26/02/01
time: 4:48pm
sooo....today sux....i didnt go to greek this morning cuz i woke up b4 my alarm and my back stomach and kidneys (yes i realize theyre in my back) hurt and i felt like i was gonna puke.....so i writhed around in pain in my bed for like 45 mins and then i finally fell asleep again....i was awakened by the fone at like 2 so i got up and felt bad cuz i had missed 4 classes already....so i went on the net....and then i talked to geoff.....geoff knows marta the girl at whos house kirk spent the nite a while ago....so anyway geoff was telling me how he saw kirk at call the office last nite....blah blah....and then he told me that kirk asked marta if he could go home with her...whoa....thats not cool as i was under the impression that since me and him were doing whatever he wouldnt be going out and looking for it....and he told me that other girls dont turn him on....and then geoff told me that marta told him that she and kirk had had sex!! now what the fuck?? kirk has said several times that he hasnt had sex since we were together....i even asked him on monday b4 we had sex when the last times he had sex and fooled around were....he told me that he couldnt remember the last time he had sex (which i thought meant it was with me cuz its been like 2 months since we have) and he told me that he left some girls house one nite cuz they were fooling around but it just didnt feel rite.....so this whole marta sex thing is a big shocker.....and now i just wanna find out what happened and figure out what is going on....if he lied to me just so i would sleep with him i dont know what im going to do....i sent this marta a big email xplaining stuff and asking her if they had sex cuz i dont know what kirks gonna say and i dont even know when im gonna talk to him again...i hope i get a hold of him tonite i want to know what the hell is going on.....fuck fuck fuck...why does this shit keep fucking happening?? argh!!! well thats enuff bitching fer now and hopefully next time i rite ill have the skinny on what went down.....argh!
time: 11:56pm
well i talked to kirk....he said that they didnt have sex....hes sposed to come back on icq later and talk to me.....but he told me that at 10 so i dont know whats going on......i talked to diana a lot tonite....its weird....were really similar...i never really talked to her much b4 xmas.....i mean she was at chantelles a couple times when i was there cuz her and chantelle r friends from public school.....but we never really said anything to each other really....and now shes turned out to be such a good friend.....she rote her entire diary about me tonite....i feel bad cuz i know that im hurting ppl that care about my by allowing myself to be hurt....but i dont know......i need closure b4 i can stop this kirk thing.....oh boy
and poor renee....shes in the same boat with ritchie as im in with kirk.....but at least shes not as far out to sea as i am.....wow....that was really retarded......but oh well....so anyway shes having a really hard time.....i dont want her to be feeling how she is....it sux...i want her to be happy....i dont want her to be going thru this shite.....it fucking sux...it sounds like ritchie and kirk r doing the same thing.....they just wanna be young.....they dont want a relationship....i wonder if they xpect us to wait until theyre ready....i dont recommend it to renee.....ive waited this long fer kirk and my life has just gotten more and more fuct...so renee baby if u read this just know that i love u...and im sure that alicia does too...its tuff rite now but ull get used to it eventually....and then itll slowly start to disappear....and ill be here any time u need me ok??
and i havent received a response from marta......so i only have what kirk told me to go on.....and i dont even know if i care....im so tired of all this.......i just want everything to be settled....i want to move on cuz i know im just wasting my time but im not totally 100% positive so i cant...fuck...and it fux with every single thing that i do......but ill stop bitching now.....im sure ill rite more later....ttfn
time: 1:23am
so i talked to kirk.....we r friends.....no more sex.....no more obsessing.....he doesnt have romantic feelings for me.....so its time to move on....but no one likes me dammit....god im such a retard....but no i dont feel guilty for liking clayton....maybe well meet and hit it off.....god we havent even met yet....im a geek....im laffing at myself rite now....i do realize how ridiculous i am.....oh well....so its a brand new me.....i feel really relieved...i just hope that i find someone who is rite for me cuz well kirk obviously isnt even tho i thought he was.....i think thats the hardest part.....i was so sure that it was him....but i was wrong....i hate being wrong but i was...see know i gotta get into single mode.....im not good at being single....i need to feel like someone loves me......thats my problem but like they say the first step is admitting u have a problem rite.....im gonna take his pictures down now....its time to move on.....no more sycho linz....im glad.....i dont feel like that...time to find myself again....wooo.....now my entries will be about my adventures in self discovery....i hope theyre not going to be as boring as i think they r....oh well....i guess ill get off the computer now....and let mir use it....im such a computer hog....poor mir.....sorry....
well i guess im done this chapter of my life....its weird...i dont know what im going to do know.....i feel kinda lost..kinda scared...but kinda xcited.....who knows whats gonna happen...i sure as hell dont.....i hope its something good tho.....
listening to: "symbolistic white walls" matthew good band
listening to: "one" u2
listening to: "heard it on the radio" the weekend