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| Clever Girl... >> Writing >> Dramatic monologue ranty kinda thing... I wrote this in a gender studies lecture in May. I know it's lame, but it was just a stream of consciousness type thing that I wrote after nearly passing out an hour earlier in Manning. Everytime I see you it takes my breath away. When I'm with you I feel faint and nauseous and lightheaded, and I can't stop shaking like a little girl, so jumpy. I can't talk, even though I am the consummate extrovert. Everything about you is just so unnervingly beautiful, turning me into a quivvering sixteen-year-old mess. Of course, you are far too good for me, after all, what would I bring to such a relationship? Nothing. I am just a fake, a performance. Take away my hair, my clothes, my boots, my lipstick. Give me ponytail, deprive me of bleach and a blowdrier, hand me a pair of trackies, rub my skin red raw. And then what would be left? Ugliness. Is there even anything more than ugliness in the first place? I wouldn't know, because I can't see me... except for an occasional glance in the mirror, a pose. If I could see me the way you see me, the way everyone sees me, what would I see? Pink. Paleness. 3-inch boots. Platforms. Pastels. An empty vessel? No personality? Or perhaps too much personality. An eccentric, a ditz. Giggley. But you have a personality. You have a mind. Do you see that I have a mind? Or is it just that I am too afraid to show it? You need a beautiful girl, a clever girl, a witty girl. Do you have one? And why do I even care? Why do you induce such nausea? Why does my blood sugar level drop whenever you are within sight? Why is it that the one person I want to reach out to is the one person I fear? You deserve better. You will do better, I know, I know. Do I even care? I don't know. A little. I'm not in love, that's for sure. I don't need you, I just want you. It's an infatuation, an unbridled lust. It's not important, it's not all-encompassing, it's nothing. But still I palpitate and faint whenever you come near, my love. It was all meant to mean nothing, just a hobby crush, a distraction. It still means nothing, but how did you suddenly invade my mind? I teetered around the edge for two months, maybe more? I say it means nothing, but then one day I teeter too far and fall into the rabbit hole. Literally. I'm just back where I was before, where it means nothing, but I'm in a hopeless situation. I'm powerless, or maybe not literally, but you bring something out in me that scares me, and I don't like it. But if I don't like it then why do I like you who brings it out, even creates it in me? This is not me, this is false, but yet not a performance, so maybe it is me. The real me. I hope not. So why do I care? Maybe I need to. I don't know why I care, my love, but I do. back |
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