Hello, my name is Samuel Rogers, PI, and I'm a private investigator in all topics relating to aliens. If you've got a son that you think has been abducted, call me. if you got implanted with a tracking device, I'm your man to remove it. If you got tested on, I can offer high level phychiatric help and coping techniques. they are among us, and I'm the only one that can stop them (at a small fee, of course)
I was born on a small farm in northern Mississippi. I lived a quiet life, nothing eventful happened... until my 14th birthday. I was going out to the field to harvest some grain when I noticed that some of the stalks were completely gone. I kept following the trail of destroyed crops when I noticed they formed a strange pattern. I went to tell my father, and we flew over the field in his crop duster. The grain had been cut down in a perfect pattern of six interlocking rings with devil horns. The next day, it was gone! After that, every day, a different pattern appeared in the morning and dissappeared at night! So, I decided I would watch it to see what was making it do that. At exactly 10:00, a huge yellow circle appeared in the sky! A beam of purple light shone over the field that I was in. It sucked me up. I have been suppressing the details of what happened inside, and I don't feel ready to tell anybody yet, including myself, but the next day, I was back in the field, and I vowed revenge on those damn dirty aliens!
Area 51, the very name strikes fear into the hearts of believers, and let me tell you, your fears are not unfounded. Area 51 DOES exist, in fact, I've been there (I snuck in on a food cart). It was huge! Easily the size of Chicago. not only were there various alien bodies and structures, but it also contained the entirety of the lost city of Atlantis, El Dorado, the Arc of the Covenant, and an exact replica of Stonehenge. It was amazing and exciting and frightening all at the same time. Hundreds of scientists milled around the wreckage, poking and prodding the dead aliens and hitting the spaceships with big pointy sticks. As my food cart entered the room, the scientists all ran over and started eating off the cart like dogs, they didn't even use their hands. I was almost accidentally devoured. I barely escaped with my life and started walking around. The researchers seemed too busy to notice me stealing their clothes off their backs so that I could pass myself off as one. Finally, I was ready to investigate.
I started with the ship. It was about the size of my father's Buick, it was light pink with black polka dots and a big orange racing stripe, it looked alot like a gravy boat with a light, transparent film over the top. I walked over to it and climbed the ladder, knocking off any researcher in my way, they didn't seem to notice. I got to the filmy substance and stabbed it with one of those big pokey sticks I stole from a scientist. It opened and I slipped in, it closed up above me. I poked it again and it didn't open! Uh oh. Oh well, if I'm stuck here I might as well make the most of it.
I looked around, I was in a small room with no items of any importance, there was only one door, which I looked out of. It was simply a long hallway. I shored up my resolve and left the room through the lone door. As soon as I left through the doorway arch, the long hallway opened up!
It's kind of hard to explain, but it seems as if the aliens were masters of efficiency. The walls just opened up and out of them came the rest of room. Space just appeared out of nowhere. I'm assuming the purpose of this was so that the ship had as little mass as possible in as much space as possible. I guessed that the Buick sized ship was probably the size of a tennis court once it opened up. The new room was filled with gadgets of all shapes and sizes. I touched the octopus-shaped button in front of me. It didn't do anything. I pushed every button in the room, twenty-six in all. The twenty-sixth was the only one that actually did anything though, at least, that did anything I could see. When I pushed that button, a small cage doohickey fell out of the ceiling and closed over me. I opened the door of the cage (heh heh heh, stupid aliens) and slipped out. I walked to the exit of the spaceship and left the stupid thing.
I visited the other "attractions" but since this website is about alien conspiracies; I won't go into those things right now. (I will go into them here, however.)
As you are probably guessing by now, there really was a Roswell crash. It happened in 1950, a group of four teenage aliens were drunkenly frolicking through space, high on drugs, beer, and hate crimes. Having just received their driving license, they were inexperienced and young. The teen that was driving took his hands off the wheel for a second to take a hit of ecstasy, which was a huge mistake. He missed the exit, and instead of waiting for the next one or turning around, he tried a very sharp turn, and accidentally hit an asteroid. That was close to Mars. Their ship spun out of control and crash landed in a desert near New Mexico. And there they are still; in Area 51.
What happens when something dissappears in The Bermuda Triangle? Well, I know from first hand experience that it's not pretty, it's happened to me; twice! As you move through the Triangle, your ship and crew are evaluated by a crack team of alien mercenaries. If you fit the bill, you get beamed up. I don't know what happens after that, because you wake up with a slight case of amnesia. All I know is, you wake up naked and without your possessions in some strangers dryer. Your belongings randomly go to other dryers. That is why you find that one of your socks sometimes mysteriously goes missing, it's because it wasn't your sock in the first place, you didn't lose one, you found somebody elses!
