 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
TELETHON (PART 3, EASTER)
by Kristin Newbom Kristin’s plays include TELETHON (Trinity Rep/Brown University New Play Festival 2004 and JAW/West-Portland Center Stage 2006), OUR SERIAL REMAINS (Trinity Rep/Brown University New Play Festival 2004 and 2005), EDUCATED FLEAS (commissioned by New City Theatre), HAPPY? (commissioned and produced by Consolidated Works), SAKES ALIVE (produced by The Compound), BLUESTORY (commissioned by A Contemporary Theater, New Play Reading Series, Seattle), THE PIRATE PLAY (commissioned and produced by Youth Theater Northwest), and SUBROSA (commissioned and produced by Alice B. Theater). Before attending Brown University (MFA playwriting 2005), Kristin was Co-founder and Co-artistic director of The Compound, Seattle’s experimental performance group. Her film credits include the screenplay adaptation of HEDDA a feature length film which debuted at Seattle International Film Festival 2004, LOVE DOLL and WEDNESDAY, HANK a feature length documentary, and currently in post-production. Kristin has also directed many plays including; THE INCUBUS ARCHIVES, by W. David Hancock at The Playwrights Center’s Hot House New Play Festival, EURYDICE and THE CLEAN HOUSE, by Sarah Ruhl at The Seattle Rep’s Hot Type New Play Festival, and The Women’s New Play Festival, and FEFU AND HER FRIENDS by Maria Irene Fornes at Cornish College of the Arts. For production rights, please contact the author at [email protected] Production notes: The set is one or two formica covered tables, three uniform chairs and a payphone. On the table, a silver napkin dispenser. Behind and above is a projection screen, on which a Dunkin Donut menu is projected. The lighting is semi-fluorescent. The costumes look cheap, thrown together, second hand. The wheelchairs and crutches are functional. The goldfish, piles of cash and coins are real. 3. EASTER SETTING: Five people at a table in a Dunkin Donuts. They are all dressed as Easter Bunnies. It is morning. CHARACTERS:
The napkins in the dispenser have a special Easter egg design. SCOTT AND ANN HAVE EASTER BASKETS FILLED WITH MULTI-COLORED PLASTIC EGGS. THEY DUMP THEM ON THE TABLE. THEY STRUGGLE TO CRACK THEM OPEN. INSIDE EACH EGG ARE A FEW MEASLY COINS. SHELLY UNWRAPS HER RING POP. SHE HAS IT IN HER MOUTH THROUGHOUT THE SCENE. Jerry: Look at that chick there. Scott: Don’t point. It’s not polite. Ann: God, these eggs are a bitch. ANN POPS OPEN A PLASTIC EGG. COINS SPILL OUT. SHE SORTS. Jerry: She has antenna’s. Scott: It’s a costume. Shelly: It’s weird. Ann: Why is she wearing antenna’s? Jerry: She waved at me. Scott: She likes you. She’s your type. Shelly: Yeah, she’s a freak. Jerry: She’s a honey. Ann: Some people, you know, they just can’t keep it together. I mean, what makes someone get up in the morning and decide today I am going to wear little bee antenna’s? Jerry: I like bees. Scott: Don’t talk about bees. Jerry: Bee’s have it going on. Know what I mean? Shelly: Don’t talk about bee’s. Jerry: Bees rock man, they fuckin’ know the way of the world. Scott: Cut it out, you know how I feel about bees. Jerry: Bees are adaptable. They have survived through the ages, since the beginning of time man. Scott: Cut it out. Jerry: Listen, bees kick ass man. They regenerate life forms. With every fucking move they make they make something else. It is built into their system, it’s like the side effects of their conscious drive. It’s trippy. I’m telling ya, you should take a day sometime, a whole day, and go sit with the bees. It will open you up man. You watch. BUZZZZ. They’re telepathic. BUZZZ- Scott: Jerry! You are this close! Jerry: Woah, chill man, it’s okay, you don’t have to go nuclear. JERRY STANDS, AWKWARDLY. Scott: Where are you going? Jerry: To get you some coffee. You need coffee. Scott: I don’t need coffee. Sit down. Ann: I need coffee, will you get me some? Jerry: Cream and sugar? Ann: Yeah. Here. SHE SEARCHES FOR ENOUGH COINS TO BUY A CUP OF COFFEE. Scott: What are you doing? Ann: What do you mean? Scott: We can’t use that. Ann: Why not? Scott: Budget. Remember? Ann: Oh yeah. Shit. Nevermind. Gary: MEEYYYEE TREEAAAAT. Jerry: Gary’s treat. Shelly: Smell my feet. Jerry: Knock it off Shelly. Ann: Really? Thank you Gary. Gary: Yooouuur Weeelllcccoomme. Jerry: C’mon money bags. GARY WHEELS OFF IN HIS MOTORIZED CHAIR TO GET COFFEE, JERRY FOLLOWS ON HIS CRUTCHES. ANN CAN’T HELP BUT SMILE. Scott: You have a nice smile. Ann: Thanks. So do you. Scott: Thanks. SHELLY HAS BEEN SLOWLY DROOPING IN HER WHEELCHAIR AND IS NOW UNDER THE TABLE, UNNOTICED. ANN AND SCOTT ARE ALONE. SILENCE. Scott: You like baseball? Ann: I love baseball. Scott: Yeah? Ann: So does my daughter. She’s on a team. Scott: Really? Tee-ball? Ann: Coach pitch. Scott: Sweet. Ann: Yeah. She really likes it. Scott: That’s cool. (PAUSE) You like the Red Sox? Ann: Oh man, they break my heart. Scott: But they keep trying. You gotta give ‘em that. Ann: Yeah, I guess that’s why I love ‘em. Think we’ll make the playoffs? Scott: I think we have a good shot. You ever go to the games? Ann: Not lately. Scott: We should go sometime. I know a guy who can get us tickets, set us up. Ann: Really? That’s cool. Scott: Yeah, we should go. Ann: That would be nice. A MOMENT PASSES. JERRY AND GARY COME BACK WITH THE COFFEE. Jerry: Here’s your coffee. ANN TAKES HER CUP OUT OF GARY’S SPECIALIZED CUP HOLDER ON HIS WHEELCHAIR. Ann: Thanks. Scott: Hey, you know Morgan? Jerry: Morgan the night shift guy? He’s an albino. Ann: He’s not an albino. Jerry: He’s white, he’s got pink eyes. He’s an albino. Ann: He doesn’t have pink eyes. Jerry: You can practically see through him. He’s translucent. Ann: He’s British. Jerry: He doesn’t have an accent. Ann: His family is British. Jerry: Whatever. Scott: Anyway, Morgan. Ann: The white guy. Jerry: What about him? Scott: He’s getting married. Ann: No way. To who? Scott: Cindy. Ann: Our Cindy? Team leader Cindy? Scott: Yeah. Ann: No way. I didn’t even know they were together. Scott: She’s pregnant. Ann: No way. Jerry: Albino plus seventh day Cindy? Freaky. Ann: When’s the wedding? Scott: June. Jerry: When’s the creature due? Scott: July. Shelly, what are you doing? Shelly: I found some gum. Scott: You can’t go under the table. It’s inappropriate. Shelly: It’s mint. Jerry: She really annoys me. Scott: Help me get her back in her chair. Jerry: Shelly you are this close. Scott: Ann? Could you help me please? SCOTT HOISTS SHELLY BACK INTO HER CHAIR. Jerry: She does this. It’s embarrassing. I’m gonna knock her on the head. Ann: Just let her be. Shelly: (TO JERRY)You’re bunny foo-foo. Jerry: I need some paper. Scott: Why? Ann: I don’t have any. Jerry: I’ll use a napkin then. Pass the napkin. Scott: Here. Jerry: I need a pen. Scott: What are you doing? Jerry: Just give me a pen. I gotta write something. Scott: I don’t have one. Ann: I do. Hand me my bag. ANN TAKES A GRAY PLASTIC BOX OUT OF HER BAG AND SETS IT ON THE TABLE. Jerry: What’s that box? Ann: My dad. Here’s a pen. (HANDS PEN TO JERRY) Jerry: Thanks. You’re dad’s a box? Shelly: Jack in the box? Ann: It’s his ashes. Shelly: He smokes. Jerry: You are such a tard. Ann: Wanna see? Scott: Why do you have his ashes? Ann: It’s a long story. Shelly: I wanna see. Can I see? I wanna see. ANN OPENS THE BOX AND SHOWS HER THE ASHES. Ann: Don’t spill him. Scott: This is your father? Ann: Yep. Scott: The colonel? Ann: Yep. Scott: Sitting here in this box on the table in dunkin donuts. This is the colonel? The Vet. Ann: This is him. Scott: In this box. Ann: My sister had him delivered C.O.D. Jerry: We were in Nam together. It was rough. Scott: When did he die? Ann: Thanksgiving. He went out to look for the dog and he fell. Hit his head on the cement. Jerry: She pulled the plug. Ann: He was brain dead. Scott: So you’ve been carrying him around with you all this time? SHELLY DIPS HER RING POP SUCKER INTO THE BOX OF ASHES AND LICKS IT. Ann: Shelly! Shelly: What? Ann: Did you just- I can’t believe it! Scott: Oh my god! Shelly: It’s salty. Like chips. Jerry: Honey barbecue? Shelly: Sour cream and onion. Ann: Oh my god! Shelly: Are you mad at me? Ann: You can’t go around dipping and licking peoples ashes! Scott: It’s inappropriate. Jerry: She was gonna double dip. She always double dips. Shelly: I do not. Jerry: I see you. All the time. You stick your dirty little fingers in the pot and lick them off then stick them in again. Shelly: I do not! LONG BEAT. THEY TRY TO RECOVER. JERRY RESUMES WRITING ON THE NAPKIN. SHELLY PUTS THE GUM SHE FOUND FROM UNDER THE TABLE IN HER MOUTH. Scott: (TO ANN) What are you doing with it? Shelly: Chewing it, want some? TAKES GUM OUT HER MOUTH, OFFERS IT TO SCOTT Scott: I’m talking to Ann. Ann: With my dad? I don’t know yet. BEAT. Scott: I have a fire in my belly. Ann: Do you need a Tums? Scott: Not that kind of fire. Ann: It’s extra strength. Scott: You ever feel like you’re missing a kind of a peace inside? Ann: Piece of what? Jerry: I’d like a piece. Ann: You are a piece. Scott: Not that kind of piece. Peace. As in “peace man”. Ann: Like peace and quiet? Scott: Yeah, but it’s like a place. Like you have a peaceful place. Ann: A place to go? Jerry: I go to bed. I crawl in under the covers and shut off. I just shut it all off. Scott: I’m talking about something important. Would you listen to me for one second? BEAT. Jerry: Time’s up. Scott: I give up. Jerry: Yeah man, let it go. Give it up. Scott: I have let go. I’m a barren landscape. There is nothing left. Shelly: Do you need a hug? Jerry: You’ve had a bad day. It’s your allergies. It’s okay. Scott: You don’t need to patronize. Jerry: No, really man. It’s okay. Scott: You have that tone. I hear it. You’re patronizing me. Jerry: Hey man. We’re on your side you don’t need to get so worked up. Shelly: Do you need your allegra? Jerry: Do you need to get laid? Scott: It’s not that. Jerry: You wank? Scott: Yeah, I wank. Who doesn’t wank? Jerry: I wank Shelly: I wank Ann: I wank Gary: Eeeeyee waaahhnk Scott: See. We all wank. Let’s move on. Jerry: Does your tooth hurt? Maybe you should go to the dentist? Shelly: I hate the dentist. Scott: Who doesn’t hate the dentist? Jerry: I love the dentist. I get the gas. I love gas. Shelly: I love Scott. He gave me this. (SHOWING OFF HER RING POP LIKE AN ENGAGEMENT RING) I’m going to marry him. JERRY GRUNTS Scott: What? Jerry: My chakra is blocked. (GRUNT) Ann: What are you talking about, chakra? Jerry: I have a chakra and it’s blocked. (GRUNT) Ann: Where? Jerry: Here. Ann: You’ve gone over the edge. Jerry: It’s blocked. I need to clear it. (GRUNT) Scott: Where’d you get all this? Jerry: What? Ann: He’s been watching too much cable. Shelly: I love cable. Scott has cable. Ann: We need to put him back on the chip system. Shelly: Jerry cheats. It won’t work. He cheats. Jerry: (LOUD GRUNT) I don’t cheat. Shelly: He steals chips. Jerry: I don’t steal chips. (ANOTHER LOUD GRUNT) How can I steal chips? It’s a log. There aren’t actual chips. There is nothing to steal. Shelly: He steals, I saw him! Jerry: (A FINAL GRUNT AND A SIGH. HE STANDS) My name is hubris the monad gypsy I have come to free my people. Follow me. Ann: You need to brush your teeth. Your breath stinks. Shelly: (TO SCOTT) I brush. I use the water pick. See? Scott: That’s good Shelly. SCOTT TAKES OFF HIS BUNNY EARS AND RUBS HIS TEMPLES. Scott: Oh, my head. Shelly: Do you need a hug? Jerry: We’re expandable, like the universe. Scott: We build our house of sticks. Ann: What? Scott: Nothing. Jerry: I think you have a blocked chakra. Scott: I don’t have a blocked chakra. Ann: How can you tell? Jerry: I can read his aura. It’s smudged. Scott: I can’t get worked up right now. Shelly: Sure you don’t want my gum? Scott: I’ve tried to do the right thing. I’ve lived my life watching where I step. I’ve tried to think of others. I’ve tried to be kind. I’ve tried to do what’s right. Shelly: What’s right? Scott: But somehow someone always ends up getting hurt. I don’t know what to do. Jerry: It’s just noise. Scott: I walk around in this day. I go from here to there. I see people. I interact. Some people, they see me too. Some people don’t. I make an effort to recognize the spark between us. A spark inside another. A spark that is awake. Jerry: How many people are truly awake? Ann: There is a dampening. What is that? BEAT. Scott: I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve lost track. Ann: Do you want to go home? Jerry: Maybe you’re an alien. E.T. phone home. Shelly: I love E.T. He’s cute. Jerry: Are you a spy? Shelly: Spies are hot. Jerry: I’m a spy. Shelly: You’re a spud. Jerry: Spud spy. See these crutches? They’re semi-automatic. Shelly: You’re semi-automatic. Jerry: Maybe you’re depressed. Want some Zoloft? How ‘bout Xanex? Shelly: Are you Zorro? Jerry: Don’t tell me you’re Batman or Superman or something gay like that. Gary: Aaaahhmm Ssooopahhhmahhhn. Shelly: Gary’s Superman. Scott can’t be Superman. SHELLY GRABS FOR THE BOX OF ASHES Shelly: I’m a pixie. I have dust. Ann: Shelly! Give that back. ANN GRABS THE BOX BACK. HOLDS IT TIGHT. Jerry: I know- You’re D.B. Cooper. Shelly: I love T.V. Bloopers. I watch with Scott. We laugh. Ann: Who’s D.B. Cooper? Jerry: The guy who stole a million dollars, hijacked a plane, and jumped. They never found him. Shelly: What about the money? Scott: Would you guys just cut it out. Jerry: I know, you’re a serial killer. You go from town to town massacring spuds. Ann: Hey, he said lay off. Jerry: Only his victims are tards and gimps instead of prostitutes. Not a lot of struggle. Easier to fuck. Scott: That’s enough! SCOTT STANDS UP IN A RAGE KNOCKING OVER THE TABLE. PLASTIC EGGS AND COINS SCATTER EVERWHERE COFFEE SPILLS. IT’S A MESS. BEAT. Jerry: Woah, it’s okay man, it’s cool. We can chill. THEY CHILL. Scott: Thank you. SCOTT SITS, A LITTLE STUNNED. ANN BEGINS TO CLEAN UP THE MESS. Jerry: I wrote a poem. Wanna hear? (READS THE POEM WRITTEN ON HIS NAPKIN) Talk about things that nobody cares. Wearing out things that nobody wears. You’re calling my name but I gotta make clear. I can’t say baby where I’ll be in a year. Some sweet talking mama with a face like a gent. Said my get up and go musta got up and went. Well I got news, she’s a real good liar. Cuz my backstage boogie put your pants on fire. I pulled into town in the police car. Your daddy said I took you just a little too far. You’re telling them things but your girlfriend lied. You can’t catch me, cuz the rabbit done died. Yes it did. BEAT. Shelly: You didn’t write that. Jerry: Yes I did. Shelly: That’s a song. Jerry: I just wrote it. See? SHOWS HER THE NAPKIN. Ann: It’s Aerosmith. Jerry: It’s a poem. It’s about emotions. It’s emotional. Scott: I got a new job. BEAT. Ann: What? Scott: I got a new job. I’m leaving. SILENCE GARY STARTS TO CRY Jerry: See! I told you, it’s emotional. Ann: For real? Jerry: Yeah man, it’s art, it stirs up the psyche. Shelly: Gary’s getting snot on his computer. Ann: You’re leaving? SHELLY GRABS JERRY’S POEM NAPKIN AND BEGINS TO WHEEL HERSELF OVER TO GARY. Jerry: What are you doing? Shelly: Helping Gary. Here Gary, use this napkin. Jerry: Hey man, that’s my art! Give that back! Scott: They’re moving me. Ann: What? Jerry: She stole my art! Shelly: It’s okay Gary. Scott: They’re moving me. JERRY STANDS, AWKWARDLY, AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR. Jerry: That’s it. I’m outta here. Shelly: (TO ANN) Hey! He’s leaving! Ann: (TO SCOTT) Moving you where? A different house? Jerry: I get my lovin’ on the run. Scott: They’re moving me up. A got a promotion. JERRY LEAVES Shelly: Jerry left! CALL 911! SHELLY ROLLS HERSELF SLOWLY TOWARDS THE PAY PHONE. Ann: A promotion? To what? Scott: Human resources. ANN IS SILENT GARY RECOVERS SLOWLY. Ann: So. You get benefits? Scott: I get the package. Ann: And a raise. Scott: Hopefully I can make some change. Ann: Change? Scott: You know, in the organization. Ann: I’m sure you will. Scott: But it’s gonna take a while, ya know? These things take a while. Ann: It’s a process. Scott: It’s tough. Money’s tight. There’s been a lot of cuts, you know, in the budget and- we’ve tried to scale back, carve out overhead without having to lay people off, but it’s impossible. We’ll have to cut some, you know, positions. BEAT Scott: I’m sorry. Ann: Sorry for what? What are you talking about? Scott: I went to bat for you, I really did. GARY TAKES A SHARP HARD BREATH. ANN FINALLY GETS IT. Ann: Fuck. GARY CRIES AGAIN. Ann: They’re letting me go. Scott: I’m sorry. I tried everything I could but…I couldn’t- Ann: I’m cut. Scott: I’m sorry, I tried, I just can’t- Ann: Fuck. Scott: I can’t- (SHORT BREATH) I can’t- (SHORT BREATH) Ann: (TO SCOTT) Breath. Just breath. It’s... It’s just a job. Right? Scott: But it’s not- (SHORT BREATH) Ann: It happens. It’s a job. (PAUSE, BREATH) We’re expendable. Scott: What? Shelly: Expandable. Ann: Expendable. Foot soldiers in service to the King. Scott: What? Ann: Fucking dime a dozen. We should go. Where’s my purse? SHE REALIZES IT’S ON HER SHOULDER. Ann: Oh Duh, here it is. C’mon Shelly. SIMULTANEOUS TO ANN: Shelly: Where are we going? Scott: Where are you going? Ann: Disarm the spud missile. SHELLY HAS FINALLY MANAGED TO MAKE IT TO THE PHONE AND IS BEGINNING TO DIAL 911. Shelly: But I wanna call 911. Ann: Some other time. C’mon. SHE ROLLS SHELLY AWAY FROM THE PHONE. THE RECEIVER DANGLES ON THE CORD. SIMULTANEOUSLY TO SCOTT: Shelly: Here’s your ring back. Ann: Meet you out front? HE DOESN’T ANSWER AGAIN, SIMULTANEOUSLY: Ann: Scott? Shelly: Scott? Scott: Huh? Ann: Meet you out front. Shelly: Your ring. Scott: What? Ann: In the driveway. Scott: Oh. Okay. SHELLY GIVES HIM THE RING POP. ANN PUSHES SHELLY OUT. SCOTT REMAINS AT THE TABLE. GARY CRIES. A MOMENT PASSES. BLACKOUT. THE DUNKIN DONUT MENU GOES BLANK. 4. FOURTH OF JULY THE STAGE IS DARK AND EMPTY. A FILM IS PROJECTED ON THE BLANK MENU SCREEN. SHAKY HOME FOOTAGE OF A 4TH OF JULY PARADE IN A SMALL TOWN... PEOPLE ON FLOATS. COSTUMES. WAVING. KIDS ON BIKES. DOGS. CLOWNS. A MARCHING BAND. STARS AND STRIPES. THE WHOLE DEAL. A WOMAN’S VOICE IS HEARD, THROUGH THE DANGLING PAY PHONE RECEIVER: Yeah, I know. It’s strange how things happen. Uh huh. Remember that night out on the driveway? No. September. Because the sunflowers had stopped blooming. I picked the last three and brought them in. They were a little mangled, but they looked okay. Yeah. No. We had just come back from dinner. You took us to that little restaurant in your old neighborhood. What was it? Yeah, Sam’s Wiener House. That’s right. Uh huh. Nine wieners with everything on them, six orders of fries, four milkshakes, a diet coke and a sprite. God. The kids sat at the counter. Spun around and around on the stools while we talked. The first house you bought. The dog you had before the kids were born. That tattoo you got in the army. Your job. Those guys you had to fire. Your brothers and sisters. The town where you grew up. The Sunday morning flea market. Your grandmother’s farm. The stack of Penthouses and bag of weed you had hid in her shed. How your parents died. Your first girlfriend. What was her name? Oh yeah. You knew just when to leave. Before the kids threw up from too much spinning. I offered to pay. You said it was your treat. On the way back you showed us the best trick or treat house. The one where the guy dressed up in stilts as Uncle Sam? Remember? Yeah. When we got back we stood there in the driveway. The kids rode their bikes around and around And the sky turned from blue to orange. You only had a few minutes before you had to go. You looked so sad that night. We want to make sense of it all. Want to grasp onto some kind of reason for the hurt. It all goes by so quickly doesn’t it? They are ripped from us. All of them. They come into our lives. The people we care for Or who take care of us. The ones we love and look after. The ones who love us back Despite it all. And then they go. Sometimes in a flash Without any warning. Other times in a long and lingering dance. Yet the wars continue. One grows into the next. Kings and queens are killed and born again. Discoveries, great works of art and riches are made, displayed and forgotten. We learn to spell. We memorize the vocabulary words and dutifully we take the tests. Our tiny world builds upon itself. Accumulates. Like soap bubbles in the bath. We gaze at ourselves, naked And we wonder- This world we are creating, is it - What? Oh, that’s okay I should go too. Yeah. Okay. I will. Take care. DIALTONE. THE FILM WINDS OUT. END OF PLAY. |