time: 3:50am
listening to: "sexy boy" air

blah....i find myself increasingly bored...i hate it...i want a damn job...but something i like goddammit...the last couple days have been strange....ive been going on yahoo chat...cuz im bored....and talking to ppl just pretty much randomly....i met some cool ppl...i met some asshole too....but meh whatever i spose....anyway fer the past 2 days ive been up past 6 in the am....and fer no particular reason....im just not overly tired....stupid body...tonite i went out fer "wings" with juliann jay josh sleep herm and some other guy....wings fer me consisted of 2 beers....not enuff if u ask me...anyway then i came home watched "queer as folk" (god i love that show) and then went on the computer around 1 when jay finished playing his computer game....i went on icq and kirk msged me....which was strange fer 2 reasons 1) he hardly ever talx to me 2) he talked to me the nite b4....2 days in a row...its weird....my friends r all convinced that he wants something...and they tell me i shouldnt even talk to him @ all...theyre just looking out fer me tho....dont want me to get hurt again....and i dont blame them....its kinda been a pattern....but i cant just ignore him...and its not just cuz he owes me money....it has nothing to do with that...i cant just say fuck u u bloody bastard u ripped out my heart and proceed to make my life hell fer 3 months after that....i mean he did....but really im over it....i dunno....i guess its prolly cuz deep down somewhere inside i still love the guy...and i prolly always will....but man its so fuct....today wasnt so bad but b4 that everytime ive had to email him er he msgd me on icq er whatever ive felt like i was gonna puke....id literally feel sick to my stomach...i dont get it....im pretty fuct i guess...but anyway its weird....cuz i dont know what he wants....and i dont know what to xpect....besides pain....but i dont want to xpect that...i dont want that to happen....bullox to it all i still just want to be his friend....hes an alrite guy when it comes down to it....fuck but bullox to all this....i think im gonna go out side lie on the trampoline have a smoke and then go to bed....fuck maybe today ill be asleep b4 the bloody sunrises....anyway ciao bella guys and dolls...im audi 5000

time: 5:39am
listening to: "come to daddy" aphex twin

so ya....i didnt get to bed b4 the sun came up....and i didnt get to relax and lie on the trampoline either cuz the ppl next door were having a party and there were ppl in the backyard....bullox....so anyway i came back in and organized my email shit cuz im waiting on some downloads....anyway i went thru and deleted a bunch of old emails...most of them from kirk....but i must say that i am proud of myself cuz they didnt piss me off and they didnt make me sad which they did b4....i read thru them all (cuz i still have all the lovey dovey ones he sent me back when we were "in love") and it was just nice to reflect back on the happy time...but i didnt delete them all....i really dont know why....maybe just cuz we were happy then...er whatever and now it just brings back good memories....hmmm good memories of me and kirk....when i started this journal i never thought thatd be in here....but ya...we had good times...i hope i can find a guy i can have the whole happy thing going on with again....and soon....and im kinda hoping that me and kirk can be friends....*shakes head*....ya i know....im an idiot...but hopefully all that past shit will just stay there and well be able to have some kind of relationship that resembles normal....anyway i hear someone walking around upstairs and i should really be asleep....but i really dont feel that tired....gawd my bodys stupid but hey @ least im in a better mood...im feeling very relaxed and peaceful...i wonder how long itll last this time.....anyway im off like a prom dress...nite

whos nocturnal?
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