HOMELESS
I give up...being the eldest in the family is not easy and it makes me suffer.I'm so tired...but for what? A question never been answered. I'm so tired of what? Tired in going to school and going back home?!?..in our house I mean...
House and home..there are big differences between them, and I'm always looking for a home to be called mine. This thing was always in my mind. It seems that in me live another character. Someone who knows all the truth. I keep on hiding but that character always exposed me. I tried myself to focus only in my studies but "she" is always there to ruin my concentration.
After school there is no home waiting for me, what's there is a small house poorly furnished with simplicity. No one's around except for my little kitten. My mother was in the market selling goods, my father is in the farm and my siblings were in the neighborhood. The saying "there is no place like home" is jumbled in my life & it goes like this: In my place there is no home. There's no home to be called mine, rather ours-which I could treat as the most important possession I could be proud of. All I have is myself..no one to share with.
Being poor is not what bothers me but it's my family. I'm always scolded by my parents because of so much expense in school. My siblings doesn't follow me nor listen to what I say. I & my younger sister always quarrel-even those little things that should not be argued.
When neighbors ask for the payment of our debt, mother and father argues. Mother will not go to the market and will never stop nagging. Father will not go to the farm but to the bar instead. And I wont go to school 'coz I have no money to spend.
By then, I'll stay to our shared room and there the character in me continues to live. It keeps on telling me to accept her, 'coz she's the truth. That she's the real me and I'm just a deceiving mask. I'm deafened by her whispers. I sat down on the bed and start crying. At last, I have set her free!She's the real me-vulnerable...so weak, so pathetic,the mask has broke off and the truth comes out. I'm not me unless there's acceptance of myself.
Problems everywhere..it's the heavy load which makes me suffer-but without it, I wont realize the truth in me- that I could stand on my own.
Now that I'm working & having enough salary, I realized that there's no need for me to build a house. What I need to do is to make a home that the real me always look for.
These are the truth in me -I've been shattered, broken, but made whole again coz I am a home that can be rebuilt. A home of soul, body and spirit...
At the age of six, I was only on kindergarten wherein now at that age you could be on the primary level. By that time, schooling for me is lots of fun. Why not? You have nothing to do but read and write, sing & dance and make friends. I'm the apple of the eye of everyone in the family. It pleases me to know that I am their favorite. They loved me very much. I pleases not only my father & mother, but I'm also a star for my grandparents. My grandfather used to hugged me, kissed me and pinched my nose. He also gave me coins which I really loved. A single peso from him will cause me happiness. Surely, he is the best; but I terribly misses him. Month before my graduation, he passed away. He died on the hands of merciless people. In the eyes of the child, seeing him with blood is morbid. In the mind of the child, it will be a haunting nightmare. In the heart of the child, it is a torture. And I was that child.How could I taste the sweetness of little success if a part of it has been already taken? How could I accept that the ribbon I received is a ribbon for the dead?
His kindness and memories were all to remain...
On the next graduation I topped on the class yet the last year event has brought all the sorrow. On elementary graduation, I am the valedictorian yet the six years of forgetting the pain wasn't enough. In high school, I graduated with flying colors yet another four years of hardships cannot erased the smear of past. Now, one more year and another graduation will come. For fourteen years, I'm almost over grief but it was replaced by worry. Losing my grandmother is one of my greatest fear. the words she has spoken to me seriously makes me afraid and worried:"My child, each day I'm getting weaker and weaker. Mere walking is already a sacrifice. Soon, I'll be resting with your grandfather."
Will the coming graduation bring me almost the same tragedy? Is the worst yet to come? Will fate play the same game against me? Let's hope not; I hope not and pray hard. On my graduation day I don't want my tears to play its part for mourning. If I'll cry, it will be for joy and thanksgiving. I want my family to be complete, because for me, success alone is another failure.........