Chapter four
We all know about love. But me unlike you I have tried to explain why we love people and thought of a good reason, reading a lot of books I tried to define love, maybe to make up a reason for why it never lasts why it hurts, really I think I just wanted a reason to explain why I lost everyone that I did. Here was what I came to: love is a chemical imbalance in the brain that triggers us to do irrational things, at irrational times.
I think the reason why I tried to explain it to myself that way was because of the hurt that it can bring, by not trying to explain it as a chemical imbalance , I would be saying �ok love is love, you can not explain it, you feel it and that is it�. Which I think hurt more by facing the fact that I can not explain what it is. We feel it all the time, we give our hearts to someone in hopes that someone will give us theirs in return, we love them , we cherish them, but still we get hurt and we do not know how to deal with it. Love brings a lot of wonderful feelings a lot of wonderful emotions, yet we still try to defy it, we still hurt the people we claim to love, I am not perfect I am far from it, I know I have hurt a lot of people in which I do not think I can ever take back, I can say I have really truly loved someone because I was willing to do anything for her, I was willing to do anything just to see her happy but I screwed up as I am only human, Lisa was my first love, I screwed up and I hurt her terribly but somehow she found it in her heart to still be my friend, that is all she will ever be able to offer and that I was willing to take, we do not speak much to each other these days but I know if I need a friend she will be there. Even as a friend I love her, she is a wonderful woman , if anyone ever hurt her I think they would have to run from me because I would hunt them down and kill them. We love people so much we are willing to do anything for them, anything to see them smile anything to hear them laugh anything to just make their day a bit brighter. We never intend on hurting them and somehow we do , we rip their hearts out and stomp on it as though it never mattered. I try to keep in touch with all of my ex�s and yes sometimes it hurts to hear that they have found someone new that loves them, but I know they have found someone that is not like me someone who is not going to hurt them. I regret hurting everyone but 2 people I regret hurting the most were Lisa and Jennifer. Before when I first came out in a chat place called GO.com� I met a woman named Jennifer, she was what you could call the perfect girl friend, she would call me every day, if I wanted to talk to her all I had to do was page her and she would call and we would talk for hours, she would call me when she was at work and say hi I called just because it�s Monday or just because it�s Tuesday , she had no reason to call just because she wanted to I guess you could say. One day out of the blue I just said �Jennifer I don�t love you anymore� but I did love her, I loved her more then anything, I was scared that she would hurt me, that she would stop loving me so I lied and told her I never loved her ever, I hurt her more then anyone could ever hurt me, for the past few years I�ve been looking for her so I can say �Jennifer I�m sorry I hurt you, I�m sorry I lied , I did love you, and for the past few years I�ve been looking for you to tell you that� I would give anything to say those words to her, to hear her voice one last time , to say everything and just have her listen and then hear what she has to say about it all. I may never get that chance, no matter how much I want to. Here�s one last thing to leave you with on this topic. If you love someone let them know, don�t be like me and make the mistake, if you have someone that loves you , cherish it , never let it go, never let that person go, always say what you feel because you never know what may happen tomorrow , you may not get the chance to say it.