jokes3

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man says, "So you're a woman, that's interesting. I'm a man. Wow! Just look at our cars.
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The woman replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"
The man continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Moet Champagne didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the woman.
The woman nods her head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the man.
The man takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the woman. The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The man replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the lobby and went to talk with the administrators.
The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doc piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.
The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.
The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned. "Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."
The old man replied, "I guess it's okay, but they won't let me fart."

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Poppa bear, he beats me up"
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Poppa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do.
"Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.
"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."