Living Arrangements
I
pick up his scent before I'm fully in the door.
He's here. Which can only mean
I
flip the switch to turn on the living room light and walk through, not stopping
to acknowledge him. Stopping briefly in
what was once my room I grab a duffle bag.
I'm kept from entering our bedroom by Xander's frame in the doorway.
I
can feel the anger and energy pent up beneath his skin. He's practically vibrating with it.
"Xander-"
"I
want to know why."
I
drop the bag and pace away from him.
"I
told you why, I'm selfish."
"Bullshit. You knew I'd hate you. Why?"
"What
would you have done? Don't stand there
and tell me that if it had been me, lying there, bleeding out you wouldn't have
opened a vein for me. I love you for
Christ's sake. I'd rather have you hate
me than not have you at all. For the
last time, I'm selfish."
"God,
Spike, we talked about this. You
promised. You looked me in the eye and
promised me, never."
The
look of hurt and betrayal in his eyes almost brings me to my knees. How I'm going to live without him is still a
mystery. Today's lack of sleep is still
mocking me. How long until I can sleep
alone again? How long before I stop
reaching for him in the short moments sleep does find me? How long until the full body ache of needing
him is lessened?
"They
need you. All three of them. Almost as much-"
I
cut off the thought and the words I know he doesn't want. I grab the bag from the floor and push past
him. Throwing clothes haphazardly into
the bag I struggle to shut off my senses.
I can smell us. Everywhere, the
scent of us, together. Sweat. Sex.
Heat. Need. Bloody Hell it's going to smother me. Yanking the zipper closed, I take a last deep
breath and savor the scent for just a second before leaving the room.
He
says nothing as I cross the room.
Stopping at the door I turn to him.
"I'm
sorry, for what its worth. I'll send the
girls to get the rest."
His
hushed voice reaches me before I'm out the door.
"You
said there were things I needed to know.
You were right. I need to know
why I'm suddenly angry with
Closing
the door I drop the bag and turn to him.
"I'm
your Sire."
"Yeah,
that's a great help."
"Let
me bloody well finish will you. It's the
blood. My blood, inside you, burning
through you."
His
eyes close briefly and a sharp wave of his arousal hits me.
"Will
it stop?"
"Never
completely. I can still feel Angelus,
but it's not strong. Hasn't been that
strong since the first night after he...he took me."
"I
thought Dru was your Sire?"
"Couldn't
finish the job. Loony, ya know."
He
smiles a bit until he suddenly realizes he shouldn't be. I watch him fight for control. His need for me warring with his need to hold
onto the anger. The anger wins.
"How
long before it stops."
"Don't
exactly know. Not without..."
I
leave the sentence hanging, wanting him to draw his own conclusions. Part of me prays he doesn't take the
option. I can't touch him and walk away.
"So,
if we...it'll stop."
"Mostly. It'll still be there, but not like it is
now. Not the heat and need that feels
like it's tearing you apart."
Before
the words are completely out I'm up against the wall. Xander's long body pressed against mine; his
nose buried in my neck drawing deep breaths.
My hands clutch his back pulling him closer. It's only been forty-eight hours but it has
felt like a lifetime.
"God,
Spike. I need you. I hate you, but I need you so much it's
killing me."
The
words slice my heart. I know the need he
feels all too well. I know it's not love
that makes him need me now. It's the
blood. The blood is the only reason he's
in my arms now. His body shakes as my
hands caresses his back.
The
low purring in the back of his throat tells me all I need to know. I walk him backwards to the bed. I send our clothes flying in every
direction. His hands are everywhere,
drawing me down to him. Our mouths
clash, teeth clanging, lips splitting and spilling blood.
Xander's
tongue works its way into my mouth pulling my spilled blood back into his. I take both his hands in one of mine and pull
them over his head. If this is going to
be the last time, I'm going to savor it.
Steadying
him with my body, I try to slow him down.
Growling in the back of his throat his eyes flash gold.
"Hard.
Fast. Rough. Now."
"Shhh,
luv, calm down."
"Don't
call me that. Just...just fuck me,
now. Just make it stop."
I
feel the tears sting my eyes. Forcing
them back I let my face shift and place my fangs against his neck. A warning growl issues from my throat. I'm the Sire here. I decide how it's going to be. He stills under me, his demon acknowledging
the warning for what it is.
I
shift his legs apart and settle between them.
My tongue replaces my teeth as I shift back to human. Long teasing strokes of my tongue along his
neck have him arching into me. His hips
shift against me. A harsh moan escapes
him as I tug his earlobe into my mouth.
Kissing
along his jaw I stop to suck his bottom lip into my mouth. I feel his rumble of approval vibrate against
my chest as he groans into my mouth.
Slipping my tongue along his, I map out his mouth. As my tongue sweeps along his concealed
canines his hips surge against mine.
I
can't help the moan that slides from my mouth.
Christ how I love him. Love the
way he responds to me. Love the way his
body moves against mine. Love the way he
tastes.
Sliding
lower I lick across his chest, taking first one nipple, then the other into my
mouth. Wet broad strokes followed by
sharp bites that have him writhing under me.
Moaning and panting interspersed with pleading is my encouragement. His body has been my canvas for many months
and I know exactly where to touch and how hard.
The
blunt head of his cock nudges my chin as I slip further down the bed between
his legs. Burying my nose in the coarse
dark curls framing his erection I inhale deeply. The scent of his arousal, so sharp here,
sends hot need churning through me. His
mind may deny what I mean to him, but his body is only too willing to remember.
In
on swift move I drop on him, pulling him deeply to the back of my throat. I swallow several times before slowly sliding
him out, my teeth raking every inch of his cock until I hold only the head in
my mouth. Applying hard suction I tongue
the slit collecting drops of pre-cum.
"Oh,
Fuck, Spike."
His
hands tangle in my hair holding my head steady as he thrusts into my
mouth. My right hand slides down past
his balls stroking his perineum briefly before slowly circling his hole with my
thumb. His body thrashes wildly above me
as I let the tip of my thumb slide into him.
"Yes. More.
God, Spike, more."
He
whimpers as I pull my mouth and hands from his body. Fumbling in the bedside drawer I find the
lube and pop the cap. After coating my
fingers, I circle his entrance once again.
Slipping my first finger all the way in, I watch with hunger as he tries
to pull me deeper. Inserting a second
and then a third finger I prepare him quickly stroking his prostate softly.
Positioning
myself between his spread legs I push his legs up and back. Sliding home in one smooth thrust, I shudder
at the feel of him surrounding me.
There's less heat now, no more of the blinding warmth surrounding me
like before. But just as good. Tight clenching muscles pull me deeper.
I
want to do this slowly. I want to
cherish this experience, which may be the last, but the draw of his body is too
tempting. His response to me is too
exciting. My hips piston quickly,
finding the right angle to stoke his prostrate continually.
"Touch
me. Please, Spike, please."
Bracing
myself with one arm I let my hand slip between our bodies. Stroking him in counter to my hips I watch
his body shiver. I feel his body tighten
as his orgasm approaches. I lower my
head to capture his lips. The kiss,
almost chaste, brings the tears back. I rest
my check against his and clear my mind focusing on the pleasure of being with
him.
"I
love you, Xander. Always."
I
feel his body arch under mine as a broken cry escapes his lips. All too soon he's coating my hand with cool
wetness. The clenching of his muscles
pulls me under. Pleasure floods my body
as I follow him over the edge.
Within
seconds I feel him pushing me from him.
Pulling back from his body I sit on my heels watching him as his eyes
open.
"Get
out."
I
don't bother to hide the tears or the pain from his gaze.
"Xander..."
"I
said get out."
I
feel my heart shatter as he turns from me and stumbles to the bathroom. The flaring hope I had harbored
disintegrating. The sound of the shower
can't quite hide his sobs and I curse the God that gave him to me and then took
him away. I've paid my debt God Damn
it. I've been fighting the good fight
for years don't I deserve a break?
Doesn't Xander?
After
pulling my clothes on I grab my bag and head for the door once again. Stopping in the living room I grab the
picture of Xander,
At
the phone on the corner next to Xander's building, I dial a number from memory
I should have long ago forgotten.
I
only have three words for the gruff voice on the other end.
"I'm
coming home."