The melancholy reminiscence sweeps over me.
The music takes on so many meanings.
Funny how such little things
spark such deep thought.
Did you realize how much you were hurting me
when it happened?
Or is it like it is for me?
Hindsight not just 20-20,
so much stronger than that.
So much more seen.
It wasn't healthy.
We weren't right.
But for wrong, we felt pretty damn good.
Didn't we?
Or is it just me again?
"You don't, you don't, you don't, see me"
he sings.
You don't, do you?
Not anymore.
Not the real person inside.
I was trapped as the startled bird,
as the scared little girl,
the one just getting her wings.
For you to see me now would shock you,
on so many levels.
I have come into my own
without you,
but perhaps because of you.
I was too scared to stand alone.
And then you made me stand.
No�
you made me claw myself out of the depths.
And then expected me to stand.
And I did.
So thank you.
Bittersweet
I am a survivor.
I have seen hell in its various guises
and lived each time
to tell the tale.
Family hell.
Friend hell.
Lover hell.
Personal hell.
I am a survivor.
My body is young.
My soul is old, but wise.
Trust me.
I do.
I must.
Eyes are the mirrors of the soul.
Do you see my life written there?
I am a survivor.
Life will touch me,
reach me,
hurt me,
and I will walk on.
Thus I greet the day,
telling the face in the mirror that
this will be a good day.
Like every day.
A good day,
even if my heart breaks
yet again.
I am, after all,
a survivor...
Confirmation of Truth
Distance is imposed.
I try to help, out of the goodness of my heart,
and find my words twisted for the purpose of one I don't care for.
Once upon a time, I loved him.
Once upon a time, he was a friend.
Now he is a stranger.
Out of caring for that old friend, that old lover,
I open wounds that still burn deep.
And I find myself cast in a disparaging light.
Once again, no one will come to my aid.
But now, as then,
I find someone cares,
most unexpectedly.
Someone believes in me, just as I always wanted, needed.
And I am thankful,
for in this I find that it is not me who lacks.
It is he who let me down, twice now, who is not enough.
Does It?
I don't know if it hurts.
I don't know if you can call this hurt.
Does it pain me? Yes.
I suddenly find myself feeling like I didn't mean a thing to you.
And while I know that shouldn't matter,
on some level it does.
Because I know that I gave of myself,
I gave you everything I could
and I feel like you're throwing it back in my face.
Part of me wants to rage at you,
to share my hurt, my pain.
But at the same time, I honestly feel sorry for you.
Must you show off so much?
It's almost sad.
I'm glad you're happy, don't get me wrong.
I'm happy too.
I'm beyond happy.
But I can't help but feel that you lost all feeling for what we were.
Does it wound me?
No.
It makes me sad.
Because it makes me believe that you never knew what you had.
But I'm happy for you all the same.
Because you'll never know what you could have had.
And it'll be better for you that way...
Because I plan on taking this world by storm.
New Challenges
I know no one said this would be easy.
Starting life again from scratch never is.
It's take two for me.
And this time I'm determined to get it right.
Those same mistakes lurk in the shadows, haunting me.
I remember them all too well.
But now I find I make new mistakes.
And I don't want that either!
And that is the possibility that I fear.
Jealousy, possessiveness...
My little demons lurk nearby, always.
My confidence still so fledgling.
I want to clutch at this, make sure I don't lose it too.
But I can't.
I refuse.
And so I look to find my friends, and realize that they have their lives here already.
I'm the one who must adapt.
And I do.
At least...I'm trying to...
Please Don't
Please don't hate me
Please don't feel like I doubt you
I know you care
Please don't expect perfection or patience the first time out
This is new to me, I'm trying.
I don't want to take anyone away from anyone else.
That's what I was afraid of when this all began.
Listening to the heart is dangerous,
but it's a risk I want to take.
And I hope you understand.
I know you care, and I value our friendship.
So please don't give up on me.
Don't Forget...
Where you come from
Where you are
Where you're going
Where you've been
Of these, which is most important?
You can always shape who you are.
But can we demand that you be true to who you were?
to where you came from?
Does independence have limits?
Roots.
They're supposed to be permanent.
But all of a sudden, you're a stranger.
I admit, I've changed too.
But I've changed only as much as it takes to be true.
Only to set free those qualities that were just held back.
But you seem completely new.
You've forgotten home.
You've forgotten years
and months
and days.
Interesting amnesia.
Do you realize your abandonment?
Selling out like those you once hated.
Don't dare criticize.
I refuse to hear.
Perhaps I've changed on the outside,
but the core remains the same.
Dare you say that too?
Or does the mirror reveal a stranger behind your eyes?