RADIO

Maxwell House Coffee Time Starring George Burns and Gracie Allen Guest Star Howard Duff Transcribed script

Commercial for Maxwell House	Gracie: Another cup of Maxwell Coffee, George? George: Sure, pour me a cup, Gracie. Gracie: You know Maxwell House is always good to the last... drop. George: That drop's good too.
Announcer	Yes, it's Maxwell House Coffee Time, starring George Burns and Gracie Allen. [MUSIC. Applause] With our special guest, Howard Duff, who is the famous detective Sam Spade. Yours truly Toby Reed, Joseph Kearns, Eric Snowden, Harry Lubin, the Maxwell House Orchestra, and Bill Goodwin. Bill Goodwin: For America's Thursday night comedy enjoyment its George and Gracie, and for America's every day coffee drinking enjoyment, it's Maxwell House, always good ...to the last drop. [MUSIC] Announcer: Many people say that Gracie is responsible for George being where he is today. And that's certainly true. Gracie is also responsible for Sam Spade being where he is today. You see, George and Sam Spade are both in jail. How did it happen? Well, let's listen as George is being questioned by a police lieutenant (played by Joseph Kearns).
Regan	Alright, let's start at the top. Name?
Burns	George Burns.
Regan	Occupation?
Burn	I'm married to Gracie Allen.
Regan	No. No, no. What do you do? What keeps you busy?
Burns	I'm married to Gracie Allen.
Regan	Let me put it this way. What's your source of income?
Burns	I'm married to Gracie Allen.
Regan	Alright, skip it. What's your age?
Burns	Approximately 42.
Regan	How come you look older?
Burns	I'm married to Gracie Allen.
Regan	What's your address?
Burns	360 North Camden.
Regan	Alright, Burns, now suppose you tell me why you're in this jam.
Burns	I'm married to Gracie Allen.
Regan	You're in a rut. Hey, Spade, how come you're in this jam?
Spade	He's married to Gracie Allen.
Regan	You know, Burns, you and this Spade character are accused of murder. Now suppose you tell me the whole story right from the start.
Burns	Okay, Lieutenant. It all started last Sunday night. I was sitting home listening to the radio with my wife... I'm married to Gracie Allen.
Regan	...to Gracie Allen. Yes. That part I know. Take it from there.
Burns	Well, Gracie and I were listening to the Adventures of Sam Spade. The program was just finishing...
Spade	Alright, Jenkins, let's take a little ride down to headquarters.
Jenkins	Me, sir? But I wouldn't murder Mr. Benson! I've been his butler for twenty years.
Spade	Don't play innocent. I know you pulled this caper, and I've got enough evidence to put you right in the hot seat.
Jenkins	But Mr. Spade, I didn't do it!
Spade	Save that malarkey for the warden. You were clever, Jenkins, but not clever enough. I think I'll call this the Careless Butler Caper. [SPADE THEME MUSIC]. Radio clicks off.
Burns	Why did you turn off the radio, Gracie?
Gracie	Sam Spade got the wrong man tonight.
Burns	What?
Gracie	I'm positive that Jenkins the butler wasn't guilty. An innocent man's gonna get the hot plate.
Burns	Hot seat. And don't worry. He'll only get it on the radio.
Gracie	Well, who cares where they put it? When he sits down it will burn. Oh, I've got to talk to Sam Spade right away.
Burns	Honey, Sam Spade is not a real detective.
Gracie	I'll say he isn't. Any man who'd make an innocent butler sit on a hotplate...
George	Gracie. He'll get a hot seat.
Gracie	He sure will after he sits on a hot plate.
George	Look, here's what I mean. On his program, Sam Spade is a private detective. But in real life he's just an ordinary guy. Just like on your program you're a nitwit, but in real life.... [Long pause. Laughter] That won't work. Anyway, Gracie, what you just heard was only a radio program.
Gracie	I know that. The real crime happened last week. Every Sunday night Sam Spade broadcasts his most thrilling case of the week.
George	You still don't understand. Sam Spade is just a character.
Gracie	I'll say he's a character. Making that poor innocent butler sit on a hotplate.
George	Hot seat! Let me try to explain this once more. Sam Spade isn't even the fellow's real name. He's the brainchild of Dashiell Hammett.
Gracie	Oh, oh, you mean his real name is Sam Hammett?
George	No. His real name is Howard Duff.
Gracie	Then why isn't his father's name Dashiell Duff?
George	Look, Sam Spade doesn't have any actual father or mother. He came from Dashiell Hammett's typewriter.
Gracie	Oh, George, you're so innocent. You know, I'll bet you believe that old story about coming from under cabbage leaves, too.
George	What's the use? OK, Sam Spade is a naughty detective and he's sending an innocent butler to the hot plate.
Gracie	Hot seat.
George	Good night, dear.
Gracie	Good night.
	[MUSIC]
George	Well, Lieutenant, I didn't think any more about it. I was tired and it was past my bedtime.
Regan	What time was it?
George	It was after nine.
Regan	Gee!
George	So I went to bed thinking Gracie would follow me. Instead she followed Sam Spade.
Regan	Oh, what do you mean?
Spade	Let me tell you about that part of it, Lieutenant. Continue to Sam Spade's story