My buddy Jed called to start this whole thing off, wanting to do another Simpson Cave trip. It was only two and a half hours away from us, so it turned into the regular place to go. Ted and Jed, I know, sounds real stupid. But I don't want to get a nickname like Rocky or Bubba to make it not rhyme.
Jed's as pale as an albino's ass in February. I keep thinking of him as wearing these dork glasses, but he switched to contacts three years ago. But one of those people who should wear glasses.
Jed said he heard there was smoke coming out of Simpson a few days ago, so he really wanted to go and see if anything was different. Every once in a while someone goes into the cave with flashlights and a case of beer, usually leaving the cans a couple feet from the opening. Pain in the ass to clean up.
Simpson's about half an hour from the New Jersey border. I'm further up in the state than Jed, so he swung by from Princeton and picked me up in his big Ford. I have no idea why he lives in Princeton if he's working in New York. That's a hell of a commute.
There was a secluded gravel lot where all the cavers parked. A red Ferrari and a big honking SUV were already there. "Rich people in the cave," I said, stating the blitheringly obvious.
"Hey, I could blow my money and buy one of those if I wanted to piss it all away. I'm smart. Bonds, a few stocks, nothing too risky, get that money rolling to more money."
"Yeah, thanks for rubbing my nose in that." I had been out of work for a couple months. I'm on unemployment, so I'm not hurting or anything, but I feel like a loser sometimes.
"Sorry, I forgot. You don't mention it that much, so it sorta fell out of my head." Jed's got some job in the city. Creative marketing director or quality engineering associate or something. He doesn't care about the job, and doesn't mention it much, so that sorta fell out of my head.
We suited up in our gear. I always forget to wash mine, so I just cracked it in the air a few times and big tan plumes came off it. It's just going to get dirty again, so why waste three bucks of quarters at a laundromat? Jed's was always spotless, but he's got a free washing machine in his basement.
We hiked about a quarter mile along a game trail until the hill with the entrance. There was a metal frame and lock on the entrance. Jed had a key, from back when we were members of the Garden State Grotto. We're sort of freelance at the moment; long story. No smoke coming out of the cave now.
"Betcha ten bucks this smoke is some beer can campfire in Maggie."
"Wouldn't take you up on that even if I had the ten bucks."
"Cripes, keep on forgetting that. Sorry."
I fired up my carbide, Jed twisted on his Petzel, and we went in. The cave started with a regular breakdown crawl. A couple minutes worth, going up and down and over in what looks like random directions. Jed and I had been through the breakdown so many times, it's second nature, but I got lost there a couple times when I started.
It opened out into three rooms with increasingly high ceilings and small stalactites. They were Maggie, Lisa and Bart. This cave had to have been mapped and named before the Simpsons came on the air, but I only got into caving a few years ago and it's always been Simpson Cave.
"Hunh. No campfire here. Damn, I owe you ten bucks." Jed did stuff like that, find stupid ways to give me token amounts of money. Wish I could say I was one of those guys too proud to accept any of that, but every buck counts.
Past Bart, there's a couple dead end crawls and passages that just get smaller. You can do a loop trip from here through a near vertical pit in the floor, that I used to know so well I could do it blindfolded.
"Jed, this part of the room seem a bit smoky? Like the fire was nearby?"
"Good call. Let's try one of these dead enders. Beats me why anyone would light a campfire in someplace with the ventilation of a Volkswagon, but high school kids can be stupid. I know I was."
"Ditto. Wrecked two cars I was driving, three cars I hit."
"I was only stupider in college."
We wriggled down the most obviously smoky passage. It wasn't a tight crawl, but we had to get on our hands and knees, so it was slow going. Jed went first.
"Hey, have you tried a job placement agency? I heard those things work pretty good."
"I tried that a couple times. But they get jobs through big companies looking for big corporate guys with grad school degrees or something. I come in, barely able to type, and they're drawing straws to see who has to waste half an hour with my resume."
"If you start temping someplace, then you're on the inside track to any permanent positions in that company." Jed's voice gained an echo, then his legs pulled out as he stood up.
"I don't want to be getting coffee for six bucks an hour, hoping to get coffee full time for six and a half."
"Whoa ..."
"Yeah, temping can be six bucks an hour.
"Jesus ..."
"That's the low end, of course, but with my typing it's not getting much higher."
"Shut up Ted, and get in here."
My arms and head came out into the room. The smoke was thick as my leg. It smelled like an unattended barbecue. I could see it drifting from the black mass in the center of the room. "God, what did they burn in here?"
Jed carefully knelt closer to the mass, shutting up for once. My carbide sizzled in the silence. "Not what, who. This is a corpse, Ted."
