| And everytime I try to fly I fall without my wings I feel so small I guess I need you baby I picked a different pencil to use on the piece of paper in front of me. 'Art class...the only thing I have left,' I thought and added detail to the wings, feeling a presence behind me. "Natasha," my art teacher called and I turned. "Yes?" "That's a very moody piece. What do you call it?" I blinked and looked at the sketch that was close to done. An angel's wings falling apart as she fell from heaven to the cruel earth below in black and white, eyes questioning to her punisment. 'When she lands, she'll suffer like us humans; feeling what we do...I only hope the fall kills her; no one deserves this,' I thought sadly and looked down, remembering the teacher was standing next to me. " 'Fraility' ," I answered softly, looking into her eyes. I knew what expression I had on my face. I knew I was being eaten away from the inside. My instructor nodded, placing a hand on my shoulder before walking away and I sighed. 'I'm drowning...and only one person can save me. And he doesn't even know I'm alive...' And everytime I see you in my dreams I see your face, you're haunting me I guess I need you baby... I awoke to the gray mutedness that was a winter rainstorm in Las Vegas after class in my apartment. I rolled over in the small space that was my couch, squeezing my eyes shut. 'No...please, let me go back to sleep,' I begged myself but even as I did, his face floated up from the darkness of my mind. "Natasha," a voice called in my own private hell and I felt my nails bite into my palms, bringing a stinging pain and temporary relief. A whimper passed my lips before sleep overtook me fretfully as I tossed and turned, silent tears staining my hair. 'How long can I live like this...?' I may have made it rain Please forgive me. My weakness caused you pain And this song is my sorry... Placing my hand on the window, I watched the rain pour down onto the street below. 'Grissom...you have to find her,' part of me thought and I made a fist, walking away from the glass. "I *won't* be hurt again!" I swore outloud and lay on the floor, head resting against the cool of the hardwood, breathing hard around the knot in my throat. 'But what about Natasha?' the same part of me kept insisting. 'You're hurting her too...why are you hurting her?' "I'm not..." I said outloud, placing my hands over my eyes. They came back wet. Tears. 'Yes you are...you know it. And you're hurting yourself.' I closed my eyes slowly, letting myself cry, something I hadn't done in years. 'You didn't cry for Sara or on all the cases you've done but you cry for her...' I sat up, seeing her face and feeling my resolve strengthing. 'No, Natasha...I have to find you, atleast to tell you I'm sorry...' I promised and stood, grabbing my keys and heading out the door, ignoring the rain as it cut into my body. 'I hope you forgive me.' At night I pray That soon your face Will fade away... Kneeling, I awkwardly crossed myself. It was first time I had been inside a church in years; the last being to my father's funeral in Berlin. I clasped my hands and closed my eyes. 'God, I know you don't grant selfish requests,' I thought silently. 'Especially to those that don't come to church and worships You on a daily or weekly basis but...I need to forget. I need to be able to move on...' Raising my head, I looked around; the church was empty, the rain still pouring outside even though it was now night. I stood, looking at the holy images and I sighed outloud, "Can you hear me? Can you help me, God?" "He helps those who helps themselves," a voice called and I flinched, looking up to see a priest, lighting candles. "I don't mean to intrude but it looks like you need some guidence." I shifted to a standing position, realizing I was dripping water everywhere from the outside. "I'm sorry for the mess, Father," I said softly. "I need...solace I guess. Peace." Topping off the last candle, the priest walked down the steps, older face gentle, patient. "You come to the right place," he said, stopping in front of me. "Your heart is crying." I nodded slowly and took a deep breath. "I...know they say you don't have a cross you cannot bear but...I think this is something I can't handle," I whispered. A smile. "Are you bearing it, my child or are you dragging it behind you?" Next |