A= Aphrodite- Don't you mean "Who" would Aphrodite do?
WWAD? A= Attis- First off... his voice would get REAL HIGH!...
WWAD? A= Astarte- Make love AND war.
WWAD? A= Aequitas- Give them a fair deal.
WWAD? A= Angerona (Goddess of secrecy)-Not gonna tell ya!
WWBD? B= Baal- Shine some light on it.
WWBD? B= Bacchus- Get them drunk and turn them into dolphins.
WWBD? B= Boreas- Blow them out of the water.
WWBD? B= Britannia- Rule!
WWBD? B= Buddha- Does it matter? If you are enlightened it does not. If you are not enlightened it still doesn't matter.
WWCD? C= Ceres- Discuss it calmly while holding a scythe.
WWCD? C= Ceridwen- Stir it up one more time.
WWCD? C= Chaos- No one is quite sure... but it will be messy and interesting.
WWCD? C= Cthulhu- Does it matter? No one will survive anyway.
WWDD? D= Demeter- Lay waste to your lands if you don't have her daughter back by 10 p.m.! (And DON'T lay a hand on her!)
WWDD? D= Discordia- Here... have an apple...IF you are the fairest!
WWED? E= Epona- Give them a good tip on a fast horse in the sixth.
WWED? E= Ereskigal- Strip them and hang them on a hook to rot.
WWTED? TE= The Elueusinians- It's a mystery!
WWFD? F= Flora- Say it with flowers.
WWFD? F= Fortuna- Play the lottery.
WWFD? F= Fides- Keep good faith.
WWGD? G= Gaia- Remind them to worship the ground they stand on.
WWHD? H= Hades- Tell them to go to Hell.
WWHD? H= Hecate- Show them the right path... or is it the left?
WWHD? H= Hera- She'd get jealous.
WWHD? H= Hercules- He'd labor to come up with an answer.
WWHD? H= Hermes- Tell them to get the message or take a hike.
WWHD? H= Herne- Lead them on a Wild Hunt!
WWID? I= Iris- Paint them a rainbow to send the message.
WWID? I= Isis- Find every part of them after they are torn apart.
WWJD? J= Janus- Look the other way.
WWJD? J= Juno- Make sure they marry well.
WWJD? J= Jupiter- Strike them down with a bolt from the blue.
WWKD? K= Kali- Tear out their beating heart, drink their blood and dance on their trembling corpse. Then wear parts as jewelry.
WWKD? K= Klotho- Wind it up.
WWKD? K= Kwan Yin- Show them some mercy.
WWLD? L= Loki- Turn left at the next street, buy five chickens, "borrow" some jewelry, change into a seal and steal some apples. For starters.
WWLD? L= Luna- Moon them!
WWMD? M= Mithras- Cut the bull!
WWMD? M= Mars- Suit up for battle.
WWMD? M= Mercury- Change his mind... again.
WWND? N= Narcissus- Huh? Is there someone else here?
WWND? N= Neptune- Ride the ninth wave.
WWND? N= Nemesis- Get "furious".
WWND? N= Nike- Be victorious.
WWND? N= Nyx- "Good Night!"
WWOD? O= Osiris- Cut to the "bone".
WWOD? O= Odin- Hang on a tree for nine days until you start seeing things.
WWOD? O= Orpheus- Sing the blues.
WWPD? P= Pan- Tell them to pipe down or F_ck off.
WWPD? P= Pax- Tell them "peace."
WWPD? P= Persephone- Just take a little bite, it won't be that bad.
WWPD? P= Poseidon- Have an adventure... but there has to be a morning after.
WWPD? P= Prometheus- Give it some thought first.
WWSD? S= Set- You don't want to know but it won't be nice.
WWSD? S= Shiva- Start all over again.
WWTD? T= Themis- Put on a blindfold before she decides.
WWTD? T= Thor- Hammer it out.
WWVD? V= Vesta- Keep the home fires burning.
WWVD? V= Vulcan- Live long and prosper. (Hey, this took a while! I was just checking to see if you got this far. After all, I suffered for this, now it's your turn!)
WWYD? Y= Yahweh- "I hear you, I hear you. Stop with the burning bush already! OY!
WWZD? Z= Zeus- By Jove, he'd flirt with the girls!
Seems there was a group of Ku Klux Klansmen in Texas who heard that
some Pagans were holding a ritual out in the woods somewhere. Having run
out of other minorities to harass, they decided to get back to their roots
and practice some religious bigotry in addition to the usual racial intolerance and break up the party with a good ol' cross-burning. [Note: in recent years, the Klan has tried to distance itself from its history of religious intolerance
and claim that the organization's only concerns are racial. This is, of
course, utter crap as the anti-Semitism of the Klan is well documented, as is
their history of anti-Catholic violence in the early part of this century]
So anyway, these fellows loaded up some lumber and a couple of cans of gasoline and went out hunting for these Pagans they'd heard about,
hoping to catch them dancing nekkid around a fire or something. They found the spot where the other vehicles were parked and donned their hoods. Grabbing the lumber and gasoline, they assembled a cross and strode off into the woods, confident that they'd scare any remaining pants off the fluffybunny Pagans.
They were a little disconcerted to find themselves looking at the business
end of at least 2 spears, a couple of swords, assorted knives, and more than
one firearm. They'd crashed an Asatru blot, and didn't realize that not all
Pagans are pacifists. From somewhere behind the hardware, a voice called out "If that cross goes up, you're getting nailed to it. I've got my hammer
right here..."
The Klansmen left in a bit of a hurry, it's said.
Sabbat Slalom Each contestant drinks three quarts of wine in a smoke-filled
room, then weaves through a course marked by lounging Pagans to reach the
bathroom.
High Chant Participants attempt to chant in tune with a High Priestess, who
has pitched the sound too high for any ordinary man or adult woman to
emulate. The event is closed to eunuchs and children.
Altar Cloth Toss When cloths are ignited by a bumped candle, competitors
must snatch them up, run up two flights of stairs, open a locked kitchen
door and cast the cloth into a backyard. This is a relay event.
Maypole Erection Teams of male athletes encircle Maypoles lying on the
ground. At the starting gun, they must simultaneously meditate on
Aphrodite and achieve erection without use of hands or other external aids.
Jewelry Walk Wearing _all_ the ritual necklaces, rings, bracelets, tiaras,
amulets, talismans, torques, garters, brooches, and dream bags they own,
contestants must walk 10 feet without toppling. Physician's certification
of fitness required.
Great Rite Marathon In a freshly plowed and sown field, teams perform the
Rite until the first sprouts appear, achieving orgasm at that precise moment.
Bag Drag Contestants must carefully round up all of their horrible life
experiences and compete to see who can drag the most personal baggage into
circle. Bonus points awarded for absorbing all the circle's energy without
reducing the other participants to tears. The use of eighteen wheelers
and/or one's children as porters is strictly prohibited. All baggage must
be personally carried by the contestant.
Divination Match-Up Each contestant is given a list of 10 Pagan volunteers
and 20 possible futures. They have 5 minutes to match the correct destiny
with the correct Pagan. Points are awarded for speed and
accuracy. Contestants are not allowed to touch or fondle the volunteers to
"get a better reading".
Prophethon Each contestant attempts to achieve a trance-like state and
prophecy as long as possible, without throwing up and/or passing out. No
bonus points will be awarded for speaking in tongues. All predictions made
during the event will have to take place in the immediate future in order
to avoid delays in processing event scores.
Guided Hallucination After having consumed a large quantity of
hallucinogens, participants must attempt to follow a very complex guided
meditation while refraining from getting lost within their own
heads. Points are automatically deducted from any contestants who attempt
to claw their own faces off.
Priest/ess Pout As the signal is given, coven members encircle their
respective high priest/ess and attempt to soothe his/her bruised ego in the
least possible time. This is a team event, as it is doubtful that any
single coven member could complete this event without
assistance. Individuals who wish to compete as a "team of one" are
required to have their own emergency back-up personnel on hand.
Circle Cast-Off After drinking a horn of mead, and spinning in place for 5
minutes, contestants attempt to cast a reasonably round circle without
holding on to quarter alters as they pass by.
Author Unknown
We all know how embarrassing (or amusing) Ritual errors can be! Here are some Bloopers.
A friend has discovered that one should never never never use Brut in the brazier! Great flame, BAAAAAD smell!
The same friend made an error in the Ale department. Realizing nearly too late that there was no Ale in the house, he was sent for "Something cheap, and hurry!" The sender was thinking along the lines of a nice Boone's Farm Strawberry or even a wine cooler. What did the "sendee" bring? Wild Irish Rose; the error discovered upon the first mouthful by the acting High Priestess.
Woe to the Priestess who forgets a towel during a Wiccanning!
Ostara, the Spring Equinox, first day of Spring 1992... we got dumped a foot of snow. Talk about the Laughing Gods!
Pagan Report Cards: Netiquette
A Wee spot of humour from Harper Meader and Lorelei Greenwood
I'm sure we've all violated nettiquette on some occasion or other (some of my goofs still haunt me), and many of us have landed too hard on someone for this or that. We've all got pet peeves (rampant misspellings, ALL CAPS, "me too" posts, off-topic, etc., and learning where the norm is can take some time. We need to remember that stepping out of the norm is hardly the end of the world.
What we need is a Pagan Report Card, complete with the sort of cute personal trait evaluations that the kids get from school:
Also, don't forget the little "addendum notes" we all loathe... I mean love.
Joined by the Gods: A Book of Pagan Marriage
IDEAS FOR A POSSIBLE "PAGAN OLYMPICS"
The Eve of Midwinter
'Twas the eve of midwinter, and all through the coven
The witches were cooking strange things in the oven.
There were mugwort frittatas and dragon's-blood stew
And mescaline eggnog and mandrake fondue.
There were hot mountain oysters and road-kill pate'
And spotted-owl kidneys, and wombat flambe'.
The Circle was cast and the herbs had been smoked
In hopes that the Goddess would soon be invoked.
When out by the hot tub arose such a clatter
I jumped on my broom to see what was the matter.
And what should I see in the blackberry thorns
But a soaking wet Goddess and eight unicorns!
"I was just getting down with my vibrating phallus
And a good book," she said. "Christ, you bitches are callous!
I came when you called, over all my objections,
And got lost in the woods -- you give lousy directions.
You turkeys invoked me, now look at my dress.
My period's late and I've got PMS."
She cursed and she muttered, she looked like a wreck;
The unicorns whimpered and shat on the deck.
We gave her some weed and we got her some grub;
We brought her clean towels and she soaked in the tub.
The she rose, hot and dripping, and gave us her blessing
And jumped in her chariot, without even dressing!
"On Isis! On Eris! Oya and Astarte!
On Ishtar! Inanna! Kali and Hecate!"
We heard her exclaim as she climbed through the air,
"Thank Goddess there's only eight sabbats a year!"
RITUAL BLOOPERS
Gently should the Priestess sip of wine when she's been fasting,
For when the Merry May We's come, could be words everlasting!
Oh gently sip, dear Lady mine, for live this down you shall not,
And every time we worship, we shall eager wait for that spot:
"Do you think she'll slip this time?" "She could... perhaps she may!"
So gently, gently sip, my love; you'll not live down that day!
__ Runs with athames
__ Chants well with others
__ Respects others' beliefs
__ Raises hand often at esbats
__ Has independent opinions (now there's a gimme!)
__ Shows proper respect for authority (there's another fun one...)
__ Quotes entire original message in any reply
__ Corrects HP/S in the middle of Ritual
__ Mispronounces deity names
(n) = needs a rebirthing session
(i) = intolerably fluffy-bunny
(pf) = pagan fundy
Who is this Lorelei person anyway?
