time: 4:19am
listening to: "go to hell" kmfdm
well i didnt go hand out resumes today....i stayed up til like 7am er so sewing the pants i was gonna wear when i went....and then my brother corys alarm started going off like rite when i was finally trying to get up cuz he had to go to school.....so i slept all day....til like 4:30.....i called rachel to see what she was doing tonite....cuz we had said the other day that we were gonna get drunk and hang out..but she has to get up xtremely early tomorrow so no drinking fer her....then i called kirk......cuz he said he mite stop by tonite.....well he was going to london but he said he would stop in on his way back thru town....he said it would be late.....but its now almost 4:30 and i dont think hes gonna show....nice.....he coulda called...at least then i could be riting this on the internet instead of on my laptop cuz im hoping against all hope that hes still gonna call and stop in like he said...ya rite.....
so anyway then i called renee to see what she was upto....but the poor girl....ritchie (her boyfriend fer like 2 yrs) broke up with her last nite so shes really having a tuff time with that and didnt really feel like doing anything.....poor girl...i dont blame her.....she said she mite call me later but she didnt....its ok tho....i know what shes going thru....and it sux.....i mean look at me its been like 2 months and im still sitting by the fone waiting fer him to call me rite...boys fucking suck...
so anyway me and mir rented movies and hung out here tonite...we got "bless the child" and "scary movie" which we havent watched yet...."bless the child" was pretty good...i liked it anyway....and we were gonna watch "scary movie" but as i was flipping the channels i saw "tank girl"...so we had to watch that!! but we didnt end up watching it all the way thru cuz on one of the commercials i was flipping the channels (i have a short attention span yes i know) we saw some movie with gay guys in it and mir loves gay movies so we watched that instead cuz wed both already seen "tank girl" and phil has it at school anyway so we can watch it whenever we want (if he lets us of course).....
and now its after 4 in the morning and im sitting here waiting fer a fone call thats never gonna come and im getting more over him...i mean hes constantly doing this to me rite? leaving me hanging er bailing on me er just plain fergetting i xist.....whatever...he obviously really doesnt consider me a friend....at least not one that he really wants....and i realize that im an idiot fer thinking that if we had sex it would be different....but hey im a hopeful mother fucker....but now i realize (unless he actually shows up tonite er gives me some really good xcuse) that i really have to just move on.....i have to get my $400 first...but then i have to move on and thats the longs and the short of it...i mean if he wants to be my friend he can call me and make plans with me....oh god ive said this so many times b4 i know...but i really really mean it this time....take back my money and run....and he cant say i didnt give him a chance....hes had plenty....and he cant say i didnt love him cuz i did....but i can only take so much shit....and all he has given me in the last few months is shit...so fuck it...i dont want to do this but hes really left me no choice....he can come talk to me again when hell treat me like a real friend...cuz if anyone else i know treated me like he does they woulda been gone a long long time ago...i gotta sweet spot for him ill admit...but its rotting me to the core...
so kirk if u read this and even if u dont...u fuct up...big...u had something special in me....and u dont seem to give a damn....uve made my life a living hell fer the last 2 months and ive let u....but not anymore...im not abandoning u....i will always be here for u...even tho yur not "there" fer me....but u have to come to me cuz i keep putting myself out fer u and u dont want me there....and i just get hurt...and bitchy....so my once belloved i bid u goodbye and hope that someday (soon) u come to yur senses but i dont xpect u to....we had good times..dont forget me...and ill try to ferget u....nite