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| Clever Girl... >> Writing >> Big Brother Whilst "studying" for my gender studies take home exam, I stumbled through some websites about that exercise in inanity, Big Brother, one of which allowed you to make your own story about your friends appearing on the program. I tried it, found the results hillarious, and promptly sent my story to some of the friends involved. Andrew later sent me his copy, and I decided that if our two stories were to be combined we could perhaps end up with something truly funny (to those who know the people involved), while at the same time deleting our respective crushes' names from the mix (it's a long shot, but who knows who could stumble upon this site?). I present you with... Big Brother! Day 1 - Andrew admits stright away that he doesn't like the look of Rachel. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Liv is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Zubin later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality. 2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Simon creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Chantelle hits him with a chopsticks. 3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a moden of a maison derriere out of SPC baked beans and spaghetti (for hungry little human beings). After much persuasion by Simon, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task. 4- Training for the maison derriere task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Zubin, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the SPC baked beans and spaghetti (for hungry little human beings). Chantelle is furious. 5 - Today is the day when the maison derriere task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Zubin farts and blows the maison derriere over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Rachel cries. 6 - Simon gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day. 7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Rachel admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a chopsticks. Andrew says he never wears condoms because they makes his V8 supercar sore and Simon agrees. Liv goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Zubin sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Simon. 8 - Today is the first day the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Andrew goes round to everyone one by one, tellinh yhem he really likes them because they're the only ones in the house he can really relate to. Chantelle and Rachel are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Andrew. 9 - Chantelle and Rachel are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Liv sings them a song - Who Let The Dogs Out - to make them feel better. 10 - The public vote Rachel out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Rachel leaves. 11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Rachel's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Liv has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Chantelle is visibly depressed and is comforted by Simon, who tries to touch her purse. 12 - The Big Brother psychologist replays the footage of Simon touching Chantelle's purse over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the cirumference of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it. 13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Zubin refuses to run because his V8 supercar hurts a bit. 14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Zubin finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Chantelle calls Zubin a lazy V8 supercar. 15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Andrew tells everyone individually that he thinks Chantelle is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Chantelle and Simon are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Andrew. 16 - The nominations are announced. Chantelle can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Simon is equally stunned and turns to Chantelle for comfort. Zubin is distraught and confesses to Liv that he thinks he is in love with Simon. Liv says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all too boring and heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know. 17 - The pbulic vote Simon out of the house. Chantelle says she is gutted and even gives Simon a clipping of hair from her purse to prove how much she cares. Zubin is also devestated but keeps his hair to himself. Simon leaves. 18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Chantelle clipping the hair from her purse. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agrees as viewing figures soar. 19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Andrewlia in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it. 20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Andrewlia sounds like but Zubin says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Andrew as the one who must complete the task. 21 - Andrew successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Andrewlia but also God Save The Queen, Who Let The Dogs Out, and the theme tune to Buffy. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact yhat a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public wants to kill him. 22 - Nominations are due and Andrew tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Zubin and Liv are nominated. 23 - Zubin and Liv take their nominations well and sit down with Andrew and Chantelle to discuss why they voted for them. Andrew keeps quiet but Chantelle accuses Zubin of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred V8 supercar before bursting into tears. 24 - The public vote Liv out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Liv leaves. 25 - Andrew becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother psychologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Andrew's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker. 26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tonnes of werewolf dung using only a chopsticks. Andrew is unsure but Zubin is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget. 27 - Completely out of the blue, Zubin breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the werewolf incident from his childgood. Chantelle tries to persuade him to stay, but Andrew sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Zubin decides to leave. 28 - With only two housemates remaining, the werewolf dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Chantelle from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden. 29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Andrew asks Chantelle to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Andrew nominates Chantelle to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Chantelle. 30 - When the nomination is announced, Chantelle graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Andrew is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a hude sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Andrew takes his $70,000 and runs away to Andrewlia. Nobody, including Chantelle, ever sees him again. Wanna try? Big Brother back |
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