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Say Cheese!
THERE WAS SEIJUUROU HIKO THE FIRST . . .
AND SEIJUUROU HIKO THE SECOND . . .
AND, MY, MY, THERE WAS EVEN SEIJUUROU HIKO THE THIRD . . .
BUT THEY ALL DIED . . .
UNTIL THERE WAS FINALLY A SEIJUUROU HIKO THE THIRTEENTH . . .
AND IT WAS GOOD . . .
BUT THIS AFOREMENTIONED HIKO WAS A DRUNK . . .
AND IT WAS NOT SO GOOD . . .
AND KENSHIN WAS SCARED . . .
AND SAITOU SMIRKED . . .
:) ~ :) ~ :)
Chapter 3: On Late-Night Inspirational Speeches and the Pros and Cons of
Sheer Insanity
Saitou frowned.
He was . . . How can we put it? He was . . . was . . . nervous.
He was nervous about being around this madman who, according to
Kenshin, had once been one of the world's greatest swordsmen.
For one, the man had just fallen on his face. Not very swordsman-like.
For two, he had gotten up and torn across the yard with what Saitou could
infer was not-quite-God-like speed. While yelling. And while swinging his katana
around in a rather dangerous way.
He had definitely lost it.
And Kenshin stared at him in a rather befuddled way, looking altogether
like he was completely lost.
For Heaven's Sakes, the man had just "oro"-ed at him!
Oro. Now that was a word that had caused his Shishou some grief. It was
a habit he had tried to break but, a lot like what smoking could do to a person, it
seemed to come back and haunt him like some restless child spirit urging him to
go out and play.
It was scary.
And Kenshin looked at his Shishou, the Ultimate Fatherly Figure, the
Ultimate One Standing Atop the Golden Pedestal, the Ultimate Master of Hiten
Mitsurugi Ryu! (And, ah yes, the Ultimate Sake Champiiiioooonnnnnnn!!!)
Or, at least, those were the thoughts that had somehow wound up in
Hiko's inflated-ego mind.
Hiko.
Kenshin wasn't sure he liked that name. It was too sharp.
But on second though, he supposed it suited a swordsman to have a
sharp name A sharp name to go with a sharp sword.
He pondered that thought a minute, but was suddenly interrupted by his
just-too-cool-archenemy-rival-associate-Saitou-sama.
Saitou said, "Hnnnn . . ."
And that was it.
And Kenshin looked at *him* in a perplexed sort of way and wondered if
perhaps both Saitou and his Shishou were losing their ability to speak Japanese.
And he was almost scared at the thought.
Almost.
But, alas, he looked back towards his Shishou and made a vague attempt
at conversation. "Anou . . . Shishou-sama? "
But Hiko didn't respond to that.
"Shishou?"
Nope.
"Hiko-san?"
And at the sound of this Hiko blinked and skulked over, meandering in a
drunken sort of way.
Which, of course, gave Kenshin some insight on the state of mind that the
man might be in at the instant.
Which, of course, was the fact that the man must be drunk!
And he looked over at Saitou, who was simply standing and smirking at
his misfortune.
And Kenshin got slightly irked.
And he *glared* at him with that Battousai *glare* that made him melt into
a puddle of goo.
And that was just punishment.
And he continued to *glare* until he was suddenly interrupted. (For it was
quite Hiko-sama's nature to interrupt people when they were in the middle of
something important.)
Hiko cleared his throat as if about to reveal the meaning of life or burst into
wild sonnet or ballad.
"I am a free sword!" he exclaimed to all present. "Free! Free! I am bound
only to the rules and regulations that apply to a sword! I . . . am . . . FREEEEEEE!!!"
And he tilted his head back with such vigor that he toppled over onto the ground,
laughing hysterically.
"Oro?"
"Hnnnn . . ."
And Hiko droned on for quite a few more hours, occasionally swaggering
in a drunken sort of way as he paced about the yard. His comments seemed to
mostly center on the fact that he was 'FREEEEEEE!!', but I guess you may have
already figured that one out.
But suddenly he was finished.
And he looked on expectantly as if waiting for a round of applause or a
standing ovation.
Crickets chirruped in their typical cricket way.
Fffffffghffffffffffffffff vncnddddddddddddddddds. (Actually, my cat just wrote
that and I think it gives immeasurable depth to my story. Please review her work!)
Anyways . . .
Crickets chirped. But you already knew that . . .
And Hiko frowned in discontent and mumbled out a few incoherent things.
And Saitou frowned along with him in discontent as was so typical of him.
And they both frowned in discontent together.
And Kenshin looked on . . .
But suddenly, Hiko exploded into fits of complete hysteria, which was not-
quite-so-typical of him.
But being as this story is quite atypical, it can be inferred that this was
quite not so bizarre as it sounded.
And so Hiko continued on in a rather-typical-for-this-story sort of way, and
not a soul found it bizarre.
Except Kenshin, of course, who, at this point, was positive *everything*
was bizarre. There was completely, obviously, absolutely *nothing* sane about
*anything* at the moment.
And so he simply sat back and watched the show with mild curiosity.
But . . . *sigh* . . . Sooner or later, all good things must come to an end.
*sob* Hiko's insane antics were starting to fade, giving way to things like
sarcasm, bitterness and MORE SAKEEEEEEE!! WHEE!
And Saitou thought this was rather amusing to watch.
"Freeee . . . freee " Hiko mumbled, as he was typically inclined to at this
point.
But suddenly, he seemed to "pop" (or something) and started yelling out
more relevant things. He looked at Kenshin in wonderment and muttered, "Baka
deshi?" as if seeing him for the first time.
"Oro?"
"What the- "
*Pop*
"Yup " he slurred. "I really . . . must be drunk . . . yup . . . awful drunk . . . but
freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee- "
*Pop*
"-heck are you doing here?"
*Pop*
"-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee . . . "
And this continued on in much the same fashion for quite a few minutes,
with Kenshin looking confused and Saitou frowning as usual.
But after a time the "pop"s became less frequent, and Hiko seemed to
turn back towards the side of him that was sanity.
And *finally*, after an eternity, Hiko was good.
For lack of a better word, yes, he was GOOD!
And he stood in his usual cool manner and began speaking in his usual
rude and sarcastic way. He cleared his throat and began his previous question
that had been interrupted by his "pop"ping. "Baka deshi?"
Kenshin responded in his usual rurouni way. (Must I explain that to you
all?)
"What, pray tell, are you doing here?"
"Anou . . . I need to learn my ougi, de gozaru . . ."
"Hnnn . . ." Saitou mumbled in boredom. (But the only reason he said
anything at all is because I thought he hadn't had much action for the past few
paragraphs. Here he is again for all you Saitou-lovers!)
"Why?" Hiko demanded in his demanding way.
"Because I'm booooooored!" Saitou exclaimed with added enthusiasm.
Now Hiko and Kenshin both stared at him blankly, and Hiko said, "Not
*you*, baka!"
And Kenshin took this moment to answer. "So I can defeat Shishio, de
gozaru!"
"Why?"
"Ahh . . . So we can have peace, de gozaru "
"Why?"
" . . . Because peace is good, de gozaru ka?" (AN: Too many "de gozaru"s!
AAAGH!)
"Harrumph," Hiko harrumphed. "Fine, then."
And he grabbed Kenshin by the ear and yanked him back into the dark,
dank forest, leaving poor Saitou in the dust.
And Saitou said, "Hnnn . . ." and lumbered off after them.
Now, at this point in our little Kenshin series, there is a fight involving
concussions, the fetching of water, and the commenting on the youthful glow of
Hiko as announced by Misao. My story refuses to follow this path, because a)
Misao is not present, b) Concussions hurt (!), and c) It would take a long time and
much paper to drag Kaoru and Co. all the way here, as *well* as force Kenshin to
walk *all* the way to the stream and fetch water . . . OK? So forget any of that
really ever happened. :)
So . . .
Hiko had quite a strange way of teaching. In fact, one could not really call
it teaching. Perhaps "attacking" would be a better way to put it.
Yes, that worked.
Hiko launched himself at Kenshin at a pace that shocked even Saitou,
who was looming away in the trees. But instead of mauling him into a million
gazillion pieces, as he was quite capable of doing, he simply made little sword
"pricks" in those 9 deadly places.
Yup, that's right. 9 places, one nanosecond. *SPEED*
(Caution: Minor Spoilers! Again )
And Kenshin felt but a brush of energy fly past him. In some way that I
cannot possibly fathom, he was able to see exactly what it was Hiko had done.
He stood there in shock a moment, and made an attempt to do the same thing.
But, in some bizarre way, Hiko was able to block the un-block-able attack.
And Kenshin gaped, and Saitou smirked at Hiko's sneaky little trick.
And Hiko explained that the *real* ougi was simply a withdrawal of the
sword at a God-like - or faster - speed. But, of course, Kenshin had proven in
the last chapter that he was capable of God-like plus speed, and so he wondered
why it was such an important technique.
And Hiko answered that "Battoujutsu" is a rather boring name for a
technique that promises doom. Instead, the name "Ama Kakeru Ryu no
Hirameki" is given to it.
Yes, you're right again. A cooler name for the exact same technique.
And Kenshin nodded in understanding.
And Saitou said, "Hnnn . . ." for the last time, I swear!
Hiko sighed and said that now Kenshin had so-called mastered the ougi,
Kenshin had to kill him. (There's a reason why they call it the succession
technique ^^*)
Kenshin was shocked at this and, of course, he refused. He hadn't killed
for 10 years and he wasn't about to now, even if it meant he was to become the
true master of his style. Instead, he simply bowed and apologized in his typical
way, and walked out of there.
And Hiko thanked Kami-sama he was alive!
And Saitou said, "Hmmm . . ." and followed his archenemy.
And that was it. For now.
~ Owari, Chapter 3 ~
Chapter Two ::: Chapter Four