...your picture of the Goddess is Miss September.
...your anointing oil is Old Spice, or has a weight of W40.
...your totem includes the Budweiser Frog.
...you have already caught, fried, and eaten said totem animal.
...your Altar consists of a milk crate and a stop sign.
...your decorative Pentacle is a Chrysler hubcap.
...your robe says "Idaho Potatoes" on the back.
...you reach the Third Degree... but not the third grade.
...you use your cauldron as a spittoon (or vice versa).
...you think a Coven is something to put over your pickup.
...your incense says Marlboro on the side.
...you chose your HPS because of her bust measurement.
...your HP and HPS are wearing coveralls.
...your altar cloth says "Holiday Inn".
...your God statue is a porcelain statue of Elvis.
...your Athame is a Swiss Army Knife, a chainsaw, or doubles as nail clippers.
...your coven forgoes the ritual bath because no one can decide where else to put the transmission.
...your Altar is an Engine Block.
...your idea of Skyclad is getting drunk, naked, painting yourself blue, and running through town.
...the Sacred wine is Ripple, Thunderbird, Nighttrain, or Lancers.
...any ritual ends with the phrase "Y'all know what I'm talkin 'bout here?"
...your Goddess is missing teeth.
...your magick wand is an old Chevy oil dip-stick.
...when your HPS is drawing down you think, "Nice butt."
...you mow your lawn for Ritual and you find four automobiles.
...your Rituals are not "Skyclad" but "in the Buff".
...you choose your HPS at a wet-tee-shirt contest, and your HP at a belching contest.
...you think "drawing down the moon" involves dropping your drawers at a monster truck rally.
...your ritual wand has a nice walnut stock.
...your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top.
...you think a "family tradition" is a dating club.
...your idea of ritual includes, "Moo?" *tip* THUD!
...your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it.
...chewing-tobacco is considered a sacred herb.
...your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do".
...you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg.
...you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu.
...you have ever canceled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV.
...your cakes and ale consist of moonpies and a cold "Bud".
...your Book Of Shadows has a picture of Kyle Petty or Dale Earnhart on it.
...your divination kit consists of a picture of Dionne Warwick and a 1-900 number.
...your idea of a pilgrimage to a sacred circle is going to the Indy 500.
...your ceremonial head-dress has a bill and says "Chevrolet" on it.
...your Sabbat Queen's head-dress is made out of those little nylon flowers the veterans hand out in front of the supermarket.
...you chose "Jim Bob" or "Stormin Normin" as a magickal name.
...you think charging is done with a Master Card.
...your Balefire says "Coleman" on it.
...your ceremonial chants are by Garth Brooks.
...your initiatory ordeal consisted of being blind-folded with a confederate flag and leg-wrestling.
...your coven's guided meditations start out with a burger at "Hooter's".
...you think a "Gerald Gardner" is farm equipment.
...you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess.
...you have ever worked love magick on livestock...AND FAILED....
...your covenstead says "Winnebago" on the side, you're NOT necessarily a redneck Pagan, but if your covenstead's up on blocks...well...
...your chalice gets crushed and recycled after the ritual.
...you use chains for knot spells!
...your cauldron says "Weber" on the side.
...all your tools are either Black and Decker or Craftsman.
...your ritual robe says "Motel 6" on the back.
...you have to climb under the altar to change the oil.
...your mabon feasts include opossum.
...your ritual jewelry is made from pop tops.
...your altar table is the tailgate.
...you think your coven is the Grange!
...your name is Silver-bob.
...your idea of a power spot has a V-8.
...your "aura" is beer breath.
...your power stone is gravel.
...your idea of a salute to the elements of Air & Fire is lighting a fart.
...you thought up five more ideas for this list while reading it!
...your table of correspondences lists Citronella Yellow as the color for all four quarters.
...you actually know what kind of wood your staff is made of, and where it grew.
...you can actually see the northern star from your ritual circle, instead of figuring out directions from a metro area map.
...your Goddess wields a real scythe at Lammas, and has room to swing it without removing a human limb.
...you think of crystals as something that comes from a cave, not a vial.
...grounding means touching it, not imagining it...
...you've never ever used a plastic flower in circle.
...your BMW stands out among the Toyotas and VWs at the Grand Coven and gatherings.
...your ritual preparation includes stopping at the dry cleaner.
...you purchase astrological charts for companies listed on the NASDAQ.
...you use an alphanumeric pager in circle to represent Air.
...you try to break a $100 bill in the donation pot at a public circle.
...you worry that you don't have a robe that goes well with bare feet.
...jet-lag is a common excuse for being late to coven.
...Perrier is the only water you will tolerate in the West.
...you initiate your lawyer, insurance agent, and cardiologist just to be on the safe side.
...you never do a healing ritual for your car.
...perfect love and perfect trust in your coven oath are annotated with footnotes and conditions.
...you have a notarized pre-handfasting agreement.
...your first degree initiation had valet parking.
...spilled wax really matters to you.
...you have a Ginsu athame.
...cakes and wine for a dozen sets you back $139.
...your ritual bath is a Jacuzzi.
...you don't do astral projection, frequent flyer miles are so much easier.
...the gardener spends more time in your outdoor temple than you do.
...your familiar is rented.
...you are offended by the "We are the old people..." chant ever since the facelift.
...five-fold kiss or not, the thought of lips on your Guccis turns you on.
...you had a pocket added to your ritual robe for your cellular phone.
...you would go to Pagan festivals if they would just hold them at a nice resort.
...you wouldn't use a script in ritual, that's what the laptop computer on the altar is for.
...if "In the cool of the evening, we used to gather..." makes you think of getting in a late 18 holes.
...your ritual tools are itemized on your homeowners insurance.
...you wear paste replicas of your ritual jewelry to rituals.
...after casting the circle you feel compelled to click that alarm thing on your keychain.
...you have a tattoo designed by Nybor and paid for the rights to the design.
...the square footage of your ritual circle is a status thing.
...your covenstead has gone condo.
...you seldom are asked to call North since everyone knows you just don't do dirt.
...the ritual wine is more European than your tradition.
...you have a Disk of Shadows.
...the gods and goddesses communicate with you by e-mail.
...your ritual bonfire has an extension cord.
...the address of your convenstead begins with "http://"...
...erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks.
... you invite the God and Goddess to come online.
...you call the Watch Towers on your cell-tell.
...you do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with "Blessed Be" or B*B.
...you keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups).
...you draw down the moon using a light-pen.
...you end a circle with Ctrl-Alt-Del.
...ou have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun.
...you don't call it a ritual, you call it a Macro.
...you refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR).
...your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded).
...drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test).
...passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command.
...you calculate the phases of the moon with Windows '95.
...you do cord magick with ethernet.
...while on Internet Relay Chat, you have ever tried to discourage netsplit or lag with visualization... and had it WORK.
...you participate in online rituals more than you do FTF.
...you refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming.
...you refer to solitary practice as a stand alone.
...you tap into the collective unconscious using Netscape.
...your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number.
...your OBE's begin with a netsplit.
...your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over.
...your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group.
...you ritually down your server for Samhain.
... your Yule ritual involves defragmentation.
...your altar cloth is a mouse pad.
...your altar has a keyboard.
...your athame has a SCSI interface.
...your candles have batteries.
...your cauldron is a crock-pot.
...your chimes are electronic.
...your circle is a token ring.
...your cone of power has a surge suppressor.
...your coven is spread over a 12,000 square mile area.
...your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control.
...your daemons collect news for you.
...your deities include Murphy and Gates.
...your familiar is a computer mouse.
...your herbs are always mail-ordered or ordered by e-shopping.
...your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity, and a TV
nearby ....
...your incense is by Glade.
...your magic wand is a light pen.
...your magical name, email address, and online name are all the same.
...your magical writing is done in binary code or C++.
...your patron deity has a homepage.
...your pentacle is made of computer chips.
...your ritual robes conceal a pocket protector.
...your search for truth involves regular expressions.
...your tarot cards multi-task.
...your technician compains about the wax and incense ash on your motherboard.
...instead of asking what tradition someone comes from, you ask what
operating system they run.
...when your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in.
...you call your corners on a cellular phone..
...you've had to remove candle wax off your keyboard.
...you charge your ritual tools - with a Visa..
...you use a remote control in place of an athame..
...you download your book of shadows..
...you cast your circle in a chat room..
...your familiar is a mouse..
...you attend ritual skyclad because it's too much trouble to get dressed for
a computer..
...your magical name, e-mail address, and on-line name are all the same.
...you refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming.
...your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group.
...your candles have batteries.
...casting the circle changes an (int) to a (float).
...your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over.
...your Ritual Wand is made by The Club.
...casting a protective Circle includes calling on the patron deities of Smith & Wesson.
...your Quarter guardians are wearing their "colors."
...traffic jams are a common excuse for being late to Circle.
...you refer to your HP and HPS as "Home-Boy" and "Ms. Thang."
...the Charge of the Goddess is done in rap.
...witch wars involve drive-by hexings.
You Might Be an Aging Pagan If...
... you start to notice that Spinner has nice posture.
... you like the Maypole Ritual because of the nice colored ribbons.
... paying extra for heated space starts to sound appropriate.
-when you seriously want to shake the next newbie who asks for a "kewl" love spell.
- when you lose track of when the full moon is, cause your period *isnt* due then, or any *other* time....
- when you decide that making your own candles is all well and good, but the energy expended making them, to say nothing of the time you *dont* have, hardly makes them worth the effort.
... it takes both KY and Ben Gay to get through the Great Rite.
..the symbolic Great Rite is enough.
...Circle gets raised more than you do.
..you have cookware older than some of your Circle members.
..you can't meditate anymore because everyone keeps thinking you're dead.
...your ritual robe involves wool and a turtleneck... all year through.
...support hose becomes a part of Ritual garb.
...you're heard asking, "Silver who?"
...the size of your Athame really doesn't matter anymore.
...you arrive for Ritual ON TIME.
...you're not sure which are hot flashes and which are God Experiences.
..the Ritual mead makes your denture adhesive dissolve.
...Cakes and Ale becomes Prune Juice and Bran Muffins.
..your original Craft books are no longer in print.
...you consider speaking with a NewAger to be an Out-of-Body experience.
.... you refer to Alistair Crowley or Sybil Leek as "that whipper-snapper"
... you say things to new coven members beginning with "In my day..."
... you have ever lost your dentures in the scrying bowl.
.... the Ten Commandments seem like "New Age Drivel" to you.
... the Crone looks like your sister or your wife or your girlfriend.
...the Crone IS your sister or your wife or your girlfriend.
... you consecrated your cane so you could use it to cast the Circle.
... your housepets are older than some of your coven members.
.... you are conducting a past life regression and a new coven member was your mother in her last life.
... your magickal name is in Old English because that is your native tounge.
... you were there when your current High Priestess was born.
You might Be a Militant Pagan If...
...you use a flame-thrower to light the altar candles.
...your athame has a bayonet attachment to fit on your M-16.
...your robe is made of camouflage material.
...your cakes & wine come from MRE's
...your book of shadows contains plans on defusing bombs, poison antidotes and basic survival techniques.
...your circle is marked by barb-wire.
...you have to ride an ATV or HumVee to get to the Covenstead.
...you use an artillery shell casing for your God symbol
...you take down a tent to move the Covenstead.
...your familiar is either a Doberman, Rotweiller or German Shepherd.
...you use a hubcap for a scrying dish.
...you use teargas to smudge when doing banishings.
...your goddess symbol is Tank Girl
...1st degree training includes Ninjitsu or other forms of martial arts.
...your circle name is Spike, Slash, Ripcord, Hawkeye, Bubba, or anything that ends with 'ster'.
...you use machine gun fire to cast your circle.
...instead of using an acorn or pine cone, you use a hand grenade for a God symbol (if there isn't an artillery shell available).
...you use a compass for a divination tool.
...you use a bullet on a string for a pendulum.
...you call your High Priest "Commander", and your High Priestess as "General" or "Bitch Queen".
You Might Be a Deaf Pagan If...
(Submitted by a Deaf Pagan, member of the Deaf Pagan Group)
...you have ever had to go to a speech therapist just to learn how to pronounce your Goddesses, Gods, or Sabbats.
...at a Spiritual Gathering you are being introduced to someone and your interpreter turns to the individual and says "Can you tell me how you spell
that??"
...the statue of the Goddess that sits on your altar wears hearing aids.
...you've ever stayed up all night with friends discussing various ways to sign "witch."
...while invoking the elements in ASL, you've accidentally cut yourself with your athame. (I recommend using your wand instead.)
...you've ever gotten tendonitis from trying to fingerspell the Goddess chant over and over and over.
...you've ever had to explain "skyclad" (as in the possibility that some folks might be) to your local interpreter coordinating services for an upcoming gathering.
...you've ever requested that participants shine a flashlight up in their faces while performing an outdoor evening ritual.
...your best friend is the only woman at the ritual wearing a top, because you need a dark background to see her hands for signing.
...you can cast a circle, call the elements, invoke the deities, raise energy, work magic and cast a spell without saying a word, and feel afterwards the beauty, power, healing, and wisdom of the Old Ones, then by golly you could be a Deaf Pagan.
You Know Your Coven is Getting Old When...
...the ritual feast is pureed.
...last Beltaine the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to
celebrate.
...the last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got
tangled.
...Viagra is kept in the coven supplies.
...the maiden of the coven is a grandmother.
...the ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators.
...the coveners drive their RV's to Scottsdale for Mabon.
...when you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset.
...it takes the whole coven to move the cauldron.
...the high priest still has a vendetta going against Richard Nixon.
...you find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the
newspaper.
...you tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through five feet of
snow uphill both ways when you did a Yule ritual.
...you drop your teeth in the ritual cup.
...at Samhain you see more of your coveners in the Wild Hunt than you do in
circle.
...you put your athame in the chalice during ritual but you can't remember
why.
...you hold an all night blow-out drum frenzy and none of your neighbors
noticed.
...you use Glenn Miller records for trance music.
...all of your ritual robes are tie-dyed
...your coven has a 401(k) retirement plan.
...a nitro pill vial replaces the crystal on your pendant.
...no one's successfully jumped the Beltaine fire since 1983.
...when the coven sings, "Creak and groan, creak and groan . . ."
...when you set comfy chairs around the circle.
...when you sit on the floor and can't get up again.
...you do anointings with Aspercreme.
...the oak tree your coven planted died of old age.
...you use Bran Muffins and Prune Juice for Cakes & Ale because you need the
extra fiber.
...you don't use salt to consecrate you altar because you need to stay away
from extra sodium.
...you use a walker during the Wild Hunt
...you prefer to rent a Hall for rituals because the bathrooms are closer.
...you need a flashlight to find the candles.
Joined by the Gods: A Book of Pagan Marriage
Who is this Lorelei person anyway?
