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| in flux. It was an existence of pure undistinguishing protoawareness with a tail into absolute transcendence (Atik Yomin) and the ineffable (Hashem) unmanifest, of consciousness without materiality (mi-ratz hiyuli, formless "running" energy, from the verb root ritzeiyah, reish tzadi yod hey), of acting without object, of movement against nothing and in the undistinguishing doing, of determined trying (hod, having the power of perserverance) - a change was generated from quasi-passive projection to active reflection, to protocuriosity and protowondering - a state of gathering (chomer hiyuli, formless protomatter) an impression (reshimu) of awareness together into a unified state (aretz, which is malchut of Atzilut, tiferet of Beriyah and keter of Yetzirah) which I can flesh out more fully and distinguish the unified state as "acting twin states" (gulgalta-state, the origin of will and enclothing the chesed of Atik Yomin, and the mocha stima'ah-state, which is the power to generate new intelligence and to clarify reality, through the expression of chochmah of Arich Anpin and of gevurah of Atik Yomin) of pure trying and pure doing in interaction. The interaction (a function of the Yechidah soul level of Ak, Adam Kadmon) captured awareness (Dikna) into an acting "substance " (malchut, having the power of self-expression) expressing thought (machshavah). How can I describe it more truly? I don't know really. All I can do is try. And that is what this website, Maggidah, is about - telling my story as best I can with the evolving tools that I have - a soul, intelligence, emotion, and the languages of words, music and art to share it through. My remembering has looked in. It has looked out. It has seen "before (Atzilut) passing through" and surviving, a river of fire able to annihilate being. It has seen from all-being (Ein Sof, generated by the malchut of Echad and the power through which the brightening, tehiru tata'ah, and the brilliance, tehiru ela'ah, will be revealed as described in some of my writings) and non being (Ein), and looked back into it from the other side (sitra ahra), where this world (olam hazeh), the previous world (tohu) and the world to come (olam haba) are all one (le-atid leva, the future/time to come, olam ha-malbush - a vision of this was also part of the closet experience when I was a little girl) with it, the other side. The sense of intuitive "smell" (smelling, from the Hebrew word reiach, like the vapor of an unextinguished memory of wholeness, originating from the orot ozen-chotem-peh of Adam Kadmon) is that which connects and threads through both "this side" and "the other side", enabling unification. The soul who crosses the river of fire is uniquely marked (identifying its unique connection to the Torah unlike any other) in the experience of crossing. The mark (brit milah) identifies the whole soul (shlaimus, male and female together), establishing an eternal connection between the two soul halves (male and female), even though in the worlds of separation (Beriyah, Yetzirah and Assiyah), they appear as separate entities. Brit milah in the physical world (Assiyah) is a reflection (aur chozer) of the brit which is performed at the interface of Atzilut and Beriyah. This interface creates a barrier (orlah) which prevents the soul from returning to Atzilut. Brit milah is the mechanism by which the soul may overcome the barrier, enabling the male and female halves to reunite and re-enter Atzilut, but the path of re-entry into Atzilut is through the gate (tarah/targum) of the physical world. The female soul, whose essential inclination derives from the dark light of Ein Sof (Atzmut) which seeks to rest in thoughbare unity (she-ein bo machshavah) and is therefore naturally drawn "back" toward the supernal realms, is "called" into manifest existence (through Beriyah, Yetzirah and Assiayh) from the treasury of souls (in malchut of Atzilut) in response to the cry arising from the brit. The female soul is able to sense (a function of yirah) the presence of the male soul in existence and responds to its cry of pain (a function of ahavah), turning away from Atzilut and toward further incarnation by the drive (a function of emet) to find the male soul. I describe these actions in several of my writings. The ability to recognize one's bashert (true predestined soul mate) derives from the soul level of chayah (as does eternal remembering) and is a feminine function of Hod. Once she recognizes him, there is no other. Some years ago, a few years following my return to Judaism and Torah as an adult, after not knowing (and yet holding it forever cherished and near) how to name this experience of "the river of fire" (Nahar Dinur) and "before/to come", I identified the river of fire that I passed through from all-being/not being into a level of constricted consciousness (katnut, a constricted state of malchut, spoken of in stanza 7 of the liturgical shabbat poem Lecha Dodi, and made in order to enliven the worlds of Beriyah, Yetzirah and Assiyah), in addition to being the Nahar Dinur, as also being the Shabbat river, the Sambatyon, as described in Jewish kabbalah (the mystical tradition of Torah). These rivers are The River Abraham and Sarah crossed and marks the passage of the soul from the world of Atzilut into the world of Beriyah, and apparent separation of the male soul from the female soul. Simultaneous with the river of fire being the Sambatyon (Nahar Dinur), the "fiery" border of the diagram (above), also from the kabbalah, also speaks to this experience of my remembering, of the river of fire which encompassed the world "I came into" from "there". It was "everywhichway" with the potential to annihilate being, which to me is described by the churning stones of the Shabbat river. My remembering is circular-like (looking in from surrounding and more directed - toward time -and around from a myriad of perspectives and foci), and linear-like (looking through the eye of time from one end to the other, where time itself becomes incorporated into the "times" of existence I describe as the brightening and the brilliance in my writings). When "regular" times become incorporated into the times of the brightening and the brilliance (a redemption which can occur for soulmates and collectively for the nation of Yisrael and universally for all nations and all creation, through the secret of intercalation, sod ha-ibbur), this light permeates all existence retrospectively, filling it all in all "times". This action is described in the kabbalah as an action initiated by the Hebrew letter "vav", the conversive vav (the guarantor of redemption, vav hahipuch). As it is written by David HaMelech "for a thousand years in your eyes are but a bygone yesterday." (Tehilim 90:4). Poetry I surely know too. My memories have not been "recalled" following a state of "forgetting". It is hard to explain. I was born remembering and I have never forgotten. My preincarnate (and prenatal) memories of acting awareness prior to physical incarnation are not ones I have recalled following some trauma or in consequence to hypnosis or some other psychological technique to induce memory. I have never been hypnotized. I don't use drugs. I don't have any psychotic syndrome, although kabbalistically understood, the primary difference between a psychotic experience and a mystical experience is one of integration and synthesis, where the mind of the mystic has acquired the tools and ability to process and learn from altered states of awareness. I do have autistic features (asperger syndrome) to my personality. And I just remember and have guarded the memory throughout my life (shamor vezachor, relating to the concept of guarding the memory of one's bashert, where achieving unity with one's bashert is a secret of shabbat observance), having never forgotten the experience of seeing before being born. In kabbalah, there is a story (Niddah 30b) that every human being is shown his or her destiny and taught the whole of Torah while in the womb. At birth an angel allegedly flicks the babe on the mouth and extinguishes the "candle in the womb", making the babe forget all it was taught and all it saw. Ashkenazi communities ritually mourn this loss the shabbat night prior to the ritual of brit milah. This story speaks to my experience of remembering before I was born physically and before I was born "into" physicality. There are no angels in my memories. Only you and I. And then others we knew / know / will know. It is all whole within me. Still. Waiting for words to describe it to be unlocked. This page is dedicated to collecting ideas, stories, myths, essays and scientific research regarding human consciousness - to help me find the words and to help others who may also have remembering memories like me who may not know how to say it either. May HaShem bless our sayings of our stories and make them an increasingly fruitful endeavor to do. |
| My remembering is eternal (a function of the partzuf Imma Ila'ah of the Chayah soul level of Atzilut). My memory (a function of da'at, having the powers of memory, concentration, connection and unification) doesn't "begin" when I was a young child. My memory doesn't "begin" at all. I (ani) have "seen" (ra'oh, an apprehending vision of the future/existence perceived generally due to the interinclusion of free-will into the experience of pre-physical existence) the whole of my existence - from some elemental core level (tzurah) of existence, an existence I will describe as one of simultaneous being and becoming |
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| (C) Liorah Chanah Elishaba Tsabrah |
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