Living Arrangements

 

Devon was the last.  I've buried them all now.  Willow was the first, the hardest.  It only got easier from there.  In the last forty years I've lost so much.  First, my best friend.  Dawn and Buffy only outliving her for four short years before they were both gone, one right after the other, as if without one the other couldn't survive.  And now Devon.

 

I never granted Devon his wish.  To stay with me for all eternity.  I loved him deeply but I couldn't.  It was no life for him.  Possibly I just didn't love him enough.  In all the years we were together I could only say the words twice.  He accepted that I could love him, need him, want him, but not be in love with him. He accepted and he loved me to distraction, taking away my pain and sorrow and showing me happiness again. For that gift, I let him have a peaceful, final death.

 

Laying the flowers on the grave I look around me and realize there is nothing left for me here now.  It's finally time to leave, time to make my way in a world I still know so little about.  I wish desperately for a tour guide and most of the time that tour guide has shock white hair and ocean blue eyes. 

 

I've never forgotten and I've never stopped loving him.  I forgave him years ago although he wasn't here to hear the words.  The last I heard, he had disappeared from Angel's one day with a note that it was time to move on. 

 

Slowly I walk the streets of Sunnydale for the last time.  All of my belongings are in storage.  The only things left in the apartment now is my suitcase and a cooler filled with dry ice and blood bags.

 

Taking my keys from the counter I shut and lock the door for the last time.  I've briefly toyed with the idea of finding him and dragging him kicking and screaming, if need be, back into my life.  I'm only stopped by the thought that he may no longer want me, may no longer need me.

 

I clutch the medallion under my shirt.  The only thing of his that I have allowed to remain in my possession over the years.  I wonder briefly if he missed it.  If he even knew it was gone. 

 

I can still see us so clearly in my mind.  Without conscious thought I pull the car over at the next pay phone.  Dialing a number from memory, I wait.

 

"Angel Investigations."

 

"Angel."

 

"Xander?"

 

His shock slightly amuses me.  I haven't spoken to him since Buffy's funeral and even then it was few words.

 

"Do you know where he is?"

 

"Here."

 

"Should I come?"

 

"Yes."

 

He answers without hesitation and it can only mean one thing.  Spike still wants me.

 

"I'm coming."

 

I hang up without saying good-bye and let a smile form on my lips. 

 

Spike was wrong those many years ago.  The ache for him didn't stop for months.  Even now I still feel it. I'm coming home, Spike.  The words whisper through my brain truly calming me for the first time in over thirty years.

 

On the drive to Los Angeles I compose and reject over a hundred opening statements.  What do you say to the man who has held your heart for what seems like forever.

 

As the Hyperion comes into view I feel the energy building in me.  I don't know if I can do this.  I don't know if I can walk in there and lay myself open to him.  Steeling my reserve I push open the door only to run smack dab into Angel.

 

He ushers me back out on the street.

 

"I didn't tell him you were coming.  He's only been back a week.  If you're not back forever don't come through those doors after me because there won't be anything left for me to put back together after you leave.  Just go and don't look back."

 

I pull the medallion out of my shirt and hold it up for him to see.

 

"He bought this the week after we were first together.  I put it on three days after he left.  I haven't taken it off since.  I'm staying."

 

"He's upstairs still sleeping off the drunk from last night."

 

We stop outside a door with the number 322.  I feel panic rise up.  What if he doesn't love me anymore, could I take it.  Could I walk away again?

 

"He never stopped."

 

Angel's voice startles me and I realize I spoke out loud.  He walks away from me with a small smile playing on his lips.  I push open the door and am assaulted by the scent of him.  God, it's been so long since I've been this close.  So long since I've seen him asleep and looking like an angel.  I close the door softly behind me and kneel by the bed.

 

Reaching under my shirt I pull the medallion over my head.  Gently I pull the blanket from his body.  I let the metal settle over his heart for a few brief seconds before dragging it along his torso.

 

One pale slim hand reaches out and grasps my wrist.  His eyes pop open and suddenly I'm staring into sleep hazed blue depths I could drown in.  He groans and drops back onto the bed.

 

"Not again."

 

"Huh?"

 

"I know you're not real.  Why can't you let me be?  Why do you keep doing this to me?"

 

Uh, okay not the reaction I was hoping for. What does he mean, not real.

 

"Spike, it's me."

 

His arm settles heavily against his eyes.

 

"I know who you bloody well are.  Well, c'mon then, get in."

 

There's still a haze over his eyes and I realize he's not truly awake, he really does think this is a dream.  He slides over in bed and lifts the blanket.  Is this really what he's been dreaming about for the last forty years?

 

"Spike..."

 

"C'mon, Xan.  Just come and hold me.  I promise not to say it.  I promise not to make you angry.  Just hold me."

 

I feel my heart constrict.  What does my dream self do?  What does he say to make Spike plead like that?  And how can I stand here and deny him.

 

I shuck my clothes in record time, set the medallion on the nightstand and climb in beside him.  I can't stop the gasp as his skin comes into contact with mine.  God, it's been so long since I've held him.  This is what heaven would be like.  It has to be.  Nothing could ever really feel this good.

 

I turn on my side to face him.  His eyes turn hot as they rake down my body.  It's been so long since just a look could make me shiver. 

 

His hand settles in the middle of my chest and he pushes me to my back.  Draping his body along the side of mine he rests his head in the crock of my neck and shoulder.  The movement is so familiar it brings tears to my eyes. 

 

I quickly roll back to my side.  Sliding one arm around his waist and the other around his neck, I pull his body into mine and hold tight.  Oh God, I love him. 

 

My hands stroke his back and I hear familiar purring in my ear as he shifts closer than is really possible.  His legs tangle with mine and a moan catches in my throat.  He goes rigid in my arms.

 

"I'm sorry.  Know I'm not supposed to start it.  I'm sorry."

 

Suddenly he's all but cowering in my arms and right now I hate myself, at least my dream self, for whatever has conditioned Spike this way.  No, this isn't how this is going to go.  Untangling myself from Spike's arms I sit back against the headboard and reach for the lamp.

 

"Spike.  Wake up.  Spike, can you hear me, wake up."

 

His eyes fall closed and I reach across the bed, tangle my hands in his hair and yank, hard.

 

"Bloody hell!"

 

He shoots bolt upright in bed, my hand still twisting around bright white strands.  Eyes flying open, he stares at me. 

 

"Xander?"

 

His voice wavers as his hand reaches out to touch my arm.  I can see the disbelief in his eyes as they take me in from head to toe.

 

"Hello, Spike."

 

Not the opening I had planned but better than staring at him in open-mouthed awe.

 

His hand glides along my cheek and I watch his eyes fill with moisture.

 

"It's really you?"

 

"Yeah, it's me."

 

"Why?"

 

How can I answer that?  How do I tell him that it's always been him?  Through the anger, the frustration, the hate, the need, the want, it's always been him.  I reach to the nightstand and hold up the medallion.  It's my only answer; he's never left me.  Even as I lost myself in Devons' arms, he was there.  Although I'm not sure he'd want to hear that.

 

"I'm-"

 

"I know, Spike, I know.  I had to walk in your shoes to understand, but I finally got it." 

 

Completely unconscious of my nudity I stand and start to pace clutching the medallion in my hand.

 

"When the cancer was whiling away inside Willow I struggled everyday.  I had the ability to save her, at least until the last few months, until there was very little of her left.  It would have been so simple, so quick.  One night I even had her in my arms, teeth to her neck, before Dawn came in.  I can't honestly say what I would have done if Dawn hadn't shown up.  I never tried it again, but that once, that one time, it was right there and I was ready to take that chance.  The same chance you took."

 

His eyes follow my every move; understanding, compassion and pain at Willow's death, reflecting back at me.

 

"I forgave you that same night.  I felt you inside me that night like I hadn't in years.  I almost came to you then, the only thing stopping me was Devon.  He needed me and he was what I needed then and I couldn't stand to break his heart.  I knew too well how it felt.  So I'm here now, asking you to let me in.  Asking you to forgive me now.  You were - are - my everything.  You always have been."

 

His eyes fall closed and I see the moisture slip from beneath his lids. No, no more tears, no more heartache, no more anything but us together.

 

I slide the chain over my head as I climb back onto the bed.  Before I can reach for him he's off the bed and pulling on pants.

 

"Spike?"

 

"Xander, I..."

 

And then he's gone so fast my head is spinning.  Tugging on my pants I run down the stairs calling his name.  The lobby is empty. 

 

"He's on the roof."

 

As I head for the elevator Angel stops me.

 

"Let him be for a few minutes.  He won't leave.  It's where he goes when he needs space, time."

 

"I don't understand.  Why did he run from me?"

 

"He loves you, but he's afraid of you.  Afraid of what you can do to him."

 

We're interrupted by a leggy blonde in six-inch 'fuck-me pumps', and a skirt that even Buffy, at sixteen would have been ashamed of.

 

"Hey, Angel. Spike here?"

 

"Who the hell are you?"

 

She gives me a once over and small smile plays across her lips.

 

"Eve, and you are."

 

"None of your damn business and no, Spike isn't here.  As a matter of fact Spike is not ever going to be here so..."

 

"Now's a bad time, Eve.  This is Xander."

 

Her eyes settle on as me Angel tells her who I am.  Her face changes from open interest to hard assessment.  There's hatred shining back at me at she speaks.

 

"Tell Spike if he needs anything, and I mean anything, he knows where to find me."

 

With that she turns her back and slinks, because really there is no other word for how she moves, out the door.

 

"What the hell was that about?  Is she...is Spike...are they?"

 

I can't finish the words. 

 

"Xander-"

 

"Tell me, I have to know.  I have to know who I have to fight."

 

"No one.  You don't have to fight anyone.  But Spike...Spike isn't a saint and he..."

 

"He's been fucking everything with two legs that happens to walk by."

 

I can't help the bitterness in my voice.  I don't want to think about it.  I don't want to know about it.

 

"You don't get to sit there and pass judgment.  Not when you, for all practical purposes, were married for almost forty years.  Don't you dare begrudge him for any small amount of happiness and oblivion he may have found for a few seconds in days that were haunted by you.  Do you know he saw you and Devon together?  It ripped him apart like nothing I've ever seen.  I thought he was done for.  I kept watch over him every day for six months waiting for him to take a walk in the sun."

 

"I'm sorry, it's just the thought of anyone else touching him..."

 

"Think how bad it was for him.  At least all his, entanglements, were just physical.  He watched you give your life, your heart, your soul to someone else.  What you feel now is only a glimmer of what he felt."

 

He comes to stand beside me and our eyes meet. I see his anguish and love for Spike shining back at me and I thank whomever I have to that Spike had somewhere to go, someone to love him when he needed it most.

 

"Xander, I know he made a promise to you and he broke that promise.  That you can forgive him speaks well of what you feel for him, but you have to know that he would have turned you eventually.  He'd have either talked you around to his side or one day, when you'd had years together and the thought of leaving him crept into your brain you'd have asked him.  You know it, I know it and Spike knows it.  He also knows it was just too soon when it happened.  He knows the mistake he made and he's been paying for it ever since.  Don't make him pay for it any longer."

 

"I..."

 

"Take the elevator up to the roof and tell him.  He's the one that needs to hear it."

 

On the way up I think about Angel's words.  Would I have eventually wanted it?  Would Spike have been able to sway me?  I think about the last forty years of my life and I wonder if I would have been able to have them without Spike. 

 

Would I have been able to hold Willow's hand as she took her last breath or would the Hellmouth have had me first?  Would I have been there to be the support Dawn needed after Buffy's death or would some demon have already had me for lunch?  After Willow was gone and Buffy had been kidnapped would anyone else have been able to find her?  Anyone else without these abilities I have?

 

I don't have the answers, but instinctively I know he's right.  It would have turned out this way one way or another.

 

As I open the roof access door I see him staring out across the city.  His shoulders go rigid as he senses my presence.

 

"I don't know if I can do this, Xander.  I don't know if there's anything left of me to give you."

 

Oh God, please, please don't do this.  Please don't let him turn away from me.

 

"'S funny, you know. All the years I've lived and I can't seem to remember a time when love for you didn't fill every part of my body.  I can't seem to remember a time when I didn't want you so much I ache with it.  And now, you're here, telling me you're ready to give it to me and I don't know if I can take it."

 

My hands itch to touch him.  I want to go to him and wrap him in my arms and never let him go.  I need him so much.  I love so much I can't think of anything else.

 

"I'll follow you, everywhere you go.  If you won't have me, I'll trail after you like a puppy.  I'll follow you and haunt you everywhere."

 

"You already do."

 

Oh, God, I made him sound like that.  Torn and bruised, like his whole world has ended.

 

"Spike, I love you. I've never stopped.  I don't know what to do now.  I don't know how to make you believe me and I don't know how to make you stay.  I was wrong, you were wrong.  There was a whole lot of wrongness.  I just...I just need you so much. I've lived my life and I've tried to get you out of my head, out of my heart but you wouldn't go because I really didn't want you to. Maybe Angel's right, maybe all I've ever wanted was to spend forever with you and maybe all this had to happen in order for there to be an us forever.  I don't know, I just know that I can't do this without you anymore.  Please, Spike, please."

 

He turns to me and I watch as silent tears slide down his cheeks as he presses his back against the edge of the wall.

 

"Let me make it better. Please, Spike, let me make it better."

 

"Xander."

 

My name catches on a sob he's trying to hold in.  In an instant I'm in front of him holding out my arms, waiting for him to come to me.  Seconds later I'm pulled against a hard body and shaking with the force of his tears. 

 

We sink to the ground and for the first time in longer than I can remember I feel complete.  I don't feel like half of me is missing.  His hands cup my face and bring my lips to his.  I feel the gentle caress of his tongue as it slowly slides against mine.  So much love and longing conveyed in a kiss so sweet it threatens to shatter me. 

 

He pulls away resting his forehead against mine.

 

"If you ever leave me again, take a stake to me first.  I can't go through this again."

 

"Never."

 

"Promise?"

 

"Forever, Spike.  Forever."

 

Chapter 19

 

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