20/02/01

time: 5:37am
listening to: "gracie" scratching post

today i went and saw my therapist....i havent seen him since b4 i started school....needless to say i had some xplaining to do and i cried....a lot....these last few months have been pretty painful....i had a really hard time xplaining everything thats happened.....thats why im glad that i have this....then i dont have to tell it to ppl over and over again.....i can start to ferget the pain.....even tho i know im in fer more.....and its gonna be my fault......but....its kirk....and i want him.....on so many levels....even if he only wants me fer sex.....at least i can have that from him.....he marked me the meanie....i have a big hickey on the rite side of my neck....and he did it just to piss me off.....the scratch marx i dont mind......i dont walk around anywhere with no shirt on....but a big purple hickey on my neck is kinda noticable....renee saw it tonite.....she was not impressed.....she like most my friends is not a big kirk fan just cuz of all the shit.....she just doesnt like to see me hurting.....which i understand.....but i do want this and i know im gonna get hurt....so maybe it wont hurt so much...and hell maybe hell will freeze over and things will work out.....ill alwayz hope fer that.....i dont xpect it to happen tho...i rote a poem tonite.....bout last nite......

he runs his hands all over my body, digs his nails into my skin
he brings his mouth down to my neck and i feel his teeth bite in
and then we turn the other way and i cant see his face
i wonder what hes thinking of im in another place
he thrusts harder and harder all the time picking up speed
but my mind is wondering if i can even satistfy just his carnal need
how long will this last and will this ever lead to more?
thats all i can think about as he dresses and heads for the door
is there love inside that he is just to afraid to express?
is this just another futile effort that will add to my growing distress
he drives away fast and i wonder when i'll hear from him again
and know when i think about all this shit hell never be just friend

i dont know what im going to do...i know we shouldnt be having sex but....sex.....with him......it makes me feel wanted....it gives me stupid hope kinda....and hell as long as were doing it he wont be doing it with anyone else.....but like i said in that poem i dont think well ever be just friends....at least not until he tells me that he has no feelings for me at all but sadly rite now i think im confusing his sexual desire fer me with romantic feelings......maybe we should talk about that...maybe ill talk to him bout it tomorrow.....if i can get a hold of him....cuz hes said it a couple times but hes also said the opposite....and i of course want to believe that he has romantic feelings fer me....im addicted to him.....oh well.....thats the first step i guess....admitting it....but shit its nearly 6am.....again.....and since mirs here i should start getting up b4 4pm.....so its good nite fer me...ta ta

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