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[Lily] [Paul]
Lily
"Take it easy boys, there's plenty for all."
"Has anyone got a ciggie? I can't breathe!"
Silk Cut ciggies - "Your chest clears up but you've got piles by the end of the week."
"Schizophrenic homosexual - my kind of man."
"Up and down, like a whore's drawers."
Theatre seats in the gods - "Hold on or you'll be flying off like frigging lemmings."
"Do I need Doris Stokes to talk to you lot?"
"Sweating like a glass blower's arse!"
Marriage - "Why buy a book when you can join the library."
"I read it in the Reader's Digest so it must be true."
"Life's too short to clean an oven."
About Bob Downe dancing inanely - "That's why I don't go out with him much."
"I'm the Valerie Singleton of the nineties."
"Nipples like football studs."
Getting a cold - "I felt like sh** and one of the band gave me a Beecham's powder. I never knew that you chopped it up on a mirror and sniffed it through a five pound note."
"Rough as arseholes - it would make Birkenhead look like Trumpton."
"You need two things in a riot - flat shoes and a pram."
Erica Von Savage (Grandmother) - "She never had a pot to piss in or a window to chuck it out of."
"I've got a hair in my mouth. That takes me back."
"I can't ride a bike, I've got no arse!"
Queenie - "You'll lie in bed of a night and hear her walk cross the lino, flip, slip, slap, it sounds like a gang of women walking across wet sand in flip flops."
"Doing adverts is better than standing at a bus stop giving someone a ham shank for £15.00."
"When a girl's skint, best thing to do is have a break-in."
Cellulite - "That is a bar stool mark!"
"I only believe the date in the papers these days."
"I like older men. They're always more grateful."
Oasis - "Open, pour, be a whore once more!"
"Lower than a worm's tit."
"Wash your knob in the sink."
"I'm not Carol Vorderman - you wouldn't see me getting drunk in a kebab shop."
As Liz MacDonald - "Don't start Jim, I don't want a baby."
"I'd rather chew my own nipple off without anaesthetic.
"She looked like a ten pound bag of sh**e in a two pound bag."
Lady Boys of Bangkok - "They've had the three piece taken away and a gas stove fitted."
"Three accents get me going, Irish, Scots and Birmingham."
"I'm sick of fellas. Think I'll become a lesbian. At least you get to wear flat shoes."
"She was a hard faced cow."
Her legs - "Like two Woodbines hanging out the packet."
"I'll rip your head off and sh** in your neck."
"A face like a smacked arse."
PVC - "You can wipe off anything that comes at you."
"I could eat a nun's arse through the convent railings."
"I'm like a coiled spring."
"I'll ram your fist up your arse in a boxing glove."
"I'll rip your balls off and shove them down your throat."
"I'll break your fingers, put them in an envelope to your mother saying the rest will follow!"
"You won't be laughing when my medication wears off".
Paul
"My name's Lily Savage. Oh, God, it's not Lily Savage, it's Paul O'Grady."
In 007 style - "The name's O'Grady, Paul O'Grady but you can call me Maureen."
"Even today if I see a wig, a hat or a bit of material, it's on my head."
The English - "If queuing and the weather was an Olympic sport we'd win hands down."
"I'm well up for it now, I'm warning you."
Tabloids reporting his supposed ill health - "I've come back from the grave more times than a necrophiliac at an orgy."
"People get confused with drag and transvestism. There's no sexual kick for me, believe you f*cking me! No money, no dressy uppy!"
After seeing The Blair Witch Project in the cinema - "I was bored stiff. I was the scariest thing in there!"
"It's nice going to work without a bin liner with a wig in it, two suitcases and a make-up box."
"I used to be in Social Services. I'm used to dealing with maniacs."
Rodeo - "It's a bit butch for me."
"I'm as happy as a dog with two dicks."
"I don't believe in aliens. I don't believe in Cinderella, Father Christmas, British Rail timetables or Tony Blair either. All a load of crap."