How To Save Narcotics Anonymous

   Have you ever thought that maybe you have been
spiritually singled out to lead the masses in Narcotics Anonymous?

If you feel it's your chosen destiny to better the NA fellowship in spite of its pure simplicity and mundane loving nature,

this post is for you.

Many personalities in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous have acted in the alleged behalf of all the still suffering addicts in and out of recovery.

The following is a list of things to do when you have concluded that you, and only you, are in the position of saving the fellowship.

• Join as many subcommittees as humanly possible.
• Don't join H & I, as you will have to go to jails and institutions (to carry the message to the addict who might otherwise never hear the words "You never have to use again.")  You need the limelight to quickly move up to the top of the food chain in the service structure.  Addicts in the rooms, especially in the inner city clubs, will come to recognize you as Mr. or Ms. Addict.  Now you are starting to feel the power!
• Feel free to lump all people into categories as you see fit. Forget where you came from, it will do you no good where you are going and it will only make you weak.
• Share at ALL meetings you attend. after all, what YOU have to say benefits the fellowship.  God's word is spoken directly through YOU.  What you share is vastly more important than anyone else's words, so feel free to inspire the masses for at least twenty minutes.
• On that note, when someone else does get a word in edgewise, talk to the addict next to you and squirm in your seat as if you are completely bored and, of course, what they say is meaningless.   Especially the newcomer.
• Never take on meaningless responsibilities like opening the doors to the meeting and taking the responsibility of being there every week for a year.  You have better things to do, and sometimes they are more important than being a secretary.
• At NO time should you ever make coffee, set up the chairs, or stay afterwards to clean up the room.
• If you don't demand the recognition you deserve (as a born leader), you will never find the platform you need to begin your rise to power.
• Carefully manage all of your sponsees! Direct them to the join subcommittees that most need your impact.       This next part may be difficult.....
• MAKE SURE they know exactly what your opinion is before they get to the meeting, so you can have an impact.  That way you can avoid going to those damned meetings altogether.
• As a bonus feel free to tell them and those they sponsor what to do in all relationships and situations.  Pound into their heads that the cannot ever go against you or you will FIRE them!  (And don't forget to remind them of all the horror stories and gossip about other available sponsors.)
• Collect and wear loving t-shirts with sayings on them like "One program: One Disease: Mine!"  You should be able to get a color for every day of the week. :)
• Don't have sex with newcomers in THIS program. (You might have to occasionally grace the rooms of other programs to initiate this kind of action.)
• You may hate this one (we all do) but we do have to make the sacrifice in order to get the program back on track. Try this: Hook up with someone who has considerably less times than you have (over a year, sometimes nine months if they are really cute).
• This is how to build alliances with the opposite sex.  If you are dating them, they have to do as you say.  Teach them as if they were just another one of your sponsees. And make sure that she (or He) hammers your rules and regulations into their sponsees.  Soon everyone will know the Right Way To Think.
• If you manage to work up to the World Service level, remember that you probably wont be as revered in the same way as you are at home.  Although your ego (now so inflated that it barely gets through the doors to the rooms) says you should be venerated at the WSC, almost every one else there feels the same way.  However, the folks back home will think you are "all that and a bag of chips, errr key-tags" when you get home.  Always remember the names of the people who work at WSC.  (You will find out why in the next instruction.)
• You should really be able to steer your region/area in the right direction. Drop names of the heads of different subcommittees and potentates at World, reminding the region that YOU were there and THEY weren't.  This should probably get a few bylaws and rules run through with limited objection.  (Damn those people who still think for themselves...)  You may also be able to throw some of those people off the committees!
• Sponsor everyone you can, even if you don't have time for them. Make a list of do's and don'ts and just hand it to them when they need something.
• Hold a monthly meeting of all of your sponsees in your home (or some church in the area) to make sure they are all on the same page.  This cuts out those problematic "weekly meetings" with your sponsees.  Usually by the time the monthly sponsee meeting comes along, they won't need your help about that problem anyway!
• Do not waste time on anything other than being a high ranking soldier in the field of NA.  This means NO school and NO hobbies.  Try not to have to take the kid more than once a month.  They start getting you to think in a different perspective, and you may find that they don't melt under pressure the way your sponsees do.
• Remain vigilant in service (AND in gossip!) and know what is going on around you at all times.  You must control it, you  MUST.  Get in there and  nip it in the bud before it gets out of control.  Always remember the two key words in NA leadership:  Power and control.
• Ok boys and girls, go get em! Remember NA needs you, you don't need NA.

originally written with love by Jimmy S.
edited and revised by lw
thanks to Anna's page
Please do not take this literally : )
Meant as a humorous article only!

IF you are unable to perform
the above mentioned tasks
send 20 bucks to:

SAVE THE FELLOWSHIP
1240 Powerful Lane
Hazulteen Institute(Temporary address, I should be out soon!
I know more than the counselors here do!!)
Minneapulious, New Jersey  1/21/00

The money will go for those T-shirts.
Serious replies are not necessary.

Expanded Table of Contents Jimmy K.'s speech on the 20th anniversary of Narcotics Anonymous silent home view your words (guestbook archives) 1 2 3 4 5 6 9 my words 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 sign and view guestbook these pretty ducks need some e-mail !

This page is maintained for the convenience and humor of members of Narcotics Anonymous.
It is neither endorsed or approved by the WSO or any other board or commitee
of Narcotics Anonymous or individual group not named within.