time: 10:10pm
listening to: "there is no if" the cure
holy shite!! so much work.....argh....i was a good girl today....i went to 4 outta 6 classes...thats really good for me....plus i didnt really need to go to my history lecture cuz we were just watching "all quiet on the western front" and ive seen that b4....today has been totally scholastic....ive been to the library twice which is a big deal cuz i never go there...ive taken out like 10 books and there r 4 more that i wanted but couldnt find...all fer my history essay on propaganda....now i just have to read them....the essay is due on march 30th....i hope i do well i really like that class and i want to get like an 80% that would kick ass...im actually trying fer once!
speaking of essays....i got that essay i handed in the other day for english back....the one that was total shite....i got a freakin 71%....im amazed....i thought fer sure i was gonna get a low 60....our final essay fer that class is due on the april 12th...i have no idea what im going to do....bah....oh well i have a seminar to do next week and that takes first priority.....ahhh
in viennese history i still have to pick an essay topic and i havent even started to work on my seminar which is in like 2 weeks.....sheesh...and then theres the final....oh man...
jeremy got his greek midterm back today......he got like 16 outta 39......thats like 39% er something....oh man i am soooo freaking toast in that class.....i really really have to start going to that class....oh man.....
and finally theres greek history....i dont even know when the final essay is due and i have no idea what my topic will be...and since the prof was sick on my day to do my seminar i dont even know how im going to get my seminar marx.....ahhh....i just want to cry....
but now im done bitching so i am going to go and translate a paragraph and then im going to look thru some of the books i picked up today...hopefully i dont have a freakin aneurysm er anything....god i bitch a lot....so ya...im done and i dont know if ill rite more cuz i am going to go to greek tomorrow morning....so i should go to bed early....wooo...im gonna be a good girl for this last month...i can do it....ya.....ttfn
time: 4:38am
listening to: "more than this" the cure
argh....i really wanted to go to bed early tonite....but i couldnt fall asleep....so ive been sitting on the net for the last little bit trying to find something to keep me occupied...but its not working....i just keep thinking.....i sent kirk and email yesterday...and i resent it from my other address today cuz he prolly blocked my other email address...nice i know....he still owes me $400....and that fine and dandy with me if he just wants to cut me out of his life and never talk to me again....but hed better fucking pay me back first....fuck...i really do wish he would just grow up....and i dont mean to rag on him but really he owes me a lot of money....and i never made him sign anything cuz i never planned on him breaking up with me....and i sure as hell wasnt going to end it with him.....so now im out $400....and i dont want this to get nasty....my parents dont know that i leant him the money....and i know that since it was inheritence money that im sposed to put toward school that if my dad finds out he will make a big deal....and i mean like legal going to court type deal outta it....and i guess that would make the situation between me and kirk even worse...i never really thought about that til tonite....and god i dont want that to happen cuz my dad can be a real asshole and i can just think of what mite happen....*shudder*....not good thoughts....
im also kinda depressed about that whole niles guy thing....i mean he seemed nice enuff...and he really seemed to like me at the time...but ya...nothing ever came of that....i want to find a guy that i can just hangout with and talk to and cuddle with and have a fully functional relationship with...is that really too much to ask?? hell it would be nice to have a guy that im interested in interested in me....
but at least a good thing has come out of all of this shite...i am totally over kirk.....he treated me like such shit....lied to my face used me played mind games with me.....hes a total hypocrite and i dont trust him.....but i still care about him...want his life to be good.....but hell prolly just waste it away....and its really sad to see so much potential go to waste but he doesnt care....hes not happy but he wont do anything to remedy it....he just complains....he sez that this life isnt for him....well he wont make anything for himself so maybe hes rite...fate only goes so far...u have to take initiative....make something of yerself....cuz there rnt many ppl in this world who will stick by u thru all the shit that comes yer way....and if u think yer life is hopeless well it is...i spent too long trying to give him something live for.....it took so much from me that i started to think like him....but i refuse to let life pass me by....i refuse not contribute what i know i can....i know im a good person and i owe it to myself to achieve all that i can im my life time.....only then will i really have lived.....
i dont want ppl to pity me cuz i could have been something but never had the gutz to put myself out there....and i know ill get hurt again....but i will find my happiness eventually....and without the pain the pleasure is meaningless...i love my life even if it isnt as peachy as id like it to be....i may not be xhuberent all the time and i dont wake up everyday thinking "this is the best day of my entire life" but my life is good and i am thankful to some xtent or another for everything (even all the shite) thats happened....
and now.....finally im dead ass tired....wooo ill get a 2hr nap...oh well...maybe tomorrow nite ill actually get to bed at a descent time.....but until then ado