Maxwell House Coffee Time Starring George Burns and Gracie Allen Guest Star Howard Duff Transcribed script

Regan	Let's see if I've got this straight so far, Burns. Your wife listened to Sam Spade's program, thought he was really sending an innocent butler to the Chair and started hounding him.
George	That's right, Lieutenant.
Regan	What did you think, Spade?
Spade	I, uh, didn't know what to think, Lieutenant. The surveys tell me I have ten million odd listeners but I didn't think any of 'em were that odd.
Regan	Well, anyway, to get rid of her, you told her that you'd free the butler.
Spade	Yeah, but that didn't satisfy Gracie. She demanded to see the guy.
George	That's when Spade came to see me. ...I told him to ask me something easy. Like getting Wesbrook Pegler to dance with Eva Hellg[?]. He asked me to make Gracie leave him alone.
Regan	What did you say?
George	[?]... Eleanor Roosevelt.
Regan	Mr. Burns, why do you put up with a wife like that?
George	I'm too old to go back to Gus Edwards. Besides which, I happen to love her.
Regan	Well, so what did you two decide to do?
Spade	There was only one thing we could do. That was dig up the actor who played the butler on my program and let Gracie see him.
George	Which we did.
Spade	Yeah, and that's when we really got into trouble.
Regan	Tell me just what happened.
George	Okay...Spade was giving the guy his final instructions...
Spade	Remember, Claude, you are Jenkins the butler, and I have set you free.
Claude	Don't worry. I'll have Mrs. Burns crying like a baby. In radio they don't call me the male Ma Perkins for nothing.
George	Well, come on, Gracie's in the next room. (Opens door) Honey, here's Sam Spade.
Spade	Yes, Mrs. Burns, and I have freed the butler. Here he is.
Claude	How do you do, Madam.
Gracie	It is the butler. I recognize that voice. Oh, I'm so happy for you, Jenkins. What will you do now that you're free?
Claude	I shall return to the home of my youth.
Gracie	Where does your youth live?
Claude	I had reference to my birth place, madam. Dear old England. I shall go back there to regain my health.
Gracie	Really?
Claude	Yes. America is nice but I'll take Liverpool.
Gracie	Oh, you don't have to go to England for liver pools, they're made right here.
George	Ah, yes, that's Carter's little liver pools. They take them...
Claude	Liverpool is the name of a city.
Spade	Yes, now thank Mrs. Burns for getting you out of jail and then screw...uh, disappear.
Claude	Madam, you're benificent intervention has terminated a most injurious and humiliating incarceration. You'll never know what that means.
Gracie	I won't unless you shorten the words.
George	Goodbye, Jenkins.
Claude	Farewell, all. I go to a new and better life.
Gracie	Goodbye. Write me from Kidney Creek.
Claude	Liverpool.
Gracie	Well, I was in the right neighborhood. Goodbye. (Door closes)
Spade	Well, that takes care of that, eh, George?
George	You said it.
Spade	I'll be running along too. Goodbye, Gracie.
Gracie	Just a minute. Now look, if the butler didn't murder Mr. Benson, who did?
Spade	Huh?
Gracie	You proved that his wife and daughter didn't do it. And there was only other person on the scene. So he must be the murderer.
Spade	(Warily) Who?
Gracie	You.
Spade	Me?
Gracie	Confess, Sam Spade, you murdered Mr. Benson.
Spade	But I had no motive!
Gracie	Then you did it with something else!
George	Look, Gracie. We...
Gracie	Hand me my lipstick, George, I'm gonna give him the third degree.
George	Lipstick?
Gracie	I want to look nice when he shines that bright light in my face.
George	You're supposed to shine it in his face.
Gracie	Oh, oh, well then give him the lipstick.
Spade	I'm getting out of this madhouse. Goodbye! [Door closes] [MUSIC]
George	Well, Lieutenant, Spade ran out of that house like...like..after...like he was seeing a ghost. Which was true because from then on Gracie started haunting him, trying to make him confess.
Spade	Yeah, she, uh found out that my radio sponsor was Wildroot Cream Oil so she disguised herself with a big hat and a veil and knocked at my door. [Knock]
Gracie	Sam Spade?
Spade	Yes?
Gracie	How do you do? My name is Wild Root.
Spade	Wild Root?
Gracie	Perhaps you know my husband. Willie Cream Oil? My full name is Mrs. Wild Root Cream Oil. I'm the wife of your sponsor.
Spade	Now look...
Gracie	I understand you murdered a Mr. Benson. Now, that's strictly forbidden in your contract.
Spade	Mrs. Cream Oil. You look like Gracie Allen to me.
Gracie	Flattery will get you nowhere. Now, if you'd like to confess perhaps we can get you off with life imprisonment. And when you come out you could take over your program again.
Spade	Gracie, I did not murder Mr. Benson. Go away. [MUSIC] But the next day she was back. This time, with another disguise.
Gracie	[Knocks] Sam Spade?
Spade	Yes.
Gracie	I'm from Western Union. I have a telegram here from President Truman.
Spade	What?
Gracie	I'll read it to you. ''Dear Sam, Confess. Signed Harry.'' Any answer?
Spade	Scram. Beat it. Go away.
Gracie	That's no way to talk to the President.
Spade	Out! Out! [Music] But the third day topped everything. She posed as a private detective. [Knock] [Door open]
Gracie	Sam Spade?
Spade	Yes.
Gracie	I'm Sally Shovel. Now, listen chum, we're in the same racket, pal, and I want to help you, buddy, so why don't you confess, mac?
Spade	You're a private eye?
Gracie	Also ear, nose and throat. I put everything into my work. Now, confess, doc. So you murdered Benson, so what? I've been mixed up with a few keepers. Or is it capers?
Spade	In your case its keepers. Now go away! [Music]
George	Well, Lieutenant that's when Spade came to see me again. Looking much older.
Spade	Yeah, we uh, hit on a brilliant scheme. We decided that I should confess to the murder. Then George would pretend to take me to the City Hall to surrender, and Gracie would forget the whole thing.
George	But Gracie did something we didn't count on .
Regan	What was that?
George	While I was going to pick up Spade, she called the police.
Regan	Oh, yes, that's where I come into the picture. She called me.
Spade	Suppose you tell us what happened then.
Regan	Well, when I got to the house she said...
Gracie	Officer... There's a desperate criminal on his way here to confess a murder. As soon as he confesses, you can grab him.
Regan	Don't worry, lady, I'll ....
Gracie	[Knock] That must be him.
Regan	You wait in the next room. He may be armed.
Gracie	Oh, he is, there's one hanging from each shoulder. You call me if you need me.
Goodwin	(Door opens) Hello. Where is everybody?
Regan	Never mind. What's your name?
Goodwin	Bill Goodwin? (Young voice, innocent)
Regan	What did you do with the body?
Goodwin	I took her home.
Regan	What did you do then?
Goodwin	I dumped her out.
Regan	Ah, she was dead, eh?
Goodwin	Sure, that's why I took her home!
Regan	You've done a pretty terrible thing, young man.
Goodwin	Ah, tomorrow I'll send her some flowers.
Regan	Oh, you're a real killer.
Goodwin	Well, sure.
Regan	Now tell me everything you did tonight.
Goodwin	I will not! Who're you, her father?
Regan	No!
Goodwin	Well, in that case I'll tell you then. Another fellow and I double dated. We met the girls and the four of us went into a restaurant for dinner. I ordered four cups of Maxwell House coffee.
Regan	Then what?
Goodwin	I told the waiter to bring the other people some too. See, I wanted them to taste the rich, mellow goodness of Maxwell House. It's America's favorite coffee, you know.
Regan	Yes, I know. What happened then?
Goodwin	Well, that's when the girl and I got into a fight.
Regan	Aha! What about?
Goodwin	She caught me drinking her Maxwell House Coffee.
Regan	But you'd had four cups!
Regan	Well, when you taste that good-to-the-last-drop flavor you just don't know when to stop. You know, Maxwell House is a blend of the finest Latin American coffees, radiant roasted to the peak of flavor perfection.
Gracie	Well, officer, did he confess to murder...Bill Goodwin!
Regan	He confessed everything, Mrs. Burns. He got mixed up with a girl and now he's headed for the Chair.
Goodwin	You're nuts. When I get mixed up with a girl I head for the divan.
Regan	I mean the electric chair! You killed a girl!
Goodwin	Are you kiddin'? All I killed was five cups of Maxwell House coffee!
Gracie	Yes, officer. This is the wrong man. Sam Spade is the one you want to arrest.
Goodwin	Sam Spade is in trouble? Ah, gee I was going to hire him to find someone for me.
Gracie	Who?
Goodwin	Girl about five feet two, red hair, green eyes, terrific figure, drives a Cadillac convertible.
Gracie	Oh? When did you last see her?
Goodwin	Whose seen her, I want Spade to find me one like that! Well, so long. (Door closes) [MUSIC]
Gracie	Well, there won't be any mistake this time, officer. Here comes my husband up the walk with the real murderer.
Regan	Yeah. Anyone can tell that guy's a criminal. Look at that low forehead.
Gracie	That's my husband.
Regan	Oh. Well, this time I want to hear the confession before I make the pinch. I'll just duck into this closet. (Door opens, closes)
Gracie	Oh, Poor Mr. Spade. I hate to think of him sitting in the electric chair. With those long legs he'll be so uncomfortable.
George	(Door opens) Well, here he is, Gracie, ready to confess.
Spade	Yes, I can hide the truth no longer. I killed Benson.
Gracie	Why did you do it, Mr. Spade?
Spade	That man murdered my mother, ruined my father, tortured my sister and robbed my brother.
Gracie	Ah, then it was nothing personal.
Spade	No, I just didn't like him.
Gracie	Oh. How, how did it happen?
Spade	Benson was standing in a bar, see. I walked up to him, let him have two slugs and he fell to the floor.
Gracie	Oh. Couldn't hold his liquor, huh?
George	He let him have two slugs from a pistol. Now keep quiet and let the man confess.
Gracie	Yes, dear.
Spade	I never gave him a chance, see. I shot him down in cold blood, and as he lay on the floor I pulled the trigger again and again and again. When the gun was empty I stood over his body and laughed like the fiend that I am. Heh heh heh heh. I should be locked up for twenty years. Thirty years!
Regan	[Door opens] I'll make that forty!
Spade	Huh? Who are you?
Regan	I'm Regan from homicide.
Gracie	I called him over to hear your confession.
Regan	Okay, come on Spade.
George	Officer, wait a minute, let me explain. Mr. Spade and I cooked this whole thing up together.
Regan	Oh, an accomplice! I'll take you along too.
George	Wait a minute, I've never done anything wrong in my life!
Gracie	Well of course, not, he's my husband. The man who married me.
George	All right, all right, so I did one thing wrong.
Regan	Come on, come on, you two. [MUSIC]
George	Well, lieutenant, that's the whole story.
Regan.	Ah, my apologies, fellows. You're both free to go.
George	Thanks. Come on, Sam, let's get out of here.
Spade	You said it.
Regan	By the way, Mr. Burns, you're wife's waiting outside.
Spade	Gracie? So long, George, I'm staying in jail.
George	So long. (Door opens, closes)
Gracie	Oh, hello, darling.
George	Hello, Gracie, let's go home.
Gracie	Oh, I can't, sweetheart. I've got something important to do.
George	Hey, you've got that big hat and the veil on again. Where are you going?
Gracie	Well, why you were in jail I heard Ellery Queen on the radio and he arrested the wrong man!
George	Oh, no, you're not going to start.... [MUSIC]
Announcer	Join us again next Thursday when we'll all be back . George Burns, Gracie Allen, Bill Goodwin, Harry Lubin and the Maxwell House orchestra and yours truly Toby Reed.
George	Well, Gracie, next week we're going to have two guest stars. Mr. and Mrs. James Mason
Gracie	James Mason! He's that wonderful English actor who's so mean and so rough with women.
George	That's the man.
Gracie	Gee, he might hit me. Ah, but with you here he wouldn't dare. If he hit me, you'd show him. You'd hit Mrs. Mason.
Bill Maxwell	Ladies and gentlemen. Let's all remember to help the National Safety Council cut down the terrible toll of home accidents. Be safe. Be careful. Don't be a Gracie.   [MUSIC]

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