time: 3:11
listening to: "baby bitch" ween
so.......ya.......kirk i think has a death wish.....or hes trying to make me hate him......in either case hes almost there man.....im just about ready to kill him.....(not really violence=the devil) but ive almost had enuff of his bullshit.....i swear.....so i call him last nite......get a hold of him and hes all "can i call u back?" so i say sure and everythings fine and dandy until like 1am when im wanting to go to bed cuz i have class at 8:30 rite......well i call and no answer.....so i ask claire on icq if hes around and she sez she dont know where he his.......so 3 hours later hes still not home (or at least not picking up the fone) and i cant get to sleep.....grrrr....needless to say i didnt make it to greek today....and he didnt even bother to email me.....asshole.....i can say that and mean it cuz im like 90% sure hes just fucking with me fer the fun of it....nice guy i know....but cuz im not totally sure i cant just tell him to fuck off!! ahhhhhh!! stupid residual emotions.....so i just want to talk to him and get this staitened out so i dont have to worry about this shit any fucking more!! isnt that what ive been saying fer like the last couple weeks?? why yes it is......oh.......well FUCK ME!!! i hate this bullshit.......AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
pop quiz hot shot......why is everyone i know here at school afraid of making me angry (this is phil's away msg on icq "Personal Message: The scariness of Linzed is only eclipsed by the scainess of what would happen if Linzed was to be mad at me...") and why does kirk have no problem with making me wanting to kill him (metaphorically speaking of course)? huh??
thats what i thought
time: 4:08
listening to: "weirdoz" oxymoron
so ya......i talked to kirk tonite.......and ya......were just friends........he now has another "friend" named marta.....he didnt call me last nite cuz he was at her house.......he slept there......didnt get home till today......ya......he was sposed to tell me about someone else if there was someone else b4 whatever.....er at least that was the impression i was under....and well he really didnt even tell me about her......i had to ask......cuz i knew.......he was all like "i cant have sex with u cuz u want more" and well i knew there was more to it than that......there alwayz is......and i could just tell that he wasnt telling me everything.....so i think im just pretty much his fall back girl.....whenever he doesnt have anyone else hes interested in hell come back to me......im comfortable......and grrrr.....he keeps telling me that im a cool person but that were just not compatible.....which makes no sense to me.......plus im attractive er beautiful er whatever.....i mean......i can understand how u can find someone attractive that yur not compatible with i mean its just superficial rite.......but i dont get how im such a cool person.....if yur not compatible with someone dont u generally think theyre an idiot?? i do.......so i dont get it......so heres where i do the break down and analyze everything that happened.....
so he gets involved with me......fine great.....he wasnt xpecting any real thing.....i mean every other girlfriend hes had has cheated on him and blah.......so he wasnt xpecting much....and i was xpecting him to break my heart.....which he did.....but i was xpecting it much sooner......anyway.....eventually his emotions got involved.....and thats where the trouble began.....cuz hes always kept his emotions all bottled up inside.....didnt xpress them kinda thing....so he didnt get hurt.......well they came out and he kinda "lost himself" as he put it......he wasnt used to feeling fer other ppl....and it fuct him up....so then he started projecting things onto me......he couldnt deal with what was going on him.....his head and his heart were warring kinda thing.....both trying to get control and he got lost in the middle....and he was miserable.......and he blamed me......but i figure its not my fault......cuz he had a problem b4.....heres my analogy.....he thought he was fine b4 cuz he locked away his emotions instead of dealing with them......but if in a family u lock someone away in a room ferever just cuz u cant deal with them well then yur dysfunctional rite.....so therefore b4 he started going out with me he wasnt really "ok" he was already fuct but thought that was normal and healthy....and well when the emotions got out all hell broke loose......so ya......and now hes managed to stifle, kill, maime, destroy or lock his feelings back up so he "feels like himself again".....but hes not fine......thats how i see......but if i told him that hed just say i was a sycho (which i prolly am) and we wouldnt be friends and well i want to be his friend b/c i put so much into our relationship and i still think were compatible (but that doesnt matter) and well.....i still love him to death.....and well if i can only be his friend then thats all i can do.....i mean im alwayz gonna hope fer more.....cuz like maybe someday hell realize just how amazing i am and how his life is so empty with out me (er something stupid like that) and hell want me back and well be in love and it will be amazing and ya rite i know im a sycho.......i dont actually think thats gonna happen but a girl can dream cant she??
oh well.....im crazy.........i can deal with that......but whos not a little bit crazy man?? specially when deep emotions r involved......on my part at least......ive come to the conclusion that love makes u crazy........and in my case crazier.....ya......im fuct.......but isnt everybody??