Maxwell House Coffee Time Starring George Burns and Gracie Allen Guest Star Howard Duff Transcribed script

Regan	Okay, Spade.
Spade	Well, I'd finished my regular Sunday night show at the broadcasting studio, after which the actors lingered on for a little bull session. You know, who stepped on whose lines, 'I want a bigger part next week', and so forth. So, uh, it's about ten when I step out into the California night air, which is also about ten. But, uh, there's no snow so I decide to walk home. I haven't taken two steps when this little lady grabs me by the sleeve and says...
Gracie	Are you Sam Spade?
Spade	Well, if I had known then what I know now, I would have thrown myself under the wheels of a passing Sunset bus! But I'm a ham and I figure she's maybe a fan so I answer in my best Pasadena playhouse voice ''Why yes, I'm Sam Spade.''
Gracie	The butler didn't do it.
Spade	Huh?
Gracie	You've got the wrong man. The butler didn't jerk that kipper.
Spade	Jerk that kipper?
Gracie	Yank that copper?
Spade	You mean pull that caper?
Gracie	That's it!....You sent an innocent man to jail.
Spade	No I didn't.
Gracie	Yes you did.
Spade	Lady, I think you're a little mixed up about me. I'm just an actor on CBS.
Gracie	That's what everybody says.
Spade	Look, uh, little lady. I'm tired. It's been a tough day. I'll, uh, see you around, huh?
Gracie	Now, just a minute, Sam Spade. I heard you arrest that butler. Now, you've got to let him go free.
Spade	You, uh, wouldn't give me a rib, would you?
Gracie	Anything to free that butler. Which rib do you want?
Spade	I tell you what. Why don't you write me a letter? With a dull pencil. Don't use anything sharp.
Gracie	I'll do better than that. I'll come to your office. Where is it?
Spade	I haven't got an office.
Gracie	Ah oh ho. Playing cagey, eh? All right, I'll come to your house. Where's that?
Spade	321... Oh, no, I'm not talking. I want to get some sleep tonight. So long.
Gracie	So long.
Spade	[Footsteps. Woman's footsteps]. Why are following me? What do you want?
Gracie	Got a cigarette?
Spade	Sure. Here you are.
Gracie	Thanks. Got a match?
Spade	Sure. Want me to light it for you?
Gracie	No thanks. I don't smoke.
Spade	Then why did you ask me for a cigarette?
Gracie	Well, I thought I better have it in case somebody asked me for one.
Spade	I see.
Gracie	Would you like a cigarette?
Spade	No thanks.
Gracie	Well, good night.
Spade	Goodnight. [Footsteps. Woman's footsteps] Okay, okay, now what?
Gracie	Got the time?
Spade	Yeah, it's exactly uh, ten ten.
Gracie	Thanks, thanks.
Spade	I meant it's ten minutes after ten.
Gracie	You're wrong. My watch says fifteen after ten.
Spade	You've got a watch?
Gracie	Sure.
Spade	Then why did you ask me the time?
Gracie	Want a cigarette?
Spade	No!
Gracie	Well, good night.
Spade	Good night. [Pause. Footsteps. Woman's footsteps] Look, lady, stop following me.
Gracie	Oh, it's you again.
Spade	Yeah, fancy meeting me here. Can't I uh, give you the slip?
Gracie	Please! I couldn't accept a thing like that from a strange man!
Spade	All right. What do you want this time?
Gracie	Got a road map?
Spade	A road map? Are you lost?
Gracie	No.
Spade	May I make a suggestion?
Gracie	What?
Spade	Get lost!
Gracie	Well, good night.
Spade	Good night! [Footsteps. Woman's footsteps. Running.] Well, I've had enough of this, little lady. You've seen the end of me.
Gracie	Yes, for two blocks.
Spade	This time I'll lose you. Hey! Taxi! Taxi! [Cab brakes screeche, door slams] Let's get out of here cabbie, but fast! [MUSIC] Here's my house, cabbie. Pull up. That was real driving, buddy, keep the change. Good night.
Cabbie	Good night
Spade	[Footsteps. Woman's footsteps] Oh, no! Oh, no! How did you get here?
Gracie	On the back of that cab.
Spade	Who are you, anyway?
Gracie	Oh, no, no, I'm too smart to tell you who I am. If I did you'd complain to my husband, George Burns.
Spade	Oh, so you're Gracie Allen.
Gracie	How did you find out?
Spade	You forget I'm a detective.
Gracie	Oh.
Spade	And now I know what the National Safety Council means when they say 'don't be a Gracie.'
Gracie	Oh, never mind that. Are you going to let the butler go?
Spade	Look, Gracie, there's really no butler in prison and I'm not really Sam Spade.
Gracie	Oh, ho, now don't give me that story about your mother being a typewriter.
Spade	What?
Gracie	You're not talking to a child. I'm older than I look.
Spade	Okay, Gracie, I see there's no use arguing with a smart girl like you. I'll see that the butler gets out. I'll get him the best mouthpiece in town.
Gracie	Get him out first, fix his teeth later.
Spade	Okay, okay, goodnight! MUSIC Well, Lieutenant, I thought that that would be the end of the episode.
Regan	But it wasn't, eh?
George	Brother, you haven't heard anything yet. The next morning...
Regan	Wait a minute, Mr. Burns. Before I listen to any more of this story I'll have to send out for some aspirin.
George	Here, have some of mine.
Regan	Hey, how come you walk around with your pockets full of aspirin?
George	I'm married to Gracie Allen.
	COMMERCIAL: Music.   And now, back to the city jail, where George and Sam Spade are trying to explain how Gracie put them there. Continue to Sam Spade's story

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