Living Arrangements

 

I watch Angel from the doorway as he packs quickly and silently.

 

"Going on a vacation then."

 

I see his shoulders tense and realize I'm not going to like what he has to say.

 

"I'm going to Sunnydale.  Five earthquakes in the last five days.  Someone's trying to open the Hellmouth again."

 

"Isn't someone always?  How long we gonna be gone?"

 

He turns to me slowly, his face shuttered.

 

"Not we, me.  I'm doing this one alone."

 

"It's been five years, Angel.  I can handle going back."

 

He turns away from me and there are days I hate being able to read my Sire so well.  There's a reason he doesn't want me to go and I'm going to play hell getting it out of him.

 

"I need you here.  I don't know how long I'll be gone."

 

"What aren't you telling me?  Why don't you want me to go?"

 

"Will, please, leave it alone.  Just stay here.  Let me go and do-"

 

"What aren't you telling me?"

 

There's a sense of unease growing in my stomach and for the first time in over 130 years I feel like I'm going to throw up.  Something is wrong.  Something is very, very wrong.  Something that involves Xander.  Just the thought of his name is like a fist closing around my throat. 

 

It's been a year years since the dreams have stopped.  Two years since I've stopped waking up screaming his name.  Five years since I've seen his face and the last time we were together is etched so deeply in my brain that I don't even have to close my eyes to recall it.

 

"He's with someone."

 

"With someone?"

 

I hear my voice crack, feel my knees give out.  I know Angel is leading me to the bed to sit but all I can feel is the numbness that's creeping in on me. 

 

"William, don't."

 

I stand.  Coldness like I've never known creeps into me.

 

"I'm going."

 

"No."

 

"Yes."

 

The word is snarled through hissing teeth and yellow eyes.  I will go and even Angelus can't keep me here.  I hear his sigh of resignation.  He knows either I go with him or show up after him.  His shoulders sink.

 

"Be ready in fifteen minutes."

 

* * * * * * * * * * *

 

Halfway there I finally feel the numbness start to wash away.

 

"How long?"

 

I feel him tense before he answers.

 

"Over a year.  I don't know exactly when it started."

 

Pain rips through me as I think of Xander with someone else.  Someone else touching him.  Someone else sharing his days and nights.  Someone else making him laugh.  Does he still laugh?  Has he learned to overcome the hideousness that I visited upon him?

 

"Who?"

 

"Will."

 

"Damn it, Angel.  Just bloody tell me already."

 

I watch his hands tighten on the steering wheel.

 

"His name is Devon.  He knew Xander in high school.  He was the singer of the band that Oz was in.  He showed up in Sunnydale looking for Oz about two years ago.  He didn't find Oz."

 

"No, he found Xander instead.  Is he happy?"

 

The car swings to the side of the road.  Cutting off the engine, Angel turns to me.

 

"Willow says he is.  I didn't want to do this, Will.  Not this way."

 

Oh Christ, there's more.  I try to keep my hands from shaking as I search for my cigarettes.  Suddenly I just want to go home.  I don't want to know any of this. 

 

"What else."

 

"They're planning a commitment ceremony."

 

His voice, barely above a whisper reaches me and then I'm out the door.  No, this isn't happening.  This is all one of those dreams I wake up from screaming.  This isn't real. 

 

"He's a vampire, he can't...he can't.  Oh God, Angel, tell me he can't.  Please, tell me he can't."

 

I feel myself sinking to the ground, tears streaming down my face as harsh sobs expel from my mouth.  Angel's arms come around me rocking me, trying to quite me.

 

"That's it William, let it out."

 

I'm dying.  This has to be what it feels like.  This pain that's tearing me apart.  This is what dying is like.  I let Angel's purring lull me.  I feel his hands at the back of my head leading my mouth to his neck.  His message is clear.  I let my fangs sink into his neck and calm warmth closes around me.  I'm safe, safe in my Sire's arms and nothing can hurt me.  Nothing can reach me here.  I let the blackness wash over me.

 

**********************************************************************************************

 

The car stopping is what wakes me.  Within seconds pain binds around my chest as I remember where we are and what is going to take place here eventually.  Looking around I realize we’re outside Buffy’s house and Angel is staring at me.

 

“What.”

 

“Are you ready?”

 

“Is he…”

 

“No. I called ahead.  He won’t be here tonight.”

 

The words he doesn’t say are resounding in my brain.  He won’t be here at all as long as I am.  I steel myself forcing the anguish away.

 

“Right then, what are we waiting for.”

 

As much as the news about Xander tears me apart, I left others behind and I’ve missed them.

 

Willow is out the door and running toward me, red hair flying, before I’m halfway up the walk.

 

“Spike!”

 

Her arms land around my neck and I bury myself in her arms and scent. 

 

“You look good, Red.  How’s the magics?”

 

She takes my hand and drags me to the house.

 

“Oh my God. You have to see this spell I did for Buffy.  You know how she’s always complaining about demon goo all over her clothes.  It’s like this protective bubble while she fights and poof, no more stains.  It’s so cool.”

 

I let her laughter infect me.  Let it wash away the hurt.  I can do this.  I can accept this.  I have to.

 

Dawn, followed closely by Buffy come to greet me, both with enthusiastic hugs and smiles.  Once inside the living room I take stock and stop.  Spread on the coffee table is a photo album and dozens of pictures.  Pictures of Xander and another man.  I feel my body start to shake and try to will it away.  Not going to do this. Not going to fall apart. 

 

I hear Dawn gasp as she picks up my gaze.

 

“Oh God, oh God.  We…It’s for…I’m sorry, Spike. Oh God.”

 

I watch Buffy and Dawn quickly gather up the scissors, pictures and album all but running from the room.

 

Willow’s hand caresses my neck and then gently flits through my hair pulling me back from the brink of insanity.

 

“’M okay.  Just…took my by surprise, that’s all.  Angel told me.”

 

“Spike, I—“

 

“Shh, none of that now.  Tell us about these earthquakes.”

 

Four hours later I have to get out.  I can’t stay here a second longer.  The looks, the sympathy, the closely guarded conversation are all driving me insane.  I have to get out.

 

“Gonna go for a walk, check out the sights.”

 

Angels starts to stand and I shake my head at him.  I need this time alone. 

 

I find myself outside of Xander’s building looking up at his bedroom window.  All the lights are out.  He’s either not home or he’s in bed.  With him.  I won’t let the pain in. 

 

I don’t know how long I stand there before a sound forces me into the shadows.  I see a figure in the darkness closely enfolded with another.  A shape I’d know anywhere.

 

Every part of me knows I need to turn and go.  As they pass under a street light, I see his face for the first time in five years.  Happy, eyes shining, laughter easing from him.

 

The closer they get the more it feels like I’m suffocating.  Interesting trick for a creature that doesn’t breathe.

 

They stop at the entrance to the building.  The other, Devon, standing on the first step as Xander stands in front him.  Their lips come together as hands settle.  Xander slides his hands up into Devon’s hair holding tight, pushing the kiss deeper, harder.

 

His head tips back as Devon’s lips leave a trail of wetness along Xander’s chin, and down his throat.

 

“God, I want you.”

 

Xander’s rough voice reaches me and sharp pain twists inside of me.

 

“I love you, Xander.”

 

“Me too.”

 

I’m only comforted by the fact that he doesn’t return the actual words, at least not tonight, right now, where they could possibly turn me to dust where I stand.

 

I wait until they’re in the building before making a quick exit. 

 

Once I’m back at Buffy’s I seek Angel out.

 

“I’m leaving.”

 

“You’ve seen them.”

 

It’s not a question.  He sees the truth of it in my eyes.

 

“Take the car, I’ll get a ride back.  Will, be careful.  I’m sorry.”

 

Sliding my hand to his neck I pull him to me for a hard kiss before turning from him.

 

On the way home I turn up the radio and roll down both windows.  It doesn’t help.  The sound of the wind and radio can’t erase the sight or sound of him.  I can only comfort myself with the knowledge that at least now I know.  At least now it’s truly over and done.  I comfort myself with the knowledge that he was able to find peace and happiness again.  I pray that someday I can follow his lead.

 

Chapter 18

 

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