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Say Cheese!
THERE WAS THIS THING…
AND IT WAS GOOD…
AND ALL WERE HAPPY UPON THE ARRIVAL OF THIS THING…
AND IT WAS GOOD…
AND THIS THING…
THEY CALLED IT A GRAND FINALE…
AND IT WAS VERY GOOD…
INDEED.
AND SAITOU WAS FINALLY HAPPY… MAYBE…
AND KENSHIN HAD ONLY TO FACE MORE EXTREME TORTURE…
BUT SOMEHOW WAS HAPPY AS WELL…
AND KAMI-SAMA SMILED UPON THEM BOTH IN HIS SMILING WAY…
AND SAITOU WAS GLAD… MAYBE…
AND KENSHIN WAS GLAD…
AND SOUJIRO WAS GLAD…
AND YUMI WAS GLAD…
AND SO, ALL WERE GLAD…
AND IT WAS GOOD…
AND… THAT WAS IT… -.-;;
:) - :) - :)
Chapter 11 (I think…): -deep breath- On the Sort of Kind of End of the Story and On Saitou's Impertinence and On Kenshin's Rather Dogged Determination and On How Long Chapter Names Have a Tendency to Degrade the Initial Appeal of the Story in General -chokes- -dies… again-
Saitou frowned.
Yes, the tenacious, the petulant, the irksome Saitou frowned. This, of course, eluded to the fact that he might someday smile, but… DEAL WITH IT!
Saitou frowned.
This was just peachy.
In fact, it was VERY peachy.
And Saitou frowned about it.
And then he frowned about it some more.
It was peachy.
… And Saitou HATED peaches. He loathed them. In fact, he detested them so much that he thought he'd die if he heard the word "peachy" again.
Saitou died. For the second chapter in a row, actually, he died.
But then he was reincarnated in the form of a tree.
And Saitou the Tree frowned impeccably, in his frowning way, but then… SUDDENLY…
Saitou the Tree spontaneously combusted, died, and was reincarnated as Saitou. The Real Saitou; in a way, he was reincarnated as the Real McCoy.
If this was at all relevant, Saitou was under the impression that McCoy Hajime didn't have quite that ring to it that was necessary for his intimidation factor.
And so he let it slide.
But then he frowned again, in a very, very frowning way. And his face was twisted into a frown, a very, very ugly frown.
And his frown was STRONG… It BUUUUUURNED… It KILLEDEDED…
But then, when his frown killed, he didn't even apologize for it!
Yes…
Saitou was in a bad mood, indeed.
He frowned.
Perhaps it was just peachy, after all.
Peachy in a bad way.
Peachy in a peachy way.
Or, perhaps, simply peachy.
Peachy.
Very, very peachy.
- :) - :) -
Yumi was in a bored, bored way.
She sighed.
She sighed and she sighed.
She sighed and she sighed and she sighed.
But then, she made a resolve. A RESOLUTION!
SHE MADE A REVELATION! Well… no. But that was beyond the point.
And Yumi LEAPT UP in glee and excitement and adrenaline and RAN OFF to seek… Well… She ran off to seek whomever it was she was seeking.
And, well, seeing as it would be quite boring to follow Yumi around ceaselessly while she searched, WE THE HUMBLE would like to take this time to maintain this so-called adequately placed plot twist.
- :) - :) -
Soujiro tripped over a rock – a very large rock; a very BAD rock.
"Itai!" he called out into the vastness of the open… prairie… mountain range… (Well, wherever the heck he was.)
Instantly, Some Doctor (not Megumi; not Gensai-sensei; someone else. I don't know who else, but someone else. Can't you just accept this?) was on the scene.
"Oh, my God!" Some Doctor cried out. "It looks like he's got a Disproportionately Discombobulated Parasitical Noncomformulated Satirically Disinclined Disconjecting Parallel Phyxiated Qetiampulated Seplantriam Disorder, otherwise known as a DDPNSDDPPQSD! Or commonly known as… AN ANKLE SPRAIN!" [1]
Soujiro twitched.
"Are you sure it's not Maldisfunctionated Gelpretsuated Lychtinplester Disease?" Some Doctor 2 asked. [2]
But then Some Doctor 2 died, and the question was resolved.
Soujiro's smile wavered. Slightly. Well… More than slightly. But it remained mostly smile-like, all things considered.
Considering the circumstances, it was not really all that odd that his smile was wavering.
Soujiro got up and walked away.
Yes, he decided.
Yes, this was odd indeed.
And he smiled.
But then he remembered the fateful rock he had tripped over, and ran over to it.
"Deary me!" he cried out. "Gomen nasai yo!"
And he petted and patted and comforted and soothed the rock.
And then all was good once again.
And… Yep.
But then SUDDENLY, an incredible lapse in time occurred. Why? We don't know. It just did.
And… Yes, this was a good time to switch back to our formerly lost and uncontrollable character.
- :) - :) -
[1] and [2] are a copyright of my brother. He thought them up, not me… However, I just found them to be incredibly funny, so bear with my lack of creativity for a moment. Yep. The End.
- :) - :) -
Yumi was smiling in a smiling, smiling, smiling sort of way.
It was burning.
Well, actually, that wasn't entirely correct, being as IT could have meant HER, could have meant THE FIRE, could have meant THE CHAIR IN FRONT OF THE FIRE, could have meant THE LEAF SITTING ON THE GROUND NEAR THE FIRE.
The fire was burning, and around it sat Yumi and the leaf. The chair was irrelevant, really.
"Now, Kaa-san, I want you to listen to this story very, very closely," Yumi said.
And then she began to tell this story…
Yumi was running. She was running and running and running and running. She was running very fast. (She could run very fast.)
Yumi was running from someone. She hated them.
And so she ran. She ran and ran and ran and ran.
But then she stopped.
And she GLARED.
For there, in front of her, stood (GASP!) A MOUNTAIN!
And Yumi SCALED the mountain with ALL HER MIGHT, but fell.
And then she scaled it more and more and MORE AND FASTER AND MORE!
But then she fell.
And by then she was exasperated.
But the Bad Men were behind her!
They wanted to take her to JAIL!
They wanted to make her TESTIFY! And she didn't even know what that meant!
But… Worst of all… They WANTED TO STEAL HER WATERMELON HEDGEHOG FACTORY! THE HORROR!
And so she ran.
But the Bad Men were catching up! They were catching up FASTER AND FASTER AND FASTER AND FASTER!
And there was nothing Yumi could do about it!
And she cried!
And she sobbed!
And she was, indeed, VERY, VERY HORRIBLY SAD!
But the mere thought only made her sadder…
And so really, the scene was depressing, truly.
And the Bad Men stopped and sighed.
And then they ran away forever. Why?
I do not know!
Perhaps you know!
Do you, now?
Oh, geez, you're intelligent!
Yes. They ran away because of their intense fear of crying women. Terrible, this curse is. Sometimes, I've heard, it's even accompanied by a rare disease called Shprinktolopuliosis, in which the bearer develops an intense fear of EVERYTHING and a itch between the first and second toe of the right foot…
Heinous. Heinous, indeed.
And, yes, that was irrelevant. Hopefully by now, you've realized as much and are ready to move on with the plot…
Yes. Plot.
Ara? Plot…
…
Anyways…
And so Yumi was saved from the very, very, very Bad Men.
And so she stopped.
And she sighed.
And she sighed.
After all, what was there for her to do now? She couldn't very well go back to where she'd come from! … Well, she COULD, but that would have just been boring…
Boring, indeed, much like this chapter so far.
And so Yumi walked.
And walked.
But soon Yumi grew bored-er, much as many characters in this story had done before her.
For example, in one chapter, Kenshin had suffered bored-ness, and had spent a great deal of time popping the heads off dandelions. Yumi spent a moment pondering this, but then decided that, in all respects, dandelion head-popping was a rather sadistic and illogical thing to do.
As another example, Saitou, in the most recent chapter, had suffered boredom, to the point where he had simply up and died of boredom. Only then he had been revived. How he had been revived, Yumi couldn't be sure.
In fact, she wasn't sure how she knew these pieces of information in the first place, being as she hadn't been there.
Strange that.
But, despite this popular protest, Yumi remained bored. And bored she remained.
Erlack! She didn't know what to do. And so… She pondered a great deal on this, and whilst she pondered lit a fire…
A lovely, lovely fire…
And she sat by it and sang songs of times past.
And she was happy.
But… At that very moment, she looked to her side… and GASPED!
"GASP!" she gasped. "KAA-SAN!"
And she rushed up to the leaf and huggled until it nearly exploded. Then, carefully, she placed it at her side in a loving sort of way.
And then she smiled.
Yumi was smiling in a smiling, smiling, smiling sort of way.
It was burning.
Well, actually, that wasn't entirely correct, being as IT could have meant HER, could have meant THE FIRE, could have meant THE CHAIR IN FRONT OF THE FIRE, could have meant THE LEAF SITTING ON THE GROUND NEAR THE FIRE.
The fire was burning, and around it sat Yumi and the leaf. The chair was irrelevant, really.
"Now, Kaa-san, I want you to listen to this story very, very closely," Yumi said.
And then she began to tell this story…
Yumi was running. She was running and running and running and running. She was running very fast. (She could run very fast.)
Yumi was running from someone. She hated them.
And so she ran. She ran and ran and ran and ran.
But then she stopped.
And she GLARED.
For there, in front of her, stood (GASP!) A MOUNTAIN!
And Yumi SCALED the mountain with ALL HER MIGHT, but fell.
And then she scaled it more and more and MORE AND FASTER AND MORE!
But then she fell.
And by then she was exasperated.
But the Bad Men were behind her!
They wanted to take her to JAIL!
They wanted to make her TESTIFY! And she didn't even know what that meant!
But… Worst of all… They WANTED TO STEAL HER WATERMELON HEDGEHOG FACTORY! THE HORROR!
And so she ran.
But the Bad Men were catching up! They were catching up FASTER AND FASTER AND FASTER AND FASTER!
And there was nothing Yumi could do about it!
And she cried!
And she sobbed!
And she was, indeed, VERY, VERY HORRIBLY SAD!
But the mere thought only made her sadder…
And so really, the scene was depressing, truly.
And the Bad Men stopped and sighed.
And then they ran away forever. Why?
I do not know!
Perhaps you know!
Do you, know?
Oh, geez, you're intelligent!
Yes. They ran away because of their intense fear of crying women. Terrible, this curse is. Sometimes, I've heard, it's even accompanied by a rare disease called Shprinktolopuliosis, in which the bearer develops an intense fear of EVERYTHING and a itch between the first and second toe of the right foot…
Heinous. Heinous, indeed.
And, yes, that was irrelevant. Hopefully by now, you've realized as much and are ready to move on with the plot…
Yes. Plot.
Ara? Plot…
…
Anyways…
And so Yumi was saved from the very, very, very Bad Men.
And so she stopped.
And she sighed.
And she sighed.
After all, what was there for her to do now? She couldn't very well go back to where she'd come from! … Well, she COULD, but that would have just been boring…
Boring, indeed, much like this chapter so far.
And so Yumi walked.
And walked.
But soon Yumi grew bored-er, much as many characters in this story had done before her.
For example, in one chapter, Kenshin had suffered bored-ness, and had spent a great deal of time popping the heads off dandelions. Yumi spent a moment pondering this, but then decided that, in all respects, dandelion head-popping was a rather sadistic and illogical thing to do.
As another example, Saitou, in the most recent chapter, had suffered boredom, to the point where he had simply up and died of boredom. Only then he had been revived. How he had been revived, Yumi couldn't be sure.
In fact, she wasn't sure how she knew these pieces of information in the first place, being as she hadn't been there.
Strange that.
But, despite this popular protest, Yumi remained bored. And bored she remained.
Erlack! She didn't know what to do. And so… She pondered a great deal on this, and whilst she pondered lit a fire…
A lovely, lovely fire…
And she sat by it and sang songs of times past.
And she was happy.
But… At that very moment, she looked to her side… and GASPED!
"GASP!" she gasped. "KAA-SAN!"
And she rushed up to the leaf and huggled until it nearly exploded. Then, carefully, she placed it at her side in a loving sort of way.
And then she smiled.
Yumi was smiling in a smiling, smiling, smiling sort of way.
It was burning.
Well, actually, that wasn't entirely correct, being as IT could have meant HER, could have meant THE FIRE, could have meant THE CHAIR IN FRONT OF THE FIRE, could have meant THE LEAF SITTING ON THE GROUND NEAR THE FIRE.
The fire was burning, and around it sat Yumi and the leaf. The chair was irrelevant, really.
"Now, Kaa-san, I want you to listen to this story very, very closely," Yumi said.
And then she began to tell this story…
(Sorry… I love the psychological approach.)
- :) - :) -
Kenshin frowned.
He was mad.
He was very mad.
He was irked.
He was very irked.
One could even say that he was, indeed, very mad and very irked.
It only made sense, after all.
Naturally, one could figure out with relative ease why he would be so upset.
For it was already the 14th page of the story, and he had yet to have his cameo!
He thought this was quite disconcerting.
'How disconcerting,' he thought.
However, this was quite redundant, much like much of this chapter has been so far.
But alas, this did not change the fact that he had yet to say a word; he had yet to move; he, very nearly, had yet to do anything but stand around and do nothing.
Something was wrong with that picture.
Oh, dear.
And so, he decided to take this divinely perfect moment to speak, to make a point, to start anew, to turn over a new leaf, to… Well, you get the picture… "Eeto…" he said.
Yes. Such an intensely creative and well thought-out word was only the very apex of language, the pinnacle of very existence.
And Saitou frowned.
And Kenshin frowned because of it. "Anou…" he stated in yet another excruciatingly intelligible bout of literacy.
And Saitou frowned and said, "Erlack," but not for any particular reason, really.
Naturally, this was quite bizarre, seeing as "erlack" is – most definitely – not a Japanese word.
And so Saitou frowned at having to say such a thing.
And Kenshin was about to frown, but thought better of it.
And, all in all, they pretty much stood in commemorative silence.
And it, in fact, was quite debilitating.
Actually, it was very debilitating, to the point where there was a sudden need for a dramatic plot twist…
Or maybe there would be AFTER the following lapse in time…
- :) - :) -
Shishio was in a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very mediocre manner.
Well, I suppose he was mediocre in a matter of speaking. He was mediocre in relationship to what one might call mediocre in speaking of this story…
?
Well, so Shishio was in a very mediocre way. Mediocre for this story, that is.
This is to say, of course, that he was in fact acting very, very bizarrely.
Shishio plotted. He planned. He schemed. He was in a very, very evil mood.
Of course, he was an evil man, after all, so it only really made sense that he would be in such a mood.
Of course.
Shishio plotted a plan, in which people were captured and maimed and tortured and killed, and it made him happy.
And he laughed evilly. "DAHKYAKYAKYAKYAKAKAKAKAAAA!" he laughed in the most original evil laugh he could think up.
And he completed his planning!
And then he ran away!
But suddenly…
He hit the ceiling of his hole. "—————" he said in pain and anger and… other such stuffs.
He cursed at the ceiling and sat back down on the floor. He stared at the pink walls and potted plants and flowery draperies, and was calmed by them.
And he thought, "Why? Why am I so evil?" But he didn't know.
HE DIDN'T KNOW!!
It made absolutely no sense.
And he sat and cried, and picked up his favourite book, 'Gardening for Dummies.'
And he felt better.
Much better.
And this caused a certain resolution.
And it was good.
And this designated the end.
- :) - :) -
"Replaced, de gozaru ka?"
Oops, seems we've entered this plot a bit too late. Better rewind it.
Dias eh, "Decalper gnieb er'uoy." Enecs eht no devirra nam a.
All righty. We'll play the tape now…
A man arrived on the scene. "You're being replaced," he said.
"Replaced, de gozaru ka?"
Yep, seems this is already a pointless plot twist.
"Hai," the man said. "Replaced, de gozaru yo."
Kenshin blinked.
Saitou blinked and frowned.
The man… stood there, I guess.
"And why, pray tell, might this be?" Saitou finally had the sudden urge to ask, and he didn't take the time to notice that this was quite nearly the first thing he'd actually said in this chapter.
"Well…" the man said. "We've decided that this plot is much to great an ordeal for the animators. Too much gore; too much blood; generally, we think it's just too much." He smiled in one of those wolfish smiles that people such as Saitou, Sano and that blind guy Usui are so fond of.
Kenshin blinked.
Saitou blinked. "Too much blood? You're telling me a story about someone who refuses to kill is too much blood?!"
"Hai. So we've taken the opportunity to replace the main characters with others that are completely unlike them."
Kenshin blinked. Again.
Saitou frowned.
The man reached in his pocket and pulled out a chicken.
Yes, a chicken.
"That's a chicken, de gozaru," Kenshin stated with his undoubtedly higher level intelligence.
"Hai. It is."
"A chicken."
"Hai."
"Hai."
"… Hai."
"Oro."
And Saitou took this moment to intervene. "A chicken."
"… … Haiiiiii, a chicken."
"Oh, dear." Now, the sentence was very unlike Saitou.
Perhaps it was because he hadn't been the one to say it.
In fact, he had been about to say something along those lines, but in a preferably more colourful manner.
Soujiro grinned. "Hai. Oh, dear. Seems we have a dilemma."
"A dilemma?" the man asked. "Wakarimasen…"
Soujiro grinned. "Well, there's no way this could possibly work…"
"Sou desu ka?"
"… Because chickens are not Kaoru-compatible!"
"I know." And the man pulled out another chicken. This one, mind you, had one of those silly bows in its hair that people sometimes put on poodles to give them the desired 'cute' effect.
"… Well… Chickens do not speak Japanese!"
And the man pulled out a tape recorder playing the English version of Sobakasu.
And Kenshin and Saitou ran away forever, but that was beyond the point.
"Well…" Soujiro said. "Chickens DO NOT TASTE LIKE GREEN TEA!"
The man blinked. And then he sighed.
But then he ran off into the sunset – well, okay, so maybe it was only a plot device – and was never seen again.
And Soujiro smiled.
Well, that settled that.
But then he grew bored and ran away as well, being as he really had nothing better to do.
Or maybe he did.
Yeah.
He flew off on a dinosaur and joined the circus, soon to be known as 'Mr. That- One- Guy- Who- Is- Really- Really- Really- Really- Really- Really- Really- Really- Really- Really- Really- Really- Really- Really- Really- Really- Really- Really- Really- Really- Fast.'
And indeed, this was another random and bizarre conclusion.
Meaning that, yes, it denoted the end.
- :) - :) -
Saitou frowned.
He sensed a climax.
He could feel it in his veins.
He could feel it in his blood.
Then again, he supposed feeling it in his veins and his blood was a slightly redundant thing to say.
But he pushed aside that thought. It really wasn't all that important, after all.
And he frowned at all of this… And more!
He frowned at the fact that nothing at all was happening in the story.
He frowned at the thought that he was sensing some very bad vibes from THAT BUSH OVER THERE.
He frowned at the fact that he was frowning. Sooner or later, his face would stick like that. And then, he'd have some sort of HECK to pay…
Saitou could feel the climax of his very being arriving on them at a pace he couldn't quite follow.
He had a knack for climax-finding. A gift, one might call it; a talent. Nevertheless, it was his MOST GREATESTEST pride and joy.
And he sensed the climax now, but wondered for the life of him why he might be feeling such a thing. After all, the story was plotless, and was mostly, in all honesty, a relative piece of nothingness written purely for the weak at heart for humour. That, and the fact that it was plotless… Wait… Did I already say that?
Pardon.
Kenshin sort-of-frowned. Then he blinked in sort-of-randomness. All in all, he was in a sort-of-something sort-of-mood.
The plot had failed.
This was inconceivable.
Kenshin couldn't understand. HE was the main character. HE never lost. And yet HE couldn't, for some unfathomable reason, cause the impermeable Saitou to frown.
And it irked him to some extent, but, like many of the characters in this chapter have done a few times at various points, he chose to ignore it and continue on in that special way of his that no one seems to understand but everybody loves nonetheless.
Finally, he decided to speak. He decided to confront his devils. He decided to exorcise his demon. He decided to ASK THAT QUESTION. "Saitou, do you ever smile, de gozaru ka?"
GASPETH! HE HAD DONE IT! PERHAPS THIS WOULD GIVE HIM A MOTIVE! PERHAPS IT WOULD GIVE HIM STRENGTH! OR THE WILL TO CARRY ON!
"… Was that a rhetorical question?"
"Oro?"
"Iie."
Kenshin blinked.
Saitou blinked.
And then Kenshin walked off in a huff. "Chikuso, this was the most pointless escapade sessha has ever been forced into, de gozaru! Sessha hopes he NEVER has to do it again! It doesn't get any worse than this, de gozaru yo!"
But then it rained.
And then the rain turned to hail.
And then the hail turned to snow.
And then there was a blizzard.
And then the world was beneath seventy feet of snow in a new Ice Age, and Kenshin cursed. "Spoke to soon, sessha supposes, de gozaru…"
With that, he blinked at his past words and encountered a quick flashback to only moments before:
'Sessha hopes he never has to do it again!'
And he pondered this. And then he cried. "Kuso! Sessha smells a sequel, de gozaru yo!"
And somewhere, somehow, on the way to Kyoto, one Shinomori Aoshi sneezed.
- Owari, Chapt—Wait a second!! -
That didn't seem quite right. Something was missing… Something important…
Riight. Saitou frowned.
Only then, he felt a brush of ki, and he DREW HIS SWORD IN THE MIGHTIEST OF WAYS, WATCHING THE MAN APPEAR FROM BEHIND THE BUSH HE HAD BEEN PERUSING, AND WITH ONE FELL SWOOP, HE DOWNED THE MAN WITH A STRIKE OF HIS KATANA, FLICKED THE BLOOD OFF OF IT, TIPPED HIS POLICE HAT IN A VERY POLICEMANLY WAY AND SHEATED HIS KATANA WITH A SHNCK!
And with that, he looked at the now-deceased man.
Funny, that, he thought. Funny, indeed.
Saitou smiled.
Yes, the tenacious, the petulant, the irksome Saitou smiled.
And, in a sadistic sort of way, everything made sense once again.
… For now.
- Owari, Chapter 11 – OWARI SAY CHEESE !
Chapter Ten