Clever Girl... >> Writing >> Kimmy Colgate Back in 1999, rumours were abounding of an immanent apparence by Britney Spears on Dawson's Creek.  Naturally, this resulted in conversation between myself and my mathematical partner in slothfulness in what exactly would happen in such an episode. "Can you just imagine it!?!?" We could. Unfortunately, this episode is set in a mythical time period in the land of Dawson's Creek.  A time like this never actually existed, but the episode would lie somewhere within Season 2.  Dawson is 'friends with benefits' with Jen (or 'kissy friends' as the ever-mature Andrew Yip would say), Pacey is with Andie, Jack has just come out of the closet, Abby is still alive, and... does anyone remember the character of Chris? Kimmy Colgate comes to... Dawson's Creek It is mid evening.  Dawson and Jen are making out on the couch in Jen's lounge room, as Roman Holiday screens in the background.  There is a sudden noise and they both look up, panicked, to see Grams standing in the doorway.  They pull apart, embarrassed. Jen: Hi Grams... Dawson: Good evening Mrs Lindley... Grams forces a smile and says: Good evening Dawson.  Jennifer... [she looks around momentarily, perplexed] would you mind refraining from this sort of thing in my loungeroom? Jen: Grams... Grams: In fact Jennifer, would you mind refraining from this sort of thing at all, at least until Kimberly leaves? Dawson: Kimberly? Grams: Hasn't Jen told you? [she throws Jen a nasty look] Dawson shakes his head Grams: Jennifer's cousin - my granddaughter - Kimberly Colgate will be coming to stay with us for the Christmas break.  She should be arriving tomorrow afternoon.  [sighs]  Jennifer never told you? Dawson shakes his head again: No. Jen shrugs, feeling as though she should say something: It never came up. Grams is annoyed: I can't believe you never told him.  [she turns to Dawson and smiles]  Well, be sure to visit tomorrow afternoon.  You'll just adore Kimberly, she's such a sweet girl - I don't think she's ever missed a Sunday.  Very pretty too, and popular with the boys, although [casts a meaningful glance at Jen] she doesn't have to do anything to make them attracted to her.  It seems that some people actually like the wholesome type. Dawson with only the slightest hint of sarcasm: I can't wait to meet her. Grams: Then make sure you pop in tomorrow afternoon. There is an uncomfortable silence. Dawson looks at his watch: Oh, look at the time!  I should be getting home... Cut to clock which shows the time to be only 8 o'clock.  Cut back to Dawson who stands up to leave.  Jen looks at him and also rises. Jen: I'll walk you to the door. Grams: Okay then.  Goodnight, Dawson. Dawson: Goodnight, Mrs Lindley. Jen and Dawson walk to Jen's door.  She holds it open and he stands in the doorway, smiling at her. Dawson sighs: So... Kimberly's coming?  Why didn't you tell me? Jen groans: Oh, don't get me started on her.  Kimmy is a pathetic little goody-goody from a miniscule little hick-town with about 300 interbred people in it.  She wasn't pretty the last time I saw her, so unless she's taken to wearing a foot of makeup she'll still be the same dork she was when she was eleven -                                      ************************** Britney Spears is sitting on a plane crossing the Atlantic Ocean.  She is reading a copy of the scrip for the episode of Dawson's Creek that she will be appearing on.  She comes to Grams' description of her character and smiles, flicking her hair.  This is exactly what she had in mind. Jive will be very pleased, she thinks.  She reads on until she comes to Jen's description and shrieks. Britney: Argh!  Oh my god!  Like, look at this!  Look at what they wrote about me! [she hands the script to her manager] Britney's manager starts to read: Pathetic little goody-goody... miniscule little hick-town... Interbred people??? [he looks at Britney with sympathy] Oh, they didn't find out about Chad, did they? Britney pouts: No! [she grabs the script] No!  It's this!  They called me a dork!  It's Dawson's Creek, not Dorkan's Creek! Britney's manager sighs: Britney, they didn't call you a dork, they called your character a dork.  If you want to be an actress you have to learn to separate yourself from your character. Britney: But I'm, like, not a dork! [she goes through her manager's bag and pulls out a mobile phone]  I want you to call Kevin Williamson right now! Britney's manager: You're an actress Britney, an actress. Britney: Well, the only characters I can play are beautiful and popular people! Britney's manager: They said you were beautiful! Britney: Well of course they did!  You know it would take too much work to make me look ugly!  Call him! Britney's manager gives up: Okay.  I will.  As soon as we get to New York. Britney: No!  I want you to call him now! Britney's manager: It's dangerous to make phone calls in aeroplanes!  We could all die! Britney: I don't care!  It's dangerous for my career to have me play a dork!  I want you to call Kevin now! Britney's manager: Britney... Britney: Now!  If you don't call him now I won't go on Dawson's Creek!  No one gives a fuck about Dawson's Creek!  No one even knows where it fucking is! Britney's manager: Okay!  [soothingly]  Calm down Brit... [he takes the phone and dials] Hello?  Kevin?  Great, this is...                                      ************************** Dawson sighs: So... Kimberly's coming?  Why didn't you tell me? Jen groans: Oh, don't even get me started on her.  Kimmy is... [Jen smiles sadly] Well, I suppose Kimmy isn't that bad.  I guess I've always been envious of her because she's so pretty and has such a good figure.  She was always the most popular of the two of us.  She always got all the guys.  Oh Dawson... I'm afraid that Kimmy will take you away from me. Dawson: Kimmy couldn't take me from you.  You're very special to me Jen. Jen: Oh Dawson, you only say that because you haven't met Kimmy yet.  Everyone seems inadequate next to Kimmy...                                      ************************** The cast of Dawson's Creek are sitting around a table in a small room, doing a reading of the script and, as the script goes on, becoming increasingly confused. James Van Der Beek: Kimmy couldn't take me from you.  You've very special to me Jen. Michelle Williams: Oh Dawson, you only say that because you haven't met Kimmy yet.  Everyone seems inadequate next to Kimmy - what? [sighs] Kevin, what IS this? Katie Holmes nods: This scnee is completely different to the one you handed us on Monday. [she flicks through the script] I can only imagine what you've done to the rest of the script.... Kevin Williamson looks at them apologetically: I'm sorry guys but I got a phone call the other day and - Michelle: You can't have Jen say those things.  She wouldn't say something like that. Katie: No one would. [adopts a sarcastic sugary tone] I guess I've always been envious of her because she's so pretty and has such a good figure... Kevin: Britney called yesterday.  She didn't like what the script said about her character and wanted it changed. Joshua Jackson: Fuck!  We didn't even want Britney on the show in the first place and now you're letting her change the script? Meredith Monroe: I don't see you doing that for any of us! Kevin raises his hands in an attempt to make peace: Look, Britney's had a tough time. Michelle: Yeah, she hasn't seen Justin in a whole week! Kevin: No, really.  Her plane suffered severe turblulence on the way here.  Right in the middle of her phone call to me to be precise. James: And we wonder why that is. Kevin stands up: So, I'll tell you what - I liked the original script better too.  But the fact of the matter is that you lot are a whole lot more stable than Britney is.  So we're just going to have to try to compromise.  I'll rewrite some of the script - in fact, I'll do it now that important to you.  There's not sense in rehearsing lines we have no intention of using.  [he smiles at Michelle] And don't worry, I will let Jen speak her mind... to some extent.                                      ************************** Dawson sighs: So... Kimberly's coming?  Why didn't you tell me? Jen groans: Oh, don't even get me started on her.  Kimmy and I have never gotten along.  Ever since we were little girls - Kimmy has always been the favourite.  She has this phony, all-American sweetheart thing going, but the fact is we all know she's just a big tramp. Dawson raises his eyebrows: Only - Jen nods: Only without the reputation. Dawson kisses Jen quickly on the cheek and takes a step back from the doorway: Well then, I can't wait to meet her. Jen rolls her eyes as Dawson walks across her front lawn: Neither can I Dawson, neither can I. Cut to Dawson's Creek opening credits.  "I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over..." It is morning.  Pacey is running through the hallway of Capeside High urgently, as classroom doors slam all around him.  He makes him way around the corner and collides with Abby, who is standing leisurely by her locker reading Seventeen.  She shrieks and shoves him away. Abby smoothes down her clothes: Ew!  Get off me you freak!  What do you think you're doing? Pacey rolls his eyes and walks away from her, though at a much slower pace:  Gee, I don't know... English? Abby walks quickly, like a cat, to catch up with him: And you do like to go to English, don't you Pacey? Pacey: No Abby, English just happens to be the class that we go to first period on a Wednesday. Abby looks panicked for a split second: Yeah, whatever.  So, are you going to Chris's Christmas party on Friday? Pacey: I wasn't invited.  You don't like me - remember? Abby: Well, I would have thought Jen would have invited you. Pacey: You don't like her either. Abby smiles and shrugs: Well, not at this point in time.  But really, Jen and I are two kindred spirits trying to escape the terminal boredom of teenage life in a small town... she's better than most people, although... [smiles wickedly] she is a bit of a wet rag. Pacey is sarcastic: Oh, you hurt me with that one, Abby. Abby: I try.  [they reach for the classroom door] So you guys will try to come, right? Pacey shrugs: I guess so.  But I'm still totally lost as to why you'd want us there... Abby: Now Pacey, how can you question my motives like that? They enter the classroom and shut the door behind them. Teacher's voice can be heard from behind the door: Mr Whitter!  Miss Morgan!  Do you have any idea what time it is? Cut to... it is lunchtime.  Andie is making her way through the schoolyard when she spots Joey sitting alone doing a sketch.  She walks over and sits down. Andie: Hi Joey! Joey looks up and smiles: Oh, hi Andie. Andie: Whatcha drawing? Joey quickly covers her artwork, embarrassed.  She shrugs: Nothing much.  Just stetches. There is a brief silence. Andie grins: It's not my naked brother again, is it? Joey blushes: No.  It's nothing interesting, just some birds... [she appears to think for a couple of seconds and then shows the drawings to Andie] Andie picks them up: Oh wow!  These are good! Joey shrugs: I'm not exactly onto abstract expressionism or anything yet. Andie shakes her head: No, they really are good.  I wish I could draw.  Unfortunately all the artistic talent in my family went to Jack. Pacey rushes over and sits next to Andie, pecking her on the cheek. Andie returns the kiss: Hey Pace!  What are you so excited about? Pacey: You. Joey rolls her eyes but smiles: No, seriously. Andie: I'm not worthy of getting excited about? Pacey in a dirty tone:  Oh, you know you're exciting Andie... [Joey makes a face of disgust] but... are you guys doing anything on Friday night? Andie: No.  I mean, I was thinking we could maybe get started on our history assignments, but... Joey: Why? Pacey: I didn't think so.  So, I was thinking, seeing as no one has any extracurricular plans we could all go to Chris's Christmas party. Joey: Chris's Christmas Party?  That is tacky!  Where did he come up with that one, a hallmark card? Pacey: Tackey? yes, but it's a party, and it's gotta be better than the civil war. Andie: I don't know Pacey... I don't really feel comfortable around Chris.  Those people don't really seem to like us - haven't you noticed? Pacey: Andie Andie Andie.  The guy has a big screen TV with every station around the world.  We can watch Party Of Five in Japanese.  Granted, we won't be able to understand it, but... Joey: Who's coming? Pacey: You guys, me, Dawson, Jen... Joey groans: Jen? Pacey: Oh get over it already. Andie smiles: Jack?  You know he has a bit of difficulty making friends.  He doesn't know that many guys here. Pacey: Sure.  Jack can come.  I'm not running the party. Joey: No.  Chris is. Pacey: But that won't stop you from coming, will it? Andie: Of course not. Joey shrugs: I'm in. Cut to... Dawson and Pacey are walking up the lawn towards Dawson's house. Pacey is pleading: Oh come on Dawson... you have to come.  It's not like you could possibly have anything better to do. Dawson laughs: For all you know I could have a hot date... Pacey: Well, Chris's house has a hot tub, so you'd have even more fun if you took her to the party.  Besides, you couldn't have a hot date, all our friends are going to the party... Joey's going... Jen approaches from behind and says: Where is Joey going? Pacey: Chris's party... and you're coming too, right? Dawson sighs: Pacey, I can't for the life of me comprehend your enthusiasm over Chris's party.  We don't like them... Jen: And they don't like us. Pacey: No Jen, I'm fairly certain Abby likes you. Jen: No she doesn't... [she pauses] I suppose I'll come. Dawson: Jen!  You just totally contradicted everything you were saying! Jen shrugs: Look, it will keep Kimmy out of my hair... ofr a while at least. Pacey: Kimmy? Dawson: Jen's illustrious cousin.  She's staying here over Christmas.  She's arriving this afternoon. Jen looks at her watch: She should be here soon actually...                                      ************************** Britney Spears is sitting in the makeup chair having her hair extensions blow-dried.  She pouts. Britney: Hurry up!  I'm sick of sitting here!  I want to go on set!  I want to act! Hairdresser: Just a few more minutes dear... Britney: No!  You've been saying that for the past two hours! Hairdresser: Well it takes two hours to make you up. Britney: No it doesn't!  I'm pretty!  I barely need makeup! Hairdresser: Everyone needs this much makeup... Britney: No they don't!  I'll bet Katie Holmes doesn't need this much makeup!  And if Katie Holmes doesn't need this much makeup, nither do I!  Will you get my manager??? Hairdresser: Just a few more minutes dear... Britney: No!  I want him now!  If you don't get him now I won't go on Dawson's Creek!  I don't have to, you know. Hairdresser: I thought you wanted to go on Dawson's Creek, dear.  Isn't that why you called Kevin? Britney: I didn't call Kevin!  He called me! [she becomes cheerful]  When do I get to meet Dawson?                                      ************************** Dawson: Jen's illustrious cousin.  She's staying hereover Christmas.  She's arriving this afternoon. Jen looks at her watch: She should be here soon actually... [groans] Do you want to come in?  I can't bear to face her alone. Dawson raises his eyebrows and smiles: Well, as I said last night, I can't wait to meet her.  Pacey? Pacey: Sure... They walk over to and inside Jen's house and begin to make their way to her bedroom. Pacey: So, tell me about Kimmy. Jen groans: Do I have to? Pacey: Well, you could start with why you dislike her so much. Jen: Kimmy is just such a fake bitch - They enter the room and come to a halt. Sitting on a chair in Jen's bedroom is Kimmy, a girl with long blonde hair and short shorts.  She is painting her toenails. Kimmy flicks her hair over her shoulder, lifts her head to look at tem and flashes a big smile: Jen!  Hi! Jen frowns briefly before returning the smile: Hi Kimmy.  You arrived early. Kimmy: Just an hour ago. [she laughs] I couldn't wait to get here.  I've just been sitting here, waiting... anticipating your arrival. Jen: And here I am. Kimmy: Yes! [she jumps up from the bed and rushes over to give Jen a hug[] Hi Cuz!  It's so great to see you again! Jen gives a weak smile as she is crushed by Kimmy's hug: Yeah.  Really.. great. Kimmy breaks away: So - who are your hunky friends? Jen: Huh? [she turns around, dazed, to see Dawson and Pacey]  Oh... Kimmy, this is Dawson and Pacey. Kimmy: Hi Dawson, hi Pacey.  It's so exciting to meet Jen's friends. Dawson: And it's so exciting to meet you.  Jen's told us so much about you... Kimmy: I imagine she has... good stuff I hope? [she is joking but has no idea how close to the truth she really is] Pacey: Wouldn't you love to know? Kimmy: Yeah... when do you guys get out of school? Jen: Tomorrow's our last day. Dawson: As it is all over the country. Kimmy: Sorry, I wouldn't know. Jen:  Kimmy doesn't go to school. Kimmy: I used to, but it bored me so much. Pacey: And that makes you different to us in what way? Jen: Kimmy's a dancer. Kimmy: And a singer, and an actress. Jen: She's very multi-talented. [Jen is sarcastic but Kimmy doesn't notice] Pacey: Well, we'll have to see you in action some time. Kimmy's face lights up as though an idea has suddenly come to her: Hey!  I know! [she looks at Jen, wide-eyed]  I don't want ot be alone tomorrow so I could maybe... like... come into school with you? Dawson: Are you sure that wouldn't be too boring for you? Kimmy: Well, I don't go to school every day, so it's kinda novelty for me. Pacey: Lucky you. Jen: I suppose so... although you would get to spend some quality time with Grams if you stayed at home. Kimmy: Oh, that would be adorable! [to the boys]  Grams is such a doll - have you met her? [they nod] But I think I'd rather spend time with people my own age tomorrow. Jen shrugs: Okay... Dawson: So Kimmy, where are you from? Kimmy: Kentwood.  It's just the nicest little place - not that Capeside isn't gorgeous!  Have you... Cut to Joey who is waitreessing at The Icehouse.  It's a slow night, so she's doing her biology homework at the counter. Jack approaches from behind and taps her on the shoulder.  She jumps in fright and turns around. Joey: Huh? [she relaxes] Oh hi Jack... Jack: Hi Joey. Joey glances at her watch: You're here for your shift? Jack: Yep. Joey shakes her head: You can go home if you like.  It's a slow night.  I'm sure I'll be able to handle it myself. Jack: No, it's okay, I'll stay.  Andie can handle... you know... at home. Joey: Okay... suit yourself. [she turns back to her work] Jack: Andie told me about the party on Friday.  Are you going? Joey sighs in annoyance: Is that all anyone can talk about today?  It's Chris's party, someone we don't even like.  I can't believe things are getting so inconsequential around here that the only thing we have to discuss is some vacuous jock's party. Jack steps back in mock fear: Woah... No need to bite my head off.  But are you going? Joey laughs: Yes.  Everyone is.  I guess I'm just a follower. Dawson enters The Icehouse and walks up to the counter. Dawson: Hey Joey! ... Jack. Joey: Hi Dawson. Jack is less enthusiastic: Hi. Joey: What's up?  Don't tell me you've come to ask me if I'm going to Chris's party. Dawson smiles and shakes his head: No. Joey: Thank god. Dawson: I don't have to.  Pacey already told me you were going. Joey: Right.  But this means you must have some other news to enlighten me with. Dawson: Mmm-hmm. Jack rolls his eyes and walks away from Dawson to the other side of the counter, where he begins scrubbing. Joey: Well?  Spit it out. Dawson: Jen's cousin's come to stay over the Christmas break. Joey:  That's all we need - another Lindley girl to seduce every guy in Capeside. Dawson: Oh no, she's not a Lindley, she's a Colgate. Joey snickers: A Colgate?  As in the toothpaste? Dawson: Yep.  Kimmy Colgate. Joey: Oh, I can just imagine.  Do she and Jen get along well? Dawson: Actually, no.  Jen holds her inextreme contempt.  The feeling doesn't really seem to be mutual though. Joey: Well, if Jen hates her, she can't be too bad... even if her name is Kimmy.  What's she like? Dawson: Very attractive... [he doesn't notice Joey's expression darken]  Pretty nice, I guess... bubbly... just a little over-the-top.  You'll get ot meet her tomorrow.  She's coming into school. Joey is sarcastic: I can hardly wait. Dawson laughs as he takes a step back to leave the restaurant: No one can. Cut to Dawson who is standing in his bedroom late the same night.  He is wearing a t-shirt and a pair of boxer shorts.  He walks to his bedroom window and looks over towards the Lindley house. Cut to Kimmy who is standing in the bedroom she's staying in at Jen's house.  She slips out of her shorts to get changed into her nightgown.  She glances out the window towards Dawson's house to see him standing at his windoe, looking at her.  She smiles to herself and walks closer to the window. Cut to Dawson who can now easily see Kimmy at her window.  He watches her slide the shorts down her legs and toss them away and moans as she begins to lift her top off. Cut to Kimmy who swiftly pulls her top off and begins to unclasp her bra, with all the skill of a professional stripper. Cut to Dawson who is now positively leering out the window. Cut to Kimmy who glances momentarily at Dawson and beings to untie her hair, shaking it out in curls behind her.                                      ************************** Cut to James Van Der Beek who is now positively leering out the window. Cut to Britney Spears who glances momentarily at James and begins to untie her hair, shaking it out in curls behind her.  As she does so, her hair begins to fall out.  She screams. Kevin Williamson: Cut cut cut.  [he walks over to Britney's set.  She tries to cover herself, embarrassed]  Okay, who did Britney's hair?  [he picks the extensions up from the ground]  Whoever did Britney's hair didn't put the extensions in properly. Britney points at the Hairdresser: It was her!  She was the one who did my hair wrong! [she turns to Kevin and whispers]  I didn't like her one bit.  She was rude to me! Kevin turns to the Hairdresser: Well, would you fix up Britney's hair so we can do the scene again?                                      ************************** Cut to Dawson who is now positively leering out the window. Cut to Kimmy who glances momentarily at Dawson and beings to untie her hair, shaking it out in curls behind her.  She looks at him again, seductively, and pulls off her bra. Cut to Dawson who gasps and runs off to the bathroom. Cut to Kimmy, who is pulling her nightgown over her head.  She glances over at Dawson's window, smiles, and climbs into bed. Cut to first ad break...                                      ************************** Three months later... Britney Spears is sitting in a radio station at Sydney's Bondi Junction, being interviewed by radio DJs Ugly Phil and Jackie O. Ugly Phil: And that was the brand new hit by 5ive.  Here I am again in the studio with the extremely sexy Britney Spears and I have to tell you... I think she wants me.  So Britney, how does it feel to be a sex symbol at such a young age? Britney: Well I don't really think of myself as a sex symbol.  I don't try to, like, look sexy, but, you know, if people want to think I am there's not much I can do about it. Ugly Phil: So you're saying you don't try to portray yourself as sexy? Britney looks confused for a moment: Ah... no.  I don't try to be sexy.  People just think I am, you know? Ugly Phil: But Britney, you have to admit you do some pretty provocative things.  Like the Rolling Stone cover... Jackie O: With the snail trail! Britney: Oh, that was, like, just a fun thing... Ugly Phil: And that episode of Dawson's Creek you were in got pretty steamy. Jackie O: They had to put a parental warning at the beginning... Britney: Well, it's funny, you know, 'cause I had very little control over what was in the script.  I couldn't really have asked them to change it and, like, if I had they probably wouldn't have.  I'm an actress, I justy did what I had to do, you know? Ugly Phil: I get what you're saying. Britney: I'm just a good Christian girl from a good Christian family.                                      ************************** And that's where it ended.  The plan was for Kimmy to hit on every guy in the show, causing all of them to fall in lust with her (apaert from Jack, because he was gay, which would, of course, really upset Kimmy), and for Dawson to end up losing his virginity to her, which would crush Joey. Great stuff, huh? ;) back

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws