Ted and Jed: Burning Brightly

Chapter 12

Alex had himself braced against the walls of the Hans Moleman chimney. I couldn't tell if his partner Leo was with him. Leo might not even be in Simpson Cave at all.

"Where's Leo?" I asked.

"You don't need to worry about that. Where's Jed?"

Waiting in the stream, ready to hit you with a rock. "You don't need to worry about that."

"So what, you're down here and Jed's out getting help?" Now that I thought about it, Alex's assumption was a better plan than the real one we had. "Well, Leo can get to your buddy before he can get to a phone. Leo's real good at tracking."

"Jed's got a cell phone," I said. That ought to scare the bastard.

"No he doesn't. I would have noticed."

"It's a little one. He hooks it to his belt."

"Jed wasn't wearing a belt." I had no idea if he was or not.

"Well, we'll find out."

"Just get out of the damn hole, OK?"

Alex climbed up a few feet, giving me room to come out of the Principal Skinner passage into the chimney. I could see his gun pointed at my head, framed by his helmet light. I shifted my weight and moved slowly, so Alex wouldn't think I was trying anything. If I could think of something worth trying, I'd definitely give it a go, but I was drawing a blank.

"Is that my dog chain?" Alex asked from above, his light shining at the rock I tied the chain around. "You brought it all the way down here? Well, we'll take it with us."

"OK. I'll push the rock down," I said, hoping Jed would hear me and move out of the way. I pushed the rock off the ledge, and it bounced down the chimney. The long tail sped over the rocks, the end of it whipping me in the face. "Aah!"

"Oh, too bad. You got a boo boo. I hope it doesn't hurt as much as MY WRECKED CAR!"

Blood was on my tongue. That chain split my lip.

"When you reach the bottom, stay there. I'm going to have the gun on you the entire time. If you run, it's a straight passage in either direction and you've got no light. I can shoot you in the back no problem."

I hit the stream and stayed right in Alex's sight. The current thunderstorm was swelling the stream past ankle level. From the tiny bit of light coming down from his helmet, I couldn't see Jed. But he was here, rock in hand, waiting for a good time to strike.

Alex kept the gun on me with his right hand, and used the left to climb down. "That's right. You don't move at all."

Jed must be waiting for Alex to completely reach the bottom, maybe wait until the gun's not pointed directly at me. OK Jed, wait for your pitch.

Alex dropped the last foot and a half into the stream. He fished out the chained rock, and shook it until the rock came loose and splashed back to the stream. "OK, now you're getting tied up for real. Turn around, arms behind your back."

Perfect. He'll have to put the gun in his pocket or something to tie my hands, and as soon as he does, whammo. I did what Alex said, and he began fastening the chain.

I was tensed the whole time, waiting for the moment to whip around and help Jed out. Alex took his time looping the chain around my arms.

It took a full minute, but Alex then stepped back, my wrists wrapped with half the chain. I felt a tug on them. "I've got you on ten feet of slack. Don't try getting any nearer or farther."

Where the hell was Jed? This was the perfect shot, and he was nowhere to be found! Was he even here? If I knew he wasn't going to strike, I would have tried something instead of allowing myself to get tied up!

Alex yanked the chain, and I felt the tug on my hands. "Come on, march. South." I couldn't see if he still had the gun out, but I assumed he did. I marched.

Alex's light was pointed toward the ground, so he could see where I was. It also gave me a great view of the landscape where I was going. Could I use this at all to help me? Could Jed, wherever the hell he was?

Jed had either A. hid, then gone up to get help, B. chickened out, or C. changed the plan and neglected to tell me. I was hoping for C.

I scanned the walls as I went, looking for Jed hiding. Couldn't see a thing.

The silence was bugging me. Was this what your last few minutes felt like? Shouldn't my life be flashing before my eyes? All I was thinking about outside this cave was if I got that one job at the liquor warehouse. Pretty crummy flashback.

I didn't want to be chatty with Alex to fill the silence, but what else could I do? Well, so long as I was doing it, I'd antagonize him. "So who was he?"

"Who?"

"The guy you burned."

"No one you know." Same answer as before.

"But who was he?"

"He was just a bum. Is that what you want to know? A homeless, right off the streets bum. Leo got him in his car, said he knew where a good party was. Took him in Simpson, gave him a helmet, five minutes lead time, and then we gave chase."

"With what, lighter fluid?"

"No, paintballs! We were having the harmless fun first. Notice there's not much any paint around this place? That's a testament to our good shooting. We had twelve shots each, and we only missed six times combined. That was cool, for a bit."

"And then?"

"And then we shot him in the leg. Leo was aiming for the knee, but he just got lower thigh. But the guy was immobile the rest of the time, so mission accomplished."

"What'd you do to him after that?"

"Not a quarter of the stuff I wanted to. That guy was stinking something fierce. I couldn't get within five feet without gagging. The lighter fluid was more perfume than anything else," he said, giggling a little. "Oh, don't worry, I'm not going to do that to you. I got a timetable to keep. Plus, no lighter fluid." He giggled a bit more.

"What was his name?"

"Who?"

"The homeless guy."

"Christ, I don't know. We didn't ask to see his ID." "Where the hell are we going, anyway?" I had just assumed Homer's Misery since that's where I saw the redrawn map page, but I hadn't mentioned it to Alex.

"Homer's Misery." So the body WAS in there. "You know why I'm telling you this?" Alex asked. "Because I'm smart. I've taken care of everything. It's all planned out, and nothing you do can alter it."

"So what is this plan?"

"I take you to where I hid the body. Come back up top, wait at the entrance until 9:30. Leo's in his car, waiting for 9:30. The cop guarding the cave should be back from his little failed attempt to catch Leo, so he'll be back at the post.

"At exactly 9:30," Alex went on, "Leo's going to pull his Ferrari right up to the cop car and honk his horn. Imagine what that would be like! You're a cop, you just got blown away by some Italian speed demon, you go back to your post, and there's the Italian speed demon giving you the finger!

"It's 8:45 now, so I've got 45 minutes to get this done. 30, really, if I want to get to the entrance with a little fudge time."

"Nice plan," I muttered.

"It is a nice plan. It's so nice, that I can even tell you it, and you won't alter it any."

"Why would I want to alter such a well-constructed plan?"

"My guess would be because of the part where I kill you and stash you with the burnt guy."

I figured he had something like that planned. The idea of me getting killed still didn't seem real, so it wasn't anything I could believe. "You're can't kill me. People'll miss me."

"Doubt they'll miss you, but they'll probably notice. When they search here again maybe they'll find you. But they've got Darren as the prime suspect, and he's got reason to kill you."

"What reason!?"

"Duh! Exposing him as the killer."

We walked silently, just hearing my wet footsteps and the jangle of chain. The feeling that I was going to die was dawning on me. Still no life flashing before my eyes. We ran out of passage, and we were at Homer's Misery. The high water gurgled into the bottom of the passage. "So the body's in there," I said.

"Nope," Alex said, shining his light to the ceiling. "Look up, see what both you and the cops missed."

His light was circling a small crack. Unless you were directly below it, it wasn't visible. And it went.

"I found it on that big old Simpson map. No one really studied the old map, and everyone I talked to had forgotten this passage existed."

"Where does it go?"

"About five feet and it dead ends. That's why they forgot about it. But it makes for handy body storage." He got close behind me and untied the chain. "Well, climb up, Teddy."

"Why?"

"So I don't have to haul your corpse up there."

I stayed where I was. "No."

He looked at me, and smiled a bit. "Yes."

"If I go up there, you'll shoot me."

"But if you don't, I'll shoot you with vigor. In the knee."

"Not much of a choice."

"It's a choice, and you'll choose to climb. You think you've got a chance to escape with the climb."

"Do I?"

"No. But it's still the unknown, verses the devil you know. Plus, you get to see that body again." If I stayed, I'd get shot. In the knee. Like Alex said, I'd pick the climb. I scaled the wall to the crack, and stuck my head in. I had finally found the corpse. Alex pointed his light in at an angle, so I could see inside. He was crammed in the far end, which wasn't even sitting room. With the burning and the dragging through mud, he didn't look so much like a person than a dirty rock. His face was turned toward me. I could see the charred remains of a beard. He looked in pain. I glanced down. Alex was smiling ear to ear, his gun hand shaking. "Get a leg up there," he said, half stuttering, "so if you g-go limp you won't fall back down here."

I stopped. What the hell was I doing? I was LETTING this guy kill me! If I put a leg up there, I was dead! The only reason I'm alive is his convenience!

OK, arguing wouldn't work. I doubted I could convince him of anything besides shooting me, and it would most likely just get him annoyed, which was the one thing keeping me alive. Maybe if I dropped down on top of him? He could get off a shot, but in most parts of the body I could survive a gunshot.

I looked down at Alex. His face was an unseeable dark mass. The helmet light on his forehead felt like crosshairs.

Do I do it? Drop down on him? Jesus, I've been standing here so long doing nothing, he'll be preparing for anything. Christ, why'd I wait so long?!

"God, look at you think!" Alex said. "Do I attack? Do I comply? Keep this up! I could watch you decide all ni-" His light was shattered as something grabbed Alex.

"Gotcha!" I heard Jed yell. Thank God.

I dropped down from my perch into the dark stream. "Where the hell were you?!"

"Sorry Ted," Jed said in a rush, "if you dropped the rock on his head it'd bounce off his helmet so he'd be mad and armed and not hurt so I moved over below Homer's Misery and hid in shadows with the r -- ungh!" he grunted as Alex hit him. I heard splashing and grunts.

"What are you doing here?!" Alex yelled in frustration. "There's not a single benefit to you being here!!"

"Yeah. Pretty stupid, huh?" Another loud grunt, I didn't know from who this time. If only I could have seen, I would have joined in.

"Got the gun!" Jed yelled. I felt the wind of something fly by my cheek and splash a couple feet behind me. "Lost the gun!" It'd be hard to find blind, especially with the stream swelled the way it was.

"Turn your light on so I can see!" I yelled. A few seconds later, Jed's helmet light snapped on. He was holding onto Alex's left leg, wrapping the dog chain around it. Alex was feeling in the stream for a rock, or maybe the gun.

I saw a glint in Alex's eyes. Now that he had light, he quickly kicked Jed in the face and managed to stand up. He swung an arm and leg combo at Jed's side, and he collapsed. When the hell did Alex learn karate?!

"Go to Hans!" Jed choked. "Kaboom!"

I was all for running away, but kaboom? What was kaboom? Unless it was Jed's stupid lightning theory ...

Hold the phone. Jed had mentioned several times that a lightning strike was possible within a cave, under the right circumstances. And we had them all right now. It was a rainy night, we were in the water, and there was a length of metal chain to build up a charge. That explained Jed hooking it on Alex. Lightning goes from the ground up, so if you get its attention you'll be the focus whether you're under a tree or under 50 feet of limestone.

From Jed's helmet, I saw the long stream passage that led to Hans. I ran to it. "Catch me if you can, Alex!"

Alex screamed something incomprehensible, and I heard him charging after me.

It was a good couple hundred yards to Hans, and most of that would be running blind. I used every last bit of light I could, almost twisting an ankle three times. I ran until I was in total darkness. Then I slowed down, and felt out my footing.

I was breathing pretty hard. So was Alex. I could hear him a few yards behind me. The chain rattled behind him. Good: let the charge build.

Most of the rocks were relatively flat, so I let my feet land flat, and most of the time it was a good step. I made good speed that way. Relatively safe, too.

Alex was splashing and cursing behind me. He tried lunging to catch me, but always lost his footing. Slow and steady.

I heard a crack. Was that a spark from the chain?

There was another one, this time a definite. I saw a split second of light. It was working.

Of course, if this worked, I had to be out of the water, or else I'd be just as dead as Alex. I moved faster.

A third spark. This one actually gave me a view of the cave. I saw the Hans chimney 100 feet in front of me.

One second of difference could mean getting either safe or cooked. I ran for Hans. Ran like an idiot, like I was on ashphalt. One jagged rock and I'd be lame. But that one second of difference was all I needed. Behind me Alex was rampaging, the chain dragging like cans on a wedding limo.

I leapt where I thought Hans was. I hit a wall and fell off it, into the water. I heard Alex's breathing coming closer, the chain clinking. Another spark gave a flashbulb to the scene, showing Alex in a mad froth. I lunged out of the water, scrambling up the wall as far as I could. Alex was just a few feet away.

BOOM.

The water was safe by then. I just splashed down. I didn't hear Alex's breathing any more. I smelled something familiar and unpleasant: a burnt body.

I sat in the water for a minute or two, not moving. I was incredibly sore, down in my bones. The water running down the walls must have connected me to the bolt. But not like Alex.

A glow of light came from downstream. "Ted! You OK?"

"Yeah!"

"Where's Alex?"

"Doing worse than me, I think!"

The light got brighter, and soon Jed was running toward me. As he neared, I could see where Alex lay. There were wisps of smoke coming off him, and he was laying face down in the water. No doubt about it: he was dead.

"I can't believe that worked," Jed said. "Lightning strikes a murderer in a cave. That's gotta be a first."

"And I outraced that bolt of lightning," I worked out.

"Wow, and you don't even jog," Jed said.

"We know," I blurted. "The murderer's in the cave right now, and his partner's in the woods, ready to book!"

"Ted?!" the cop asked? His voice sounded familiar.

"Hey, Travist!" Officer Travist was involved with the search last week.

"What are you guys doing here? This is off limits."

"Long story. But that Ferrari you just tried to follow an hour ago is right in these woods."

"How'd you know about the Ferrari?"

"Same long story. But he's ..." I saw tail lights in the distance. Leo must have seen us. "... taking off right now!"

"Who's Leo?"

"The red Ferrari! That's him!"

The lights were only visible for a few seconds before fading away. Travist radioed for someone else to intercept them, not wanting to abandon the cave two weirdoes just came out of.

From radio squawks of the next five minutes, we heard that Leo blew by the same speed trap again, and once again evaded that cop. We told Travist he would pull off into some spot and let the cop blow by him, but the cop wasn't able to see where the hiding spot was. The Ferrari's license plates were stolen.

We went over our whole story to Travist, who called in Sgt. Addison and half the police force to check it out. An hour after the cop cars pulled up, some familiar grotto vehicles emerged. Henry, Gunther, Harry, Marv. Word spreads quick when there's caving work to be done. We heard Darren decided to steer clear of any cop interaction until he knew he was cleared of charges.

When the rain and thunder finally stopped, a caver-cop team went in to check out the two corpses. (Most cavers wanted to get Alex out immediately, but I convinced them that he was 100% dead, as well as 100% not worth the risk of getting a decent person struck by lightning.) Jed and I sat it out, instead going over the story with the FBI and more cops.

It was sunrise when I finally got done with questioning. I saw Jed sitting. "Alex's van is right where it crashed?" I said.

"Were you expecting it to have moved?" Jed asked back.

"Well, Alex was just so cocky. He worked out so much. It's like he just forgot about his crashed car at the murder site."

"Well, that's the danger in thinking you're smart." Jed said. "Everyone's dumb. There're just people who're so dumb they convince themselves that they're not."

"Dumb and delusional. A.K.A. crazy." I said.

"I'm one of them," Jed said. "I did about twenty 'smart' things this week that almost got us killed. I'm, uh, I'm sorry."

"Thanks." I smiled. "That's mighty dumb of you." "Seriously, I wish I was more like you. You're honest, you speak your mind, you don't plot out everything you say."

"Hey, it's not a conscious choice. I just don't do that." I said. "I sorta wish I had that plotting thing when I talk sometimes."

"It's got its good and bad sides. There's no off switch. Some of us are too 'smart' to know how to stop doing it."

"So do you think Alex counts as a serial killer?" I asked.

"Don't you have to kill multiple people for that?" Jed asked.

"Beats me. Find someone smart to figure it out for you."