Day 189

Bobby can't get over how incensed he feels. It is a slow burning anger that has been festering from the moment Rebecca told him of Hinks' return. His initial reaction was fear and concern for Lindsay but that was quickly replaced with fury. A fury that was directed not at Hinks but at his wife. He leans against Ellenor's desk, listening to Lindsay and Lucy explain what Helen said their options were.

As Lucy takes over the narrative Lindsay looks up and, for the first time since arriving back at the office, catches Bobby's eye. Her brow furrows due to the emotion she sees there. Knowing he's made his point Bobby walks into his office slamming the door as he enters. The group gathered around Lucy's desk spins around in reaction to the caustic sound. Curious looks are exchanged before they again turn to Lucy to continue her tale.

Lindsay is undecided what her action should be. That Bobby is consumed with a fury desperate to explode is not in question, but what she should do is. Would giving him time and space only cause it to escalate or would it allow him to regroup and calm down? As much as self preservation tells her to stay away the fact he is hurting draws her to him.

As she enters the office she sees him at his desk, pen in hand poised appearing ready to write but she can tell by the pressure he's asserting on the paper if he were to write it would merely tear it. No his studious demeanor is a front. He pays no attention to her entering and ignores her quiet greeting. She sits down on the couch willing him to at least meet her eyes. She finds his silent disdain unnerving. She'd expected concern, she'd expected solicitousness, she'd expected cloying reassurances and offered strength, she never envisaged accusatory anger. She doesn't understand Bobby's reaction and she doesn't like it one bit.

"Bobby?" she asks impatient for acknowledgement and is horrified at how pathetic her voice sounds but at least it commanded his notice. His eyes rise and she wonders why she'd so wanted to see them. Black with fury they cut into her. She opens her mouth to comment but his head begins moving from side to side and she waits sensing he's about to speak. When his words are issued they are spoken quietly. To an outsider their manner may even have seemed calm but Lindsay, knowing the nuances of Bobby's voice intimately, hears the underlying emotion loud and clear. She's heard him angry before. She's even had that anger directed at her but never to this degree.

"Don't you EVER keep something like that from me again!"

His fury is ignited when she briefly sighs before saying "Bobby I just..."

He's out of his chair striding determinedly towards her "I don't want to hear your excuses. I want your assurance you will NEVER do that again."

Her own defences are rattled now and she stands and hits back with "I'm being harassed by a psychotic killer and you're angry at ME?"

He looks at her and angrily says "Thank you ... right there Lindsay, that's the first time I've heard it from you." She's surprised as the implications of his words and the pain of guilt hits home. As if seeing this he continues in a softer but still aggrieved tone "I should have heard it from you."

Lindsay had never considered this reaction. She was so determined to sort the situation out herself that she never thought what keeping it quiet would do to Bobby. Last night Ellenor had argued they should tell him but Lindsay had insisted Bobby had enough on his plate already with the Lupino case. She should have known he'd find out, it's not like anyone here can keep anything quiet. She stumbles over an excuse "It all happened so fast there was no time"

She realises her error by his acrimonious reaction "Oh come on! That's not true and you know it! Don't lie to me Lindsay. Respect me enough not to do that. This had nothing to do with time it was a deliberate exclusion and you know damn well why!"

"I ..."

He doesn't allow her to continue "How do you think it felt to hear about this from Rebecca? My wife is terrified, she's being harassed and she doesn't even tell me! She lies next to me at night. She lets me make love to her but she won't talk to me. What does that say about us Lindsay? How do you think hearing that made me feel?" he turns away trying to curb the emotion rising in him "You should have told me Lindsay!"

She cannot deny the truth of his words or the pain she saw in his eyes. "Bobby I'm ... "

He turns back and again speaks over her. He's been waiting for her return and all the thoughts swirling in his head are now desperate to be voiced. "Lindsay you're carrying our child ... 'our child' ... you placed our child's life at risk and you don't even tell me ... you shut me out and that's wrong. I have a right to know. When it comes to the welfare of 'our child' Lindsay the decision is ours, not yours not mine, OURS!

"I know that."

"Do you?"

"Yes!" she takes a tentative step towards him "I'm sorry Bobby ... I didn't mean to shut you out I ... I just didn't think..."

"I'm sick of being punished for something I didn't do Lindsay!"

"What?" Lindsay is surprised at the turn in the conversation.

"You're angry at yourself and taking it out on me."

She looks at him in confusion "I'm not ... I just..."

"You didn't tell me Hinks had returned because you didn't want to hear me say I told you so, well Lindsay despite what you think I was never going to say it! What I would have said is ..." he stops and turns away from her.

"What?" she asks.

He shakes his head "I won't say it in anger" and begins to walk to the door.

She grabs his arm before he gets there "Then don't say it but please don't walk out" he pauses and looks at her "Please let me try to explain" she implores.

"Fine" he shakes her off and walks to the arm chair. He sits then looks up at her challengingly "Explain."

She walks to the couch and sits. She looks at him his anger is so intense she doubts there is anything she can say to appease him right now. "I am sorry" she offers knowing he needs more than that but still feeling it needs to be said. She is sorry. It was never her intention to hurt him.

"Friday night when you were ... Lindsay you jumped every time the phone rang, he phoned you before I came home didn't he?"

"Yes" she admits hating that she has to, knowing that she's only going to cause him more pain. She watches him react to her admission. His elbows rest on his knees and his hands cover his face rubbing his temples. When he drops his hands again he looks at her with raw emotion. That she's caused such anguish and sorrow causes tears to threaten to fall. She fights to keep them in. She knows what they do to him and it's unfair of her to hurt him further now.

"Lindsay why?" he asks despondently "How could you keep this from me?"

"It's not that I expected condemnation from you Bobby, I truly didn't. I do know you better than that but ... you're right I was angry at myself ... I was angry I got us into this and I ... I wanted to be the one to get us out of it. Can you understand that?"

He looks down at his joined hands without answering. He doesn't understand, she's sure of that but at least now he is listening. She can only hope he can hear how sorry she is.

"I didn't think about how you'd feel Bobby I'll admit that ... I didn't think about the danger to myself or ..." she pauses not quite willing to admit she'd placed their child in danger. In truth it's something she never did allow herself to consider. It hurts her now to think she could have done it. He looks up when she doesn't continue to speak and she sees him wanting to understand. She takes a deep breath and again tries to explain "I just ... really there was nothing you could do about it and I didn't ... I wanted to fix it without having to get you involved. You're already so busy and ... I just thought I could fix it."

"I wish you believed in me." he says so quietly she barely hears him.

At first Lindsay thinks she must have heard wrong but the expression on his face so perfectly reflects the words. "Bobby, I do!" she assures him, horrified that he thinks otherwise.

"You don't believe I can protect you."

She looks away from him giving substance to his words. She loves him but she no more expects him to be able to protect her than she expects to be able to protect him. With all they've seen, the horrors they've encountered she knows they have no defense against evil if it comes looking for them.

Bobby rises from the chair and sits in front of her on the coffee table. Resting his hands on her knees he says "I know I wasn't there with Vogelman, I know I let you down then and not a day goes by that I don't regret that ..."

Her hand raises and her fingers brush over his lips "Bobby NO!"

He grips her wrist and moves her hand away "But Lindsay if you don't tell me what's happening how can you expect me to know the danger you're in? I can't be there for you if you don't tell me what is going on. At least give me a chance. Talk to me, help me help you."

She nods determined to never shut him out again.

"You hurt me" he says quietly. There is no accusation in his tone it's just a statement of a fact he feels she needs to know.

"I know Bobby" she turns her hand in his grip until there fingers are joined. "I am sorry ... I just ... I wanted to fix it. You didn't want me to take the case and you were right and..."

"Lindsay!" he sighs " I wasn't questioning your judgement. You were right to take it."

"You didn't say that at the time."

"As your husband of course I didn't want you to take it, but you know that had nothing to do with the merits of the case. I just ... I didn't want him anywhere near my wife, guilty or innocent I didn't care ... I don't like you near men like that."

"It's my job Bobby"

"I know that it doesn't stop me wanting all your clients to be 80 year old women."

She smiles "Bobby there are some pretty crazy old ladies around too"

He doesn't laugh at her attempt at a joke instead they look at each other. Each hoping to convey what words are failing to express.

A knock is heard on the door and as Bobby calls out "What?" Lindsay quickly rises from the couch, rushing to his bathroom, not wanting to be seen in her current state.

"We have to go" Eugene says popping his head in.

"Give me a minute" Bobby replies quickly.

"Now!" Eugene insists.

"I said I need a minute!" Bobby rises from the table and ignoring Eugene's frustrated stare follows Lindsay into the bathroom.

He runs his hand over her back and she turns and hugs him. His arms engulf her, his cheek rests against her head. No words are spoken or movements made, they merely hold one another tight. The need for resolution mutual. Knowing he has to go he pulls away and framing her face with his hands kisses her forehead.

"I have to go" he whispers and she nods. Bobby lightly brushes his lips against hers before leaving her. When he reaches the door to his office he turns and hesitantly says "Lindsay?" She looks up at him. "I won't be long ... will you wait for me here?"

Lindsay nods ok and Bobby smiles softly at her before walking through the door. Her tears fall freely now. She knows he's forgiven her but now she needs to forgive herself and the crime of hurting Bobby is not one she takes lightly.

Day 190

Bobby watches as Scott Wallace is led out of the office. The introspective defeated look on his face cuts like a shard into Bobby's heart. He warns Scott not to speak to anyone and reminds the detective to honour the 6th amendment then rushes to his office, needing its familiarity and comfort. What a day he thinks as he sinks dejectedly onto the couch. His elbows rest on his knees but his hands are restless as he wills the pain inside to subside. He needs to be doing something, the anguish he's feeling leaves him wanting to destroy something. He wants power, ferocity, release. He'd trash the office if he felt it would do any good but he knows there has already been too much destruction. He needs to regain control not to give in to emotion.

His thoughts swirl. How could this have happened? Why didn't he see this coming? It was obvious Scott was upset, why didn't he pay more attention? Could he have stopped this? He can't keep doing this, hurting people he cares about because he's preoccupied with a client who is little more than scum. Why when Scott needed him did he get caught up defending that bastard Francis Lupino? It's so unbelievable. How the hell did this happen?

Bobby hears the door shut and knows Lindsay is there. He needs her so much right now. He needs to take her in his arms and let it all out. Take the comfort she can always give. Her soft words and gentle touch are a healing balm to his broken heart and psyche.

"You ok?" she asks as she perches on the arm of the couch. Her hand kneads his shoulder, then moves to rub over his back. He can already feel some of the anguish slipping away as a result of just having her near.

"I don't know ..." he admits He won't hide his pain from her, he needs her too much right now to do that. "How could..." he begins to ask but she answers before he has to voice the horrible truth.

"He was on the edge Bobby."

"Should I ... should we have seen this coming?" He corrects himself. Knowing she won't want to hear him to take on any blame.

"No I mean how could anybody...." her voice trails off and he's not sure why. The comforting tone is gone when she again speaks "What's that?"

He looks up and notices a parcel on his desk. When did that arrive he thinks as he says "I don't know." He stands and walks to it, sensing her hesitancy and concern as she follows him. There is a card attached which he takes off and reads aloud "To Lindsay with affection."

He looks at her, offering her the chance to take over, but she doesn't need to say in words that she wants nothing to do with this gift. Bobby can see by the set of her shoulders and jaw she's afraid. As she makes no further move towards him or the parcel he takes it on himself to open it. His curiosity is quickly replaced with surprise by what he finds. Lifting the restless puppy out of the box he says amazed "It's a little dog ..." he looks at her unimpressed face and asks "Who's sending you a dog?"

Lindsay knows exactly who would have sent such a gift and she wants nothing to do with it. She backs away slowly and concerned Bobby walks around the desk towards her. She doesn't want it near her and looks up at him and says "It's from him" her voice alerting him to how distasteful the idea is.

He stops advancing on her and is about to ask 'him who?' when he remembers the last time they were together in this office and how angry he was she hadn't told him of William Hinks' return.

"How do you know?" he asks not seeing the connection.

"He met his victims walking dogs Bobby."

The implication that this is signalling she is the next victim hits him and he immediately leaves the room. Lindsay hears the squeal of delight from Lucy and sinks onto the couch. Bobby is by her side almost immediately and drawing her close to him.

"I'm ok" she says "It was just an unpleasant surprise that's all."

"Well get rid of the dog" he says.

"I'd like to see you try" Lindsay says and smiles at him. He looks at her confused so she says "Just listen."

He does and hears lively chatter outside his office walls. He rises annoyed by them but Lindsay pulls him back down to her side "They need this Bobby leave them ... it's ok."

"You sure?"

"Yes ... It was a cute puppy I just ... just right now I didn't want to see him."

"I won't let Hinks hurt you" Bobby says caressing her cheek.

Lindsay knows he needs to believe that. She also knows he needs to deal with his emotions over Scott Wallace before he bottles them too tight to ever be released. "I know you won't Bobby" she says then looks at him "And with Scott you can't start blaming yourself. Nobody could have seen this coming."

Bobby slumps against the back of the couch. His head thrown back as he expels a deep breath "What a day" he sighs. After a moment of silence he quietly states "Eugene says it's time I get out of criminal law."

"What? Why? What's got into him?" Lindsay practically shouts, fury rising in her at the perceived insult to Bobby.

Bobby looks over at her and smiles amused at Lindsay's indignation with Eugene "Hey hey shhhhhhh it's ok I agreed with him."

This surprises her more than Eugene's statement. "You did? ... Bobby? Why?"

"I couldn't do it today Lindsay. I couldn't put the victim out of my mind and concentrate only on the client." His hand strokes over her arm but his eyes drop to her abdomen. "It was a child ... and ... I couldn't put her out of my mind ... I lied to Francis, tricked him into giving her location. They knew he had her but they had nothing on him. Whether they would ever have proved it beyond reasonable doubt is debatable but I was more concerned with getting the girl back ..." he looks back up at her his eyes hesitant and concerned "I couldn't put her out of my mind."

Lindsay looks at him. Honestly none of this comes as a surprise to her. He's been struggling for a while now. Something she first noticed when he worked to get Stanton Pierce convicted. At the time she thought it was a one time thing, a totally unexplainable random act of indignation but since then she's realized it's more, the system is starting to grate on Bobby. It's hard to stay noble when you have trouble facing yourself in the mirror each morning.

"Maybe he's right" Lindsay says and Bobby winces and turns away from her. She knows he was hoping for reassurance from her but what she's promised him is honesty not platitudes. Lindsay reaches for his hand "Bobby look at me." The pain in his eyes when he does brings tears to hers. "I'm proud of you" she says emphatically.

"I lied to a client to elicit a confession ... so much for my obligation to protect his rights."

His voice is tinged with scorn so she reminds him of the reality of what he did. "Bobby today you saved a child's life. Francis chose this situation Alessa didn't and as far as I'm concerned her innocence supersedes any obligation you had. I'm proud of you!"

"It's not that black and white Lindsay"

"Well it should be" she says decisively and he laughs. He loves the fact Lindsay believes the system would be perfect if only it followed her rules. He's spent many a night getting her flustered playing devils advocate by coming up with hypotheticals to destroy her so called idilic tenets. She smiles and moves to rest against his chest. Today they don't need one of Bobby's abstract theories real life has them spinning enough as it is.

"I'm happy with the result Lindsay I really am .. I couldn't have ... we got her back alive and that's great but ... the system can't work if no one adheres to it."

"Bobby these were exceptional circumstances."

"And Scott's?"

She sits up and looks at him confused.

"He wanted to testify Lindsay. I overrode that decision. I went against the rules and imposed my will on him and now look where he is."

"Bobby.."

"No the system is there for a reason and if I can't see that anymore ... if I can't abide by it I shouldn't be here."

"Well under that theory we'd all have to go."

He nods accepting the truth behind her words but she doesn't think he believes them enough. Not willing to drop it until she removes that look of doubt from his eyes she says "Bobby if every lawyer who ignored the rules quit, the system would fail because there'd be no one left to work it. We all do it. Sometimes it works out well and sometimes it doesn't but the test is what's in your heart ... Bobby you did the right thing, you did what you thought was best ... and who's to say a different decision would have changed Scott's verdict but a different one would have definitely cost Alessa her life. You have good instincts Bobby and we all trust them because they pay off more often than not ... we just have to learn to live with the failures as well as the successes."

"I know."

She's still not happy enough that he does "I broke the rules too Bobby. I deceived the court so I could implement an insanity defence against my clients orders. I strong armed the judge into allowing it and as a result a serial killer is free to send me puppies. Should I quit Bobby?"

"I'm not planning on quitting Linds I'm just rethinking things a little."

His eyes tell her everything is fine and he just needs time. She leans back against the couch, there in case he needs her but not intruding on his thoughts. After a while his head turns to look at her, she turns her face to him knowing he's going to speak. Sure enough he asks "How scared are you?"

"I don't know ... This little gift hasn't given me much confidence in the restraining order."

"Maybe he had it already organised before that and couldn't cancel."

"Maybe" she replies but they both know Bobby's reaching and it's more likely Hinks doesn't care about the terms of the court order. "I think he's just taunting me. I mean logically if something happened to me now he'd be the prime suspect ... but with William who knows maybe to him that's a good thing. He seemed pretty unconcerned with the prospect of being convicted. He took a big risk insisting on his guilt so maybe deep down he's tired and wants to be caught. Maybe I am in danger and it isn't just a game ... I just don't know Bobby he makes no sense."

"Nothing much does at the moment" Bobby sighs.

"God we're morose" Lindsay mumbles then stands and reaches for his hand "Let's go home, we'll solve the worlds problems tomorrow, I've had enough of this place for one day."

Bobby accepts her hand and rises to gathers his things together. All ready he follows her out the door, eager to get home where the days dismal events always seem less severe. He knows the reason for that is the woman in front of him and the security he feels from having her in his life. Nothing is insurmountable when he holds her in his arms.

Day 197

"I met with Scott today" Bobby says absentmindedly moving the food around on his plate.

Knowing this already, Lindsay looks up and waits for Bobby to say what he really wants to tell her.

Still focussing on the food he says "I asked him, if he hadn't run out of bullets would he have shot Jimmy or Ellenor?"

Lindsay reaches over the table and offers him her hand. He takes it, staring first at their joined fingers then raising his eyes to hers. "What did he say?" she asks.

"He honestly couldn't say. He thought about it then turned to me and said maybe like he really didn't know." His hand grips hers tighter. She's unsure what it is he needs to hear from her. Her silence compels him to speak "He wasn't there that night Lindsay ... it wasn't him in that room ... he just wasn't there. I don't ... I don't know if he'll ever be back."

That Bobby needs her comfort is obvious to her but what isn't is how she can provide it. Truth be told she's sick of Scott Wallace, tired of watching him slowly destroy Bobby and angry at herself for resenting him when he so desperately needs their help. None of this is Scott's fault. He's one of those people who slips through the cracks and is broken by the system. His case has been a comedy of errors since day one, the only thing is, nobody has been laughing.

Lindsay is about to make the effort of commenting when the phone rings. She feels guilty about how quickly she jumps at the chance to leave the room. It isn't that she doesn't want to help Bobby it's just that she had no idea what to say. She feels suitably punished for her flight when she answers the phone and is met with silence.

William Hinks doesn't need to speak for Lindsay to know he is on the other end of the line. These calls have become as regular as clockwork. He uses various pay phones and as he never talks they have no way of legally proving it is him. She could stand in court and swear to the fact she knows the sound of his breathing but it would be of no use. Nothing they can do will stop him. She slams the phone down and paces back and forth furiously. The vision of his eyes reflected back in the rear view mirror earlier today still haunts her. So to the fact the police refused to do anything about it. They've lost patience with her. She knows they don't believe her anymore and what's more she guesses this is all part of William's plan.

Lindsay has no idea how much time passes before Bobby comes looking for her. Seeing her face he doesn't need to ask who was on the phone. He sighs and walks towards her. Drawing her into his arms he says "I'll get the next one."

"Dammit Bobby!" She pulls away and begins pacing again "There shouldn't have to be a next one."

What can he say that hasn't already been said night after night since Hinks' return? They quickly fall into the conversation that has become so regular it is almost scripted. For each of her anguished demands he gives the required response. Night after night they go through this routine but tonight she's taking longer to settle than usual. He's not sure why. Have the words become so stale through time they no longer comfort her? Are his own thoughts making them sound hollow? Are they both just too weary of the situation to handle it anymore or was there something more to tonight's call than all the others?

Bobby steps forward to ask "Lindsay..."

"I'm so sick of this!" she says backing away "What's the use of a restraining order if he can't be made to keep it?" she asks the same thing she's been asking for the past hour, the past week even.

"Lindsay for God's sake calm down" Bobby says becoming frustrated. He's tried gentle persuasion, he's tried reasoning and cajoling. He's running out of options and the carpet is wearing thin.

She turns to face him and he sees pain. He's about to step forward again when she asks "What is it about me that attracts them?"

He's stunned by the sudden change of topic and can only respond with "Who? What?"

"Psychopaths Bobby! Creeps, little men with big dysfunctions." She resumes her pacing "I'm like a magnet to them. All my life they're the only men who come near me. Just once couldn't I meet a decent man and have him be interested in me? No it's a string of one loser after another. Why? What is it about me that causes this?"

When no reply is forthcoming she turns and sees she's alone in the room. She's incensed by this and walks to the bedroom sure Bobby will be there. He turns when he hears her enter the room and the hurt look on his face surprises her. It occurs to her what she just said and its implications.

She walks towards him apologetically "Oh Bobby, I didn't mean you."

"I know that" he says smiling wearily as he walks to the end of the bed and sits down.

She walks over and stands in front of him. Her hand strokes through his hair until he raises his face and looks at her. "I'm sorry."

"I know" he says and his hands raise and rub softly along her hips and thighs "I don't know what bothered me more, the idea I was just one of a string of losers or that you were still waiting for that decent guy."

"I don't need a decent guy Bobby I've got you!" she says emphatically.

He laughs and his hands raise to her lower back and draw her nearer as he rests his forehead against her stomach. He can feel it move as she chuckles and groans "That didn't come out right at all."

He sits up and looks at her pleased to see her smiling.

"No wonder I can't see my feet anymore they're so far in my mouth I've probably swallowed them." She says as she moves out of his arms so she can sit beside him. He watches her mirth disappear as she turns and looks at him asking "I'm serious though Bobby why are they attracted to me?"

"If your looking for a psychopaths point of view Lindsay I can't tell you, but for a guy ..." he grins at her and teasingly adds "decent or not ... well god Lindsay you're everything ..."

Her hand rubs his chest gratefully but she's too preoccupied to be bogged down in sentiment "Kingston said I was virginal is that it? Do I ... am I ... is there some vibe I give off? Is there an 'I'm vulnerable target me' aura about me?"

"Lindsay this isn't your fault don't start trying to blame yourself here."

She nods fairly unconvincingly and says "But Bobby ... Kingston, Vogelman, Hinks why me? Even Chris to some extent saw me as a victim ... do I appear weak? Is that it?"

"First off, from what Ellenor said with Vogelman it was just a case of wrong place wrong time. You weren't his intended victim Lindsay you were just the one who was there."

"I guess"

"And with Kingston and Hinks it isn't your weakness that intrigues them if anything it's the opposite. It's like you said, they are dysfunctional little men, they despise women and here you are brilliant, beautiful and not one bit intimidated by them. You stood up to them when they expected you to crumble ... it's your strength Lindsay, not weakness."

"I won't be intimidated Bobby" Lindsay says and he senses it's more to remind herself of this than him.

"You think I don't know that? You think that doesn't terrify me?"

She's surprised by the desperation in his voice. "Why Bobby? Do you want me to be weak?"

"Of course not, but he's still out there Lindsay, and it scares me that neither of you are likely to back down."

"It was Hinks in the cab Bobby, I know it."

"I believe you."

"Next time I won't run I'll..."

He turns her towards him and determinedly says "You'll run! Promise me that Lindsay."

"Bobby ... I ..."

"Standing up to him isn't important Lindsay. Your safety is!" he places his hands on her belly "This is! Promise me you'll remember that."

"I promise" she says quietly. Her hand raises to smooth the worry out of his face. "I promise."

They stay that way. Letting the silence reassure each other. Their eyes seek out and try to ease their pain. Lindsay moves closer to him and sinks against his body. 'I'm here I'm safe believe me' her actions say and Bobby holds her tight, trying to ease his fear that he could ever lose her.

As she pulls out of his embrace and straightens up he says "You don't believe me do you?"

"About what?"

"That none of this is your fault" She looks away and turning her face back to his he says "Lindsay you are not weak."

"With Chris I was"

"He drugged you!"

"No I mean before that."

"What happened in college?"

"Yeah"

"It wasn't weakness Lindsay you just trusted too easily. He saw that in you and took advantage..."

"You did too"

"I never took..."

"No no" she calms him down with her hand on his cheek "I meant you saw I trusted too easily. You put a lot of time and effort into drilling that out of me."

Bobby smiles remembering the fresh faced, eager to please, rookie she used to be. It wasn't so much her trust in others he wanted to curb, he worked hard at bolstering her trust in herself. He hates witnessing how easily that can be destroyed.

"I bet that's why you hired me in the first place" Lindsay says smiling.

"Why?"

"Well you had Ellenor and Eugene who weren't going to be pushed around by anyone, not even you, so when I walked in you thought here's a sweet young thing I can get to do all my bidding."

"Biggest mistake of my life" Bobby says grinning.

"Hiring me?"

"No believing I could 'make' you do anything."

"I don't know Bobby you can be charmingly persuasive at times."

"Really?"

"I married you didn't I?"

"So if I used some of that charm now?" Bobby asks with a leer.

"Never going to happen ... I've an early start tomorrow."

"Was worth a try" he mumbles pouting.

"Yeah it was" she laughs and standing kisses his head "goodnight" she walks to her side of the bed and reaches for her nightwear.

"You know" he says turning to look at her "a decent man would probably let you leave it at that."

She laughs and sits on the bed "You're never going to let me forget that are you?"

"I could be persuaded to" he waggles his eyebrows at her.

"Is that all you ever think about?" she laughs.

"Pretty much ... and chocolate cake ... now if I could just get you covered in chocolate cake..."

Lindsay laughs and lays back on the bed giving him a 'you are crazy' look. He moves up the bed and draws her to him. Snuggled up behind her he whispers "Chocolate covered you that would make me a very happy man."

She giggles enjoying lying here with him like this and knowing she should really be in bed and not just on it. "You're feeling a little happy just from thinking about it" she teases.

He moves closer pressing the evidence of her words against her and whispers "There's nothing little about it?"

"Tell you what Bobby" she says in a serious voice "You go make the cake, don't forget the frosting, and I'll just wait here patiently until it's ready."

"Oooh" he says delighted "You're on"

Bobby gets up and leaves and laughing Lindsay rises to prepare for bed. When she's ready she's surprised to find he isn't back yet. She thought he would just be turning out the lights and then come straight back. She starts to think he couldn't possibly have taken her seriously could he and walks down the hallway in search of him. When she reaches the lounge and he isn't there she hesitantly calls out "Bobby?"

He pops out of the kitchen, apron on and flour on his cheek and says "Yes?"

She looks at him in astonishment "You didn't!"

"I did" he replies.

She brushes past him as she rushes into the kitchen and he wraps his arms around her from behind and whispers "Fooled ya"

Wiggling out of his arms she mumbles "I think I may start looking for that decent man after all." She walks back to the bedroom, not believing it herself for even a second. Bobby's laughter lets her know he didn't fall for the line either.

When Bobby crawls into bed ten minutes later her arms are welcoming and her lips grateful. She enjoys his warmth spooned up behind her and the serenity and security his arms offer. Even if only for a brief time he can always make her forget her troubles. It's then she remembers she was supposed to be doing that for him.

"Bobby you were saying something before Hinks rang."

"Don't worry about it now" he says with a little laugh.

"You sure?"

"Positive."

He's barely finished saying the word before she falls asleep. Sleep is harder to come by for Bobby though. Scott's answer of maybe still ringing loudly in his ears. Bobby can't help feeling that had he been in the room, he would have been a deserving target. After all he's the friend who was supposed to help but who instead destroyed Scott's life.

Day 198

"The ayes have it!" Bobby says before storming out of the room.

Lindsay feels guilty as she watches him go knowing her actions hurt him. She looks around the table at the expectation on the faces around her. "I'll talk to him" she quietly says and leaves the room.

As she walks towards his office she prepares herself to endure his anger. The hurt betrayed look he gave her as she voted against him plays before her eyes. She takes a deep breath before opening the door. The glimpse of him as she steps through the door only heightens her apprehension, she really isn't looking forward to this conversation. She hopes he can see how sorry she is. Hopes he knows that she hated going against him and if there was any other option she would have taken it..

That he is furious and ready to lash out at her is evident in his posture. His hands grip the back of his chair as his eyes bore into her. "Nice ambush Lindsay!"

She knows he'll never agree with her deceit she can only hope she can make him understand why she was forced to do it. "Can't you see how emotional you're getting?"

"I was worried about you for God's sake!"

She doesn't doubt that for a second but her concern right now is his over emotional reaction to Scott's case. She walks towards him intent on having the conversation he's avoided for so long. "Do you feel responsible for the shooting?"

He looks down with a sigh. He stands there shaking his head and she watches the anger drain away as it's replaced by sorrow. His body screams out guilt guilt guilt but he can't bring himself to say it.

It hurts her to see him like this. She doesn't believe for a second he should hold any guilt but how can she convince him to let it go. "Bobby, look you believed his wife committed suicide."

He resignedly walks around the desk and towards her. All the animosity is gone from his voice when he says "I still do."

"In which case you couldn't possibly foresee that he would walk into a meeting with a gun."

"I know" he says accepting her point. He knows he isn't to blame but knowing it and believing it are vastly different concepts.

She steps right up to him and determinedly says "You can't put this thing on yourself Bobby!"

"I'm not doing that Lindsay! It's just ... I'm the only one who can help him here ... I can't pull out on him now ... You have to let me do it!"

She looks at him. His eyes plead with her. He's never so openly and honestly asked for her help before and she won't turn him down now. She could never turn her back on him. Her arms tell him what her voice finds it hard to say. "I'll help you do it ... whatever you need ... I'm there for you always."

Bobby welcomes her embrace. Gains strength from her renewed support but there is a question that weighs heavy on his mind. He pulls out of the embrace a little and looks at Lindsay. "Why didn't you warn me or at least talk to me about it first?"

"Because I was afraid this would happen." She drops her arms and takes a step backwards away from him.

Bobby isn't concerned by her actions because he can read from the expression on her face she just needs space to talk. He is troubled by her words though. "Afraid of what?"

"This ..." her hands wave in the air between them. "... that you'd talk me into it. I guess I hoped you'd let them sway you. That if the vote went against you you'd let it go ... Bobby I still wish you would."

"I can't Lindsay."

"I know" her disheartened voice lets him know how much she wishes it were otherwise.

"You really don't want me to do it that much?" he asks surprised.

"I don't want you hurt Bobby. I don't like what this case is doing to you. You're hurting and I can't help you and ... I don't like it!"

"You're here that helps" he steps closer to her.

"Yeah" she huffs in disbelief knowing there is nothing calming about her presence now, Hinks has seen to that. "You're worried about me, you're worried about Scott, you're ... the only person you're not taking care of is yourself and that scares me. I don't want to see you hurt."

"Lindsay it's going to hurt whether I defend him or not but to sit back and watch someone else do it ... to lose that control, to lose the chance to put things right ... I need that chance."

"I know."

Pleased she's not going to argue with him he says "So we'll go back in there and..."

"NO!" Lindsay replies vehemently.

"Lindsay please!" he begs. He thought they'd agreed he was going to do it.

"You're going to wait here and I'm going back in" she explains.

"I'm not letting you take the heat on this."

"Bobby if you want my vote you'll do it my way."

He opens his mouth to argue but she shoots him a warning look that stops him. She steps forward and picking up his hand entwines it in hers as she explains her reason.

"If you go in their you'll get defensive. You'll start arguing and shouting. Bobby they don't want you doing it because they think you're too emotional, blowing your top is not going to convince them otherwise."

"But..."

"No buts! I'm going in alone and no matter what happens you don't leave this office until I come back ... Deal?"

"Lindsay?"

"It's the only way it's going to be."

"Fine!" he turns and walks to his desk. He slumps into his chair and looks up at her a mix of anger and irritation.

"Wait here!" she reminds him as she walks to the door and he waves her away. Hating that he knows she is right and detesting the fact she's about to face their ire for him.

Lindsay walks calmly into the conference room and announces she's changed her vote. She does a few deep breathing relaxation exercises as they all bombard her with protests. As the noise appears to be dying down she asks "You finished?"

There are times when being pregnant comes in handy. Use a weary voice, throw on a tired look, aimlessly stroke your abdomen and you can win many an argument as no one wants to overexert you. Has she ever used this tactic for her own benefit? No but for Bobby she's willing to pull out all the stops. The fact they haven't seen her act this way before quickly silences all the dissenting voters. Pacified they listen, quickly overcoming her twinge of guilt for manipulating them this way she outlines why Bobby needs to take the case and why he will receive everyone's full support.

Her captive audience soon accepts the inevitable. With Lindsay's vote Bobby already has the majority. They are obviously not going to be able to sway her so the best they can do is learn to live with it. They file out one by one but Lindsay stops Bec before she can walk out the door. She has another set of instructions for her. "Take care of him. Watch him like a hawk and let me know the second it becomes too much for him."

Bec nods not really needing to be told this but knowing Lindsay needs to say it. Bec's spent many a year nurturing Bobby's state of mind and knows how concerned Lindsay is right now. She squeezes Lindsay's hand and watches relief cross over her face. Lindsay turns and walks back to Bobby's office leaving Bec feeling as if she's just shaken hands on a very important deal.

As Bobby enters the bedroom he sees Lindsay standing beside the bed, her hands caressing her stomach. She looks across at him and in answer to his unspoken concern whispers "The baby hasn't moved."

He walks slowly towards her, his eyes still questioning. Standing behind her his hands join hers mirroring their actions.

"I haven't ..." she takes a deep breath then leans back against him "I haven't felt movement all day ... normally it's ... Bobby the baby hasn't moved!"

He can feel her concern just as clearly as he can see it. He remains silent as he thinks about the implications of what she said. Not liking where his thoughts are going he asks for clarification. "Is that ... should ... what does that mean?"

"I don't know!"

"But you're scared?"

"Yes."

"What about you? Do you feel ... sick or ..."

"No I feel fine ... I feel ok"

"And this has never happened before?"

"Not that I can recall"

His hand moves from her unresponsive belly to smooth along her arm. He steps until he is facing her, wanting her to see the sincerity in his eyes. "You're tired and ... and maybe the baby is too" she nods and his hand moves to her cheek. "I'm sure everything's fine ... if there's no 3 a.m. rumba tonight then ... then we'll call the doctor in the morning. Ok?"

"Ok" she nods again.

"Everything is fine Lindsay ... the baby's just sleeping."

She nods again, wanting to believe him but unsure. Bobby helps her into bed before preparing for bed himself. He fully expected her to still be awake when he was ready to get in because she hadn't appeared likely to relax enough for sleep but when he returned to the bedroom he found exhaustion had won out and she'd drifted off. Having climbed in beside her he lay there watching her, worrying about her and hoping his bravado of earlier would prove true. The exhaustion of the day finally wore him down and sleep consumed him too.

The third sharp kick to his shin wakes Bobby. He hears Lindsay mumbling and moaning and realises she's having a nightmare. Turning on the lamp he calls to her, unsure if he should wake her or not but trying to calm her down. He softly strokes her arm saying "Lindsay it's ok ... you're just having a nightmare ... shhhh ... Lindsay wake up ... it's ok"

Lindsay sits up suddenly and breathing out heavily groans "Oooh ... Oh god!"

"You ok?" Bobby asks running his hand over her back.

She turns and looks at him and he sees the terror still evident in her eyes. She climbs out of bed and hurries out of the room. Her gait unsteady from drowsiness but her flight reflex activated.

Bobby immediately gets up and follows her. He was dismayed by the lack of recognition on her face. It's not the first time he's seen her troubled by nightmares but its the first time he's seen one make her run. Normally it's a case of 'I'm fine Bobby,' 'It was nothing Bobby,' "Go back to sleep Bobby' but tonight he's not even sure she realises it was Bobby in her bed. He finds her leaning over the sink in the kitchen, a glass of ice water in her hand.

"Hey" he says walking in "Are you ok?" She turns and looks at him. He can see how upset she is. Tears pool in her eyes. "Is it the baby?" he asks and is relieved when she shakes her head. "The nightmare?" This time she nods. "Tell me about it?" he asks soothingly.

She appears about to refuse then her body seems to collapse in on itself as she tonelessly recites her vision "I was dead ... Hinks was there and I was watching him, knowing what was about to happen to me. I was watching my body, unable to do anything and ... he'd never had a pregnant woman before ... I could only watch ... I knew what he was going to do but I couldn't stop him ... I could only watch .. I couldn't feel anything I could just see ... I wasn't alone ... there was death all around me ... millions of faces hovering around me ... angry at me ... victims who felt wronged but what I'd done and ... and ... and I remember faces ... lots of faces ... I saw Vogelman and Kingston and Eikman and ... Rooney and ... so many more and they were taunting me... telling me what Hinks was going to do and what they were going to do and ... and this was ... this was what eternity would be like..."

"No! God no" Bobby walks towards her stopping a few steps away from her when his movement seemed to distress her. "It was just a nightmare Lindsay ... that's not what it's like ... that's just a nightmare..."

"I still feel dead!" Lindsay says her voice faltering. She looks Bobby full in the eyes as her hands run over her face, wiping away her tears and trying to as easily brush off her fear. "I still feel dead!" she says again then reaches a hand out to him and pleads "Bobby, please! Help me feel alive."

"Come here" he says and she takes the final steps and walks into his arms. His hands rub over her back as he whispers soothing assurances. When she shows no relief from his actions he pulls away and takes her hand in his "God Lindsay you're freezing" he rubs her hands and watching her face sees how shaky she is. He puts his arm around her and leads her back to their room.

"I need to feel alive" Lindsay says again as Bobby helps her into bed. He climbs in after her and wraps his body around hers. His warmth sinks into her, his breath tickling her skin and his hands hold and soothe but it's not enough. She pushes away and sits up. She can't just lie here when she feels nothing. She needs to feel again. Her hands rest where movement should be but there is none. She sobs.

Bobby rises pushing back so he's sitting and leaning against the headboard. His face is concerned as he watches her. He calls her name when the tears come and she turns to look at him. She scrambles towards him. Her legs drape across his lap as she braces her body against his. Her cheek on his shoulder, nose nestled against his neck and arms tightly clinging to his torso. He feels so alive. She wants to feel alive too.

Bobby holds her closely to him. He strokes her hair with his free hand while whispering reassurances to her. The strength of her emotion and despair scares him. He doesn't know what she needs him to do. He's only playing catch up here and knows she deserves more than that.

"Help me" she begs quietly and his hand moves from her hair to her cheek.

He guides her head from his shoulder so he can look in her eyes. The fear he sees there stuns him.

"I need to feel alive" she implores, her still body trembling against his. Her mind caught in a terror that won't let go.

His fingers stroke over her cheek. His warm breath washes over her bringing with it treasured sensation. She moves her face closer seeking more and for the first time he senses he can help. His lips softly brush against hers. "You're alive" he whispers against her skin as his hand skims over her abdomen "You're full of life."

Lindsay whimpers and burrows closer to Bobby, her actions asking for more. His lips continue to caress her skin with kisses and affirmations. A warm hand brushes against her side, she feels goose bumps rising on her flesh as it travels upwards. It encounters the soft rise of a breast and moves to encircle it. His mouth is warm and moist and delightfully elicits a similar reaction from her. She feels her body succumbing to him. Its tension pooling and transforming to heat and exhilaration. Bobby's hands Bobby's mouth his heat his strength all conspire to bring life surging back in endless waves of pleasure. His passion fills her with life. She can feel it coursing through her body, reclaiming her, igniting her.

"Better?" Bobby asks.

"Hmmm yes" is her sibilant reply.

Pulling away to watch the emotions play across her face he asks "Do you feel alive now?"

Her breath puffs against his face as she cries out "Yes"

He moves in kissing her again "I love you" he declares, his eyes boring into hers.

"Yes" she again vows.

He peppers her face with kisses "I won't let anything happen to you."

"Yes."

"You're alive."

"Yes."

Unsure if she's approving of his words or his actions he implores "Say it!"

"I'm alive."

"And?"

"You love me."

"Again."

"I'm ... alive ... and ... you love me."

"Believe it?" he pleads, his mouth pressed against her ear.

"Yes!" she cries as her release hits.

His mouth captures hers as her body seethes with life. He feels her pulsating around him. Her hand grips his forearm, holding him to her as her body burns. Her fingers loosen their grip as the fire simmers and her body sinks, sated and exhausted.

Bobby's hand raises to cup her face. His thumb traces over her lip. His forehead rests against hers. "You're alive" he whispers and she nods whispering in return "I'm alive." His lips meet hers drinking her in. Tasting her, loving her celebrating her life.

They move down the bed as they kiss until laying side by side. Their legs tangle and eyes immerse in each other. She holds his hand in both of hers and rests it against her chest. He caresses her hair with his free hand. She smiles at him, then her face stills in concentration before breaking into a look of pure bliss. She drags his hand down and places it over her undulating belly. Tears stream down her face. So much joy!

"Rumba time" he whispers drawing her lips to his "You're so full of life."

Day 204

Bobby hears Lindsay cry out his name and rushes out of his office to see what is wrong. Lindsay is still seated at her desk but she has pushed her chair away and is looking with distaste at the ringing phone. "It's our private line" she quietly says in response to his questioning gaze.

Striding purposefully to the phone Bobby picks it up barking a gruff greeting. He waits for a response but is met with only silence. The faint sound of breathing slowly arises as he listens more intently. His eyes meet Lindsay's and he's incensed by the pain and fear he encounters there. He rests his hand on her shoulder, squeezing it gently to assure her she is fine and so is he. With his eyes encouraging her to be unconcerned he makes promises and demands of the man he knows is on the other end of the line. Demands he leave Lindsay alone and promises of what would occur to him if he did not.

The others in the office slowly draw near. Whether their approach is through curiosity or concern it is hard to tell. This is an impassioned Bobby, open before them like they've rarely seen before. Behind their surprise is the dread of the futility of Bobby's threats to stop a man like William Hinks. They fear for Bobby and Lindsay should Hinks not be stopped.

Lindsay's hand raises to capture Bobby's as it rests upon her shoulder. With a soft squeeze she tells him he's said enough. Hanging up, Bobby uses their joined hands to help Lindsay rise and leads her into his office. Closing the door behind them he walks to the armchair drawing her onto his knees. Ignoring her protests she's too heavy now, he buries his face in her neck and shoulder and holds her close against him.

Understanding his need she relaxes into him as her hands smooth through his hair. "What did he say to you?" she asks but the shake of his head is his only reply. Lindsay is unsure if it is because he can't or won't say but decides either way she doesn't need to know. She won't hurt Bobby by making him say the words to her. She's sure she knows William Hinks well enough to be able to fill in the blanks.

Day 207-09

Bobby is afraid to hold Lindsay's hand. He's afraid the crushing fear he feels will be conveyed in his grip. He doesn't want to hurt or worry her and turns away so she can't see his face. Lindsay is having a second sonogram. The circumstances so far beyond that of their first that it's hard to believe it is the same procedure. He remembers the joy and excitement as they prepared to hear their child's heartbeat for the first time. There is no excitement today, no, now all he feels is dread.

This time it isn't the first glimpse of a new life but a barrage of tests to decide if this life will continue. He can't believe they've come this far only to risk losing it all now. The sonogram shows the baby is a boy. A son. His son! A tiny precious boy fighting for life while his mother is hounded and harassed to the end of her tether by a psychotic maniac. A son. Bobby questions a God that at this moment he despises.

Why give this child to them if He's only going to take him away? What lesson is this for them to learn? What have they done to deserve this? Why does everything good that happens to him have to be a life and death struggle? And how many more losses and near losses is he expected to take?

A son. They're baby is a son.

"Please God don't take him now" Bobby prays.

"Bobby"

There is a plea in her voice he cannot deny. He's by her side instantly. Walks with her as she's wheeled back to her room. "It's going to be ok Lindsay, you'll see, it's going to be ok" he says as often as she needs to hear it, hoping his vice doesn't convey his fear. Lindsay wants to believe him, he can see that in her eyes. Hell he wants to believe him. God please let it be true.

Where the hell are the damn doctors?

He watches the baby monitor, each beat of his tiny heart registering. To Bobby the fact it's still beating must account for something but the grave faces around him scare him. He's tired of hearing 'we are doing everything we can Mr Donnell, you need to be patient Mr Donnell, these things take time.' He wants more constructive answers. He wants something they can pin their hopes on. Something to remove the ache in his heart

Finally he's told he can take Lindsay home. 59 hours after she first collapsed in his arms he gingerly leads her to their car. That has got to be the worst experience of his life he thinks. Terrified he never left her side. He couldn't. Afraid for her safety, afraid for the baby. No one was getting to her without first going through him. He watched over her, her face pale and wan, her hands never left her belly, clutching it as if through sheer strength of will she could keep the baby safe and inside. 'Hold on Lindsay' he'd prayed as he watched her sleep 'Hold on!'

They have a list of instructions as long as his arm that she is to follow. She's to avoid stress and most importantly she's to rest. Take it easy, they were told, but no where on that list does it explain how they are supposed to keep William Hinks out of their lives.

It isn't until they arrive home and he sees their tree that it occurs to him today is Christmas day. He wonders if Lindsay knows as he helps her into bed but he doesn't say a word. He already has everything he needs. He has her home, he has renewed hope and he has his dreams. What she needs more than gifts is rest. Maybe tomorrow they will acknowledge it but for now Christmas is low on his list of priorities.

Lindsay holds her hand out to him and Bobby crawls onto the bed and spoons up behind her. She clasps his hand in hers, rests it over their child. Bobby's her anchor and combined they'll keep their child safe.

Bobby is grateful to hear Lindsay's breath quickly even out and to feel her body relax in sleep. He holds her tight, hoping he will always be able to comfort her, love her and shield her from harm.

Day 215

Lindsay showers first now, needing Bobby's help to climb out of the tub. A week of him having to change out of his wet shirt and they worked this system out. Who says they aren't intelligent? She dreams of a house with a separate shower. Their growing family will soon need more than this cramped apartment can offer. They are looking to move in a completely disinterested way. One of these days it will happen. Her only demand so far is a separate shower. Having struggled through one pregnancy with a bath/shower combination she outright refuses to for another. Of course the days of a second pregnancy are a long way off when you consider she still has three months before this baby makes his appearance.

Her centre of gravity has changed and she finds herself needing help with a number of life's little obstacles. For such a fiercely independent person it took a little getting used to. The joy in Bobby's expression whenever she turned to him for help reminds her she has a man who loves her and is desperate to be allowed to show her how much. Knowing it pleases him takes the sting out of needing to ask.

"Bobby!" she calls heralding her white knight. He arrives brandishing a preheated towel and a piece of toast. She eyes them all hungrily. "Sunken lounge" she suggests as she accepts his supportive arm.

"Marble staircase?" he retorts.

"Landscaped gardens and a room for the maid?"

"Surround sound and a hot tub?"

"Ooh" she grins as her feet find the floor "You're on."

So far she's agreed to an indoor pool, a fish pond, a fountain and a hot tub. He senses a pattern emerging.

Bobby watches her towel clad body waddle away before removing his damp clothing and entering the shower. He doesn't mind their small apartment, at least he knows she's never far away. With the dangers lurking right outside their door he finds comfort in having her always so near.

Being home with her this week has been a curse and a blessing. As terrified as he is about her health they've taken this Christmas/New Year break as a time of recovery and reconnection. They've held onto and opened up to one another out of fear but in doing so have found joy. This time alone with her has sought to remind him how precious she is to him and how much he wants for their future together.

Until now he's kept the outside world away from her but can only continue to do so for one more day. Tuesday by necessity he must return to the office and for safety's sake so must she. The apartment walls are not secure enough for him to risk leaving her here on her own. She's not keen on the idea of being cooped up and mothered in the office so the fact she's agreed to it is proof to him of the extent of her fear.

Today he'll do everything he can to keep that fear from consuming her. They'll herald in the new year together. The year in which their child will be born. He'll concentrate on the reasons they have to celebrate and hope the new year can bring with it an end to their pain.

Day 222

Lindsay walks into the office and sees Bobby sitting with a far away look in his eyes. She believes she could probably dance naked before him and he wouldn't even notice. It's a theory she'll leave untested though as she would hate to see it proved correct. She runs her hands across his shoulders and asks "What are you thinking about Bobby?"

His head turns to her and he smiles as he says "You."

"Really?" she says pleased with the look of adoration on his face until it morphs into William Hinks' and he says "Yeah, and how much I'd love to kill you!"

Lindsay sits up startled. She can't remember the last time she's slept without having a nightmare involving Hinks. As she tries to calm her breathing she hears a moan from behind her and turns to see Bobby tossing his head from side to side. She leans towards him and places her hand softly on his cheek. Calming, he leans into it and nuzzles against her palm. His eyes slowly open and he mumbles "Hey" as he looks at her in concern.

"Bad dream?" she asks and he replies with a somewhat embarrassed smile. "What was it about?" she says moving to face him more.

"You.." he begins to reply then his face morphs again and she imagines Hinks' voice saying "killing you."

She shudders and a sob escapes as her hand pulls away from him.

Bobby immediately sits up and pulls her towards him "Hey it's ok!" he says instinctively as he cradles her in his arms. Her shaking worries him and he asks "Lindsay, are you ok?"

"I had a dream too" she whispers, finding comfort in his arms and voice, but afraid to look at his face. Her eyes remain tightly closed, her face buried in his chest.

"Bad?" he asks even though he already knows the answer.

"Just one of those surreal ones it's hard to wake from."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not really ... want to talk about yours?"

"No."

For some reason this makes her laugh and hearing his answering chuckle she finds the strength to look at him. He is there, the face she knows and loves with no sign of it changing again. She touches it reminding herself this is what's real. She sees the concern in his eyes and wonders if maybe they should talk about their dreams but she can't bring herself too. At first they'd cling to one another and share their visions but now the nightmares have almost become commonplace. She's tired of talking about them. She just wants to forget them.

"Does this make us dysfunctional?" Lindsay asks.

"No ... it's late and what we need the most is sleep. Besides I doubt there is any great hidden meaning in our dreams."

She nods knowing he's right. The stress and fear of the day is merely carrying over into the night. It is late and Scott's trial starts tomorrow so she wants Bobby as rested as he can be for that. She lays back down and Bobby curls himself around her. She clutches his arm willing her mind to sense only his presence and not her fear.

Bobby can feel the tension in her body and knows the dream still consumes her. He won't press her to talk about it, how can he when he isn't ready to face his own yet, but he wants to take her mind off it.

"I often dream about you Lindsay" he whispers against her ear.

"Really?" she giggles.

"Not like that!" he laughs and then corrects himself "I mean I do but that's not what I'm talking about here."

He feels her grip ease and her fingers become more animated than agitated. As they softly play along the veins in his arm she asks "Tell me about one."

He smiles, knowing how susceptible she is to a bedtime story, and hoping tonight he can lull her back to sleep. Speaking softly he says "The other night I dreamt we were walking along a beach. It was freezing, middle of winter, we were so rugged up you could hardly tell it was us. You were walking so close to me you were practically super-glued to my side. My arm was around your shoulders, keeping you close, while yours was inside my overcoat snaked around my waist. We had the baby and I had one of those pouch things on so all I could see was these tiny legs hanging out from the bottom. You kept reaching out and playing with the nearest foot..." he peters off as he becomes lost in the memory of the dream.

Lindsay who was becoming immersed in the image prompts him to continue "What happened next?"

"Oh ... uh ... we ... there was a dune and we sat there sheltered from the wind and ... um ..."

She senses his hesitation in both words and manner and says "It's ok if you don't want to tell me Bobby I just thought you did."

"I do ... it's just ..." he sighs then says "actually the dream was just us walking I uh ... tried to add something romantic but couldn't think of anything."

Lindsay laughs "Now why doesn't that surprise me."

Hearing the tease in her voice he grins and says "Now if you're going to insult me you should at least do it to my face.

Lindsay huffs and puffs as she rolls over. Her increased size and reduced mobility make a once simple task a production. "Better?" she asks when settled and in answer to his nod she softly presses her lips to his.

As she pulls away she says "I love you Bobby but you don't have a romantic bone in your body."

"I do to" he protests.

Lindsay rolls her eyes barely hiding her grin as she says "Your idea of romance is us trying a case together."

He gives her a sly smile and she smiles back remembering some of the 'romantic' moments during their past cases. "You know for a woman who supposedly loves me you do complain a lot."

"Not complaints Bobby, observations" she vows then adds "and not supposedly either, definitely!"

He smiles and raises his hand to stroke over her cheek.

"Bobby" she says, her voice serious again now. His eyes move from their focus on her mouth back to hers. "I'd rather hear the truth than have you make up something because you think it's what I want to hear."

He nods showing he already knows this.

"It sounded like a nice dream" she says trying to get him to tell her more.

He smiles "It was"

"So how did you feel?"

He looks at her confused.

"In the dream how did you feel?"

"Complete ... happy ... in love."

Lindsay smiles and takes his hand in hers. She rests their joined hands on the pillow besides her face. "Thank you" she whispers, her breath warming his fingers.

Bobby's not quite sure what she's thanking him for and as he watches her drift off to sleep he feels he's the one who should be giving thanks. He doesn't know what he did to deserve her love but he treasures it all the same. He smiles thinking when this case is over and won he'll show her how romantic he can be.

Day 225

Bobby hears Alan Neal leave. Alan's promise, "I'll take care of it Bobby," still echoes in his ears. He takes a few deep calming breaths pushing down his fear and uncertainty. He has to believe he's doing the right thing. Lindsay hasn't returned to his office so with one final stabilising breath he goes to find her, his insouciant mask again in place. All is well. There is nothing to worry about. I'm not concerned.

Lindsay is in the conference room, looking out the window, her hands caressing their child. She's a vision of maternal love and devotion. So beautiful, so strong, so vulnerable.

"Lindsay?" he calls softly and she immediately turns and walks towards him. He watches her each step of the way. Any belief he's doing the wrong thing evaporates. She's all that matters, whatever it takes, he'll do it to keep her safe.

Bobby takes a step forward and engulfs her in his arms; his face buried deep against her shoulder. He's terrified of failing her. If this doesn't work he doesn't know what he'll do next. Lindsay's hands run over his back and he hears her concerned "Bobby? ...You ok?"

"Yeah I just missed you" he whispers as his arms hold her tighter. His mind churning with concern. He cannot lose her. He just can't.

Technically Lindsay hasn't been working. She's on an enforced leave under doctor's orders but the horrendous circumstances make it necessary for her to be at the office. The idea of her at home, alone, unprotected is too much to bear. So she potters around at the office under the eagle eyes of six mother hens insisting she doesn't do too much. Guards who have banded together, differences put aside, willing to defend her with their every breath.

Today Lucy surprised Bobby when, knowing she was the only one who could be spared for the day, she immediately volunteered to accompany Lindsay to the hospital upon hearing of Jeannie's death. They all know how close Lindsay came to losing the baby and will do anything to ensure it doesn't happen. He can only pray their vigilance will succeed.

All their efforts are useless though with Hinks still running her around in an endless cycle of terror. If Bobby could have had her in court with him he would have been far happier, as much for her expertise as the additional security of the courthouse, but physically she isn't up to it. Instead he has to trust that Ellenor is making her rest and Eugene is keeping her safe. Knowing in reality she's out there fighting them every step of the way.

Lindsay has rebelled against the imprisonment, hating the perceived notion that Hinks has already taken her life from her. Bobby compromised and hired a guard. She can leave as long as she never leaves alone. Every moment he fears all these precautions won't be enough. He cannot lose her the mere thought of life without her is inconceivable.

Lindsay knows there is more to Bobby's embrace than just missing her but doesn't push him. His mind needs to be on his closing now and not her. He needs to see this through; he needs to win for both Scott's sake and his own. Lindsay fears it will destroy him if he doesn't win and she won't be the cause of his destruction. She won't. Her problems will take a back seat until he is free to think of her again. She won't pressure him. She won't have him focussed on her when he needs to be concentrating on Scott's trial now.

Her arms offer whatever comfort he needs. It's such an emotional time for them both. His guilt over Scott's welfare and his fear of the damage the case has caused to his relationship with Jimmy are reflected in his every haunted look. She knows he thinks he's protecting her by not burdening her with his pain. He may not share but that doesn't stop him needing her. Tonight is not the first time he's silently found his strength cradled in her arms. She hears him take a deep breath then his body tenses as he straightens up to look at her.

"How are you doing?" he asks.

Tears form in her eyes and she shakes her head. How is she expected to be when a friend has just been murdered? She needs to talk to him about her guilt over Jeannie but how can she? He's already in so much pain. Besides she already knows what he'll say "You warned her ... You told her more than you should have but she chose not to listen ... You did everything you could ... You 'cannot' blame yourself." But the words are hollow echoing in her brain. They lack the comfort she derives from his voice. She needs his voice but is willing to settle for his arms.

Bobby looks at her and thinks what a great pair they make. They are both hurting but refusing to confide in the other. Locking it all in, hoping to protect the one they love. His hand rests on her cheek, his thumb gently stroking it. "Let's get you and the melon home" he says and is delighted to see her smile.

"We're back to melon again?"

"I kinda like that one."

She rolls her eyes and reaching up to take the hand resting against her cheek in hers, she leads him out the door.

Day 227

"Bobby's been arrested in connection with William Hink's murder" a subdued Lucy says hanging up the phone.

"What!!" Lindsay screams her knees almost buckling under her.

"It just happened ... he's being arraigned this afternoon."

"I'm on my way" Eugene grabs his coat and hurries to the door

Grabbing her bag Lindsay follows saying "I'm going too"

Eugene stops and turns looking at her "No Lindsay your..."

"He's my husband I'm certainly entitled to..." Lindsay begins to argue but Eugene interrupts her.

"Your 7 months pregnant" he says as if that's all the explanation required.

"So what!" Lindsay finds it hard to believe they are fighting her on this. Where should she be but by her husband's side?

"He's right Lindsay" Ellenor says in a soothing voice as she places her hand on Lindsay's arm.

"Ellenor!" Lindsay's incredulous having expected Ellenor of all the people to support her.

"You don't want to stress yourself into miscarrying ... stay here" Ellenor continues calmly.

The dreaded word hits too close to home for Lindsay and voices start to invade her mind. All the doctors constant warnings to avoid undue stress. Her promises to Bobby she'll take things easy, she'll think of herself first above everyone else, she'll protect their baby at all costs. She knows if Bobby had the choice he'd want her here, safe and resting. She can almost hear his insistent words. Looking at all the concerned faces staring at her she sees that same insistence and sighs giving in to their demands she stay.

Watching Eugene and Jimmy leave Lindsay feels like she's failing Bobby. Ellenor and Lucy watch her every move as if expecting her to make a run for the door if they look away. Resigned to her new role of couch potato she sits at her desk. She feels trapped by the watchful eyes that never leave her, by the limitations of her body, by these walls that separate her from where she truly belongs.

She cannot stay seated for long. Needing to be near him she enters his office. Hating the fact he isn't there she leaves it again. The conference room is occupied by Rebecca and her client. The library is free but she has no interest in its contents. Totally frustrated with being cooped up in the office Lindsay's emotions finally explode. She can't believe she allowed her self to be talked into staying. Turning to Ellenor accusingly she declares "You should never have stopped me from going!"

"It's better for the baby..." Ellenor begins to say hoping to calm Lindsay down but she isn't prepared to listen.

"This is insane Ellenor. How can pacing here worried sick about Bobby be better for the baby? I'm more stressed now than I would be had I gone. I need to see him! I should have gone! I should be..."

"No what you should do is sit down..." Ellenor's calming tone only grates on Lindsay's already frazzled nerves.

"He's my husband Ellenor! I should be with him. I need to know he's ok... God! I need to see him." She turns away from Ellenor, works desperately to keep in her tears as she voices her greatest concern "What the hell did he do?"

Ellenor and Lucy exchange glances. They know they need to calm Lindsay down but really what can be done to achieve that. They are all on edge here waiting for news, so how can they expect Lindsay not to be? Lucy, surprisingly, is the one who comes up with a plan first.

"What should I do about today's appointments?" she asks.

"What?" Lindsay says spinning around and glaring at her.

"Bobby, Eugene and Jimmy all have meetings scheduled for this morning and somebody needs to tell me who should be rescheduled and who needs to be seen today and who will see the ones who need to be seen? Does someone want to take a look at this list and tell me who's who?"

Suddenly Ellenor has urgent calls she needs to make and Lucy's woebegone face broadens in desperation. Lindsay looks around the office at them and then in frustration says "Oh give it here." Snatching the list from Lucy she walks into Bobby's office. Ellenor and Lucy exchange relieved looks. They know they've only bought themselves a little time but hopefully it will be enough for some good news to have filtered back.

With something other than her concern for Bobby to focus on Lindsay eases herself into his chair and begins the first of many phone calls. It's all quite in the outer office when Lucy whispers "Ellenor she hasn't made a call in over ten minutes, should someone check on her?"

Rebecca who has just walked her own client out of the office exchanges a look with Ellenor, each asking the other who should go in.

"Have we heard anything from Eugene?" Bec asks and Lucy sadly shakes her head. Sighing Bec decides she should talk to Lindsay and quietly enters Bobby's office.

Lindsay is sitting in Bobby's chair with her eyes closed and arms spread over his desk as if trying to channel him there. She barely notices Bec walking towards her until her hand strokes slowly across Lindsay's back and in a reassuring voice she says "Bobby always manages to fall on his feet ... you know that ... you'll see this will all turn out ok too."

"I think it's the not knowing that's the hardest to deal with Bec. I should have gone. I need so much right now to see him. I need to know what's going on and mostly ... I need to know he's ok."

"Bobby's ok!" Bec assures her "Eugene and Jimmy are with him, he's ok."

Lindsay's teary eyes look up at Bec hopefully and then she shakes her head "What did he do Bec? I can't believe this! I thought it was all over and we were finally free. What did he do?"

Before Bec can answer the phone rings and they overhear Lucy talking to Eugene. Bec is almost run down by Lindsay rushing to get out there and hear the news. Hanging up Lucy says "That was Eugene. It looks like Bobby's being charged with solicitation."

"And?" Lindsay says walking determinedly to her desk and gathering her coat and bag. This time no one tries to stop her going.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Case 32899 Commonwealth v Robert Donnell ... breaking and entering with intent to commit felonious assault, conspiracy to commit murder and felony murder, and murder in the first degree."

Lindsay watches Bobby walk in as the charges are read. Although she can hear the clerks words and Eugene's subsequent response, their meaning barely sinks in. Her attention is drawn to her husband. He looks defeated to her, shell shocked, scared. She remembers the last time Bobby was arrested and how he was angered by it, but this time he looks resigned and ... guilty? Gone is his purposeful stride, gone is the head held high in self assurance. With his jacket open, tie off, shirt rumpled, top buttons undone he shows no interest in portraying an outraged aggrieved appearance. There is no fight in him if anything he looks apathetic. This does nothing to assuage Lindsay's concern. She barely pays attention to the proceedings as she watches Bobby, analyses him and waits for the moment she can run to him.

Lindsay hears the judge set bail and sees Eugene walk towards Bobby. She rises and rushes towards him. Bobby's eyes meet her as she approaches, stick to her hungrily, unable to look away.

"Hey" he says quietly, his tone apologetic and concerned.

Her hand finds its way to his chest and, through her touch, assures him she's fine and there for him. "You ok?" she asks feeling calm for the first time since they received the call. This is what she needed; contact. The chance to see him again, to feel him and know he is fine.

Bobby gives a halfhearted nod and a quiet "Yeah"

"We gotta take him" the guard says tugging a little on Bobby's shackled arms.

"I'm going with him" Lindsay states determined they won't be separated again.

"I don't think that will..." the guard begins to object but Lindsay cuts him off.

"Then don't think then ... I'm going!"

Sensing it's an argument he's never going to win the guard relents and leads them away. They silently walk down the long hallway and take a seat on the bench in Bobby's cell to wait to be processed. The moment Bobby is uncuffed Lindsay reaches out and takes hold of his hand. They sit there in continued silence. The conversation they need to have being too sensitive to bring up where the walls have ears. She doesn't need to speak to console him. She doesn't need him to speak to allay her fears. Right now all she needs is to be by his side and all he wants is that too.

Eugene filled Lindsay in on the details but only Bobby's presence could assure her he is ok. She looks at him. His head resting against the wall, his eyes closed, one foot perched on the edge of the bench while the other leg stretches across the cell. He looks relaxed, composed, like he's leaning against a tree, stretched out enjoying the sunshine on a glorious spring day. She isn't fooled for a second.

The hand entwined with hers tells her more truthfully how he feels. It's there for her but it takes nothing from her. He's afraid, guilt ridden and wanting to run. She fears he's closing himself off to her as each second ticks by. Believing he owes her comfort while he himself deserves only condemnation. She knows him well enough to know he's punishing himself now, she certainly doesn't need to. All she needs is to hear from him why. To understand what he went through, what she fears she drove him to, and why he insisted on doing it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bobby walks slowly into his office knowing that the conversation he dreaded can no longer be avoided. Lindsay hasn't spoken to him yet but her mere presence in the cell screamed at him to explain his actions. She was by his side, supportive, silent and strong but it terrified him. How could he tell her the terror he went through, the nightmares he had without giving her more pain?

He sits in the chair prepared for a lecture. He knows he deserves it. The irony isn't lost on him that he sat here less than a month ago and berated her for not being honest with him, for making decisions without consulting him. Angry at himself he finds it difficult to meet her eye. He looks up and sees her looking at him expectantly but he immediately looks away. After the morning he's had he isn't ready for this now. He needs some time to compose himself, he chuckles to himself thinking that what he really needs is time to compose a defence.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Lindsay asks.

Bobby hears the sorrow in her tone. He hears the hurt and knows he's the cause. He's not ready for tears, he's had enough of being treated like he's a disappointment for one day and hears himself mumble "Please don't start" before he has time to think of what he's saying. He regrets it instantly. Adds it to the long list of sins he's committed of late.

Lindsay looks surprised, hurt by his tone. Bobby's guilt only accentuates as she leans forward and says "I'm not trying to start Bobby but ... you bring this Neal guy in, you tell him to scare Hinks, Hinks ends up dead and you say nothing to me! .. It had to have been eating you?"

She waits for him to speak but he can't bring himself to. Everything she says is true, he should have told her, but he knew it would only upset her more. She wouldn't have approved, it would have distressed her and that's the last thing he wanted to do. Again he's failed because the way she's looking at him now is pained, betrayed, disappointed. He hates the look he sees in her eyes. The censure he knows he deserves.

Eugene enters the room and asks for some time with Bobby. Lindsay shoots him one more pained look and her words cut straight to his heart "Sure, why should I know what the hell's going on, I'm only married to him."

He winces knowing every second he's only causing her more pain but right now he's too lost to help her. He's angry with himself for what he's done to her, angry that he's got himself into this situation and determined that when this debacle is over he'll take a step back and make it up to her. Eugene starts speaking but Bobby's not ready to hear it. First he needs to get the office organized, hand over the reigns until he's again able to take control. Then he needs to find a way to repair his personal life. A way to make it up to Lindsay. He knows he'll have to start with honesty and can only hope that will be enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lindsay stands in front of the mirror. Her eyes drawn to the expanse of her waist. Their child, created in an act of love, is a testament to their bond. Lately she's started silently talking with him at night. Standing there looking at the changes he's made to her body, feeling him under her hand and inside her. She promises him things, ensures him of her eternal love and imagines him in her arms. She remembers the joy of discovering his existence and now ... with so much going on ... he's all she feels she has left to hold onto.

Bobby is drawing away from her. Silent and sullen he no longer shares his hopes his fears his joy and sorrow. She fears their bond is breaking, believes she'll have to fight him to let her back in and hopes that she'll have the strength to succeed. She hoped they would have spoken by now but he's avoided her all afternoon. Having fled from his office, Bec followed her, held her and reminded her Bobby needs time. He needs to know himself before he can tell her how he feels. Lindsay accepts this but what she cannot understand is that he can forget he is her husband. He's forgotten the vows they made. Forgotten they promised in good times and in bad to turn to each other. It's not enough they share this child when they'd promised to share their lives.

Lindsay recalls the pain she felt emanating off him as they sat around the conference table devising their team plan. He was quite, reserved and she watched him retreat further into himself as he witnessed Eugene fill the position that had always been his. So much of who Bobby feels he is can be ascribed to the office and the role he played there. It hurt Lindsay to see him so lost. Pulling away from her, separating himself from everything that had once defined who he was.

That the office now needed Eugene's leadership was not in doubt but what Lindsay feared was that Bobby needed to be the one who filled that position more than he even knew. She couldn't sit back and watch him hurting, floundering for his place and purpose. She needed to do something to bring him back. Needed to find him so he could then find her. The moment the meeting ended she rushed to Helen, made unreasonable demands of her, pleas from a desperate woman watching her life crumble around her.

She wants to run into Bobby's arms, cry against his chest and beg him to love her but she can't. This time she needs him to come to her. She needs to know they are together because he too wants them to be. Her arms will be open to him but he must journey to them.

Lindsay's alerted to Bobby's arrival through his reflection in the mirror. She sees him pause in the bathroom doorway to watch her actions. Normally she's finished her ritual before he arrives but tonight she had a lot to think and say. Lindsay finds hope in the openness of Bobby's stance. His shoulders no longer rigid appear ready to release their load. She can't help a little smile at the fact he too may want to make peace. He hasn't retreated completely away now she just needs him to step forward. That he makes no further movement towards her unnerves her though and she self consciously asks "What?"

"I'm just looking" Bobby says and Lindsay hears the awe that used to surface whenever they were together. Fear sent that away. His mission became to protect her, comfort her, console her and in doing so she wonders if he forgot how to love her.

With one final promise to her son she sighs and turns to face his father. Whatever will become of them she needs to know now. Her body betrays her and her hands raise unconsciously to rub her aching back. Everything she wants is in this room yet she feels lonely, isolated, afraid. Her eyes raise to meet his and hope increases the beating of her heart when she witnesses the mix of pride and fear in his eyes as he walks towards her.

"I'm sorry ... He ... I got so afraid that he really might hurt you ... and the reason I didn't tell you is because ... I knew this is not the kind of stress you need right now."

"Bobby ... I'm your wife!"

"I know this" he vows and walks forward taking her in his arms.

She delights in the feel of him, his warmth, his strength and knows she could happily stay there all night if she didn't need so much for him to open up to her. For too long now she's accepted his comfort without insisting on his honesty. No more. Tonight he needs to talk to her. She needs to know where they stand. She doesn't know what was organised in his meeting with Eugene while she made her desperate attempt to garner Helens help. She'll ease him into a conversation by starting with the facts and hope he'll then offer emotions. Pulling out of his arms she asks "What happens tomorrow" as she moves to sit on the bed. She watches him change roles from comforter to counsellor.

"We have a motion to dismiss the felony murder count."

"If you lose?" The question hits him harder than she expected.

"Lindsay their whole case is the word of a career criminal. They can't satisfy their burden with that. They just can't" he replies with increasing emotion and doubt.

Lindsay isn't used to seeing him this way. Bobby has always been the strong one, the one to assuage her doubts. She only hopes she can do it half as well for him as he's always done for her. "I've never seen you look so scared" she hears herself say and the look he offers all but tells her he's never been so scared. He looks broken and she doesn't like it. She needs him to know he isn't alone. "We'll beat this Bobby! We'll put the whole firm on it if we have to."

He sinks to the floor, crouching beside the foot of the bed. His face a mirror of concern. He looks at her, ready to speak but the words won't come. There is too much pain, too much regret. He looks at the bed cover, his fingers pick at it, scratching away the stain in his heart.

She doesn't like to see him this way, supplicating himself, pulling further away from her with each guilt filled breath. "Bobby please" she begs and his eyes rise to her "Please don't shut me out. We need to do this together" her hand reaches out as she says "I'm here Bobby I'm right here."

At her behest he rises and sits beside her on the bed but his eyes cannot stay with hers. They roam over her unclothed body, over their child, safe within her womb. He knows why he did what he did, he couldn't lose them. What terrifies him is, he still might. He'd do it again if he had to, his regret is that he hurt her. Lindsay's hand raises and her thumb caresses his lip. 'I love you' it says and he drinks thirstily its words. He looks into eyes beseeching for love and remembers what it is he's fighting for. Them, together, always.

Sinking back onto the bed he draws her down beside him supporting her with a mound of pillows. Their child is cushioned snugly between them, Bobby's hands bracing Lindsay's back. With her breath warming his soul he finds the strength to say the words "I never wanted to hurt you." He sees her denial spring forth but steals the words with his mouth. He kisses them away. He has hurt her, he knows it, and won't be told otherwise. When the need for air outweighs his wish for silence he loosens his hold. His hands move to her face, thumbs gently caressing cheeks now wet with tears.

"Bobby" her soft voice implores "I understand. You're forgetting I did the same thing."

He's confused by her statement and rises up so he's looking down at her. Her hand plays over his arm as her own guilt is expressed

"I turned to someone I thought could help, Helen ... I sent her to intimidate him but it just encouraged him. Bobby if I hadn't done that well ... maybe then none of this would have happened. All you did was what I did, you turned to someone you thought could help."

"It's not the same Lindsay. Because of me a man is dead."

"Did you send Alan Neal to kill Hinks?"

"No!" His eyes implore her as his shoulders sink under the weight of the implication "I didn't. I need you to believe that!"

"I do. Do you?"

He looks away but her hand draws his face back. Talk to me her eyes beg.

"I didn't plan for it Lindsay but I'm not sorry he's dead. You're safe now and that's what's important" he says quietly then closes his eyes "I just ... I never expected this." His eyes open again, moist with sorrow "I'm sorry I hurt you."

"Bobby I'm not angry" he looks at her in disbelief so she continues more forcefully "I'm not! Maybe one day words will pour out in anger but it will be fear talking not me." Her hand runs over her body "I don't want to do this without you, I'm scared of what will happen but I'm not angry at you for what you did. I understand ... I do! I love you and ... I'm grateful Bobby. I'm not sorry he's dead either ... I'm disappointed you never talked to me but I'm not angry with you. I know you never planned for this to happen. I know that. I just ... I wish you'd talked to me."

He sees the truth in her words but all the response he can think to say is he's sorry. Seeing tears in her eyes he wants to take them away. They are about to have a child. This should be a time of joy not pain. His lips caress her eyelids then move down to cover more of her face. His body hovers above her but mindful of their child his lips and one hand is all he allows to touch. Fingers linger where lips have blessed. Her mouth responds under his and he whispers his love into it before moving down further. Her chin and neck are loved as his thumb is suckled. He moves on back to her mouth his words coming stronger now "Love you."

Her hands frame his face, her eyes sink into his soul, he finds words pouring out of him he didn't know were there. "I'm scared ... I'm so scared" his hand glides down resting on her abdomen, "I don't want to miss any of this, I don't want to lose you, my life is here, with you ... I'm so scared" The words hurt as they issue forth, their implications too much to bear, that soon he may be torn from her grasp, their child will grow up without a father, his arms and life will be empty without her. No, this cannot be. She's here beside him. She will always be beside him, for him to love as he's doing now.

He moves away from her face and those eyes that mirror his fear. Her face is too expressive, his dreams shatter in those eyes. Her body knows no fear. It tastes and feels and smells the same as she always has. It responds to him, she responds to him, this is where he belongs. His mouth travels to her breast barely contained by its black silk sheath. He kisses the skin revealed to him, rubs his cheek there, her skin is softer, more luxurious than any silk. He moves down to caress the home of his child. He slides off the bed, his hands and mouth desperate to cover every inch of her stretched tight skin. The baby moves inside and his eyes rise to meet hers. They smile at one another. There is still joy to be found. Life goes on and so will their love.

His hands gently run over and over her skin while his cheek rests against their son. With eyes closed he can believe today is just another day. Her sounds, her smells, her warmth, are his to be cherished. And cherish them he does. He loves her. He will show her that nothing will ever tear him away. Whatever she needs, he'll do, because what he needs is her. This he knows. She is his world, his life, his love.

Bobby pulls away and moving back on the bed helps her cumbersome body slide across until they are together. Lindsay lays down in his arms, her back to his chest. His body supporting her, his hands glorying her. His body cradles hers. "Let me love you" he whispers "just let me love you."

Lindsay wants to ask the same of him but knows he needs to do this and acquiesces. His needs tonight are as much about fear and his misguided sense of guilt as love. His won't allow himself to feel pleasure, only to give it. She'll bide her time, she'll take what he needs to give and when he's ready she'll show him what's in her heart. She'll show him love doesn't judge or condemn. Love is a celebration she wants to share with him.

The fear echoing in his head soon settles into her whispered assurances "We'll win. Bobby, we'll win! We will. We will!" He holds her tight, hiding the onset of despair in the curve of her neck. She feels him slip away from her. She feels his body tense, his breath hitch and knows his heart is breaking. She grasps desperately for his hand and clasps it against her heart, trapped under the weight of her breast. She calls his name urging him to come back to her.

His lips press against her shoulder, asking for a minute. She raises his hand to her lips promising him a lifetime. He finds comfort in the slick warmth of her back, the tight clasp of her hand, and the tender kisses she bestows on his palm. Knowing words can only offer empty promises she doesn't give them but her body hums to him. Soft sighs and murmurs as she plays with the hand he allows her to keep and she feels his reverent kisses.

With a final soft kiss to her ear he pulls away from her and rising off the bed Bobby stands again and unbuttons his shirt smiling at Lindsay's eyes as they watch his deft fingers in action. He hands it to her and with a self deprecating grin says "It's probably a little more sweaty now than you'd expected."

Shaking her head Lindsay smiles and slides her arms into the sleeves. "It's perfect" she vows as she buttons it snugly over her protruding waistline. She holds the collar to her face and takes in a deep breath. With eyes closed her other hand smoothes over the pre-warmed fabric. She looks up at him with a look of pure delight "Perfect" she declares again. He helps her settle comfortably, pillows and cushions supporting her where most needed, then spooning up behind her, his pajama clad legs warming hers, he pulls on the blankets until they cover their sweaty bodies. Two parts to a whole, complete only when they are together. Their hands seek one another, finding their way home, soothing, lulling, until sleep spirits them away.

YYYYYYYYY