Tony Slattery and John Sessions
(Tony's going next door to
borrow some coffee for a dinner party)
(Documentary – specifically, Stock Exchange Information)
Tony: Of course the price of coffee can rise and can fall and here to talk about is...John Sessions.
John: Thanks, Jack. Coffee, um, is a major problem in the world at the moment insofar
that you’re better off in guilt. If of course you do drink the guilt, of course,
you’ll have a likelihood of turning into maybe an Aztec insofar as they
swallowed a lot of guilt all those centuries ago.
(Escape Movie)
Tony: The plan’s this-
John: I don’t wanna hear your plan, Brett!
Tony: Oh, so you’re American now, are you?
John: Ya goddamn right I am! You know, with God save the Queen and all that…Adolph
is laughing at you man, you know that?
Tony: You Texans think you’re so bloody spunky, well you’re not!
John: I’m not from Texas, I was born in Melton Mobridge, you know that?
Tony: I don’t want to know about your flashy American u-towns, we’ve got to tunnel
underneath the plantation and get all the coffee out, it’s simple!.
John: If you want the tunnel, you dig it!
(Restoration Comedy)
Tony: Say!
John: Why my lord I was just walking around(?) but three hours ago it slipped through
the bottom, came to my ear and my nose, indeed, have faith there, madam, she is coming
close with her coffee beans dancing in the air and I, I will be lowered into her
cup, my lord?
Tony: So says...so says me lady politic bum hole!
John: Right, yes she would come now, she would walk through the garden, within a
spindle of her wickedness, close into thy heart-
Tony: Ha ha ha ha ha!
John: - Enough of this madam, would thy take coffee with thee or would thy bring tea
into thy heart and there bring happiness. You, my lord love wit, he’s a clever
pretty nobleman, he drinks coffee, tea and also when he’s weird, drinks
herbal tea and chamomile.
Tony: Rather would I spite thy blonky-what?!
Paul Merton and Richard Kaplan
Richard's
going in to buy out Paul’s sandwich shop
(Spaghetti Western)
Paul: You want mayonnaise with that?
Richard: ……if you cut my sandwich, I’ll have to cut you.
Paul: I’ve got a fistful of ham!
(Monty Python)
Richard: No!
Paul: Yes, this is an ex-ham sandwich! I took this ham sandwich away from this shop alone
not less than an hour ago-
Richard: No!
Paul: Yes!
Richard: Say it isn’t so!
Paul: I won’t, this is an ex-ham sandwich!
(Horror)
Richard: My god, the ham! It’s crawling up your arm!
Paul Merton and Tony Slattery
Paul's a jailor, Tony's the prisoner
Tony: I didn't do it, I didn't do it, I don't deserve to go in there! (starts laughing)
Paul: I think you're guilty as hell after that last expression. - That's it, in you go, in you go.
Tony: When are visiting hours?
Paul: Between the hours of half past 8 and half past 9... every third Sunday.
Tony: What a cruel life this is!
(Horror)
Tony: What a horrible suit.
Paul: - That's good, coming from someone who's dressed like Doc Holiday!
Clive: This is just lapsing into personal abuse.
Paul: Shut your face!
Clive: Well you're already getting there, but let's do -
(Children's Nativity)
Tony: Then...the jailor said to the baby Mary that...there is no room at this jail.
Paul: Uh...uh...I've forgotten it. (buzz) (Tony burps)
Tony: I did that in a nativity play once, that's why I did it.
Paul: So it's like personal now, is it?
Clive: Yes, we've lapsed into nostalgia apparently. Um...-
(Film Noir)
Paul: Listen, Norris (Tony mouths "Norris?"), you're never gonna get out of this place - Yes, Norris is your name, Burt Norris! You're never gonna
get out of this prison, I'm gonna turn the light off, look!
Tony: (pantomimes smoking) Yes, it's interesting the way the light-
Paul: (turning to Clive) Where'd the cigarette come from!? What's all this?! Excuse me while I just get on me moped! (pantomimes riding a moped)
Clive: It's a long time since you've been on this show, isn't it, Paul?
(Dr. Who)
(Tony turns to run)
Paul: Where are you going? - Oh it's Doctor Who, look!
Tony: Have you noticed this cell is bigger inside than it is outside?
Paul: Yes, you could say the same thing about my underpants.
Clive: No, you couldn't. Uh..-
(Pirate Film)
Tony: Arg!
Paul: Arg!
Tony: Arg!
Paul: Dyslexic pirates, raagh!
Tony: I'm gonna swing through those bars and then be outside. Quick, me
hodgies, let's break out of jail!
Paul: But I'm the jailor!