Kassandra is relieved when the party finally breaks up and everyone goes to their rooms. She's been very close to tears for the last few hours, and was afraid she was going to break down in front of everyone. And then they'd ask her what was wrong, and they wouldn't understand her answer. Or the solution would seem obvious to them-- they who know so little of her complicated past. She can't talk to her parents...she probably can't talk to John...nor her cabal-mates...nor anyone in the chantry. She feels extremely alone right now. Very hollow. Which would be very appropriate, considering her "Tradition."
She hurries to her room and locks the door behind her. She looks around and sees her mother's snakes sleeping wrapped around each other. Now the tears finally fill her eyes. Even snakes have someone. She looks down at her tattooed arms and a sob bursts from her lips. Together...magical creatures...animals...people all around her are together...with someone of their own. HER someone didn't really love her...he was just using her...or WAS he? She remembers Orfirio telling her at everyone opportunity how beautiful she was...how much he loved her...he was always so gentle with her...
Kassandra slumps down onto the floor and sobs "Orfirio..." and rocks back and forth.
After a time she calms down...the words of her mentor coming back to her...explaining what Orfirio had been doing with the mind-control drugs...trying to impregnate her...and because of Orfirio she now she has little episodes all the time-- flashbacks and overwhelming moments of grief where she misses and needs him again. He has ruined her for anyone else. She is so terrified of men now!! Well...MOST men. She saw The Stranger dancing with her and her first fear was that it was Orfirio again because it was a black man. Then when she realized it wasn't Orfirio she was still very tense and worried that it was another man who would take her and possess her for himself.
Kassandra gets up and walks through the connecting door into her ritual-room-- carefully stepping high over the circle of ashes. She sees her baby...her lovely Andromeda laying curled in the middle of the room, eyes closed. She could talk to Andromeda, but Andromeda wouldn't understand. Tonight she needs some answers from those who have them.
She quickly moves around the room, setting up the statues of all three of her loas-- Papa Ghede...Ayida Wedo...and Dumballah. She sets their incense in front of them...fills their bowls with the flowers they love...sets a fresh bottle of the best spiced rum in front of Papa Ghede's statue. She doesn't have a feast for him tonight, but she's coming to him for comfort...she hopes he will be forgiving.
She turns on her music, and then on impulse decides to do this ceremony nude. She wants to kneel before the gods completely stripped of any protection...humble, and as she was when she was born. She quickly gets out of her clothes and throws them through the doorway into her bedroom. Then she lets her long, black hair down.
She cannot believe some of the people in her chantry! Aidan SLEEPS with Darcy...makes love to him...kisses him...goes out with him...but she's not in LOVE with him?? And he's so obviously in love with HER and she can't see it?? And then there's Kaiden sleeping with two different men in two days-- not emotionally impacted by this at all! And all these Cult of Ecstasy-people offering to sleep with her when they only just met her!! She doesn't get it at all! She's so ANGRY! Especially at Aidan for flirting with all the man, and now she's down in the horizon realm fucking JISHNA of all people!! While Darcy sleeps alone...miserable! How can people be so cruel??
She kneels down before the three statues and lights the incense, and then starts to sway-- arms held out pleading to them. When she feels herself in the right frame of mind she closes her eyes and sends her magic out.
"Papa Ghede...my protector...Ayida Wedo...my mother...Dumballah...my father...please...I beg you to come be here now...I ask you to hear me and comfort me and answer my questions, if you will. Please, my beloved ones...please come to me..." she begs, the tears starting to fall again.
In the room a crow flies...there is darkness and candles flicker when suddenly the candles are alight once more. Papa Ghede sits upon the statue, perched almost. He looks down at Kassandra. "Why you call me, child? Why you cryin? Did someone hurt my chile? Who dies this night?"
Kassandra exhales in relief when she sees him. She had an unexplained moment of terror when the room was suddenly dark and she almost started screaming-- which doesn't make ANY sense! Kassandra has always loved the darkness!
"Oh Papa!" she cries, crawling up to his statue on her knees, hands clasped at her chest. "I'm so lonely!" she sobs, and then covers her face and weeps. That's not the main reason she called him, but it's such a big part of her misery and it's what came out of her mouth. She hopes he doesn't think that's the only reason she called him! But all she can do right now is sob!
Papa Ghede watches her cry and waits silently as she weeps. When he feels it's abated a bit he asks,"Why you lonely? You pretty enough, you could find a man, sure nuff. Why yes you could. You need to trust men again. Not all of them want to hurt you."
"Oh Papa...I want what soulmates have! What Mom and Dad have...what Mom's snakes have...what Ayida and Dumballah have...what Romeo and Juliet had! I want my feelings to be returned! I want a man who looks at me and falls in love, and when I look at him I feel it, too! I've met so many men who would sleep with me-- if I'd wanted to I could have had a different man in my bed every night this week! But it would be empty...hollow...and I feel so hollow right now, Papa! I don't even think I can trust my own judgment! I..." Kassandra glances at the door as if someone could actually be there peeking in, and then looks back at Papa Ghede and closes her eyes.
"I think...that..." she blushes and clears her throat. "I don't know, but I think I love Uncle John. But...it might be because he rescued me from Orfirio...or because he's always been there since I was born...because I know I can trust him...because I feel safe with him. And those wouldn't be good reasons. And my parents would kill me AND him if we did anything, and then there's his ex-lover Zantanna who said she left him because he hates monogamy...so there it is then, isn't it?" she asks, and then bursts into tears again.
"But then we have moments where he's joking with me and smiling at me, and I feel warm and happy inside, and when he tells me he has to go I feel disappointed! And I don't want to fuck things up by making any moves! I'm happy just talking to him! But I hate that he has to go away in the end! I'm confused...I've been feeling so weak and so afraid I will fail you at my life-purpose because of how fucked up I am...I'm so lonely and confused...and I can't seem to find any other man interesting while I have this confusion about Uncle John...and then there's this guy who lives here who's the first gentle, smart, kind man I've met since Uncle John, but he's in love with another girl who doesn't love him, and I HAD been entertaining the idea of trying to break free of this hold my heart has on John by asking this other man out, but the other man's heart is taken, and the girl he loves might end up being possessive of him and might be angry with me if I approached him...and I don't know what my life's purpose is, so I can't turn to that to seek guidance in my decisions! I hate being so timid and afraid all the time, Papa! And I'm so sorry I've just been rambling! I'm so sorry if I'm wasting your time! You're the only one I felt I could talk to about this!" she cries, covering half her face with her hand.
Papa Ghede looks at Kassandra and shakes his head. "Dat not a problem, chile. Yous young still, and da Papa is takin care of tings. So you don't know whatcho suppose to do...no one does. As for dat Darcy fellow he alright. You see he knows she aint gonna love him so you go on ahead and asks him." Papa Ghede says shaking his head. "Some women just like da cock and not much else."
Kassandra wipes her eyes and looks up at Papa Ghede again. "I'm so nervous of being rejected by Darcy-- the way Uncle John rejected me...even thought he did it gently-- and then I'm afraid that if Darcy said yes that I'd be completely pissing Aidan off and it would ruin our new cabal! I even tried to ask Aidan if she loved Darcy first so I'd know if I should move forward with this idea! And she looked at me like I was crazy and then went off with our chantry-elder and is fucking him right now! In the horizon realm! While Darcy lays in bed alone and miserable! So then I went to Darcy to try to talk to him about his feelings for Aidan...to see if he WAS in love with Aidan, or if I was wrong and he was available...and he slammed the door in my face! So that answered my question..." she says, rubbing her sore nose without realizing it.
"I just feel like I don't belong anywhere. I don't want to sound pathetic, but I'm a third wheel for everyone. My parents have a bond that's just the two of them...John has a bond with his cabal-mates and other Order of Hermes members...my cabal-mates all have previously-existing relationships...I even felt a little sad when you said I was the only woman at the party who was off-limits for you because that was another relationship I was outside of. And at the same time I should be so happy that you see me as your child! That John said he'll always be there for me...that my parents love me so much! But right now all I can seem to see are doors shutting in my face." she sniffles.
Papa Ghede shakes his head in admonishment. "Yous young yet, chile. You have a whole life ahead o you. Why you want to settle down now? You go out dere and have fun, Papa's orders. You find the right one soon enough for sure." he says wagging his finger at her. "Now you git back up and know dat just because you alone doesn't mean you don't belong. You an important member of cabal. You be da spirit and dat important stuff."
Kassandra lowers her head and nods. "I'm just...lonely, Papa...and...I really miss having sex and being held and kissed and told I was beautiful. I want to have fun, but I'm scared of every strange man I see! And I want to have sex with someone, but I want it to be someone I know I can trust...someone I KNOW well enough. I'm not looking for a marriage-commitment or anything...I just want to have a real relationship...to know what it's like...to have someone sleep with me every night and hold me and be MY one and only who's always there for me-- physically AND the way Uncle John meant it!" She stops and think for a moment. "Maybe I just need to have sex and I'll calm down...I don't know...that's why I'm so confused. But I still want it to be with someone I know well and trust...if I DID have a one-night stand..." she muses. She glances up at Papa Ghede. "You still think I'm off-limits, don't you..." she sighs.
Papa Ghede laughs and nods, "Oh yes, chile. You me daughter and I always take care of me daughter. You go and find a man you can trust and do what comes naturally and maybe you calm done, sure." he says. "Now you go and have fun tomorrow night you hear?"
Kassandra can't help but give him a little smile back. "I'll try, Papa...for you I'll try! I just have one more question, but it's very important. Do you know why I was born? Is it because there's something important I'm supposed to do that only I can do? Mom said she wasn't supposed to be able to have children but the loas blessed her because I was a special child and the loas needed me to do something someday...that's what she told me."
Papa Ghede smiles and leans down impossibly while still perching on the statue. "I do, sure enough but I can't tell you, chile. That would be spoilin it." he says. He laughs deep and heartily. "You's here for a reason, sure, but what dat reason is? It's all in da tellin ain't it?"
Kassandra nods and exhales. She's glad she her mother was right...having a life-quest is what keeps her going each morning when she's depressed! Now for the part II question.
"It's OK-- you don't have tell me, Papa. I just wanted to make sure! So...whoever I decide to be with...however serious I get with them...it won't jeapardize what you need me to do?" she asks.
Papa Ghede laughs again, his rich baritone echoing in her room. "Now dat is something entirely different, chile. Yous just keep tryin to trick Papa into tellin yous well I ain't, sure. Papa has had enough of dese questions. It time to go," he says. "You just have fun but protect youself and all will be fine."
Kassandra looks alarmed when he thinks she's trying to trick him, and quickly gets up on her knees, clasping her hands together.
"Oh I wasn't trying to trick you, Papa! I promise! It's just that...Orfirio tried to get me pregnant for 3 years and couldn't, but I checked myself and I'm perfectly fertile...perfectly healthy in that way...so it lead me to believe that the loas didn't want me to get pregnant because it would interfere in my mission somehow. That's all I was trying to find out! If you said, 'You can get serious with a guy but no getting pregnant,' then I'd know how far I could take the relationship...not that I want to get pregnant...you don't have to worry about that! I DON'T! I just...wanted to enter the dating-world knowing my limitations beforehand...that's all! But if it was you guys keeping me from getting pregnant before-- or if it was just me doing it all along through my subconscious-- then I really don't have anything to worry about!" she smiles brightly. "But I'm not trying to get you to tell me anything-- I promise! I like to be surprised about SOME things!" she quickly adds.
Papa Ghede laughs again. "I said no more questions, chile and I meant it." he says as he begins to vanish. "You go on and have fun just protect youself and all will be fine. Use you head and you be alright." he finally vanishes into thin air as the crow finishes the rum and flies off.
Kassandra watches the crow fly out the window-- glad she warned the electricity-spirits not to touch any of her spirit-allies or else the electricity-spirits would be pretty dead by now if they'd tried to touch Papa Ghede! Then she sits back on her heels and exhales. She does feel better now. It was just good to talk to someone who knows the whole plan. Now she knows she DOES have a mission, and she's still on-track, and the loas just want her to have fun. So really she can do anything she wants as long as she protects herself...keeps herself safe. Now she has to figure out what she's going to do tomorrow when everyone's awake.
Kassandra stands and quickly tidies up her ritual-room, making sure everything is back in its place. Then she gets down on her hands and knees and kisses the end of Andromeda's nose fondly. "Andromeda?" she whispers. "Will you curl up with me in bed? I'm a little lonely." she asks.
"Yessssssss...." the large snake says as it slides across the floor underneath Kassandra and then raises itself upon the bed. It hisses softly coiling on the pillow. "Protect while you ssssleeepp."
Kassandra smiles and pads over to her bed-- careful not to disturb her mother's snakes who are still sleeping curled up together on the floor. She gets into bed, concentrates, and then shimmers-- transforming from her natural form into her snake-form. She curls around Andromeda-- not too tightly-- and rests her head on her familiar's coils. Soon her eyes close and she, too, sleeps entwined with someone she loves.