Sean's POV
I don�t know why Hunter and I are suddenly on a plane to Texas. I shouldn't want to be there. But O'Haire was freaking out when he called us. He never freaks out. Of everyone I've ever met in my entire life he's the only guy I've ever met who has it all under control. He didn't tonight though. Lucky for us Vince was able to charter us a flight to San Antonio.
Sean didn't say exactly what was wrong. Just that Shawn was hurt and needed us. So now I'm worried. I'm really worried. I don't know why. Except� Maybe Kevin was right. Maybe I've gotten so used to getting things my way in the Kliq I can't stand that someone else may be getting my attention. I shake my head and lean against Hunter's shoulder. Maybe if I fall asleep I'll be able to figure this out.
I must have dozed off because the next thing I know Hunter's gently shaking me awake. I open my eyes and look out the window. I've always liked the view of San Antonio from the window of a plane. I stretch out and sit up as we taxi down the runway. It's not long before we're off the plane and hurrying towards the luggage carousel. Hunter goes and grabs our bags while I get us a rental car.
Another few minutes and we're on our way to Shawn's house. When we get there we see several cop cars just leaving the driveway. Hunter barely stops the car before I'm out of the car and running up the driveway.
O'Haire greets me at the doorway with a grim smile. Before I can ask what's wrong, he speaks. "He tried to kill himself. I came here to make sure he got Coach's message. I found him in the bathroom�" His voice cracks and he looks down at the ground. "His wrists were slit from wrist to elbow. Both of them." He shakes his head as if trying to clear out the images. By now Hunter is standing beside me and leading us both in to the living room. He pushes gently on Sean's shoulder and pulls me onto his lap.
I wasn't even aware of the tears rolling down my face until he wipes them away. I look to Sean and he looks up at me with a frown. "He left this for you and Hunter and another for Kevin and Scott." He hands me a small envelope. Hunter takes it from him and looks at me.
"You said tried. As in past tense. Why are you giving me this if he's okay?"
"Because he's not okay. Fucking Christ Sean. He tried to kill himself. If I hadn't of showed up he'd be dead by now. As it is no one is sure he's going to make it. He lost too much blood. I figure the least you can do is read that and tell me why the fuck he'd try to do this to himself." He growls before hopping to his feet and stalking back and forth across the room. "I know you don�t like me for whatever petty reason. But you know what I don't give a flying fuck. I know you think he's been moving in on me but the fact of the matter is I've been trying to hook up with him. I care about him. Chuck's been cheating on me since he and Billy first started tagging together. But I don't care about all of that. The only thing I care about is that beautiful blonde Texan who as we speak may be dying. So read the note or don't. I don't really give a flying fuck. When you decide you want to be a man about all of this I'll be at the hospital."
I watch silently as he stalks from the house and then I hear the roar of the engine of what had to have been his rental in front of ours. It's not until I hear him pull away that I break down. He's right as much as I hate to admit that. I have been acting like a spoiled child. I just hate that for me to figure this out it came at Shawn's expense. It wasn't always like this. He and I used to be close. We used to be closer than any of the guys. With the exception of him and Kevin. I pull back from Hunter's arms and look at the envelope in his hands. I grab the piece of paper and frown at Shawn's scrawled lettering. I tear open the letter and pull it out.
Sean and I guess by extension Hunter,
I've done a lot of thinking about this and you're right. I don't belong in the Kliq. I am the weak link. You've been right about a lot of things. Like maybe I don't deserve Kevin's affections. But quite frankly it's the only thing I've ever truly wanted. Someone's unconditional affection and love. Kind of like what you have from Hunter.
There is something you're wrong about. I've only slept with about four people in my entire life. You, Hunter, Kevin and Marty. Don't worry your precious Scotty is clean. If you talk to him would you please tell O'Haire that I cared about him. He's a beautiful man and I really would have liked to get to know him better.
I guess in closing I should say that I know you hate me and I know you think you have ample reasoning but I'll be damned if I know what it is. Just know that no matter how you've ever felt about me, I've always loved you. You're my baby brother and I would have walked through fire to protect you.
Love
Shawn Hickenbottom
Hunter's POV
Sean's in tears again and this time I don't bother to wipe them away. I don't wipe his away because I'm too busy trying to keep my own in check. I never knew he was so insecure. Shawn I mean not Sean.
I always knew he wasn't exactly� I don't know as secure as the rest of us. Especially after Kevin went to WCW but I didn't realize he was quite that insecure. I read back over the note and by the time I'm done Sean is on his feet and his face is dry. "We have to get to the hospital. We also have to call Scott and Kevin and at least let them know."
I nod my head and watch as Sean grabs the phone. I'm glad he's making that phone call. I wouldn't want to be the one to tell Kevin. He's going to flip out.
I'm astonished though that Shawn had only been with four guys. And that Scott isn't on that list. I frown as Sean hangs up the phone and starts gnawing on his lower lip. That usually means he's just gotten yelled at. He's not used to everyone coming down so hard on him and I'm worried about what its going to do to him. I know I should be worried about Kevin and Shawn more than anyone but Sean is my lover. More than that he's my love.
He doesn�t say anything to me just grabs my hand and pulls me out to the rental. I follow him willingly. There's no doubt in both our minds who's in charge of our relationship. I don't want to be in charge. I'm perfectly happy following him around.
We reach the hospital they've taken Shawn to in record time. He all but breaks down the doors when they don't open before we get there. He rushes in to the nurse's station where we find O'Haire arguing with the nurses. Apparently they are refusing to let anyone who's not listed as next of kin go in and see him.
Scott's POV
I turn to see Kevin watching me like a hawk. Now how in the fuck do I tell my very protective lover that the man he views as his little brother just tried to kill himself? I sigh and sit on the bed next to him and calmly reveal everything that Sean told me.
A few minutes later and the room looks like it has every nurse and doctor in the hospital in here trying to get Kevin to get back into bed. I hate to tell them that there's no way it's going to happen. It doesn't matter that he's just gotten out of surgery no less than nine hours ago. It doesn't matter that the doctor says he can't leave the hospital or he might get infected. His only thought right now is getting to Shawn and making sure he's okay. Which I completely understand and is probably why I'm standing here holding his stuff while he argues with the nurses and doctors.
No one will ever be able to out stubborn my lover. Not even Sean can make Kevin change his mind once he's set on doing something. The doctor turns to me and asks me to help him but I know better. I'm not going to butt heads with Kevin over this. We're going to a hospital. If he needs further care they can take care of it there. I tell the doctor all of that and he finally relents.
Next thing I know we're back in a vehicle this time speeding towards the airport. We get there just before the last flight to Texas leaves. Thankfully it was empty and no one is scheduled to get on in Texas so we manage to get a couple of seats easily. They also very nicely hold the plane while I try to help him through the airport. Carrying seven feet three hundred and twenty pounds of very pissed off Kevin isn't nearly as much fun as one might think.
Finally he's situated on the airplane and before we take off I manage to get him to take a couple of painkillers. He hates them. Hell we all do. But I'm not letting him sit through a five-hour flight in pain. A few minutes into the flight and he's passed out. That would be part of what we hate about painkillers. None of us have much of a tolerance for them. He sleeps through the flight and by the time we've landed he's waking up and shaking the cobwebs out of his head.
Kevin's POV
Everything's a little cloudy as the plane stops its taxi down the runway. The only good thing about those fucking pain pills Scott made me take is I don't feel much as we get to our feet and stumble out of the plane. At least I'm not the only one who's stumbling.
Before I can blink, or at least it seems that quickly we're in a rental car on our way to the hospital where Shawn is. I still can't believe he did this. Why would he try to kill himself? I know he's hurting because of Sean but he has to know that I'd miss him. Scott would miss him. A hell of a lot of people would miss Shawn.
We're finally at the hospital and I hurry from the car. I don't check behind myself to make sure Scott's following because something tells me he is. I walk through the doors and over to the nurse's station where I'm told that no one who isn't on his next of kin list is allowed access to any information. "Listen lady. I am his next of kin. Check the list. Kevin Nash."
She pulls up his file and frowns. "I apologize Mr. Nash. It's just there have been several other inquiries as to Mr. Hickenbottom's health and I do have to follow hospital procedure."
"I understand. Just get me someone to talk to who knows about his condition and who can okay me going to see him."
She nods her head and walks off. I think she should be moving quicker than she is but I'm suddenly torn from my thoughts of the nurse as a small brunette wraps himself around me. "M' so sorry Kev. Please forgive me. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I love Shawn. I really do. You were right. I was just jealous. Please don't be mad at me. Please Kevin. I'm so sorry."
I laugh softly and unwind Sean's arms from my waist. "Sean you need to say all of this to Shawn not me."
"They won't let me see him."
"Bullshit. I may be listed as next of kin but you're all on the list." I look up and see O'Haire looking at me as well. "Okay well at least Kliq is all on his list."
I'm pissed by the time the nurse comes back. "Sir you should go wait in the waiting room. The doctor is with him right now assessing his condition. He'll be out as soon as he can."
"What's the deal with these men not being able to find out Shawn's condition? Their names are Sean Waltman and probably Paul Levesque on your little list. They have his full permission to find out about his condition."
"When Mr. Hickenbottom was brought in, before he lost consciousness again he asked that you Mr. Nash be the only to have access to his information."
"And you decided he was mentally stable enough to make this decision? He'd just tried to kill himself."
"There was no reason why he shouldn't be able to make that decision."
"Lady he tried to kill himself. I know the reason and they don't concern anyone but his family but he's about as far from mentally competent as you can get."
"I'm sorry Mr. Nash. If you'd like to discuss this with the doctor you're more than welcome. I�m busy right now so if you'd kindly go into the waiting room."
I growl at her somewhat satisfied when she takes several steps back before I turn and head into the waiting room. Scott and Sean are right on my heels and Hunter is right behind them. I get the feeling that O'Haire is trailing as far behind as he can.
Sean practically sits on my lap and is upset as I think I've seen him in a very long time. He's still got tears on his face, which I don't think he even realizes. He's still apologizing, which makes me wonder why he's so sad. I ask him as gently as I can considering how pissed off I still am.
He silently hands me a piece of paper. I read it slowly before looking between Hunter and Sean. "I� I don't know what to say. I knew he was hurting because of the things you've said but� Dammit."
I look down at the piece of paper in my hands and then up at O'Haire. "Did you read this?"
He shakes his head slowly and shrugs. "But I'm not�" He trails off as I hand him the paper.
"You have as much right to read it as any of us do." He nods his head and takes the small sheet. I watch his reaction closely as he sinks into a nearby chair and wonder if he's realized yet that he loves Shawn.
O'Haire's POV
I think I know now what it feels like to have your heart shattered. He cares about me? Fuck. I knew he wasn't the slut everyone made him out to be. I mean Christ I've slept with more men than he has.
It takes every ounce of will power I have not to attack Sean, Hunter and Kevin for having had him though. Just knowing that they know what he tastes like hurts. I feel strong arms wrap around me and without knowing how I know, I know that it's Scott. He holds me for a while until he feels the tension drain out of me.
"When he gets better you'll talk to him and tell him how you feel. You'll be there to help him heal." I nod my head slowly. I should give Scott his and Kevin's note now. I'm just� I guess crushed is the word.
"I can't do this right now. I'm sorry." Scott nods his head and lets go of me as I get to my feet. I look over at Kevin apologetically and walk from the waiting room. I head for the doors to the outside and walk around the building a few times. I should probably find a gym and work out my feelings but right now I don't want to get too far from Shawn.
It's strange. I know that I was in love with Chuck but what I felt for him paled in comparison to what I feel for Shawn. I don't know how to describe it. I suppose if I were the hearts and flowers type I could compare it to something but I don't deal that way. I just hope I'm going to be able to convince Shawn to give me a chance.
I reach the entrance of the hospital for what has to be at least the fifth time and by now have worked myself into a state of gloom which I suppose is better than wanting to kill a man I admire as much as I admire Kevin. I head back inside and drop myself into a chair across from where Kevin is sitting staring into space with Scott wrapped against him on one side and Sean wrapped around him on the other. Hunter is holding Sean's hand as they still wait for the doctor.
I sit on the other side of Scott and force a sad smile onto my face. A sad smile is all I can manage right now. "Here Kev. Shawn left this for you." I hand him the small envelope and he takes it from me without a word. He looks at Scott who just nods and takes the paper from his shaking hands. That's either a sign he's pissed off or completely crushed.
Scott's POV
I slowly open the envelope and unfold the small piece of stationary. I begin reading knowing Kevin is looking over my shoulder.
Dear Kevin and Scotty,
Several people have told me that you both think so highly of me. I don't deserve it. Sean's right. I'm not worthy of you. Either of you. I am so sorry for this but I don't see much of way out other than this. You guys are too loyal to let me just go on my way and I need out.
Make no mistake I love you both with all of my heart. I really do but I just can't be with you guys anymore and since I know you both well enough to know you'd never let me go out of your sense of loyalty I'm leaving the only way I know how. I don't want to hurt you but if my assumptions are right than you won't miss me that much.
In closing I do love you both. With all of my heart. You're the only people who have ever made me feel like I belong but you don't have to worry about that anymore. I love you guys.
Love
Shawn Hickenbottom
I can feel Kevin tense up as we finish reading the letter. It's in his scratchy handwriting and I somehow think that's worse. Had he typed it up made it less personal it might not hurt as much. But fuck. He really doesn't have any self-esteem. I thought that was just when he was around Sean but I guess not.
As much as I know Kevin needs me right now I know someone who needs me maybe just a little more as I look across the waiting room to see O'Haire staring at us all with this horrible look of pain in his eyes. He's got lovely eyes.
I feel Kevin shove me lightly and I take the hint heading for his boy. I sit down next to him and wrap an arm around his shoulders. "Want to talk about it?"
"Not really." He says softly. Fuck it's heartbreaking to see this kid so torn up over this.
"You know this isn't your fault right?"
"I know. Just like technically it's not Kevin's fault. It's not your fault. It's not even really Sean and Hunter's fault but I have to blame someone and if I blame them I'm just as likely to kill them as I am to do anything else."
I nod my head just listening to him talk. Of all of Kevin's boys, Sean is the most like Kevin. He'll talk when's damn well ready to talk and I get the feeling he needs to talk. "It's just� When I found out Kevin was going to be okay I figured this is it. I get to make my move finally. I get to see if I can have anything with Shawn. And then this happens and now I'm scared. I'm more scared of losing a man I never had to begin with than anything else in the world. I've never been this scared in my life."
He shrugs and I stay silent letting him work out his feelings for himself. I've done the same thing with Kevin every time he's ever had a tough decision to make. "I think� I think I love Shawn. I don't know because I mean I really don't know Shawn all that well but� Nearly losing him has made me� Fuck. I don't know." He buries his face in his hands and I lean over him holding him tightly. Much like Kevin he's not going to cry but if he's as much like Kev as I think he is he'll feel better for having someone hold him.
He pulls away and hands me another sheet of paper. "He left this for me. I didn't want to believe it but now I don't know what to do now."
I take it from him and unfold it expecting and finding the scratchy handwriting that's so familiar to me.
Dear Sean,
I don't know how to say this but I guess I'll just start from the beginning. I'm so very sorry for this having happened. I don't know if you're hurting right now or not but if you are because of my choice I'm sorry.
It's been a long time since anyone has made me feel like I belong. It's been even longer since I've wanted to have a man's hands on me. You somehow manage to make everything seem better. But I can't do this anymore. I don't blame Sean for hating me. He's right you know. I am a horrible person. Okay so I'm not quite the slut he thinks I am but at the same time I'm no good.
You have to do something for me. Be good to Chuck. Make sure that he makes you happy and love him unconditionally because you only find true love once in a lifetime. I have finally found mine. I hate to say this at this point but that person is you. Unfortunately or fortunately I love you. It depends on whom you ask. For me it's unfortunately only in that you already have the man you love in your life.
I really hope that my doing this doesn't hurt you. I would never in a million years want to hurt you. If I do know that I will always be sorry for that.
I hate to drop this on you and leave but I do love you. I really truly do. Take care of Kevin and Scotty as well as Hunter and Sean for me will you? Someone needs to.
Love
Shawn Hickenbottom
Sean's shaking by the time I finish reading. He must have re-read the letter again. I turn silently and hold him. He's not weeping and I don't even see or feel tears but he's crying or as close as a guy like him can get to crying. I just remain holding him not saying a word but just keep my arms wrapped around him.
