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THE IMPOTENT GENERAL, PART II
A Play in Four Parts by Gary Winter Gary Winter’s plays include At Said (PS 122); The Lake and Aeneas (Flea Theater); Golem and Dead Reckoning (Cherry Lane Alternative); Jigsaw Nation (Relentless Theater Company); Execution of a Reindeer and The Impotent General (Brick Theater);
Straw (Little Theater). He occasionally reviews art, books and theater for The Brooklyn Rail, and volunteers as Literary Manager for The Flea Theater in NYC. Member, OBIE winning 13P: 13 playwrights who self-produce. www.13p.org
CHARACTERS:
SETTING:
stupidity is evolvingTHE IMPOTENT GENERAL was performed as part of Brick Theater’s $ellout Festival in June, 2006. This play is for Lydia and Joshua. Extraordinary liberty was taken in quoting and misquoting Tadeuz Rozewicz, Clement Greenberg, Cervantes, Li Po, Agnes Martin and Henry Nash Smith. THE IMPOTENT GENERAL PART 2 teeth Two pairs of teeth. One aged and real (Sid), the other plastic and fake (Bernice). There are no live actors in this scene-only the voices are heard. Place: A bustling museum in a cosmopolitan city. BERNICESo this is the Roch-en-berg exhibition. SID RAUSCH! He’s not a roach. Rauschenberg. He’s famous. You know how much one of these things cost? BERNICE I didn’t say he was a roach. SID I heard what you said-I’m not deaf. BERNICE So sue me. I paid the admission I can call him what I want. SID Oy these crowds. And on a Tuesday afternoon. BERNICE It’s like a concentration camp in here. SID What kind of crazy comparison is that? Are you out of your mind? Since when is a famous museum a concentration camp? BERNICE Because people are pushing and shoving. Did you see the line to the ladies room? SID Oy gevalt. Listen to this woman. Here we are with all these greatest arts in the whole world and she talks concentration camps. Macy’s-that’s a concentration camp. BERNICE So how come I never heard of Rauschenberg if he’s so famous? It’s not like Jackson Pollack, with the drips. Him I heard of. SID Pollack shmollack. He’s a one-trick pony. They like him because he’s easy to teach to school kids. BERNICE So this thing here is what-what does the sign say-where are my glasses-did I leave them in the toilet-Sid I don’t have my glasses-what does that say? Sid? Sid? Where are you? SIDNEY! SID Stop shouting! We’re in a museum for God’s sake! I’m right here. Okay, it says here, that these paintings are called Combines. BERNICE What? A Combine? A Combine? Isn’t that something the farmers use-with the grain and the wheat and the hay and the shmutz. SID The sign says here he combined things. He combined many different things. Cans, and paper and wood and dolls and glass and goats. And then he even paints them a little. What a clever fellow. BERNICE So what’s so special about that? My two-year-old grandson does that every day. SID Are you going to talk about our mishugana grandson or are you going to look at art? BERNICE I’m sure Mr. Rauschenberg, with all his fancy money, could care less if I look at his art. and don’t talk about my grandson that way in a public place. SID You make great art like this you can make a million dollars. BERNICE It’s all a scam Sidney. This is not about art it’s about who got the biggest shmekela I tell you. SID How can you say such a thing? These museums know great art. BERNICE Bah! You don’t got to tell me what art is. My mother, rest her soul, she would sit up half the night just to knit the tassel on little wool hat-now SHE was an artist! SID Do you see her hats with the tassel in the museum? BERNICE Okay, fine, read me what else it says I should know about Mr. Combine. Oy gevalt where did I leave my glasses? Oh I hope not in the toilet, someone will sit on them I paid thirty-five dollars... SID Okay, stop with the glasses, you have six extra pairs at home. Now, it says here, Ah, the artist says... BERNICE Is he dead? SID Alive, dead-same thing. Now shut-up and listen... BERNICE Shut-up? Okay I’m listening Mr. Big Shot. SID He says: My work..bla bla..People combine jewelry with a bee-hive hairdo, with lipstick with scarves with ties with necklaces with rings with clothing with shoes every day. So, in effect, people are like Combines. Look at yourself in the mirror before going out-think about how strange some of the items you wear might seem to a Martian or someone from an uncivilized part of the world. Are these Combines any stranger? What kind of crazy thing is this to say, comparing Art to hairdos and jewelry? BERNICE I can’t believe I lost my glasses again. Don’t run away to the bathroom Sid I’ll get killed. SID Nobody’s going to kill you in the museum. BERNICE Okay, just warn me-you never warn me when you go to the bathroom. SID I always warn you. You want I should send up a flare? BERNICE Very funny, my life is at stake and he jokes. SID Okay, let’s go over here..come look at the goat..we have to look at the goat with the tire. BERNICE There are no benches. SID I think that man just asked the security guard the price. BERNICE In a museum? What is he out of his mind? SID There are collectors here. Could you believe? In a major museum! BERNICE Everywhere you go, everything is for sale. I always say that-everything has a price. SID Not here though! Not in a museum for God’s sake! Oy is nothing sacred! BERNICE He acts like this is a department store. Disgusting. SID The nerve of the man. I should go say something... BERNICE Sid! These people who buy art are crazy. Stay away! SID Okay, okay, but they should kick the bastard out. BERNICE Everything is for sale these days Sid. SID Everything is a business. Everything. You can’t escape it. BERNICE Sid, Sid! What’s that young man writing in his notebook? SID Bernice-get away from that kid-get away. He’s writing. He’s a student-get away-leave him alone. BERNICE Say sonny-what are you writing there? SID I said leave him alone! Look what you did-he’s running away. You scared him away. BERNICE How can I scare him away? I’m sixty years older than him. SID Well you did. BERNICE He was writing about us Sid-I saw-he was writing what we were saying. SID Who gives a damn what we say? What, he’s gonna write a play and become a millionaire? BERNICE You never know. I hear that’s how Arthur Miller started out. SID Oh God this woman... Voice of a man selling pickles is heard. BERNICEYou hear that Sid? SID What? BERNICE Look-over there. SID I don’t see anything. BERNICE The man with the pickle barrel. SID Oh, I thought that was a combine. BERNICE He’s selling pickles in the middle of the museum. SID How about that. BERNICE I never heard of such a thing. This isn’t a museum it’s a shopping mall! SID I wonder if they’re kosher? BERNICE Next you know they’ll be selling ice cream. Ice cream vendor is heard. Sound of pickle and ice cream vendors may be heard throughout the rest of this section-also, voices of other types of vendors may chime in. SIDI’ll be right back. BERNICE Where are you going? SID The pickles are making me hungry. BERNICE Hungry? SID You want a sour or half-sour pickle? BERNICE Neither! Who eats pickles in a museum? SID Hey these aren’t half bad. Sure you don’t want one? BERNICE I’m sure, I’m sure. Okay-where are the benches Sid? I can’t stand up anymore. SID I don’t see the benches. BERNICE I’m dying. How do they expect you to stand here all day? SID Hey, look at this one-it has a rooster with a broken head. BERNICE It’s like a dream. SID Very odd. BERNICE I think those other paintings are much easier to look at. Oy, I need a bench. SID C’mon, you can’t be tired-we just got here. Let’s look at the goat in the tire. It’s the one in the brochure. BERNICE Don’t tell I’m not tired. SID You’re always complaining about something. Now look at the goat in the tire. BERNICE Did I complain when we drove down to Cleveland for that Picasso exhibit? No. I don’t want to look at the goat in the tire. SID It’s famous-it’s in the brochure. It’s worth 14 million dollars. Now THAT’S a work of art! BERNICE I told you I don’t care about a goat in a tire. SID You don’t care because you only care about yourself. Now look at this goat in the tire. We paid good admission to see the goat in the tire so look at it. BERNICE We gave them fifty cents each. SID Well I’m not a Rockefeller. BERNICE Who puts a tire around a goat and calls it Art? The poor goat-they had to kill a goat for this? SID They didn’t kill the goat-he found it in a store. BERNICE So what’s he trying to prove? SID Nothing. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just Art. BERNICE It sells for a billion dollars and it doesn’t mean anything? SID It’s like..it’s a look. It’s for looks. BERNICE What are you an art historian all of a sudden? What does that mean-it’s a look? That fancy art dealer over there I bet is going to spend 20 million dollars for the goat and you say it’s for looks? SID That’s what a Combine is. That’s what it says. BERNICE That’s crazy talk. For 20 million dollars it better be more than a look. SID Ok. You got new teeth right? BERNICE Ah-here we go with the teeth again. Did they cost a million dollars? SID I’m just saying-why’d you get new teeth? BERNICE So I look nice. SID Aha!! You see!! BERNICE What does my new teeth have to do with a goat and a tire around it? Have you lost your mind Sid? You take your pills? SID It’s two fake objects stuck together to make something else. Just for looks. So you got these fake teeth stuck into your head, and then you become something else. That’s why you’re like the goat with the tire around it. You’re a...a.. Combine. BERNICE You’re calling me a Combine? This is what you call your wife of 53 years? A Combine? Do I look like a Combine to you? SID Look..I was happy with the way you were. But everyone is so convinced they have to look like they’re twenty years old until they are dead. It’s just making these dentists and these plastic surgeons and these...what...Botox people..it’s making them all rich. Art for sale! Our bodies up for sale! What next! BERNICE Stop shouting! You’re embarrassing me! I am not up for sale-you talk to me like I’m some kind of prostitute. SID Who tells you to go spend all our money on plastic teeth? BERNICE Look at you with you’re rotting teeth-you want I should walk around with my gums hanging out? SID I’m just saying, you’re two things stuck together. I wasn’t criticizing...I was very happy the way you were..where are you going..Bernice..I’m just making an analogy...where are you going...we haven’t seen the rest of the exhibit...c’mon Bernice...okay you’re not for sale...I’m for sale... BERNICE I’m going to the theater. I’ll call Jane and we’ll go see a matinee. REAL people go to the theater. Not idiots like you. SID I’m just saying..you didn’t need to sell your body to...Bernice..Bernice.... Pause. Transition music or sound. CONTINUED IN NEXT ISSUE |