Living Arrangements
***A/N: Hey look, it's a different POV. Angel's, that is.***
I
put the receiver back in the cradle and look at the clock. He's hurting and it's not something I know
just from the tone of his voice. I know
because he's coming home to me. We share
blood and I can feel his pain. In the
past one hundred years we have shared little else other than pain. For him to come to me means he has given
up.
Part
of me rages that my favored Childe aches.
Another part of me knows he asked for it. But I'll not turn him away. William was more human than the others. Held his humanity close to him until the day
I finally succeeded in beating it out of him.
I wince at the memory of his lessons learned by my hand.
I'll
take him in now. Comfort him and then
push him back into the fight. I won't allow him to give up so easily. I won't allow him to give up his love as I
gave up mine. I don't think of Buffy
now, I think of William, as he was, after he was turned. In the early days he looked upon me as a God
and I more often than not treated him like a rodent.
But
I loved him and I was foolish. I saw my
desperate need for him as a weakness. I
know now that it was a strength. I know
now that the outcome of our relationship could have been different.
I
close my eyes and relax in the chair as I wait for him. He'll be here sooner that he should. I know my boy and he'll all but break the
sound barrier to return to the shelter of my arms.
*
* * * * * * *
I
feel a hand on my shoulder and realize I must have fallen asleep. Looking up I see haunted blue eyes staring
back at me.
"Sire."
His
voice breaks with the word. Unable to
stop his tears, he turns away from me, embarrassed that he'll seem weak. I rise and come to a stop in front of him.
"William."
At
the sound of his given name he slides into my arms. My chest catches his sobs and his tears. Soon they lessen and all that is left are
brief sniffling hiccups. Pulling back
from me, he searches for his cigarettes.
I briefly debate telling him this is a non-smoking hotel. I decide against it.
"Wasn't
sure you'd let me come."
"Whatever
else is between us, you are still my Childe."
"I've
really fucked it up this time, Angelus."
I
hear the pain and sadness in his voice and I ache for him. I can't stand to see him this desolate.
"Tell
me."
"Xander
and I...we..."
"I
know.
"He
was dying. Right there in front of
me. I...I couldn't let him go. I turned him, then I had Red curse him. Altered the clause of course. He hates me.
Can't say as I blame him, but it hurts, Sire, so much."
For
several minutes I'm speechless. I had
known of the relationship. The rest was
news to me. How can I help him
understand the devastation Xander must be feeling? How can I lead him back to those first new
days of his re-awaking, when he raged against me and all that I was. Can I even help him? Does he even want my help? Do I want to send
him away again?
"You're
not fighting for him?"
"He's
made it perfectly clear how he feels.
Told me to get out. What's
left?"
I
can't help but smile. His memory must be
faulty.
"How
many times did I tell you the same thing?
How many times did I physically remove you?"
"Bit
different this time. He actually means
it. What do I do without him?"
"If
you love him as much as I think you do, you turn around, go back and fight for
him."
His
eyes tell me all I need to know.
"Fight
harder. Fight dirty if you have to, but
do not let this go. Do no make the same
mistakes I did."
His
eyes soften as he watches me.
"You
did what was best for her."
"I'm
not speaking of Buffy, William. I'm
speaking of us. When I came back, after
the soul, I didn't fight for you, for us.
I should have and I have regretted every day, that I did not."
I
hear his small gasp of shock as his eyes go wide. I've not spoken of my feeling for him in ages
and it's clear that he thinks I had forgotten.
He comes closer, his hand rising to cup my check. Although I know I shouldn't, I lean into his
touch.
I've
missed him so deeply. Every part of me
cries out for him. But it is not to
be. His heart now belongs to another and
I can't in my selfishness take that from him or the boy. He needs my help in re-claiming Xander.
I'm
startled when I feel his lips against mine.
Again I know I shouldn't, but I allow his tongue to caress mine. His hands slip into my hair as he fuses our
mouths together. As his body molds to
mine I gasp at the feel of him against me.
My
hands circle his waist riding low on his back, my fingers sliding down to grasp
his ass and pull him closer to me. I
moan as his body arches into me, his lips pulling from mine as he bares his
throat to me. His submission nearly
sends me crashing to the floor.
I
step back from him quickly. This cannot
happen. His eyes spring open.
"You
don't want me?"
I
smile at him gently.
"I've
never stopped, but I'll not have a pissed off Xander Harris gracing my doorstep
because I've touched his mate."
His
pain filled eyes stare at me and I feel my resolve weakening.
"Please,
Angel. I need you, Sire. Please."
"Will-"
He's
on me before I can finish and we're tumbling back onto the bed. This is wrong for so many reasons but I can't
deny him. I never could. He wants me to make the pain go away.
His
hands claw at my clothing. I hear fabric
tear and in the haze of desire I can't tell if it is his or mine. All I know is that suddenly I am skin to skin
with my beautiful boy.
I
feel him rise over me and with sudden clarity I realize he's unprepared. Before I can even think to move away he's
impaled himself completely. I hear his
hiss of pain as he tears. My hands grasp
his hips firmly stilling his movements.
I
wait for him to adjust, wait for the pain to subside before I allow him to
move. Suddenly he's sliding against me
and all I can do is lie back and watch him as he moves on me. My God he's still so tight. I feel waves of pleasure course through me
with each thrust.
My
hand reaches for him. I allow his
pre-cum to lubricate my hand as I stroke him.
His head goes back on a deep moan as I scrape my thumbnail over the
weeping slit. Faster now and he's
getting close. I won't last as long as
he.
I
feel my orgasm starting in the center of my back tingling up my spine. My balls
tighten and without warning I'm exploding into him. My fist tightens around him and my hips pump
up into him faster.
He
leans forward the slightest bit and from the look on his face I know the
changed angle is putting pressure on his prostrate. With a final strangled cry of Xander's name
he pulses over my hand and collapses with wracking sobs against my chest.
I
stroke his hair until his cries taper off and he falls into sleep. Gently settling him next to me I curl around
his body providing him shelter and comfort.
My heart breaks at the sight of his tear streaked face.
After
several hours of watching him continually reach for someone who is not there I
extract myself from the bed. Going to
the lobby I glance at the clock; realizing the early hour, I hope Buffy will
forgive me for calling.
"'lo."
"Buffy."
"Angel. What's wrong?
Is everything okay?"
"Spike
is here."
"Is
he...how is he?"
"Not
good. I'm bringing him home
tonight. He says he has nothing left to
fight for, but I can't believe that.
I've never seen them together but if his pain is any indication of what
they shared then he has to fight for it."
I
hear her wistful sigh before she begins.
"They
were happy, Angel. I've never seen
Xander like that. Spike was everything
to him. I...I could have stopped Spike
from turning him, but I didn't. I just
couldn't. I'm the last person I'd ever
thought would say this, but Spike was good for him. I don't know what to do. They're both so lost and Xander is so angry
with all of us. Something happened last
night, Xander called here for
"Buffy
I don't..."
How
do I explain to her that I don't know if I can keep him here? How do I tell her that I don't know if I can
keep my hands to myself? How do I tell
here there's nothing more in the world I want than to keep him by my side for
eternity even thought I'm not who he really wants.
"Angel,
Spike...explained some things and well, have you...did Spike...I mean are you
two..."
"Buffy,
don't. I can't talk to you about
that. I'm not sure I can keep him here
and keep him safe."
"You
can, I trust you."
"I
don't know if I trust myself."
"Oh,
Angel. You love him?"
How
do I answer that? Love. A four-letter word that doesn't do justice to
what I feel for William.
"I
think maybe he needs you more than he needs Xander right now."
"Don't. Don't give me permission, Buffy. It's the last thing I need."
"I
just think-"
"I'll
see what I can do. I know he'll stay if
I ask him, but...I'll keep in contact.
I'm sorry I woke you."
I
don't wait for her answer before I hang up the phone. I can hear Spike moving around upstairs and I
don't want him to know I was discussing him with Buffy. I watch him as he moves shirtless down the
stairs. Good God he is perfection.
A
small smile graces his lips as he comes to stand in front of me. When his mouth seeks mine I turn my head
away. I see the brief flash of hurt
before his eyes spark with anger.
"Bloody
Hell, Angelus, don't do this to me. I
came here, home to you, because I need you.
Don't turn me away."
"You
need me, but you don't want me."
"If
I didn't want you I wouldn't have taken you into my body. I wouldn't have started it in the first place."
"Whose
name, William. Whose name was it?"
I
see recognition spark in his eyes followed closely by regret and remorse.
"I'm
sorry. I..."
He
stops as Wesley comes through the front door.
As Xander is William's human weakness Wesley is mine. I cherish him in silence. His strength, his beauty calls to me. Will watches me closely as I greet Wes.
"Good
Lord what is he doing here?"
"He's
come to stay for a while."
I
see the questions in his eyes and I shake my head once. I'll explain all to him later, now is not the
time. I'm glad that Wes has returned to
the fold. I was afraid he would never
forgive me for what I had done. Time has
taken most of our pain away and allowed the comfortable friendship we had once
shared to return.
Once
Wes is settled in his office I follow Spike upstairs.
"'Sfunny,
you know. How you tell me to fight for
what I want, but you don't take your own advice."
"What
are you talking about?"
I
know damn well what he's talking about and I'm not having it.
"You
and the watcher. Bloody obvious you want
him. Wants you just the same. Neither one of you man enough to go after
it."
"That's
enough. You leave Wesley out of
this." My voice softens before
continuing. "You can stay here, I
want you here. But I'm not taking you to
bed again. Not while you're somewhere
else."
I
turn from him and close the door behind me.
I want him too much for him to wish I was someone else. Maybe there is a part of me that doesn't want
him to want me. Maybe there is part of
me that wants him to be someone else too.
Maybe it's time we both let go.
While
on the return to Wesley I try to think of a way to help Spike understand Xander
and what he needs now that he is something other than human.